Friday, December 16, 2011

A need to write

I don't know why, but I just feel a need to write.  I don't really have anything to write about, but the day at work today was a little crazy. 
  • I keep wanting to make an appointment with an RE or two, but I'm so stressed about money I feel guilty about doing it.  We just had to pay $1100 to get our car fixed, so that was one more thing. 
  • I'm not sure if anyone remembers V, the boss from hell (you can read about her here).  Well, we now report to the same director again, so we have to work closer.  I got invited to a Holiday Dinner with one of my staff members for a provider that the rep used to handle, but is now handled by a rep under V.  It was cleared for me to go by the provider so I said I would.  The day before the dinner, V called and bitched me out because they were not MY providers, that I hadn't helped them in any way over the year, that it was inappropriate that I go to this dinner especially when she wasn't going, yadda yadda yadda.  I mean, a real c word that I hate but can almost stand using it when talking about her.  I mean really?  It's not a meeting, it's a holiday dinner.  I ended up talking to my director about it, who couldn't understand why V thought it was such an issue and told me to go.  So K and I did, last night.  We had a blast!
  • My cousin had her baby a couple of days ago, she's such a cutie pie!
  • A coworker of mine ran out of here in tears today because they are taking her husband in for an emergency MRI due to some sudden vision loss issues.  They are afraid it's a mass or something.  She lost her mom only a year and 1/2 ago.  Please keep her in your prayers if you are a praying type.
  • One of my staff members (who doesn't work on Friday's) had to rush her daughter to the emergency room today (1 month younger than bug) because she woke up covered in blood that came from her nose and mouth.  They had talked to the ped about her bruising earlier this week at her check up. I am so afraid for her, and I can't wait to get home and hug bug.  Please keep this family in your prayers as well.
  • I am in the process of hiring for two open positions, one I know who I'm going to hire, but I can't find anyone good for the second.  I'm pretty desperate.  My VP has high expectations of me, he 'knows' that I can do a great job hiring, training, and getting great analytical minds on my staff.  No pressure.
  • Christmas is coming too soon, and I'm almost done shopping.  It's a cheap Christmas this year due to the money struggles, but that makes it all the more special.
  • I'm hoping for a date night tomorrow night (with a gift card we have), K and I need it.  We've had a few fights in the last couple of weeks, I think just because of the stress.  But we handle our fights so much better than we used to.  We learned how to TALK.  It's amazing and makes me so happy.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I know I've got some posts I want to comment on, but I have to do all my commenting from my phone... for some reason none of my computers will let me do it.  So know that I'm aware of what's going on!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Mother In Law

I love my mother in law.  She's sweet and kinda kooky.  She's easy to be nice to and I happen to be her favorite.  But, I can only handle so much.  She's on her way to being a hoarder.  When my father in law passed away, she sold the house they lived in and moved into a condo.  We filled up 2 of those rental dumpsters with garbage, not to mention all the stuff we put out to the curb over weeks and weeks.  She still had a bit much stuff (going from a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath house to a 2 bedroom 2 bath condo), but it wasn't too bad.  That was about 5 years ago.  Well, over the years she has collected a ton of stuff, mainly things like guidepost magazines and crafty type things for her to do.  But she collects more than she can do, so her tables are all full of stuff.

To top it off, her mom was very senile when she passed away a few weeks ago, and you can already tell that my MIL is heading down that path.  It's sad to see, but for the most part she's OK.  It's just that you can tell sometimes that she isn't really fully there, she is starting to get confused sometimes, and she repeats the same story over and over and over again.  So not horrible yet, but not great either.

So, this weekend I had my annual girls weekend with 4 of us that have known each other since forever (one since 4th grade, one since I was 12, and one since freshman year in HS).  There are others that join us during these weekends, but these 4 of us are the main group.  Well, one of them is one of the pregnant people in my life, and she is due in February, which is typically when we do this weekend.  So we did it this past weekend and just did it back in T Town, where most of them still live.  Since we were there and only doing a Saturday thing, I invited K to come with me on Friday, and let him have Friday to himself and I watched bug (we stayed at one of my friends) and then he took care of her Saturday (and stayed at his mom's).  Well, he needed to go do some work on the house that we rent out, so he left bug with his mom.  This is OK for a short amount of time, but when I realized that it had been almost 6 hours and he still wasn't done, I started to worry.  I told the girls that I was worried, so they told me just to call her and check on them.  I did,  she said everything was going good, they were eating some dinner, blah blah blah.  After the call I chatted with my pregnant friend and she made me feel a TON better about it.  Like I told her - my biggest worry was that MIL would stop paying attention and bug would grab a stack of stuff off of her tables and it would all come tumbling down. 

So.  About 45 minutes after I talked to MIL, K called.  He had just gotten home a little before and sounded worried.  APPARENTLY, my fears happened, A FEW HOURS BEFORE.  Bug grabbed something and a large picture frame toppled down on her HEAD.  This happened BEFORE I talked to MIL, so she blatantly chose to NOT TELL ME.  I was PISSED, and crying.  I called the ped, and everything did turn out OK (there was no vomiting, she stayed awake, no dazed eyes, etc).  So, I'm venting here, then I'm done with it.  It's off my chest and I'm not going to be pissed anymore.  BUT, I told K that she will NEVER watch our little girl alone, or at her place even with someone, ever again.  He agreed, so that was good.  It's just so sad to me that I have to make that call about my baby girls grandma, you know? 

I guess when she told K about it, she tried to get him to agree to not tell me, which he wouldn't agree to.  Good for him.  I hope that we aren't overreacting to this, but it's my little girls safety.  That is more important than anything in my mind.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Not sure how to feel?

So first, I want to say Thank you for all of the amazing comments on my last blog post.  With all of the amazing support around me, I know it'll just be a matter of time before I get into this new routine and then all will be better.

So, what I am not sure how to feel about.  I heard this morning that the Duggars had a second trimester miscarriage.  Being an infertile I am torn.  On the one hand, as I've mentioned before, they have SO MANY kids, I mean really, another one?

BUT.  I'm an infertile.  My heart goes out to anyone that has, will, or are struggling with anything related.  Infertility, miscarriage, stillborn, etc.  I suddenly feel an amazing amount of grief for this family that has just PUBLICLY lost their child.  I mean, I think about how difficult it was for me to tell the few people that knew what we were going through about our constant failures, about our IVF babies that were never meant to be.  It broke my heart again and again and again, each time I had to say the words.  At the time the only people that really knew was our parents and a couple of our closest friends.  That's it. 

But to have the whole world know you were pregnant.  To get excited over the life you have growing in you.  She probably was feeling some movement.  To have your OTHER CHILDREN get SO excited over the prospect of this new little being.

Then to have it torn away.  To suddenly have your world rocked with the news that this amazing little miracle will never take a breath on this earth.  How very shattering.  I don't care how many kids you have, that is difficult, life changing, heart wrenching, and PAINFUL.

Today I am able to walk away from my slight annoyance that they can so easily have so many kids.  Today God has helped put things into perspective for me.  Because when it boils down to it, they wanted this child the same as I want a child, and they were able to conceive, and then had to say Goodbye.

Today, and for many days to come, this family is in my prayers as they go through the stages of grief.  Today I realize that even for those of us that have an easy time getting what so many of us want, even they are not exempt from the feelings of loss.

Will it change how they are viewed in my eyes forever?  Probably not.  Especially if she gets pregnant again.  But, it's all about perspective, and a good reminder to not let Infertility dictate how you feel about other people.  They do seem to be good parents after all, even if I don't feel that each of their children get enough parent child time.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


I know that we all go through this when we go back to work after having a baby, the struggles with wanting (or needing) to work, but wanting to be home with your new baby.

Well, all of the sudden I'm dealing with it again.  Over a year after going back to work.  I know what the problem is, I'm struggling with the desire for my career, and the desire to not be the missing parent.  See, as I mentioned in a prior post, my drive time is now about 40 minutes, up from quite a bit less.  After work it's more like 45 minutes, and some nights - like last night, it's closer to an hour.  I can't seem to reconcile my two worlds for some reason.  I leave my house by 6:40 and do not get home until sometime between 5:45 and 6:15.  We start the bedtime routine at 6:45 for buggie, she's down sometime between 7:20 and 8:00.  I get NO time with her during the week.  Then I find myself falling into bed by 9:00 because I'm so tired.  So I get no adult time with K.

I feel bad because K is staying home with her right now, and while he's loving it, neither one of us are cut out to be a stay at home parent.  So I know he's getting antsy, I know he wants to be out flying.  Then I feel guilty because I'm gone All. Day. Long.  I feel guilty because I don't get enough time with bug, with K, I feel guilty because I know he's home and wants to be working.  I feel guilty because I could use to give some extra attention to work but I want to get at least my little bit of time in the evenings with bug.

It doesn't help that we overdrew our bank account.  Badly.  It's just going to be a rough couple of months, K doesn't have his unemployment yet, we had to pay 2 rent, 1 security deposit and 1 mortgage payment (and will next month too except for the security deposit), on top of all of our other bills.  Plus the house back in T Town seems to be falling apart, we've had to fix the leaky roof but the contractor can't seem to put his finger on what the exact issue is ($1500 there and so far still having problems), plus the plug for the sump pump randomly stopped working and the basement flooded, so now we have to fix that. 

I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now, to say the least.  It doesn't help that I want another baby, and want to get an appointment set up with the RE. 

Ugh.  Thanks for listening.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Where has the time gone?

I'm feeling like the last 2 weeks have passed in the simple blink of an eye.  I didn't get to focus as much on ICLW as I wanted, but I definitely got out there and found some new blogs. 

