Sunday, July 31, 2011

My 7 links

My 7 Links

Hi guys! So my friend Joanna at Come Back Daddy invited me to participate in the 7 Links challenge.

To unite bloggers (from all sectors) in a joint endeavor to share lessons learned and create a bank of long but not forgotten blog posts that deserve to see the light of day again.


1) Blogger is nominated to take part

2) Blogger publishes his/her 7 links on his/her blog – 1 link for each category.

3) Blogger nominates up to 5 more bloggers to take part.

4) These bloggers publish their 7 links and nominate another 5 more bloggers

5) And so it goes on!

6) We’ll be sharing the best posts from participating bloggers on our blog and everyday on Facebook and Twitter at #My7Links

Most Beautiful
It's an older one, but happy new year is probably the one that stands out as my most beautiful post.  Just reading it again reminds me to smile, even in these stressful times.  It's all about the love that I carry around for my family, and how I never thought that I could love so much.

Most Popular
My most popular post is 9 years ago today, about the day that K and I got married.  Even when I read it a now it fills me with love.  I'm going to also mention my second most popular post, which is pooing in peace.  I love this post because it is short and sweet, but oh so telling about the life of a part time single mama, as well as the hilariousness that is my husband.  I think a LOT of people can relate to this one!
Most Controversial
This is a tough one.  I could go so many ways on this one, and I immediately think of a handful of posts.  Not one of them have caused any comments about the topic that make me say they are controversial, more they are because of the topic itself.  I think I'll go in this direction, and point out a couple of posts that fall here.  They are eats on feetseats on feets 2 and eats on feets and other stuff.  These are all about milk sharing.  Again, I don't think that any of my readers have expressed that they feel this is wrong, but I know what the school of thought is out in the general public.  I like to remind people about the good that can come from it, so that is why I'm choosing this subject/these posts.
Most Helpful
Hm.  I'm not sure where to go here.  I don't really think that I 'teach' on my blog, it's more just ramblings, LOL.  I think I'm going to stay on a topic from the controversial aspect, and say big thank you.  I guess this means that the same posts from before could all go here.  Someone learned more about milk sharing through my blog and passed the word along.  I think this is so great.
Suprise Success
I think I'll have to go with teeth? teeth! It stemmed from an earlier post (oh life of pilots wife and ttc) where I mentioned Bugs crazy third tooth that came in on the bottom.... instead of a top one.  People wanted to see those pearly whites!  But when I think about it, I love to see kiddo's pearly whites myself... it's just so darn cute!!
Not Enough Attention
I was actually surprised that infertility in general didn't get more attention.  Maybe it was just because I didn't have a lot of IF followers at the time (not that I have a ton of followers in general!) or if they all just understood too well what I felt/meant by this post.

Most Proud
I am most proud of infertility ivf final chapter.  It was a difficult post to write and put out there.  It was putting out there something that I hadn't spelled out since it had happened, over 2 years prior.  It was heart wrenching, and soul cleansing all in the same. 

I nominate:
Becky over at
Shan at
Liz at
Jes over at
Jonette at

Friday, July 29, 2011


So, it's about to happen.  K is going to be out of a job. 

He works for a cargo airline, and has his whole adult life, ever since he got out of school and got his A&P license.  The two companies that he has worked for in that time frame both flew for BAX global, or Burlington Air Express, or Deutsch Bond... however you may be familiar with them.  (you may remember Burlington from many years ago, getting in trouble for running tests on their train drivers before being hired to make sure that they were not predisposed to things like carpal tunnel... then refusing to hire them if they were).

So, back in 2001 the first carrier he worked for lost their contract with BAX global, and went into bankruptcy.  They left T town and eventually went under completely (I believe).  So, the contract that they lost went to the carrier that he works for now.  First he worked in their Stores room (parts man basically) because it was all right after September 11 and NO ONE was hiring mechanics.  He did that for about a year and became a mechanic again.  Then he became a pilot for them just in 2010. 

BAX got bought out by Deutsch Bond a couple of years ago because they weren't doing real well.

Over the weekend we found out that as of September 1, 2011, BAX is closing their doors.  All of the mechanics that work for the company are done on that day.

