Friday, December 16, 2011

A need to write

I don't know why, but I just feel a need to write.  I don't really have anything to write about, but the day at work today was a little crazy. 
  • I keep wanting to make an appointment with an RE or two, but I'm so stressed about money I feel guilty about doing it.  We just had to pay $1100 to get our car fixed, so that was one more thing. 
  • I'm not sure if anyone remembers V, the boss from hell (you can read about her here).  Well, we now report to the same director again, so we have to work closer.  I got invited to a Holiday Dinner with one of my staff members for a provider that the rep used to handle, but is now handled by a rep under V.  It was cleared for me to go by the provider so I said I would.  The day before the dinner, V called and bitched me out because they were not MY providers, that I hadn't helped them in any way over the year, that it was inappropriate that I go to this dinner especially when she wasn't going, yadda yadda yadda.  I mean, a real c word that I hate but can almost stand using it when talking about her.  I mean really?  It's not a meeting, it's a holiday dinner.  I ended up talking to my director about it, who couldn't understand why V thought it was such an issue and told me to go.  So K and I did, last night.  We had a blast!
  • My cousin had her baby a couple of days ago, she's such a cutie pie!
  • A coworker of mine ran out of here in tears today because they are taking her husband in for an emergency MRI due to some sudden vision loss issues.  They are afraid it's a mass or something.  She lost her mom only a year and 1/2 ago.  Please keep her in your prayers if you are a praying type.
  • One of my staff members (who doesn't work on Friday's) had to rush her daughter to the emergency room today (1 month younger than bug) because she woke up covered in blood that came from her nose and mouth.  They had talked to the ped about her bruising earlier this week at her check up. I am so afraid for her, and I can't wait to get home and hug bug.  Please keep this family in your prayers as well.
  • I am in the process of hiring for two open positions, one I know who I'm going to hire, but I can't find anyone good for the second.  I'm pretty desperate.  My VP has high expectations of me, he 'knows' that I can do a great job hiring, training, and getting great analytical minds on my staff.  No pressure.
  • Christmas is coming too soon, and I'm almost done shopping.  It's a cheap Christmas this year due to the money struggles, but that makes it all the more special.
  • I'm hoping for a date night tomorrow night (with a gift card we have), K and I need it.  We've had a few fights in the last couple of weeks, I think just because of the stress.  But we handle our fights so much better than we used to.  We learned how to TALK.  It's amazing and makes me so happy.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I know I've got some posts I want to comment on, but I have to do all my commenting from my phone... for some reason none of my computers will let me do it.  So know that I'm aware of what's going on!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Mother In Law

I love my mother in law.  She's sweet and kinda kooky.  She's easy to be nice to and I happen to be her favorite.  But, I can only handle so much.  She's on her way to being a hoarder.  When my father in law passed away, she sold the house they lived in and moved into a condo.  We filled up 2 of those rental dumpsters with garbage, not to mention all the stuff we put out to the curb over weeks and weeks.  She still had a bit much stuff (going from a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath house to a 2 bedroom 2 bath condo), but it wasn't too bad.  That was about 5 years ago.  Well, over the years she has collected a ton of stuff, mainly things like guidepost magazines and crafty type things for her to do.  But she collects more than she can do, so her tables are all full of stuff.

To top it off, her mom was very senile when she passed away a few weeks ago, and you can already tell that my MIL is heading down that path.  It's sad to see, but for the most part she's OK.  It's just that you can tell sometimes that she isn't really fully there, she is starting to get confused sometimes, and she repeats the same story over and over and over again.  So not horrible yet, but not great either.