So, I started my new job on Tuesday.  My commute has gone from about 15 minutes to 40 minutes, and that's as long as I leave by 6:40.  If I wait until 7:00 it's more like an hour.  This job is great, I love it already, but it is insanely fast paced.  And the meetings??  OMG.  Put it this way... yesterday I got called into an impromptu 8:00am meeting, then I had meetings scheduled for 9:00, 10:00, 11:00, 1:30, 2:00 and 3:00.  Um, yeah.  Getting work done?  I'm not so sure that happens so much.  And crazily, this is a pretty typical schedule as I peek at my calendar over the next couple of weeks. And this is near the Holidays!!  How bad will it be after that?  I don't even want to think about it.

We found a new ped for buggie, and a new daycare although she hasn't started yet.  K was going to keep her home until the first of the year, but I'm thinking he needs to put her in 1 or 2 days a week.  He's just not used to dealing All. Day. Long. with a demanding baby.  He can't spend any time trying to find a new job, our house still needs about 1/2 unpacked, you get the point. 

Next step?  To find a new RE.  That's on the goal list in the next week or so, that way we can get an initial consult scheduled hopefully soon after the first of the year.  I just don't want to wait.  I feel like baby fever is coming on pretty strong.  I'm still handling it well, but it still sucks every month when AF rears her head. 

My new boss, W, made me feel really good yesterday.  Some quick background - the department that I took over has had some serious turn over lately, moral is low, the staff feels neglected and unsure with all of the crazy changes that are taking place in the way my department does business.  So, one of my first things is to hire in two new reps.  My VP is the same VP that I've had (he was originally my director) for the last 5 years.  We get along great.  OK, so I was chatting with W about the resumes that we received and moving forward with my interviews.  We are very worried about losing another rep, and she's the best we have so we really need to keep her.  The VP was telling W that he didn't care if she left, because he knows that I will pull together a great team, and train them well, and we'll have a team that can do what the market now dictates.  We laughed because really, I'm going to train them all?  Um, some of that will be delegated to my other staff members, which is one good reason why I don't want to lose my great rep.  So it made me fell really good, my VP has a lot of hope in me, but that's really a lot of pressure.  I'm not in the most high profile territory for my company, so there's a lot riding on me making things happen.

I love the pressure.  That, however, doesn't make it easy :-)

Monday, November 21, 2011


Hello Fellow ICLW'ers!

This is the second time that I've done ICLW, but it's been a while.  So I'll give you a quick run down on me and who I am.  K (the husband) and I started trying to get pregnant in early 2006.  Around a year into it (and after K telling me for months that we needed to get checked) we got checked.  Due to Cryptochordism as a child that went untreated until K was old enough to remember having the surgery, we were dealt the blow of moderately severe MFI.  We met with an Andrologist for a bit (a urologist specializing in male infertility) and tried Clomid for both of us along with some vitamins etc, only to find out that even if they helped K's numbers, they would still be so bad that IUI/AI still wouldn't do the trick.  There were around 600,000 swimmers in his samples, with less than 20% morphology and less than 15% motility (or maybe I have those %'s backwards).  So we self referred to an RE and jumped head first into IVF.

IVF cycle 1 round 1 was cancelled due to severe hyper stimulation.  IVF cycle 1 round 2 was cancelled because I ovulated before we started antegon.  IVF cycle 1 round 3 was a BFN.

We finally conceived via a donor, and have our beautiful daughter Bug, who is just about 16 months old.

Since she was born we have not prevented.  It took me a while to get AF back due to nursing, but she did finally join us.  We are now back on the wagon and dealing with secondary IF.  We met with a couple of RE's in September (we moved since treatments), and had been in the process of deciding IVF vs Donor sperm IUI and which doctor to go to, when my job transferred me 5 1/2 hours away and K got laid off.  So now, we continue to not prevent and have set aside extra money in next years flex save account.  We move next week, and will immediately work on setting up a couple of meet and greet appointments with a couple of new RE's and make our decision on which we'll use.  While we had originally been leaning toward donor sperm IUI, we have now officially decided to give IVF one LAST chance, then we will move onto donor sperm IUI and then adoption after a couple of cycles. 

Here's to admitting that secondary IF is no easier than primary IF.  The road is still hellish and long.  But having BTDT is currently giving me a different attitude towards everything, and the continued months of negative aren't killing me, I'm not tracking ovulation (although I typically can tell) and I'm only kind of paying attention to when AF comes.  I'm sure this may change once treatments get going again, but I'll keep my sanity as long as possible.

I look forward to finding some new bloggers to follow, and maybe gaining some new followers myself!

Happy ICLW!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Quick Updates

K is driving!  I'm So excited!

H went into labor on her own yesterday, shortly after I spoke with her.  In just under 4 hours of labor, and such a quick progression that she went pain med free (and she didn't want to LOL), she delivered beautiful baby P at 9:28 in the evening.  She was 7 lbs, 4 ozs and 20 inches long.  Please keep this family in your prayers, as I know the first 31 days are going to be very difficult for them, while they get past the point that they lost their angel baby. 

Last, a situation that I'm not sure I even ever complained about, our management company for our home that we are renting out back in T Town.  We ended up receiving notice that they were changing companies, and due to the way our contract is written it allowed us an out.  So, I sent them a term notice this morning and we will begin collecting rent directly from the renters in December.  This management company gave us problem after problem after problem... we had to hound them to collect our rent checks to pay mortgage, they wouldn't go over and fix things that needed fixing (including a leaky roof!!!) so we had to get contractors on our own (even though our contract with this company dictated that they were to fix these items), so you can get an idea of how horrible they were.  SO, we are going to be done with them!!

Yippee for keeping the good news coming!!!

Happy Friday!

(could I possibly put any more !! in this post???)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

So much good!!

First the best news of all, K is coming home tomorrow!!! He has been gone for a month and 1/2 now, and I am SO ready for him to be home! I've missed him SO much. We both went into it not expecting it to be too hard, knowing it was the last time for a while, but for some reason it was really difficult. I think (from my end) because Bug had such a rough go of it for a bit, and for K, he just hated being where he was (especially since he was staying with his slob of a brother, M).

So, K finally managed to get his check ride scheduled, and he was the only one to get it in before the holiday. Thankfully. So he found out the FAA guy doing the ride, and the school told him that he failed everyone the first time around. The pass rate for the check ride in general is only like 20% to begin with. K pretty much didn't care at that point, he just wanted to get it over with and get home. We knew he could do another one once he got here (yes, at more cost to us). So, he had it today and he PASSED!!!! I guess this FAA guy hasn't passed ANYONE in 5 years! So the school then offered him a job, anywhere in the country that they had a school. They basically told him if he could impress this FAA guy, then he really is an amazing pilot.

So, K officially has is CFI/II. The original plan was for him to finish out his IA down there too, but time ran out. So he's gonna come home, we're gonna move, and then we'll figure it out from there. He has a few good options for finishing out the IA soon.

On another good news front, a good friend of mine, H, is being induced tomorrow, and will soon be holding little baby girl P in her arms! Some of you may remember H as my friend who lost her amazing little boy at a tender 31 days old.  Back in March she shared with me that she was expecting again.  We have kept in closer contact since then, and I have seen her a couple of times.  I'm not sure if it's easier for her to see me now that she has another on the way, but it almost seems like it. 

Most recently a few weeks ago we had lunch on my way through T Town for work.  We had a really great conversation, and while I can tell that her son is in her every waking thought, that she is really allowing herself to feel joy with this pregnancy.  I know it's tinged with fear, I know it's going to be a tough 31 days, and then while it may get easier, I'm sure it will remain tough until their little rainbow can verbalize if something is wrong.   We have talked all along about me seeing her soon after the baby is born, and she has agreed to let me stop in the day before Thanksgiving on my way through T Town as we are moving.  I will make a point of seeing her more often than that, and not just when it's 'convenient' for me.  I am so very happy for her, and I absolutely cannot wait to see her and meet her precious little girl!

Tomorrow is my last day at my office here in Indiana.  I am both happy and sad, excited and scared.  I will miss my staff and coworkers here.  I will miss the small office feel (we all got along), I will miss being a part of doing what we did here.  But, I look forward to a million more opportunities at Corporate, I look forward to being a part of all the great new stuff that they are doing in Ohio, and I will enjoy being able to walk into the office of the person that I need help from.  Bittersweet.  I mentioned the LOVE sculpture replica that they got me, so here it is: Love

Have a great night!!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

she came

As i expected, AF reared her ugly head yesterday. Ah well, that is how it goes. It is how it goes, i expected it.

On an up note, my staff took me out for dinner and a couple drinks last night and i had a blast. It was so good to get out, and they gave me a replica of the LOVE sign that is in front of the indianapolis museum of art. Thay said it was for my new desk, as a reminder of all the love that will remain back in Indiana.

It feels amazing. As a manager you hope that you are doing right by your staff, but sometimes it is hard to tell. Their actions and words over the last weeks have told me that i am doing something right. It makes me feel so good, and proud. I never want to turn into a manager that doesnt focus on her staff, they are my number one priority, i am only as good as they are.

I am amazed by the outpouring of love from them. I will truely miss my staff here, the staff that helped make me the manager i want to be.

Friday, November 11, 2011

infertile thoughts

So, my period is late. For a fertile woman, this would possibly signal a blessing on the way. For an infertile like myself it means a month of even worse disappointment because i am hoping, and praying, that maybe a miracle happened and i am pregnant. The rational part of me realizes that the immense stress i am under, the uptake in bugs nursing and the fact that i have only had AF back for 6 months is the cause of this delay. I thought about testing, but i cannot handle the disappointment of the negative that i know i will see. It is so tough being back in this position, wanting to be pregnant, not using birth control, but playing the waiting game while we move and find a new RE.