We were hoping that he would maybe have a job through the end of the year, as they have found some work for most of the fleet of airplanes.

BUT.  K is low man on the totem pole.  They do seniority based on age+years of service.  K has been with the company almost 10 years (10 years in December), but he is only 32.  So that makes him 42 for seniority.  All the other pilots are in their upper 40's and older.  So, low man.

Which means he's the first to go.

A good friend of his, which also happens to be president of the union, called him last night.  He felt horrible because two of his best friends (K being one of them) are about to be out of jobs.  He basically said that K will probably fly in August, but that will be it.  No severance, just no job. 

So, we are cancelling our vacation for next month.  We are looking at where we can pare things down to save some money.  We are going to figure out how long we can continue to pay for daycare before we have to pull her out.  We want to give enough time so that K can get his CFI (certified flight instructor) as he doesn't really have enough hours as a pilot yet to get a job with a big carrier.  Then give him a little time to try to find a job, before we pull her.

Oh yeah, and that money we have been saving up for IVF?  That's going to go to paying bills now.  (Katery - I know you asked about going straight to IVF in the past... yes, we have to.  K's last SA had only about 600,000 swimmers, with only about 30% motility and like 5% morphology.  So it's a waste of money to do IUI, unless we use donor sperm).

I'm really really bummed about this all.  I mean, I'm not real worried about him being out of a job, it will be nice to have him home more.  I know with him home we can be real good about removing some wasteful spending from both of us. 

But I don't really want to put off fertility treatments.  We can't decide if we cancel the appointments, reschedule, or keep them.  He is thinking that he wants to work any OT if they actually offer it to him in August, to try to help out with money. 

I just don't know what to do.  I'm honestly a little heartbroken over the whole thing.

The positive?  I don't have to worry about weaning Bug if we postpone treatments some.  That's the silver lining if ever there was one!

Well, back to work.  I'll have to stress about it more later :-)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Happy Birthday Holden

Some of you may remember my friend, H, that lost her son at 1 month, 1 day old. Today, I dedicate to him.

Baby Holden,

Today would have been your 1st birthday. I sent a message to your mommy and daddy today and wished you a happy birthday. I know that you are in heaven watching over them, please send some sunshine their way. I know that today must be difficult for them, even with the excitement of your little sister. Please tell her to let them know how well you are doing, tell her to let them know about how much laughter you share with family, friends, and Jesus up in heaven. Tell her to let them know how comfy those white fluffy clouds are, everyday that you lay down on your tummy and watch them from above.

Send her to them with lots of hugs and kisses, smiles and laughs. Let her fill them up, if even just a little.

Continue to watch over all three of them, and however many more sisters and brothers they decide to give you. Someday, many many years from now, you will hear their voice as they come running across those clouds to give you a hug. They will be old and grey, but their love for you will be just as strong.

Smile on us today, Holden, as we reminisce about the joy that you brought into every one's lives one year ago. Smile on us as we shed tears remembering your short life, and remind us to remember the time that you blessed us with your presence.

With big hugs and much love,

Monday, July 25, 2011

Happy Birthday Bug!!

One Year. It's hard to believe that after 4 very long, childless years of trying to conceive, of feeling like we were failures, of hurting and pain, excitement and hope, we not only got our take home baby, but she is turning one today.

Continuation from yesterday... They didn't really check me from sometime in the evening on 7/24 until sometime early on 7/25. They knew that I was dilated to 10 before midnight, but the nurse didn't want to check, because she said if she did and told the doc that I was complete she would want to come in and have me push. The problem was that Bug's heart rate kept decelerating. The nurse was hoping the oxygen would help, and I was changing positions what seemed like every minute or so.

Sometime after midnight the nurse checked me and I was complete (as we knew I had been for a bit) and bug was at +2 station. She decided to try some practice pushes to see how we would both handle it. Bug's heart did not take to it well at all! Everyone got a little worried at this point. The nurse said we would labor down for a while longer and see if we could get Bug further down in the birth canal.

Around 2am the doc mentioned possibility of a C section, I said no way unless medically needed. Don't get me wrong, I considered it for a split second. I was so tired, beyond exhausted, and had no idea how much longer I could take this this could take. But, it's not what I wanted. I always wanted, more than anything, to be able to deliver this baby vaginally.