So, this weekend I had my annual girls weekend with 4 of us that have known each other since forever (one since 4th grade, one since I was 12, and one since freshman year in HS).  There are others that join us during these weekends, but these 4 of us are the main group.  Well, one of them is one of the pregnant people in my life, and she is due in February, which is typically when we do this weekend.  So we did it this past weekend and just did it back in T Town, where most of them still live.  Since we were there and only doing a Saturday thing, I invited K to come with me on Friday, and let him have Friday to himself and I watched bug (we stayed at one of my friends) and then he took care of her Saturday (and stayed at his mom's).  Well, he needed to go do some work on the house that we rent out, so he left bug with his mom.  This is OK for a short amount of time, but when I realized that it had been almost 6 hours and he still wasn't done, I started to worry.  I told the girls that I was worried, so they told me just to call her and check on them.  I did,  she said everything was going good, they were eating some dinner, blah blah blah.  After the call I chatted with my pregnant friend and she made me feel a TON better about it.  Like I told her - my biggest worry was that MIL would stop paying attention and bug would grab a stack of stuff off of her tables and it would all come tumbling down. 

So.  About 45 minutes after I talked to MIL, K called.  He had just gotten home a little before and sounded worried.  APPARENTLY, my fears happened, A FEW HOURS BEFORE.  Bug grabbed something and a large picture frame toppled down on her HEAD.  This happened BEFORE I talked to MIL, so she blatantly chose to NOT TELL ME.  I was PISSED, and crying.  I called the ped, and everything did turn out OK (there was no vomiting, she stayed awake, no dazed eyes, etc).  So, I'm venting here, then I'm done with it.  It's off my chest and I'm not going to be pissed anymore.  BUT, I told K that she will NEVER watch our little girl alone, or at her place even with someone, ever again.  He agreed, so that was good.  It's just so sad to me that I have to make that call about my baby girls grandma, you know? 

I guess when she told K about it, she tried to get him to agree to not tell me, which he wouldn't agree to.  Good for him.  I hope that we aren't overreacting to this, but it's my little girls safety.  That is more important than anything in my mind.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Not sure how to feel?

So first, I want to say Thank you for all of the amazing comments on my last blog post.  With all of the amazing support around me, I know it'll just be a matter of time before I get into this new routine and then all will be better.

So, what I am not sure how to feel about.  I heard this morning that the Duggars had a second trimester miscarriage.  Being an infertile I am torn.  On the one hand, as I've mentioned before, they have SO MANY kids, I mean really, another one?

BUT.  I'm an infertile.  My heart goes out to anyone that has, will, or are struggling with anything related.  Infertility, miscarriage, stillborn, etc.  I suddenly feel an amazing amount of grief for this family that has just PUBLICLY lost their child.  I mean, I think about how difficult it was for me to tell the few people that knew what we were going through about our constant failures, about our IVF babies that were never meant to be.  It broke my heart again and again and again, each time I had to say the words.  At the time the only people that really knew was our parents and a couple of our closest friends.  That's it. 

But to have the whole world know you were pregnant.  To get excited over the life you have growing in you.  She probably was feeling some movement.  To have your OTHER CHILDREN get SO excited over the prospect of this new little being.

Then to have it torn away.  To suddenly have your world rocked with the news that this amazing little miracle will never take a breath on this earth.  How very shattering.  I don't care how many kids you have, that is difficult, life changing, heart wrenching, and PAINFUL.

Today I am able to walk away from my slight annoyance that they can so easily have so many kids.  Today God has helped put things into perspective for me.  Because when it boils down to it, they wanted this child the same as I want a child, and they were able to conceive, and then had to say Goodbye.

Today, and for many days to come, this family is in my prayers as they go through the stages of grief.  Today I realize that even for those of us that have an easy time getting what so many of us want, even they are not exempt from the feelings of loss.

Will it change how they are viewed in my eyes forever?  Probably not.  Especially if she gets pregnant again.  But, it's all about perspective, and a good reminder to not let Infertility dictate how you feel about other people.  They do seem to be good parents after all, even if I don't feel that each of their children get enough parent child time.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


I know that we all go through this when we go back to work after having a baby, the struggles with wanting (or needing) to work, but wanting to be home with your new baby.