So today i had to go to the doctor for an infection and a lump in my naval. Strange, right? I have no idea how it happened, and the doctor was curious too. She took a swab to send out and gave me an antibiotic. So in the process she asks when my last period was. So of course i had to tell her it was 6 weeks ago and i am late. I quickly followed up with a quick explanation that we struggle with infertility so chances are that i am NOT pregnant. They talked about doing a pregnany test, but i refused. So she gave me an antibiotic that is ok with nursing and pregnancy 'just in case' in her words.

Salt in the wound.

And the Duggars are pregnant again, WTF.

Some of the other random stuff going on:

-i took the GMAT and did HORRIBLE. For someone who graduated with honors in HS and her bachelors, that sucks.

-i have one week left of work here before we move. I am excited and nervous. I am looking forward to the holidays with my family.

-K should be home the end of next week. He has been gone 6 insanely long weeks. I cannot wait!!

-bug slept through the night Tuesday night. But was back to waking up a number of times a night after that. I was thankful for that one night!

I know theres more, but i cant think of them right now.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

CIO? Not in this house!!

For 15 1/2 months now, that is what I've been saying.  I feel very strongly about it, and so does K.  I've had to explain my position umpteen times to people who think it's the only answer.  I've explained over and over again about no cry sleep training methods, and how, at one point in time, they worked.

Those of you that have read my last couple of posts know that I'm seriously sleep deprived right now.  Since K left (5 weeks ago today) she has been up anywhere from 4 - 8 times a night, every night at least one of those times we are up for 1 - 2 hours (on a few occasions 3 or more hours) at a time, with Bug screaming her little head off.  It's exhausting, I'm exhausted.  When I pick her up it doesn't soothe her.  The only way I can soothe her is by nursing.  My nips were hurting.  Then, half the time, as soon as I popped the boob out of her mouth the screaming would start again.  She was banging her head on the crib.  Arching her back when held, but throwing herself around and reaching for me when not held.

I've tried everything, teething tabs, tylenol, ibuprofen, gas drops, gripe water, nasonex, two rounds of antibiotics, D'Allergy, some oragel (only once - it's a big no no, but I was desperate!!).  I've made it hotter, and colder, in her room.  We've tried an earlier, and a later bed time.  We changed her daytime nap around.  I've slept next to her crib with my hand in it.  I've even brought her into bed with me.  NOTHING has worked.  She's exhausted.  Wake up for the day has been around 4:00.  Then she screams for the first couple of hours that she's awake.  Then when I pick her up at daycare, she screams until I get her ready for bed.  During this awake time, she wants to be held, but doesn't want to be held.  She doesn't want to play.  The best thing I can do is carry her around the house, because if I sit it makes it worse. If I stand and walk it's a LITTLE better.  It's been an ordeal. 

During these 5 weeks there have been a few times where out of sheer desperation I called and woke up K in the middle of the night, hoping his voice would soothe her.  Typically this has been after 2 hours of screaming, so we're all exhausted.  I can't really say if it's worked or if it's just been that she's that exhausted after that long.  I'm not sure.  But I really honestly believe that a large part of this problem right now is separation anxiety from K. 

So, two nights ago, in my sleep deprived delusions I heard her crying.  I laid there in bed while the tears started to roll down my face.  I didn't know what to do anymore.  I KNEW that as soon as I walked in there the crying would turn to screams and the nightly cycle would start again.  So I laid there.  Crying.  Listening to my baby cry.  I couldn't drag my exhausted body out of bed, I didn't have the physical or emotional energy.  My head pounded, the tears kept coming.  Then, I realized, she wasn't crying anymore.  I listened.  Silence.  Pure, blissful silence.  I passed out. 

A couple hours later she woke again, and I nursed her.  She went back to sleep and I was just on the verge of falling back to sleep myself when she woke up again, crying.  I laid there, frozen.  This wasn't screaming, but it was a little more than fussing.  I didn't know what to do.  It was like I couldn't make a decision anymore.

She went back to sleep on her own.

Now, I haven't set an alarm in a few weeks because of these insanely early mornings.

I woke up yesterday morning at about 6:20 and went and checked on her.  She was blissfully snoozing away.  I showered, got dressed, got all ready and woke HER up at 6:50.  When I woke her up she was a happy baby.

Then the mommy guilt hit.  I just did something that I am AGAINST for a variety of reasons.  My sleep deprived brain let me make that choice.  And I hated it.  It made me so mad.  How could I let her cry?

So I picked her up yesterday from daycare, and like always she cried on the way home.  Got home and ate dinner, and she was HAPPY BABY for the rest of the night.  Giggling (oh how I've missed those glorious giggles, those life saving, soul saving, heart warming giggles that I have been deprived of).  We sat on the floor together and played.  I chased her around the house as she laughed and smiled, and DIDN'T CRY.

I told K what I did, and he was great about it.  As he pointed out if she was going to be crying anyways, sometimes you just have to let it happen.

Last night, she woke up at 3:00 the first time, I couldn't believe that she made it that long.  I got up and nursed her.  She woke up at 5:00, and guilty mom let her cry for a few, and she was back out.  She woke up a Happy Baby at about 6:30.

I still hate CIO.  I would never do it with a young baby, and if these circumstances weren't what they are I wouldn't have allowed it to happen the last two nights.  I hate the feeling of guilt, but my baby girl is HAPPY again.  How is it that something that seems so wrong to me is the only thing that seems to have helped?  Is it a fluke? Coincidence? Do I allow it to happen for a couple more nights and see if her sleeping habits continue to get better? 

I don't know where to go from here............

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Where have I been?

It seems like it's been forever since I've written. So, where have I been?

Last weekend I had to drive out to Cleveland for my first day of work in my new job. It's a 5 1/2 hour drive, with Bug that ends up being more for breaks and a full sit down meal versus a quick drive through.

Bug's sleeping hasn't been any better. Well, it was for about 3 days, then it got worse again. I have no idea what's going on, although I have a feeling quite a bit of it is due to K being gone (and has been now for over a month). We'll see how it changes once he gets home in about 2 weeks. (which I'm SO over him being gone!!!).

So, I had my open enrollment for work last week. K and I chatted about it, choosing the right health plan, and deciding how much money to put in our flexsave account. Well, we decided on $3,000. We picked this because, even though we were leaning heavily towards doing donor sperm IUI, we have instead decided to go all out and do IVF. With the money from flexsave, plus our return, my bonus and maybe some credit card debt, we think we can make it work. Yes, even with him off. He is fighting the state trying to get his unemployment, which would help GREATLY, but he's being careful to tell them he's out of state because of some stuff he found online. They are trying to tell us that he hasn't paid to the state, but we have his check stubs to prove it, but he has to go into the office to get it hashed out. So I don't know how that's going to work right before we move, but we'll end up filing in Ohio anyways, but I'm concerned about how it'll all pan out.

So big decisions. We'll plan on picking a new RE soon after moving, and probably get things going after the first of the year. That gives me time to get Buggie weaned and get any updated tests that the RE wants to see.

It's been strange working out of this office but not having any reps there report to me like they used to. I'm trying to get some backlogged stuff caught up now before the big move happens. Wish me luck!

On the move front, the movers pack us all up and in the first of the week of Thanksgiving. We get in the car and drive out the day before Thanksgiving, so it'll be nice to spend Thanksgiving with my parents. Then we get the keys and they unload the day after Thanksgiving!

Wow, it's all coming so fast!!

And the GMAT? In case you're wondering... I'm squeezing some studying in here and there, and I take it on Wednesday. It'll be nice to have that off my chest.

Have a great one!!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Thank you!

First, I missed my 100th post!  So I just want to say Thank you for following our story :-)

Also, HUGE Thank You's to everyone who commented on my last post.  It has been getting better, still not great, but better.  We ended up on a second antibiotic, and this one seems like maybe it's helping.  Plus, tooth number 6 is about to come through.

So, I took today off, as a much needed Mommy day.  I took Bug to daycare (she woke up around 5:40, after waking up twice) and came home and took a nice bath, with a cup of hot tea.  As soon as I'm done with this post I am heading off to the spa for a well deserved massage (thank you to Bug's God Mother, A!), then home to nap.  Today is MY day, and I will not spend time cleaning, or doing things for everyone else.  After my last 2 weeks I think I need this.  Plus, this will make a much happier (and hopefully more rested) Mama, which will make a happier Bug!

So, here's to taking care of ourselves Mama's, we do not tend to do it very often because we have no problem laying down everything to take care of those that we love.  BUT, we deserve it! 

(just to note, it took a gift card that I won't be able to use once I move to force myself to do this LOL)

Have a great week everyone!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I just need to complain...

I hate doing so, even though I do it.  It makes me feel guilty, ungrateful for the blessing that God decided to give me in Bug, something I wanted so bad, something I worked so hard for.  I am SO grateful though, but in this little space of mine on the net, I need to let out some steam.

I'm tired.  God am I tired.  I'm 'I have a newborn' tired, and my baby girl is 15 months old.

It all started a few weeks back when she wasn't feeling well, and there was some teething mixed in (she finally got teeth 4 and 5).  So we had some rough sleep weeks, but K and I split the time, so we were tired, but it was OK.

Bug ended up going to the Dr twice for this illness, and they finally put her on an antibiotic because they couldn't figure out why she wasn't beating this thing, whatever it was.  I think that tooth 6 is trying to work its way in too.

Then K left.  A little over a week ago.  For this 35 or so day training out of state.  So I went into this trip of his already tired, but no biggie, I've done this before.  Right?