My nurse said she felt that there were still other options. Doc was OK with that and I had the whole floor of nurses coming up with ideas on how to help labor down without Bug's heart taking a hit. By this time the epi had worn off and I was struggling with the contractions. I never felt the urge to push per se, but the pressure was so great that I didn't think I'd ever be able to push Bug out. I didn't even realize at the time that this was transition. For all I know I'd been there for a while, but it seemed so sudden as the epi wore off. It was so tough, and at one point in time I was almost in tears, and didn't think I could do it. Then K really forced me to focus on him and what he was saying, which was when I was able to get above it and no longer focus on the pain. K was using, of all things, surfing analagies to help me put myself above the pain. (no, we are not surfers) He was a GREAT coach and I couldn't have made it through this part without him. Both him and the nurse would stroke my arms or back and help to calm me. They kept a cool wash cloth on my forehead to help the overwhelming heat and shaking. She said this was all normal, it was just my body doing what it was supposed to.

I don't know why I never asked for a redose on my epi, I think by the time I realized what was going on, I was just trying to get through it. But, after quite a while of this the nurse offered to call Anesth and have me redosed. Initially I turned her down, I figured if I could make it this far I might as well keep going. Then, a few more contractions in, I took her up on the offer as I was struggling so hard with the contractions and had been in labor so long (24+ hours at this point). My nerves were shot and I was exhausted. This time my left leg ended up completely numb for a while, but it didn't matter to me - the intense pressure was no longer as painful.

Eventually they wanted to try pushing again as Bug was so low we really needed to get her out. The nurse had put me where my head is lower than my feet to labor down, (I can't remember what this is called) and had me do a test push that way. Bug handled it like a champ! So of course I didn't have gravity on my side ha ha. Hey, I never did like making things easy!

We pushed for just a little bit this way, and the nurse said she could start to see the head, and there was a LOT of long dark hair. We had not found out what we were having, but at this point I looked at K and said 'It's a girl!' He disagreed, thinking it would be a boy (as we had both thought all along). Then suddenly the nurse stopped me mid push and told me that we were done pushing, that I was going to have this baby the old fashioned way and she had to go call the doc. We hadn't been pushing for too long so that was great.

The doc is called and rushes in. Everything seems surreal in those last minutes of being a Mama with no baby to hold. Lights are turned on, nurses and the doc are getting ready. I watch everyone, and feel almost like I'm looking down on myself as they put me up to a normal position and get my legs ready. I can hear the nurse reminding K what to do. He takes over and is holding one leg and my head when I pop up to push. For each contraction I have to take the oxygen mask off before I tuck my head in to push. I can hear someone counting to 10, I'm not sure who it is. I hear someone else urging me to push, telling me that I'm doing good, that we're close. I don't know who this is either. (my mom and C were not in the room)

After each push, I have to put the oxygen mask back on. If I forget the nurse is quick to remind me. Towards the end, in between pushes, I feel God there with me, and a peace that comes from deep within. In this minute, I know that everything is going to be OK. Then everything comes rushing back as we start to push again with every contraction. I hear everyone helping me through it, the counting, the positive words. I hear the doc tell me that she's going to use a vacuum, that my pelvis and the baby's head are swollen, and she wants to get the baby out. I only pushed for maybe a total of 15 - 20 mins, so really just a handful of pushes.

I don't remember feeling the 'burning ring' as I've heard it referred to. Maybe I did and I just have forgotten. I do have a vague recollection of knowing that I'm close, feeling my body opening up in a way that is foreign, but that is it. All of a sudden the pain that I can feel is almost completely gone. The epi is already wearing off again, and I hear the doc tell me that the head is out. I breath deeply, trying to catch the scent of my newborn. I hear them suctioning her mouth and nose out, then they tell me one last small push to get the body out.