Well, all of the sudden I'm dealing with it again.  Over a year after going back to work.  I know what the problem is, I'm struggling with the desire for my career, and the desire to not be the missing parent.  See, as I mentioned in a prior post, my drive time is now about 40 minutes, up from quite a bit less.  After work it's more like 45 minutes, and some nights - like last night, it's closer to an hour.  I can't seem to reconcile my two worlds for some reason.  I leave my house by 6:40 and do not get home until sometime between 5:45 and 6:15.  We start the bedtime routine at 6:45 for buggie, she's down sometime between 7:20 and 8:00.  I get NO time with her during the week.  Then I find myself falling into bed by 9:00 because I'm so tired.  So I get no adult time with K.

I feel bad because K is staying home with her right now, and while he's loving it, neither one of us are cut out to be a stay at home parent.  So I know he's getting antsy, I know he wants to be out flying.  Then I feel guilty because I'm gone All. Day. Long.  I feel guilty because I don't get enough time with bug, with K, I feel guilty because I know he's home and wants to be working.  I feel guilty because I could use to give some extra attention to work but I want to get at least my little bit of time in the evenings with bug.

It doesn't help that we overdrew our bank account.  Badly.  It's just going to be a rough couple of months, K doesn't have his unemployment yet, we had to pay 2 rent, 1 security deposit and 1 mortgage payment (and will next month too except for the security deposit), on top of all of our other bills.  Plus the house back in T Town seems to be falling apart, we've had to fix the leaky roof but the contractor can't seem to put his finger on what the exact issue is ($1500 there and so far still having problems), plus the plug for the sump pump randomly stopped working and the basement flooded, so now we have to fix that. 

I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now, to say the least.  It doesn't help that I want another baby, and want to get an appointment set up with the RE. 

Ugh.  Thanks for listening.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Where has the time gone?

I'm feeling like the last 2 weeks have passed in the simple blink of an eye.  I didn't get to focus as much on ICLW as I wanted, but I definitely got out there and found some new blogs. 

So, I started my new job on Tuesday.  My commute has gone from about 15 minutes to 40 minutes, and that's as long as I leave by 6:40.  If I wait until 7:00 it's more like an hour.  This job is great, I love it already, but it is insanely fast paced.  And the meetings??  OMG.  Put it this way... yesterday I got called into an impromptu 8:00am meeting, then I had meetings scheduled for 9:00, 10:00, 11:00, 1:30, 2:00 and 3:00.  Um, yeah.  Getting work done?  I'm not so sure that happens so much.  And crazily, this is a pretty typical schedule as I peek at my calendar over the next couple of weeks. And this is near the Holidays!!  How bad will it be after that?  I don't even want to think about it.

We found a new ped for buggie, and a new daycare although she hasn't started yet.  K was going to keep her home until the first of the year, but I'm thinking he needs to put her in 1 or 2 days a week.  He's just not used to dealing All. Day. Long. with a demanding baby.  He can't spend any time trying to find a new job, our house still needs about 1/2 unpacked, you get the point. 

Next step?  To find a new RE.  That's on the goal list in the next week or so, that way we can get an initial consult scheduled hopefully soon after the first of the year.  I just don't want to wait.  I feel like baby fever is coming on pretty strong.  I'm still handling it well, but it still sucks every month when AF rears her head. 

My new boss, W, made me feel really good yesterday.  Some quick background - the department that I took over has had some serious turn over lately, moral is low, the staff feels neglected and unsure with all of the crazy changes that are taking place in the way my department does business.  So, one of my first things is to hire in two new reps.  My VP is the same VP that I've had (he was originally my director) for the last 5 years.  We get along great.  OK, so I was chatting with W about the resumes that we received and moving forward with my interviews.  We are very worried about losing another rep, and she's the best we have so we really need to keep her.  The VP was telling W that he didn't care if she left, because he knows that I will pull together a great team, and train them well, and we'll have a team that can do what the market now dictates.  We laughed because really, I'm going to train them all?  Um, some of that will be delegated to my other staff members, which is one good reason why I don't want to lose my great rep.  So it made me fell really good, my VP has a lot of hope in me, but that's really a lot of pressure.  I'm not in the most high profile territory for my company, so there's a lot riding on me making things happen.

I love the pressure.  That, however, doesn't make it easy :-)