Well, since he's been gone, Bug has gotten up a MINIMUM of 3 times EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  Not only that, but each time she's up it's for around 45 minutes, with one of the times every night being for somewhere between 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  (and we all know that if the baby is up for 45 mins, it ends up being an hour for you by the time you pee, get back into bed, get settled and actually fall back asleep.  For me, the longer wake ups are worse and then take some time to fall back to sleep - even though I'm exhausted) The worst part is when she is up for this time it's not just awake, it's screaming and crying.  It's not wanting to be held but not wanting to be put down.  It's 'I'll make you think I fell asleep, let you put me in the crib, go pee, climb back into bed, get settled and JUST start to fall asleep, THEN I'll start screaming again to let you know I'm really still awake and pissed off.'  I'm finding myself nursing sometimes 2x a waking just to help her calm down, and maybe get back to sleep.

On top of not sleeping, she's not eating either.  She'll maybe take a bite or two of things, but that's all.  She'll take a sippy of milk, but only a little bit.  What she does want?  To Nurse.  A Lot.  I guess it's a good thing that I hadn't gotten to the point of fully weaning her (and myself) since she's nursing lots more these days.  But my nips hurt.

When I pick bug up from daycare, she just wants to cry and be held too.  I love holding her, don't get me wrong, but it makes it hard to change clothes, eat, etc.  And holding her while sitting down is not good enough, I have to be standing up and walking around.  Then she'll claw and scratch at me as she tries to get at my boobs, even if I just nursed her.

She keeps banging her head on things.  The side of the crib, the floor, the wall.  She hits it so hard she starts screaming, and leaves red marks.  (yes, all of this has been discussed with the doctor, but I'm going to call again since we've now been through a round of antibiotics).

Know how things that are OK when you're OK suddenly seem intolerable when you're running on a mere fraction of the sleep that your body requires? 

That's where I'm at.  But, multiplied by 9 nights so far.  Every little thing makes me want to break down and cry.  I am getting frustrated in the middle of the night when she won't go back to sleep.  (don't worry, it just ends with me in tears, holding her until she finally passes back out).  I'm yelling at stupid drivers on the road, I'm having a hard time concentrating at work.

I have a history of headaches and migraines.  Other than during pregnancy, I have been able to keep the migraines at bay for years.  In fact, the headaches in general have been pretty good.  Well, the last 5 or so days I've had a headache everyday.  Last night it reached migraine levels, and there is little I can take since I'm still BFing.  (at least that works for me).  I know it's because I'm stressed, my allergies are kicking up with the season change, but a huge factor is lack of sleep.  I can tell my tank is on E.  Last night's first wake up I had to call K and have him sing to her and try to calm her down, because I was curled up in a ball, dizzy, nauseous, and ready to puke from my headache.

My house is a mess.  The only reason dishes aren't piled in the sink is because we've gone out for dinner the last couple of nights, and I've given up trying to do much until I know she's gonna eat, so I try easy things first so I don't waste time and dishes.  I haven't been able to study, because my baby girl comes first, always.

K has only been gone about 9 days.  We still have a MINIMUM of 26 to go.  Oh yeah, and we'll be moving within a week after he gets home.  I start my new job in just over a week.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed and alone right now.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

2006, Year 7

As it's been a while, I'm going to point you back to some of my other posts, especially in case you haven't read any of them thus far.  So, you can go to Year 6, Year 5 and Year 4.  Year 4 has the links to the prior years in it.

So, since I tortured poor K in my last post, I guess it's time to laugh at myself!!

Sometime in 2004 K finally got sick of listening to me talk about how much I loved Europe (I had been there twice) and said to me 'if you love it so much, why don't we just go!'  So, I spent the next year and a half saving money and planning a 3 week trip for just the 2 of us.  We did it in May/June 2006 as a graduation present to ourselves.  We both worked full time through college, and he graduated in 2005 and I did in 2006 (after 8 looooong years, but 3 degrees!).

We travelled all around while we were there.  I didn't know if I would ever get him to go back, so I wanted to try to take him to as many the places that I loved as possible, in hopes that he would also fall in love.  (he did - we can't wait to go back!).  We are big wine drinkers, so we hit the Champagne region, and one of their many wine regions. 

For the wine region, we went to the city of Dijon.  Yes, also known for their mustard!  We decided to rent bikes and ride through their 'rue de vin' (or whatever it was called) and find wineries to stop in and try wine, and buy what we wanted.

As a side note here, we had actually budgeted a decent amount of money for duties on bringing back wine, as if I remember correctly, between the 2 of us we only got like 3 bottles duty free, and we knew we wanted to bring back more than that.

So, we rode around and stopped at a few vineyards.  We were having a blast, tasting wines and picking some to bring home that were not sold in the states.  The last vineyard that we found was a little, out of the way, family run place.  It was actually really hard to find and we almost gave up.  I'm glad we didn't - the wine was AMAZING.  They didn't import to the US at all, so we brought home a number of their bottles.  The owner was super nice, and ended up giving us a ton of wine to taste/drink while we were there.  Which of course, by that point, we weren't spitting it out anymore, we were just enjoying.  So when we left and hopped on our bikes, we both realized that we had a buzz.

I promise we are not alcoholics, even though these 2 years involve drinking!!!

So, we are riding on our way back into Dijon, and we come into this little town with a town center.  We decide to stop here (I think maybe I had to pee or something?  I don't remember).  So, I pull into the town center (K is behind me) and they have these HUGE cement planters all around the square.  I decide, in my infinite drunken wisdom, that I can totally just come to a stop by plopping a foot down on one of these planters.

Can anyone see where this is leading?

I miss and my foot slides off.  Of course, I've got some moment from being on the bike, so my leg slides all the way down the planter (owie) and I go flying off the bike to land in a pile of Emms next to the planter, with the bike a few feet away. 


Luckily no wine bottles in my backpack break, but the cement burn down my skin was nasty, and bleeding like a son of a b****.  We have nothing to staunch to blood, so it just keeps running, not trickling, down my leg into my sock.  Awesome.  Of course, since I've been drinking, and the cut is on the bone, it's bleeding worse then it probably would have normally.  I might've cried a little, I'm not really sure.

But I sit up and turn around to find K laughing hysterically at my plight, and some townspeople staring at us both like we've gone mad.


I have a scar from that time, and the story that goes with it makes me laugh every time I tell it. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

19 Kids and Counting

So, the other night I was exhausted.  I did some studying for the GMAT, and then watched about 10 mins of TV before crashing out just after 9:00.  Bug hasn't been sleeping well, so that means I haven't been either.

So, I was flipping through the channels, and I knew I only wanted to watch for a few mins, so I didn't want to get hooked into anything.  So, I was looking for something stupid to stare at blankly for 10 mins.  What do I stop on?  19 kids and counting.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why in the world would an infertile choose to watch this show?  I don't know, I'm asking myself the same question.  I've never watched it before, I've always refused based on the obvious. 

I swear my hand had a mind of it's own, and picked the stupid show.  I really did only watch about 10 mins of it, but in that 10 mins I managed to get myself worked up.  How is it, that one single family can have this many children, when so many people out there can't even manage to get pregnant, or carry to term, or hold beyond birth, one child?  Is that really so much to ask for?  Don't get me wrong, I realize that I'm lucky enough to have that one child, even though I do want another. 

But it still pisses me off for my comrades, those soldiers that I fought this war next to that still do not have a child.  Those soldiers that are now trying for number two, those soldiers who had to mourn never having a child, instead choosing to live childless.  Those soldiers who had to mourn never having a 'biological' child, only to realize that their adopted child is.  These soldiers are good people, they deserve the chance to be a parent.  To hold their little one and watch them grow.  To see them off to college, to watch them get married, to help them welcome in their own child.

It's just not fair.  Good for the Duggars, if it's really what they want.  But they don't take care of their own kids, the other kids do!  So now you're forcing children to grow up before their time and become parents to their own siblings.  My big question?  How do they afford it?  Who pays for it all?  At least before the TV show that I'm sure makes them gobs of money.  For God's sake, let it be someone else's turn!!

I just remember too well the pain and heartache and suffering of primary infertility.  I'm remembering it everyday as I struggle with secondary infertility, and the decisions that must be made, just to have a child.  Something that should come naturally, something that no one should have to fight so hard for.  Something that causes so many marriages to fall apart, sometimes that helps to put them back together, and something that causes people to feel like failures as women and men. 

Every day I live with the burdens, skeletons, and choices that infertility left me with.  It's who I am, without it I would be missing something so important and integral to the person that I have become.  I would not trade my experiences, even if I sometimes wish I could go back and make better choices.  I do NOT want to go through it again, but I know that we will come out the other side.

To those still in the trenches, remember how many before you have sat in your shoes and been able to make those difficult choices and come out the other side as a better person.  Remember all those that struggled for more years then you think you could handle, and how in the end they got their miracle(s).  Let it help keep your hope alive, even though hope is sometimes what makes the fall that much more difficult.  Without the hope you will not make it through.  With it, with the knowledge that so many have made it, and with your beliefs (whatever they may be), you will make it through too.  Your time will come.

And please, for God's sake, DO NOT WATCH 19 KIDS AND COUNTING!!!

Sorry, I'm off my soap box now, I think.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

It's official!!

So, after my post yesterday the director that is hiring called me.  They finally worked everything out with HR, and offered me exactly what I needed in order for us to move.  So, it's official!  I will travel to Cleveland 10/31, and that will be my first day.  I will actually physically work out of the Indy office until my start date of 12/1 at Corporate.

I'm excited, and scared to death.  It's doing the same basic job I do now, but it's actually really different.  Plus you add in that it's our corporate office, it's in downtown, I'll have a much longer commute, we still have to find a daycare, yada yada yada.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

House Hunt and serious baby fever

So, our house hunt this weekend went really well.  We spent a LOT of time in the car, drove about 1000 miles total, totally screwed up Bug's naps, but I think we have found our house!  It is just contingent on the owner finding an apartment by November 1, that way if she doesn't we have enough time to try to find a new place.  All of the paperwork in regards to my transfer is still going through, so that kinda sucks as I feel a little like I'm in limbo.  The house we are living in now is up for rent, we are signing all the paperwork for our new place, but the work stuff is still being finalized.  Ugh.