I give them what they ask for, as I feel the exhaustion trying to overtake me, knowing that it's done. I've done it. Then I hear the sweet, sweet cry of our little one, and hear the doctor declare 'It's a Girl!' and the tears come, and my heart melts. Immediately they lay her on me, still covered in everything, and they let K cut the cord. He had said he wouldn't do it, but did it anyways. He said he had to, it was his new baby and he had just witnessed the amazing miracle of her birth. I feel myself cuddling with her, running my hands down her head and body, I look down into those perfect blue eyes as she stares up at me with wonderment. I feel the love swell up inside of me, and the happiness that the birth was so perfect for me. It was like time stood still for that moment, letting me meet my sweet daughter, letting me know that everything I'd been through in the past, it all led up to this. It was everything I ever imagined and more. It was the culmination of the pain, that ended in a feeling that it was all worth it in the end.

When they took her to check her out I couldn't help but keep staring at her. With the birth being so hard on her, she was running a fever, so they had to take care of that. That took about 45 mins, which gave the doc time to deliver the placenta, stitch me up and clean me up. I could feel her stitching me, could feel the needle, but it was OK, I was busy staring over at my baby girl.

They said that the umbilical cord was really long but not wrapped around any part of her, so they thought after my water broke that she kept laying on it and that was why the heart decels. Then when they weighed her they all joked that they couldn't believe how big she was for how little I am (I was 5 foot 106 lbs when I got pg, and was ALL baby). She was 7 pounds, 2.4 ounces, 20 1/4 inches long. My sweet little Bug was born at 4:23am on Sunday, 7/25/10. When they gave her back to me and let me do skin to skin I was in heaven.

Because there always has to be a laugh... K didn't hear them say it was a girl, and as we both thought we were going to have a boy, he thought she was a boy! While they were trying to get her fever down, he made some comment about his boy, and we all laughed as I told him that we had a little girl. He thought I was joking, he didn't believe me, so the nurses moved to let him see her. 'He's missing a penis' he said, we all laughed. He's wrapped around her finger now, and wouldn't have wanted a boy instead of her!

They told me I was smiling through all of labor - and there are pics to prove it (see yesterdays post for one)! They said I was happy, even when I was in pain. The nurse said I was the best patient she'd ever had, and even asked if I wanted to come back the next weekend, for her next shift, and do it all again LOL. I laughed and said thanks but no thanks. She was the best nurse ever - I couldn't have asked for a better nurse. She also told me that if I ever decided to do a drug free labor, that I could definitely make it.

Maybe an hour and 1/2 - 2 hours after she was born, I told the nurse that I had to go to the bathroom. She was surprised that I could feel it already. So she checked my feet, which I could feel everything and move, and then went and got another nurse. They helped me to the bathroom, and gave me the rundown on what to do to take care of myself. Then I peed. and peed. and peed. Apparently, they were right, Bug was blocking my bladder. They have you pee in a container and I filled it up, then had to scoot back and kept going. I think I would have filled it up at least three times. Wow. I know, TMI LOL.

Later that day, or maybe the next? I don't remember... they told me that she was jaundiced and she needed to go under the lights.

So she spent 36 hours in NICU. It was really tough because they had to supplement my Breastmilk with formula. We struggled with BFing due to her lethargy from the jaundice. We struggled with some latching problems as well. But as the days went on it all got better.

She's so very precious, I didn't know I could hold so much love in my heart for one very tiny and sometimes frusturating person!!

Every day I thank God for allowing me this miracle baby. The struggle with Infertility for so many years made me believe it would never happen. But it did, and I have faith that it will again. I can only hope that the second time around is as perfect an experience as the first. That day was like the storm clouds parting after everything we had weathered. All I have to do is look in her sweet face, hear her sweet voice, and I melt all over again. I would die for her. She speaks to my heart everyday just by being there, and being her.

Bug, this last year has been, by far, the happiest of my life. Without you I would be a mere shadow of the person you have helped make me become. Everyday I gain more patience and acceptance at the life that the Lord has carved out for me, because of you.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Labor Pains

One year ago, on Saturday morning, 7/24/10, at 12:30am, 3 days past my due date, I woke up in labor. I'd been having contractions for weeks but it was just the tightening, and no pain. They would take my breath away sometimes, and my stomach would get tight, but they didn't hurt. Well, now I was starting to feel some pain. I knew it was early labor, because the pain was mild. I timed them off and on and they ranged from about 4 mins apart to 20 mins apart. So I tried to sleep through them. Unfortunately, K was back in T Town working his weekend duty, but my mom was staying with me. Called K at 4:00 am. The contractions were getting closer and stronger, but still not too bad. He didn't answer (phone was charging in his car) but he called back within 20 minutes. He was freaked out, after all, I was past due and calling him in the wee hours of the morning! I let him know all was OK, but that he needed to work on finding someone to work the rest of his weekend, and to head home. It's about a 3 1/2 hour drive. He was nervous he wouldn't make it, but I kept assuring him that he would be OK, that we had a while to go.