Bug is sick, again still.  She's been getting headaches (hitting her head against things), been real tired and grumpy, and has had this absolutely, horrible, knock you over bad breath.  It's SO bad!  I mean, come on, baby's breath usually smells good!  Man, I am telling you, in the middle of the night when it's at its worst I have to turn my head away from her to get some fresh air sometimes!  So, we took her to the doctor yesterday, they did ANOTHER strep test, and it came back negative.  So, they decided to go ahead and put her on an antibiotic since she's been sick for so long now.  On a good note, tooth number 5 popped through the gum last nigh - and it's a top tooth!  Woo Hoo!  Now I just hope the other top tooth comes through, otherwise I might giggle a little at my cutie pie with 4 bottom teeth and 1 top tooth :-)

K left for his training, boo.  We are going to miss him so much.  It's going to be hard with him gone as I'm still trying to study for my GMAT, which I rescheduled (at the cost of $50 thank you) for the beginning of November.  I needed the extra time to study. 

So, I have 4 people in my life that are pregnant right now.  One is due this month, one is due November (my friend that lost her son!), one is due December, and one is due February.  I'm happy for them, but I'm really feeling the strain of wanting another.  Of course K's lay off and this move are slowing the process down.  I work hard to remind myself that we will get a chance to try again, it's just a matter of time.  The best part about it is that I can cuddle bug and it makes me feel so much better.  I just so badly want to give her a sibling.  It's been a year of unprotected sex again, but I didn't get my cycle back until about 6 months ago (or so).  I know it's not affecting me as bad though, because the sex isn't about baby making.  In fact, it's very strange, it's not like that at all.  I think it's because I've accepted that we'll never get the 'happy accident' together, and I have come to terms with that.  We are still stressing a little about IUI versus IVF, but I really have a feeling we'll go donor sperm IUI, just because we don't want that huge age gap. 

Now that I've gone over a  hodge podge of items, I have to get back to work.  Hope everyone is having a great week!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My Friday

Hi All!

Well, Bug is feeling better, but I think her 2 top teeth may finally be getting ready to come in. She got tooth number 4 just about a week ago... another one on the bottom! Once it comes in a little more I'll try to get a picture of it. Her fever finally went away, but then it turned into this all over body rash that looked HORRIBLE. She is still a little on the irritable side, and not sleeping real great, but we're getting there.

On another note, we are getting ready to go house searching. Someone asked in my post about moving, where we were going. We are going to Cleveland, Ohio. We are excited, but nervous and scared too. Wish us luck!

So we agreed that as soon as we move we are going to find a new RE again, and look at getting the process started. We both agreed that we are about 90% prepared to go donor sperm IUI route, in part because of the timing. We really don't want to wait another 5 years while we get K back to work and save up the money that we are going to be eating away during his lay off. I think he's really excited about it. During dinner tonight he was talking about taking Bug out on the boat next year, and taking her swimming, and then was joking with me about me not being able to go because hopefully I'd be pregnant, and I get so darn large when I'm pregnant that I wouldn't be able to swim for fear of being top heavy. (all in good fun joke :-) Then after we had just finished giving Bug a bath, and I was holding her and he was standing next to us, he made a comment that what would complete the picture would be another little one is his arms. It's SO sweet, I know he's really excited about doing it again.

Well, so much more to say, but off to my last class for my GMAT prep course. Which yes, I will still be doing even though we are moving. I'm a glutton for punishment... new job, new city, TTC with help, MBA, K laid off.... yep, I thrive on stress LOL.

Please know - even if I'm not commenting a lot on blogs, I am reading them! It's just a time issue right now...

Saturday, October 1, 2011

poor bug

First, apologies for typos as I'm doing this post from my cell. Poor bug is sick. Yesterday morning she felt warm but when I took her temp it was normal. About an hour after dropping her off at daycare they called to say she was running a slight fever. An hour after that K had to go get her. It was 101.2 when he picked hee up. We kept it down but this morning its back to 101.4 and I can tell she's miserable. No other symptoms really, except for congestion that has been around but sounds worse today. so its strange. Poor kiddo! I hate not being able to make her feel better.

Friday, September 30, 2011

you have GOT to be kidding me!!!

So, K's furlough, they agreed to pay him through Oct 7.  He was officially laid off on Sept 23.  All good, right?

So, Bug had a fever today, so he picked her up at daycare around 9:30 this morning.  Well, he just got a call from the company that laid him off - he's junior assigned to work.

Um, WTF?!!!  He apparently said to them 'no I'm not, I don't work for you anymore, you laid me off, remember?'

Yeah, well, if he wants his pay until Oct 7 he has to go.  How F'd up is that?  The only good thing out of it is the president of the union talked to the company to make sure that he get's his day of overtime from earlier this month (they didn't want to pay it since he didn't actually 'work' his whole month, but it was a day outside of his scheduled time), and they promised that these days will be overtime too. 

I'm all for the extra money, don't get me wrong, but this is seriously messed up.  Needless to say he's bringing the baby to me and then I'm taking her back home.  Amazing.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Oh Boy!!

Not in a bad way!

So, the director that is hiring at our corporate office called today.  The CEO approved the job to be filled yesterday, and she wanted to know if I was still interested in moving.  Um, yeah.  They offered to pay for moving, but since it's a lateral move no raise now, but will consider it in 6 months.  I'm actually OK with that.

The only problem?  We're only about 3 months into a 2 year lease.  With K's recent furlough, we CANNOT pay rent here, part of mortgage back home, and a NEW rent payment at corporate.  So I told her this, and explained that the only way I could do it is if we could work something out. 

So.  I have to call the rental co tomorrow and see what I can do to get out of my lease.  See at what cost, and then let them know.

I think we're going to be moving!!!  YIKES!!!

(woo hoo - closer to my parents and friends for both of us... at corporate with more advancement opportunities.  This will be scary, but good!!)

Saturday, September 24, 2011


So, K took off last Sunday for the last part of his duty this month.  He was sitting hotel reserve, with a bunch of other people and not a full crew.  Tuesday he got a random call from the travel scheduler that he could go home and do home reserve.  OK, we were happy because Wednesday was his birthday, but he thought this scheduler was being spiteful towards another FE that was also sitting reserve with him (she's that kind of person). 

Well, then Wednesday night, the October schedule went out to rebid.

Thursday night, all the crew that was in training for upgrades had training cancelled.

Friday morning K got the first call from a buddy that said buddy was furloughed.  He called me (I was on the road for work) and let me know.  We knew it had been coming, but we got complacent because it hadn't happened.  A couple more phone calls and texts later, he got his call.  Apparently they saved him for last because the guy that had to make the calls really liked K.

So, he's officially furloughed.  He already started the process to go to Dallas and get his CFI and CFII so that he can get a job to build up his hours.  It'll be a 30 day program, but the good news is no more 20 days away after that, at least for a while.  Until he gets a job flying the big birds again.

I consider us lucky.  We still have my income, and some money in savings.  We'll be OK, it's going to hurt, and we'll pull out of savings Every.  Month.  (from what we are hearing his unemployment won't be a whole lot, but that is still to be determined... depends on what state we can claim it in).  But we'll make it.  We've been here before (he got laid off as an A&P back in 2001, yep, right after 9/11), but that doesn't make it fun.  Especially since that money was earmarked for IVF. 

I know that not everyone will fair so well.  I feel so badly for those families.  But we do have some tough decisions to make (although nothing nearly as tough as others are dealing with, please know that I get that).

So now, we decide do we go ahead and do the donor sperm and IUI (as it's cheap enough that we can squeak it out once or twice and just make it until I get my bonus or we get our tax refund), or wait the God knows how long to get him a job and replace the money in savings.  That could be 5 years down the road!!

Oh yeah, another kink?  I've talked with my company about moving me to their headquarters.  Which is 5 1/2 hours away from where we are now.  I have friends there (not where I'm from though), and my parents live there.  Lots of good reasons to go, but I've got to overcome some negativity that I built in with some important people during my days in the dumps of drinking too much after infertility.

So, all in all I think we're handling it well.  It's so tough, knowing how much it's affecting.  There's so much on hold in my life right now, waiting to see what his unemployment will be, waiting to see if we'll move for my job, etc. 

And Buggie?  She's just happy that daddy is home.  :-)

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I really don't like you... (no, not you as in my readers..)

You as in a former boss of mine, V.  Some of you may remember a brief mention of her in a post a while back (I'm not even gonna search it out because it was so minor).  My post basically talked about how I was paranoid on all my IVF meds and thought she was out to get me.  I realized that was the meds talking, but also knew that we had a lot of other issues.

Just for a base, here's an example of her issues with me back when.  I was handling a territory in my home state negotiating contracts.  It was the biggest and busiest territory worked out of our office.  We took on expansion in the neighboring state, and while I handled my normal territory, I also handled the largest territory in this expansion state.  Needless to say, I was working from 7:15 to 5:30 every day, with no lunch.  I still couldn't keep up.  I busted my butt to do so, and didn't complain.  Because it was my job, and I loved it.  She sat me down one day and told me that I wasn't doing enough, that she expected more from me.  I made sure she knew the long days I was working, and she basically told me that I must need another way to prioritize and organize.  Mind you, by this time I had been with the company for 8 years, had gotten nothing but rave reviews (and I worked as a supervisor in customer service!!), and had been promoted 4 times in these 8 years (and 2 more times since then).  I don't have a problem with prioritizing and organization, I simply had too much on my plate and apparently my best wasn't enough for her.  So, I said if that was what needed to be done, then I was open to, and looking for, suggestion from her on how to make that happen.  (mind you, at this point I was closing my office door to try to keep the world out and she told me I was distancing myself from everyone and needed to keep my door open more)

Her answer?