We got off the phone and I slept off and on for a few more hours. Got up and let my mom know what was going on. The contractions were closer, and stronger, but I was still doing pretty OK. We had breakfast around 8:00 am , I knew it could be my last meal for a while, and it was. I texted my best friend, C, and let her know I was in labor. I told my mom C would call me within 5 minutes, and I think it only took 2. She had told me the day before that it would be really great for her if I could just go ahead and have 'our' baby on Saturday LOL. (her sister was having a repeat C section that Monday, and C really wanted to make it out for me and then back for her sister). She was worried about making it, but I assured her it would be a bit, but to get ready and head on out!

Then I tried to get more sleep as I knew I'd need it. Got back up around 10ish, and the contractions were definitely getting more consistent and more painful. We timed them for an hour around 11:00 am, and they were anywhere between 3.5 and 4.5 mins apart and lasting 60+ seconds. I called K (for what seemed like the hundredth time) to see where he was. He had found someone to cover for him and was on his way, but had just left a little before. He was really freaked out that he wasn't going to make it. I kept assuring him he would. I don't know how I knew it wouldn't be a quick labor, but for some reason I just did.

So I called the doc around 12:15ish, unfortunately my doc was not the on call doc. My mom still laughs at me for how I started that conversation, the 'I think I might be in labor' conversation, even though it was pretty obvious that I was. The doc asked the basic questions about the contractions - time between, length of, etc etc. Her last question to me was if they were getting hard to breath through, well, heck yes they were! During each contraction I would get up and pace around the room with clenched fists and not talking, trying to breath. So the doc says to me 'honey, yep, you sound like you're in labor, it's time to head to L&D!' My mom laughed when I hung up 'you THINK you're in labor?' Well, hey, I'd never been in labor before, what can I say!

Called K and let him know that I wasn't going to wait for him to go to the hospital. He understood that and just asked if he would make it - I assured him that he would! He said he'll rush. So, I finish packing my bag (yes, I was overdue and it wasn't all the way packed. I only had so many clothes that fit since I got so big!) and we left, with mom driving.

It seemed to take FOREVER to get to the hospital. While on the way, between breathing through the contractions, it really hit me. This is it. The big day. I'm going to the hospital and will come home with my long awaited, much anticipated, baby. I was almost in tears just thinking about it. I was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings that to this day, I cannot describe. I just know that I felt a peace, a calm before the storm. I closed my eyes and remember picturing a little baby in my arms. Wrapped up in a blanket, and staring sleepily up at me. I filled with a longing to move this labor along!!

So, we get to the hospital and head to L&D triage. We get all ready and the nurse checks me. I remember her asking 'how dilated/effaced were you at your last docs appt?' I tell her (it was 1 1/2 cm and about 95% effaced) She proceeds to let me know that I'm still only 1 1/2 cm dilated, but 100% effaced. WHAT?! you have GOT to be kidding me! Still only 1 1/2 cm dilated?! Mind you, this is after having my membranes stripped 4 times, walking, sex, spicy foods, squats. NOTHING helped!

She sent me to walk the halls for 45 minutes to an hour, to see if it would help.

It doesn't.

By this time I had been contracting for about 14 hours, with a building pain level, the last 6 or so hours had been pretty bad, the last few hours really really bad. On the monitors they could see how close and long the contractions were (as they were closer and longer than when we had timed them, just about on top of each other and off the charts ). So they got some more of my history and found that I had cryotherapy about 9 years ago for pre cancerous cells. Apparently that caused a lot of scar tissue build up which was slowing down my dilation. So they went ahead and admitted me. While I was waiting for my room, K got there. Thank God, because by this time I really needed him by my side. I was a little scared, and in a lot of pain. They let me know that because of the scar tissue it would probably take me a while to dilate to about 5 or 6, but around 5 or 6 the scar tissue should break apart and I should go pretty good from there, at least a CM an hour. They got me up into a room and said that they were going to start a low dose of pitocen to try to help me out.

In triage the nurse had tried to get my IV in unsuccessfully three times . So the nurse in the ward got it in on the first try! They got my saline and antibiotic started (I was GBS positive). The nurse said she'd go ahead and call Anesth and get me my epi, I was in SO much pain. I think they were willing to give it to me so early (at only the 1.5 dilated) due to the scar tissue and the fact that the contractions were on top of each other, I wasn't getting much of a break in between. It took the CRNA a while to get it in and it was pretty painful. He kept ending up to the right of my spine for some reason. He ended up having to numb me twice. At one point I felt an electrical shock type feeling down my back and was pretty nervous, but the CRNA said not to worry. I told him I still felt him on the right, and he didn't think he was there. But he pulled it out and tried again, and finally got it in the right place! Yeah! I started feeling better very quickly. It worked better on the left, but still worked on the right, it just took longer and didn't work quite as well. The nurse thought it was perfect too, because I could still move my legs myself, I could flip myself and everything, but couldn't feel the pain.

Sometime during all of this C gets there, and she is BEYOND excited.

Then they started the pitocin to see if it would help break up the scar tissue. It didn't. The on call doc makes it in to check on me, and we LOVE her. LOVE LOVE LOVE her. My new nurse gets there, and we LOVE LOVE LOVE her too.

I was feeling pretty good at this point. I was talking and laughing and smiling with my mom, K and C. But I still wasn't dilating! I had been in labor for quite some time at this point, so around 6 or 7 Saturday evening the doc checked and I was STILL only 1 1/2 cm dilated!! She went in and simply worked the scar tissue to see if she could break it up. She did very easily, and I immediately dilated to a 4, then immediately to a 5. Woo Hoo! At this point she also put in Internal Monitoring as LO's heart was acting wonky. They said to start expecting about a CM per hour, so at that point we knew it was possible to still have the baby that day. The doc then broke my water. Thankfully it was clear - so no Meconium!! Looking back I'm glad I couldn't feel what she was doing, because I have to imagine it hurt.

I was getting really excited now, thinking that our baby would be here any time now!

Those thoughts were quickly gone as I simply labored through the rest of the evening. At some point in time they put me on oxygen, but I don't remember when, due to our sweetie's wonky heart rate. It might have been before or after the doc breaking my water, it's a blur.

As I had gotten an epi, they did a few cathetar drains (TMI, I know). The nurse said after a couple that she wasn't getting much. I, of course, couldn't tell one way or another. By the end of the day, and the last bladder drain of the day, she was thinking that the baby was blocking the bladder and therefore not allowing it to drain properly. Could be.

To be continued...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Teeth? Teeth!

As I've mentioned, I've been trying to get the teeth shots. I thought you might first enjoy the attempts :-) Here goes!!

Here they are - it's hard to see the third one as it's just barely through the gums, but it's on the left side of her current teeth:

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Which daughter are you anyway?

So, I've always considered B a daughter. I mean, I know she's a dog, but she was our first baby girl. She ticks me off sometimes but I love her so much. So, part of what we trained her on long ago was how to take treats. She has to sit and can't take the treat being held out to her until the person giving her a treat says the magic word - come.

So, bug and I were at the grocery store the other day. We were at the deli counter getting some lunch meat. I love my kroger because they always make sure they are slicing it like you want, and then give you a piece. Bug loves it too, as she always gets this freebie. So, I get the piece of meat and hold it out to her, then turn back to the counter. After a few seconds my distracted mind realizes I'm still holding it so I look back to bug. She is going back and forth between looking at me and the meat. So what do I do? I look back at the counter at the same time I'm saying 'come.'


Was I just sitting there picturing my 80 pound boxer sitting in the baby seat on the cart? On her haunches, panting and begging for the treat?

Now I'm not easily embarrassed, but I felt somewhat mortified.