I don't know, get creative.

Nice leadership V.

After that I had a nice long conversation with my director, her boss.  He basically told me that he knew I was the busiest rep, that I was doing a great job, and just to keep my head above water as much as possible, that they were getting ready to start hiring some more people.  The same day we had this conversation is when he offered me a promotion, a lot more money and a sweet moving package to move to the expansion state.

So, now you have an idea about V.

It has taken me a couple of days to write this post because I'm so pissed.

The other day I had an email from an employee that works for V now, and has for a couple of years.  She just got back from maternity leave.  During her pregnancy we had many conversations about breastfeeding and the benefits, and I made sure she knew if she ever had questions or just needed support, to call me.  I am so pro-breastfeeding I think I even drive myself crazy.  So her email asked me for some pointers on pumping at work.  I was so excited and sent back a nice long email with what I had done.  Then we ended up talking.  She filled me in on the fact that V is riding her about the time it is taking out of her day to pump.


First of all, this is a salaried employee.  Second of all IT'S FEDERAL LAW!!!  For God's sake, we work for a HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY.  That's right, a health insurance company.  How can you say my company wouldn't want this to happen???

So, I proceeded to explain to her the law, and also explained to her from a management perspective (at least the way my HR does things) that we cannot do anything about the number of hours a salaried employee does or does not work - all we can do is push the 'are they getting their work done' aspect of it, and if not, handle any verbals, write ups, etc from that perspective.  Makes sense, doesn't it?  If you're getting your work done and you are a salaried employee, then who is management to tell you that you're not working enough hours? 


So, we had a 2 state staff meeting out of town Thursday and Friday, and I got to see this new mama.  We ended up chatting about it more, and as it turns out she is now the whipping post.  However, she mentioned that really all of her staff get crap handed to them, except for 1.  Did I mention that V's best friend works for her?  I bet you can guess who that 1 person is that doesn't get the shit beat out of her (figuratively of course) at work everyday.  Yep, her best friend (who joined the department right after me, but admittedly was not hired by V as she wasn't the manager yet). 

I tried to remain very PC since I am a manager with the company, but I basically told her that if she was having problems with either the pumping aspect of it, or being the whipping post, that she needed to talk to V's boss, HR, or both.  I also let her know that if the rest of the staff felt the same way about how V treats people, that they ALL needed to talk to V's boss, HR, or both.

In a small part of my mind it made me feel just a TINY bit better knowing that while I was her whipping post back when, that it was not necessarily just me, but rather who this woman is as a manager.  However, I feel horrible that there are other people in my company dealing with what I had to deal with.  I mean seriously, I am a manager too, and do not feel the need to hang my 'power' over my staff every day, and give them only negative feed back instead of positive.  In fact, I have had one of my staff that has struggled.  Know how I handled it?  We talked about it, we tried to find out if we could pinpoint why she was struggling and where it came from, and then we came up with idea's together (some from her, some from me, some a joint effort) on how WE could work on it to make it better.  Notice all the we's there?  After all, I'm only as good a manager as my employees are.

Know what?  She's doing 100% better today.  She still has a little work to go, but it's amazing the turn around I've seen.  I'm not trying to say I'm an amazing manager, but there's a way to get good work out of a person, and there's a way NOT to.  V is the epitome of what NOT to do.

I told this employee to please keep me updated.  I am going to be SO pissed if I find out that she stops breastfeeding (she struggles with supply issues as it is) because of a manager being a complete wench.

Ohhhhh do I dislike her.

I have so much more to tell you all (and get back to my memories since meeting K) but I'll have to get back to that.  This was so much more important to me right now.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Decisions, decisions...

Thank you Becky for calling me out :-)

I've been meaning to get this post done since Friday, but I've been studying my butt off for the GMAT. Luckily I don't take it until 10/13, but that is coming up WAY TO FAST!!

So. Lot's to say. Not even sure how to say it all! I'll just start at the beginning.

Thursday Morning we met with RE#1. We're going to call him Dr. ERB. Yep, Dr Erb. (stands for Dr Evil, Rainbows and Butterflies.) Confused yet? Yeah, me too. So, he reminded us of Dr Evil from Austin Powers. The whole way home K was saying '1 million dollars' in that Dr Evil voice. But I digress. The RB is because he was very much 'IF is all rainbows and butterflies' in his attitude. Well, those of you that have gotten to know me, and those of you that are my IF readers and have therefore lived through it, know how VERY. UNTRUE. THAT. IS. But, we liked him.

I had sent both RE's a 3 page document with all the info that I could find in regards to our history.. it included doses of meds, numbers of follies at my ultrasounds, E levels, etc.

So, good conversation with him was he felt that he could change up the meds protocol (thank you) and move forward. He advised with this newer protocol they use for people who fly (I am an over responder) they can do a Lupron Trigger (sounds strange, right? Lupron is usually used to Suppress!), and it has to do with using your natural LH instead of the typical trigger. He says that even women with E levels in the 9000 range (used to land you in the hospital very very sick) could trigger this way and not get OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome - the thing that lands you in the hospital). He said he doesn't have to cancel cycle's all that often - woo hoo! Sorry for spelling some of this out, but I know that some readers may not be versed in infertility lingo. He had a great bedside manner, a great sense of humor, and his IVF cycle (not including the meds, office visits, labwork and ultrasounds which can be billed to my insurance) is just under $9,000. We liked that he wants to not do the same basic protocol, we liked his personality and office staff, and we liked (well, as much as you can) his price. They do all of their labs in house.  We honestly walked out of there ready to go there. With orders for an updated day 3 labs, an HSG, and a new semen analysis, and the knowledge of what exactly to request, in terms of records, from my old RE's office. (Oh yeah, and he has a satellite office about 2 hours from my old RE, and has seen quite a few patients from there with a lot of the same complaints that K and I have about them!!)

Friday morning, RE#2, or Dr. BK. Dr. Buzzkill. Yep. Dr BK was very much realistic. It doesn't always work, blah blah blah. He wants to go a bit further in terms of testing, do a DNA fragmentation test for K (which has never been done before) to find out if that's part of the reason my embryo's weren't great the first time around. He wants to get all my day 3 labs, and wants to focus on my TSH, as he is wondering if I have a slight form of PCOS. WHAT? Where did that come from? Um, yeah. He's thinking that because I have long cycles, and lots of spotting. But no real other 'typical' symptoms. But long cycles pretty much guarantees that there are some anovulatory cycles in there. So. Other than that the other typical day 3 tests, and an SIS (similar to an HSG) to make sure that there's no polyps or anything up there. He flat out told us he is very aggressive in that if he finds ANYTHING that makes him unhappy during a cycle, he will cancel and aggressively treat it. Which could include surgically removing cysts, etc. Um, I hate cancelled cycles. Like, a lot. And surgery to remove a cyst that may go away on it's own? I'm not so sure about that. BUT. He's doing it to make sure that you have the perfect cycle. Hm, suddenly doesn't sound like it's a bad thing, does it? So, at this appointment we did a baseline ultrasound, which showed him what he expected to see based on where I'm at in my cycle. I like that he did the ultrasound himself (at my old office the nurses always did them). He wants K to come off some blood pressure meds that could be affecting (however slightly) his boys. He wants K to start taking some fertility vitamins, and suggested we go organic when possible to remove toxins. He 'treats the whole body.' 1 Cycle there will run about $2,000 more than the other place. He was very down to business, didn't waste time with small talk. Personality wise we liked the other better, but did like him as well. He did a lot more digging into our histories with his questions than the other one did, so to me seems he is very thorough. BUT, he would want to do a long lupron cycle still, but use menopur and bravelle instead of repronex, but start on a very low dose like I did in the past with the repronex.  Um, isn't that the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and expecting different results?  I guess it's not exactly the same as he is changing up the meds a little bit.  So we walked out of there with orders for day 3 labs (that they do not do in house), a SIS, an ovarian diminished reserve test, and all of these other things.  Plus, he wants me to stop BFing, wait 1 cycle then get all the tests, then start BCP's right away and keep on the meds straight until we cycle, meaning skip the 'sugar pills.'

We walk out of that office suddenly very unsure of ourselves. We have NO IDEA where to go from here. With the possibility of K getting furloughed, we knew that we would need to wait until after the first of the year, but with it being a little more expensive than what we paid before, we're afraid we could have to push it off longer. We also have deductible, coinsurance, and copays for all of the insurance covered stuff.  So then we started talking about doing donor sperm IUI, as it would be cheaper and we could do it sooner without as much of a hit on our savings.

We keep talking about it, but no decision is made yet. I have no idea where to go. I want that baby that is part of me and part of him, but is it worth the emotional and financial strain? We agreed if we do IVF, it'll be just 1 cycle (and an FET if we have any embies frozen), then we would do a few cycle's of donor sperm IUI (probably just 3), and then move onto adoption. Or, we could try a few donor sperm IUI and then onto IVF and then adoption, or cut out IVF altogether.

Part of the problem is that we never wanted more than 2 kids. So, having 1 already, this decision is it, if we decide not to do IVF and get pregnant off of donor sperm IUI then K will never have a biological child. There's no going back, you know? I don't think that would change either, I don't think we'd decide to have a third just to give him that link. (Becky - I need your experiences here!!!)

We've discussed it. We've thought about it. We've discussed it some more. Then thought about it some more. And we are no closer to a decision. We feel in limbo. If it weren't for his job I think we'd definitely do IVF. So if we would, then why wouldn't we anyways? Timing, and money, and after what it did to us before, is it worth it?

What to do, what to do.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I'm on a quick break during my class that I am taking to prep for my GMAT... and I have to ask myself....