So I'm telling K this story the other day while giving bug a bath (yep, he rented a car and drove home for like 29 hours!) And I start to tell it and find myself laughing. Deep breath, start again, laugh harder. By the fifth try I'm laughing hysterically, with tears rolling down my cheeks and still haven't managed to spit the story out. K is washing bug and looking at me with this quizzical look. I finally manage to tell it and am met with only the sound of bug in the tub. He's not laughing or anything. All I could say was 'i guess you just had to be there.'

Oh boy.

So I had a crazy dream last night in the 2 whole hours of sleep I got (all me, not bug) was about having another baby. I was in labor at the hospital but in a big room of people on my street clothes. Only K is there and I suddenly scream out that my baby is crowning and the baby slid right out. Apparently my psycho mind decided the baby was part alien because the umbilical cord was coming out of the, ok. The baby was 8 pounds 5 ounces. At this point in the dream I am screaming for someone to save the baby. Then someone cuts the cord and the baby starts to cry... at which time I wake up to realize it is bug crying. I nurse her, go back to sleep and have almost the exact. Same. Dream. The only difference is that I'm in a hospital gown and a nurse cuts the cord. So weird.

So, want to say that im working on getting some pictures of teeth. Bug has had other ideas. She has been very uninterested in showing the blogosphere her adorable little teeth. I'll get them yet though, don't you worry!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Oh the life of a pilots wife.... and TTC

So, we have a crazy month ahead of us. K is supposed to be released tomorrow, after being gone for 17 days. We're excited, to say the least.


Because there is always a Then with a pilot. He calls today to verify his rental car for tomorrow, and they tell him that they can't get it yet. Because, they haven't filled an overtime spot that they posted yesterday, and K is low man on the totem pole. Hello Junior Assigned - again - for the 8th month in a row. Junior Assigned basically means he just gets the crap that no one else wants, and is forced into it, which means more time away from home. They can keep him up to 20 days a month before the union contract stipulates that they have to send him home if he asks. Needless to say, if he's not done by Tuesday, he's going to ask.


Well, crap. We moved less than a month ago, and he left almost right after the move. So it's just been Bug and Me. I'll bet you can guess how much of my house still needs unpacked? Yep, lots. Not that it's a HUGE deal, we're getting by, and I try to get at least a little done every day.


Let me tell you about my week coming up. I work everyday, until at least 5 - like normal. Then Monday and Tuesday evenings after work we are meeting up with potential babysitters (since we have no one else here to watch Bug, it's about time I have someone when needed!) Wednesday afternoon for work we are going to a ball game (I know, tough day), but who knows when I'll make it home from that. Thursday evening we have a work function that includes a ball game (lol). Hence, the need for the babysitter. Then Friday, Nana (my mom) and one of K's friends are coming into town. Saturday my best friend C and her daughter are coming, as well as another friend A as well as K's mom and sister. Almost all of them are staying with us.

Yep, house NEEDS to be unpacked. At least mostly. One of the extra beds isn't even put together yet!!!

Sunday, we have Bug's baptism and a gathering for her birthday.

Monday Monday Monday - my little girl will turn 1!! I took the day off, and some of those out of towners coming in will be staying over too. I'm so excited! So much fun!!

So, why the TTC part? Well, we all know when K's job can keep him up to 20 days a month, it's gonna be a bit tough to make another baby through treatments. I'm not stressing about it yet, but I did have to change one of the appointments for next month from the 16th to the 17th because his travel is on the 16th. I told him he had to really kiss scheduling butt to make sure that he IS HOME for the appointments.

I left a message on Tuesday morning for the third office, and it was a double message. One to try to get them in my network as they are not, and two to set up a consult. Guess what? They haven't called me back. K and I agreed that if they can't call back for this, then how would we trust them with the important calls? So, we're just not going to see them unless we absolutely do NOT like one of the other offices/docs. It sucks because it's the office that came recommended to me. My friend loved the doc, but we all know that means nothing when it comes to the office staff. I refuse to have a crappy office staff at my fertility clinic. There are way too many emotions involved, way to much money being spent, and too much stress as it is - I'm not about to add a stressor of crappy office staff into the mix.  So, we'll do these first two visits and go from there!

I've spent a little time over the last few days putting together the gist of our IF history. Not just the basics (like when and what) but the details as much as I could find... what meds, the dosages, how long, dates... number of follicles, level of hormones, etc. I'm amazed at the amount of info that I still had! Not that they won't still need to get the records, but I'm pretty impressed with myself! I'm hoping this will help the consult go smooth!

OH - I almost forgot! Bug's been cranky lately (remember my inconsolable post?!) and a third tooth finally broke through last night! It's barely broken through, so sleep last night was still crappy, but I'm hoping that it'll be better now - even if only for a little while! She is so taking after me and being different already... First tooth was lower left, second was lower right. So, one would think that her third would be an upper, right? Nope, not my girl. She's got another on the lower left. Yep, three teeth - all on the bottom!!

Here's to being happy it's Friday!!


Monday, July 11, 2011

Strange Dream

First, thanks for the positive comments on my last post! I'm very excited, and K and I keep talking about it, and the excitement keeps building!

So, strange dream. Last night. It was way out there. Some background for context (I think I may have mentioned before what I do, but don't have time to go back and see, so sorry if I'm repeating myself). I'm a manager for a contracting department, so my staff goes out and negotiates contracts.

I used to work for my company in OH, then they moved me to IN and promoted me. We built our product and name here from scratch, and are still working on it.

OK, the dream. I was at a big meeting with a bunch of people, including big wigs, from my company. My prior manager (whom I did not, and do not, have a lot of love for) was doing a presentation, and in the middle of it suddenly called me up to talk to her about what else to present. I kept giving her idea's that were numbers based - savings that we were able to achieve in IN, etc. She kept turning them down, so I finally gave up and walked out of the room for a minute. I came back in and found that instead of telling the info I had suggested, she told a story, and showed a video, of me having a roof collapse from under me and falling through.

Really? What was I even doing on a roof? When and where was this? And a video? Then she presented it as if it was the most important thing over our savings numbers to the big wigs?


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I did it

I got up the nerve and took the plunge. I made two consult appointments with RE's. August 16 and 17. I have one more to schedule, that I've heard good things about too, so will try to get that one scheduled soon.

We are nervous and excited. Even as I've struggled at times with being home without K, I know we can do it. We talked about it this last time he was home, and we are both feeling nervous but excited. We recognize the difficulties that we'll face with 2 (or more) and him gone a lot. We agreed that there is some concern, even a little fear, with both of us over the potential for multiples, but that will possibly just affect our decision on the number of embies we put back.

We have been discussing that he may try to look for a new job after his contract is up, something that will keep him home more. I hope that happens, but as of today, I'm ready to move forward and be a part time single parent of more than just my buggie.

If I can say this in the heat of her crazy, inconsolable teething, then I know it's right.

When I dialed the phone for the first one, I was shaking. I knew the leap we were taking by just making this call. I actually talked to a live person RIGHT AWAY. No phone tree, no picking options, nothing. It caught me off guard. She was SO nice, and said that after we talked to the doc they would request the records that he wants from our last RE back home. This is good, as the last RE charges a TON for me to get our med records. As she pointed out - things like K's SA they will re-do anyways if it's over a year old. Yes, it means that the initial visit will be without this information, but I remember lots, and have a lot still written down. I'll take it in that way for now.

After setting up the appointment, my heart started doing pitter patters. It was like it was preparing itself for this journey, but in a good way.

I can't believe that in just over a month we will be looking at heading down this path for baby number 2!

Secondary infertility, you will not win. We will overcome you, we will rise above, and even if we have failures along the way, we will be stronger than we were before. I have Primary infertility to thank for that. Once I got over your grief, and the curve balls you threw at me, I learned to stand taller, and take whatever comes my way.

After all, I do happen to love lemonade. Bring on the lemons!!!

Monday, July 4, 2011


Bug is. And has been all. Weekend. Long. I think she's teething again, but even when I'm holding her she's screaming her poor little head off. I don't know how to make her feel better, and am really struggling right now with the fact that this is one of those times that I cant make her feel better. Sometimes I can get her to relax on my chest, like now, but it takes a while and doesn't last long. My poor buggie. Needless to say, I'm very tired, and am saddened by the thought that I'm looking forward to work tomorrow for a reprieve. K isn't home until the 15 or so. Then I feel bad for complaining, there are so many people who would give the world to have this problem. I know, I was one of them.

Sorry for typos, I'm posting from my cell.