OK, I feel better now. Back to studying and preparing myself to make this dream happen!!

PS - I'm also freaked because we have our first consult with RE#1 tomorrow!!!


Saturday, September 3, 2011

Bug: operation keep mama awake

So, i'm a little upset with dada. Last week he had to go and be all sweet to mama and let her get some sleep while he tended to me in the middle of the night and early in the morning. Just when i had her trained, had her sorta functioning on short nights with lots of wake ups where i demanded to be nursed and nothing less. By the end of the week i figyred out what he was doing and went back to sleep easy for him. But mama? Allowing THis insanity to happen? I am not ok withit. Therefore i began operation wake mama/keep mama awake. For all youother babies out there (baby E i am dedicating this to you) here is what i have done so far.

Thursday night: made mama think i was going to let her sleep. I had to ease her back in. I kinda woke her up around 2, but let her fall back to sleep. Then woke her again around 4, fussed until just before i knew she would get up then stopped. Let her fall almost back asleep and did it again. Did this over and over until just before 5, then rocketed her out of bed with the perfect screams. Then when she came in to get me i stepped up the screams a notch to bloody murder. But i did it with my eyes closed so she knew i was tired and would try to get me back to sleep. I screamed until she stuck her boob in my mouth. Ah sweet mamas milk.

Now do not worry as soon as i was done nursing i continued to yell the whole time mama got ready for work, until she had a few minutes to play with me (since we were so early) then i giggled and laughed and practiced my standing. I was overall my adorable self that she cannot help but to smile and love on me.

Friday night: rinse and repeat, but moved the times up by 30 minutes, including getting up around 430ish. I screamed and screamed while she tried to hush me until she gave me some mamas milk. Then i just fussed but wouldn't go back to sleep even though i was tired. Until i made her nurse me again, around 620, right about the time she wouldnt be able to go back to sleep.
ha ha ha mama.

Then at nap time on saturday, i slept only 20 minutes then was wide awake. I knew she had to be somewhere at 3, so i stayed awake until 2 then decided to go back to sleep and sleep just late enough that she was late to her obligation, which happened to be work.

Oops! That will teach her to try to catch up on her sleep debt.

I love you mama but i am not sure yet how i will let you sleep tonight. Just bring on the boobies for me and i will be happy for a little while.


Friday, September 2, 2011

So much to say!!!

I don't know where to begin!!

So, right after we found out that K was going to get furloughed, we talked about me going back for my masters.  I've been wanting to do it for a while, and was getting ready to when I found out I was pregnant.  The time hasn't really been right since then, with Bug being so young and K being gone so much.  The timing was perfect now, because right about the time we were finding out of K's impending furlough, the other manager in the office (with less experience then me) got promoted to director and is now my boss.  (I wasn't even given an opportunity to try for this job, and I just had to teach him to interview for an open position!!!).  The next day a competitor to my company called and wanted to talk about a job, but while it was more money, it was going to be a lateral move.


So, I thanked the competitor and told them to keep me in mind, but for now I was not looking for a lateral move.  This was a tough decision to make, but I think it's for the best right now.

Then today, I signed up to take a test prep course through Kaplan for my GMAT.  I'd like to have already taken it and been applying to meet that Oct 1 deadline that most schools have for their first round, but I didn't want to wait another year.  So, the class will end on Oct 5 and I'll try to take the GMAT soon after that, then apply for grad school.  I'm super excited, but so nervous.  I've been out for 5 years now (after it took 8 years to work through my associates and undergrad), but I've wanted to go back since I left.

So, where does this fall in with TTC?  Good question.  We are still going to our first initial consults next week.  I'm excited and nervous, but K and I had a discussion that anything we could do to continue moving forward with our lives during the TTC process, well, we would do them.  I know that school will be tough with going through IVF and a young one at home, but hey, I tend to work best under lots of pressure and stress!

Beyond that, work helps pay for school.  I'll still  have to take student loans too, but it's a lot of help.  IVF will be out of our pocket, and even though we're meeting with docs next week, I don't think we'll be able to start a cycle for a few months with K's future uncertain right now.  (we still haven't gotten notice of his furlough, ugh).  So, we can't justify cleaning out savings right now for IVF if he is going to be out of a job - we'll need that money to pay bills.  (having the house back home that we rent out doesn't help, unfortunately we collect less than what our mortgage is).  Especially as we are not sure how much he'll get from unemployment, and then how much he'll make in a new job.  If we knew it was going to be another year, then I would do it and not worry about it. 

We've been working on this sleep training, and to be honest, she sleeps better when K goes in then when I do.  If I do, she just wants to nurse, and will scream if we don't, which just wakes her up all the way.  The last 2 nights K took care of her at night, and she slept until 6:30.  Last night it was all me, and she was up at 5.  Go figure.

On a last note, and in line with a lot of my other posts lately, but backing up a bit.... I was on my way home today and listening to the soundtrack from City of Angels (good soundtrack, great tear filled movie for me).  The Alanis Morrisette song came on, and it reminded me of the year that K and I met, and how hard I tried to scare him off.  Then I saw a go fast bike going down the road, with a guy on it with a similar build to K, and it really got me going.  I remember the first time I saw K on his go fast bike.  It's the same one he still has today, so it's about 13 years old by now.  But, it was before they banned Smoking Joe from advertising for Camel Cigarette's.  Remember him?  Well, every year for just a few years Honda made a go fast bike with Smoking Joe on it.  While this one isn't his, here's what it looks like:
I think they made 2000 for the few years that they made them.  So not RARE per se, but not easy to come by either.  K got the 1998th one (if I remember right) made in 1998, the last year that they made them.  Pretty cool.

Anyways, the first time I saw him on it was amazing.  I got so turned on, being young (only 19) and naive.  He was hot, the bike was hot, and he had a lot of fun on it (not as stupid as some, but he enjoyed the speed for sure).  The first time I got on it with him I was in love.  Holding tight to him, feeling the power between our legs... wow, it was so amazing. 

I haven't been on that bike in years.  He probably has only been on it a few times in the last couple of years, and doesn't drive it near as crazy.  But man, I suddenly want to see him on it again, when Bug isn't home, and then enjoy some adult time :-)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

2005, year 6

I love this story.  Every time I think of it I laugh out loud.  Poor K, this story is all about him. 

Back in the day K had the BIGGEST crush on Julia Stiles.  I mean, the kind of crush that brought out the 'if you were allowed to sleep with any celebrity and not get in trouble, who would it be' conversations.  She was always, always, always at the top of his list.  I thought it was cute :-)

So, in 2005 we travelled to Omaha, Nebraska for K's youngest brother, M's, wedding.  He was the last to get married off, and K was his best man and I was a bridesmaid.  So we spent the week there helping with everything.  A few days before the wedding, we did the bachelor/bachelorette parties.  While they started out separately, we all ended up at the bar where the then happy couple met. The guys were there first.  I was the DD that night, so had only had about 1 drink all night.  But the guys, and the girls were all, well, wasted.  K included.

So we walk in the bar, and K sees me and comes over to say hi.  I can tell he's pretty lit and find it really darn amusing in my very sober state.  So we chat for a second, and then his eye's light up.  I mean, like a kid on Christmas light up.  He leans in and (stage) whispers to me (oh yeah, that was because he was too drunk to realize it was louder than he wanted LOL) 'you gotta come see this Emms, you really gotta come see this.'  He proceeds to grab my arm and drag me across the room to the bar.  We stop, he lets go, and looks at me expectantly.

Um, yeah, I had NO idea what I was looking at.  So, apparently the quizzical look in my eye's finally let him know that, and he leaned forward, and (stage) whispered to me again 'look behind me.'  Luckily, it was loud at the bar, and everyone was drunk, so I don't really think anyone heard.

Because I had no idea what I was looking for, I tried to be kind of casual about it as I turned around and scanned the crowd.  Who do my eyes fall on but...


OK, OK, it really wasn't her, but this wasn't one of those 'you remind me of...' or 'has anyone told you that you look like....' situations.  I mean, this girl WAS Julia, without really being her.  If that makes sense.  I mean, I was even kind of star struck, even though I knew that there was no way that M knew Julia Stiles and we never knew it.  I think I even stared for a minute, eye's wide open, mouth ajar.  Surprised.  Then I shook myself out of it and turned to find giddy eyed K practically dancing at the bar with excitement.

It turns out it was the wife of a friend that M went to high school with.  No, her name was NOT Julia.  But I'm telling you, it was uncanny.  So we ended up talking quite a bit that night (and the next few nights as well), as she turned out to be sober too. 

Because I am me, and cruel like this, I decided to share K's immense crush with this woman.  She got QUITE the kick out of it and we enjoyed playing poor, drunk K up for the rest of the night as she flirted with him.  I'm betting he had pleasant dreams that night!!

Needless to say, M is now divorced and dating, well, a crazy woman.  Yep, gotta love my in laws :-)

Saturday, August 27, 2011

2004, year 5

When you really sit down and think about memories, I have found that some of the best one's fall into a basic time frame in my brain, but to remember the exact year it happened isn't always real easy.  So, the memory I am going to tell here I BELIEVE happened this year, but I won't swear on it.  Because I BELIEVE it did, I'm using it as this memory :-)

We made the decision this year to go on vacation to Virginia Beach.  K's parents had an old pop up camper  (K wasn't big on tent camping) and they were willing to let us borrow it, along with K's dad's new truck.  So we packed up the camper, put our bikes and K's motorcycle in the truck, and made the long drive from Ohio to Virginia. 

After we had been there for a few days, we decided to make the drive to the outer banks and go to Kitty Hawk, NC.  Makes sense, since K is (and always has been) involved with Airplanes.  So, we packed up a backpack, hopped on the bike, and headed out.  When we got there we realized that we weren't thinking, and hadn't brought bathing suits.  So, we did some shopping and hit the beach in Kitty Hawk.  It was an amazing time, and we loved soaking up the sun. 

I think I've mentioned before that K's bike is a go fast bike. 

So, there we were, chilling out on the beach.  Suddenly K looks up and says 'We have to go.  NOW.'  So I look up and see storm clouds rolling in.  They look pretty nasty, to say the least.  So, we are running across the street to get to the bike, throwing on our shorts and shoes on the way.  I didn't even take time to throw on a shirt over my bathing suit top.  I don't think either of us put on socks.  We knew we had to get out of there, and quick.

Go fast bikes are not fun in the rain, and they aren't very safe either.  So, we take off, K driving like a mad man trying to keep in front of the storm.  We keep looking behind us to see that sucker moving FAST.  So, we are halfway across the, what do you call it... the causeway I think it is... that runs out of Kitty hawk to get you through the rest of the outer banks.  It's really pretty long.  We are just getting on it when the storm hits.  I've never thought rain could feel like needles, but it did during this ride.  K tries to tail a SUV as it helps us from getting hit with as much of the rain, and keeps his traction a little better.  The SUV is uncomfortable with this and we finally give up.  We just rode as fast as we dared, all the way back to Virginia Beach.  By the time we got to the causeway that splits NC and VA (that really long land bridge surrounded by the ocean on one side and some kind of inlet on the other if I'm getting my geography right HAHA), the water is getting closer to the road.  Yikes!

By the time we get back to the campground we're both soaked and shivering.  But, it was a blast!  We had so much fun that day, even if it ended with the ride of our lives!!

The rest of the trip I managed to get the cartilage in my ear pierced (that only lasted about a year), we rode jet skies (K actually let me drive even though I pierced his tongue on a jet sky once), we did a whale watching tour, lots of window shopping and being lazy on the beach.  It was an amazing time, and I can't wait to do it again!

It's coming down pretty hard and fast, and you can see the water rising. 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

2003, year 4

First, if you've missed the first few installments of my years with K, you can find them below:
The year we met
Our second year
Our third year together

I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a good story from this year.  I could go obvious and tell about buying our house, but to me that's boring.  I have lots of good memories from this year, but for some reason none are calling my name to write about.  The first one's, and a couple after, have almost been whispered to me, you know?  While they may not be the 'obvious' stories, they are for me.  Except for 2003.  I could tell you about how we spent our first anniversary (downtown), or how we got our first dog (she didn't work out real well).  I could tell about sledding down our hill at Thanksgiving for the first time, or the busted soda bottles we found on our side porch after we finished sledding (what a mess!!), or how K's brother and I made peace that year.  I could laugh with you about our first Halloween in the house, at the end of a dead end street, so we parked the truck in the street and handed out from the bed of the truck (didn't go over real well, it was creepy to people - we didn't do it again!)

But none of those spoke to me.  But after talking it through, I know what does.  I'll tell you about a moment we had one evening not long after we moved into said first house.  We signed all the paperwork for the purchase and got the keys on my Birthday, April 14.  We actually kept our apartment for an extra month and did a LOT of work to the house before we moved in.  I couldn't tell you what day this moment happened, or even if it was before or after we moved in.  All I know is that we were exhausted from a long day and walked outside to relax a little.

Our backyard was magnificent.  We were set on an acre of land, at the end of a dead end street.  Our neighbors were close, but not THAT close.  Our backyard butted up to a creek, and our side yard to some woods.  No street lights.  Just far enough from the city that you could see a lot of stars, although not as many as really being in the country.  The house sat atop a hill so that you looked down into the backyard.

We walked outside and initially just kinda hung out in the side yard.  At some point K turned towards the backyard and I did not.  The thing I remember best was the low whistle followed by a quiet 'wow'.  It was one of those moments that you know something amazing has just happened.  I turned around to ask him what, but the question died on my lips as I stared in wonderment at this paradise that was our backyard.  Everywhere you looked there were hundreds, thousands, of teeny tiny flashing lights.  Jumping out of the darkness, first here, then there.  No matter where you looked your eyes caught shadows from the trees and blinking lights.  Lightening bugs.

I grew up with lightening bugs, knowing the power that they could hold on a young mind.  I never realized the power they could have over an adult until I saw them, really saw them, for the first time.  In that quiet night, surrounded by inky blackness that was only taken away by these magnificent creatures.  Talking to each other across our yard, through the woods, and allowing us to share in their dance. 

I don't know how long we stood there, staring, without saying a word.  At some point in time I moved closer to K and he wrapped his arms around me and we watched.  We really watched.  When we went back inside we felt rejuvenated instead of the bone tired from working full time, going to school, and moving into a new home that needed work. 

Every year after that, we spent evenings out there, enjoying our little light show.  Sometimes it started in the spring, sometimes closer to summer, but in the middle of summer was always the best.  If there is one thing I miss about that house (except maybe for our custom kitchen that we built ourselves), it is those little lightening bugs.  I wished away the winters because I hated winter with excitement and anxiety to enjoy our quiet evenings full of light every year.  Every year I was amazed at the way God's grace showed in this simple little thing. 

Even though the house is rented now, it is still OURS.  Next year, I will make it out there, if only for one night, to enjoy the beauty of God's creation.

Friday, August 12, 2011

2002, year 3

I could again go with the obvious, and talk about our wedding.  This time though, I think I will!

When we had gotten engaged in March 2001, I immediately decided that I wanted to get married on June 22, 2002.  I honestly didn't even know if it was a Saturday or not, but lucky for us, it was.

I planned our wedding for us, and had a blast doing it.  But as every bride knows, the last few weeks before the wedding I was stressed.  K told me I lost weight, but I didn't realize how much until I look back at pictures.  I was (am) pretty small to begin with, and I lost somewhere around 10 or so pounds.  May not seem like much, but I was skin and bones.

The two weeks before the wedding, I lived on ice cream.  It was shaping up to be a hot summer, which I thought I wouldn't have to worry about by getting married in June.  Boy was I wrong.  The day of the wedding  it was in the 90's with a heat index over 100.  Awesome.

I made it through the morning with tears falling only twice, once when we passed the cemetary where my Grandma was buried (she was supposed to be there for this!), and once when a former boss, as well as longtime friend, came down to see me in the room where we got ready.  We had some laughs getting the dress on without messing up my hair, veil, or makeup.  In the pictures as I am getting ready to walk up the stairs to walk down the aisle, you can see the excitement in my eyes.

The moment that I walked down the aisle was magical.  Both of my parents gave me away, and the excitement between K and I was palpable. We memorized our vows, but when I stood in front of that church, looking into K's eyes, I almost completely forgot them.  Messed em up a little, but no one but us knew.  When we did the part where K had to say 'I take you as my wedded wife' he said 'wedded husband' and the whole church laughed.  When the Father (a catholic wedding) said 'you may kiss the bride' we kissed, then we kissed again.  Right before the Father pronounced us man and wife, he made a comment that he was surprised K wasn't taking me away on his motorcycle (a go fast bike) instead of the limo we hired. 

As we walked back down the aisle, new man and wife, I know that everyone could feel our happiness.  One of the greatest pictures I have, but unfortunately not in digital format, is of that moment, I have a HUGE grin on my face, and K is giving the camera a thumbs up.  Says it all.

Some pictures from the church, after the ceremony:

I cannot say the rest of the day went off without a hitch.  As I mentioned, it was unbearably hot.  When we left to drive around before pictures, we had to stop and get me some nuts and water because I felt faint.  Then, we went to get pictures at the botanical gardens, and after we were done I took my shoes off because my feet were swelling, then couldn't get them back on.  So, we went to the mall (the entire wedding party) instead of the art museum.  Cooled down, bought some slippers, and got some lemonade.

Then we headed to the reception hall, where we managed to beat most of our guests due to a train.  So we left and went back.  In the process, someone realized that we had forgotten all of our mixed CD's at the church, 20 mins away.  They included all of 'our' songs (my brother was acting DJ for us).  So, my mom, being a saint, gave money to some friends and sent them out for the most important songs.

The reception was a blast.  Lots of dancing, lots of talking, lots of pictures.  In fact, the photographers were great, which was good because I found out that the photographer I had hired was sending someone in his place - 2 days before the wedding.  I almost had a melt down about that one... very stressed.

At the end of the reception, my mom and I fought over the fact that she forgot my contact solutions and case.  Then, we left and realized that the keys to our truck were back at the church.  So we had to wait outside, in the muggy heat in my dress, while someone ran to get them out of another car and brought them back to us.

But you know what?  It's all good memories.  Nothing bad about it at all.  The whole day was magical, as was the night :-)  When we finally made it to our hotel room in downtown, we overlooked the river.  It was so picture perfect.  We made some coffee, then counted our money from the dollar dance - pathetic, I know.  We needed some wind down time before we enjoyed consumating the new marriage.  The day was long awaited, and of course, flew by so fast.  Everything fell into place, even when dealing with the difficulties mentioned, and those I chose to leave out. 

This day was the moment that I felt my life come together.  It was the culmination of bad and good choices that built me as a person, and that person was who K fell in love with.  I thank God everyday for his love and devotion.  Without him I would be a lost soul.  With him, I am whole.  I love you K.

The honeymoon was in Jamaica, and was full of it's own surprises.  I'll give you two of the one's that still make us laugh.  One day we were enjoying a shower together, and I heard something, so I pulled back the curtain to find the maid handing us some towels, letting us know that they had been short towels when they cleaned the room. 

The second was the 3:00am knock on the door by a hooker (yep, a hooker) trying to convince K that she needed a place to sleep, and no, his new wife wouldn't care.  Um, yeah, not so much.