Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone had a great day today!  We had a wonderful day.  Bug was in a good mood, had a blast opening and then playing with her presents (and ours LOL) and then even took a decent nap.  We had dinner at my parents (no way was I cooking today!).  It was just a really good day.  Plus, it's Christ's birthday!  Happy Birthday Jesus!

I'm sorry I haven't been posting OR commenting much.  I've been reading those blogs that I follow, but haven't had much energy to do much else.  I'm now 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant, and to be honest I'm half surprised that I'm still pregnant.  Only half; I always have suspected that the baby will come between Christmas and New Years, so we'll see if I'm right!!

We have a blizzard warning starting tomorrow morning and going through Thursday night.  So I'm guessing if Murphy really wants a laugh lately he'll decide that this baby is going to come in the next 2 days :-)

At my last appointment (a week ago today), I was 3 cm dilated and the baby was already very low.  I knew that much as it feels like he/she is trying to claw through my bladder.  The last few days I haven't really felt like myself, and I've been doing some nesting (which I didn't do with Bug), so I can't help but wonder.  But the good news is that we cooked and froze lots of stuff, and I have time off now until next Wednesday, unless baby decides to come.

Bug was sick a couple of weeks ago, then K got it, and now I have it.  Ugh, just what I wanted this far along in my pregnancy, an awesome head cold.  Ah well, I guess it could be worse (flu anyone?)

That's really all I got.  More of a quick catch up post, but it's all I have in me right now.  Next docs appt is tomorrow afternoon, so we'll see how everything is going!

Be safe and stay warm!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I'm how many weeks?

35 weeks.  Yep, that's how far along I am.


That's what I said when the doctor reminded me at my appointment last week that next appointment is my strep test, and the start of my weekly appointments.

I honestly have NO idea where this pregnancy has gone.  I think back to March, when we were just getting started, and April, when we officially got pregnant, and it just amazes me that it's been 8 1/2 months.  I feel it, every day, in my bones, muscles and joints, but I still don't know how time has flown by so fast.

My tummy feels huge (I know, I need to try to post a picture).  People keep thinking I'm due, like, NOW, and I have to inwardly laugh when I tell them I have 5 more weeks.  No one thinks I'll make it that far.  I'm honestly not so sure myself.  We'll see, this little one will come when he/she is good and ready.

We still have SO much to do.  We don't have a short list of names, still need to find all the newborn clothes in storage, need to get the bassinet ready and into our room, need to clean out the closet in the nursery, need to find the car seat and bases.  BUT, the crib and glider are finally out of Bug's room and into the nursery, as of the day after Thanksgiving.  Now, just to get the rest done.

In due time, it will happen :-)

Monday, December 3, 2012

Another Miracle

My dear friend H just shared with me that while it was not yet planned, they found out they are expecting again.  Their daughter just turned 1 a week or so ago, and their angel baby boy is almost 2 1/2.  While she never struggled with infertility, the death of her son at 31 days of age puts her, in my mind, in a much different situation than those that otherwise have an easy time getting pregnant, as she does.

The day she texted to tell me, I just KNEW that's why she was texting.  I'm not sure how, but it was that intuition.  I am so excited for her and she continues to try to live her life to the fullest, while dealing with a tragedy that is unimaginable to me.  The strength she has amazes me, the way her faith in God has remained without fail helps center me.  

H is an amazing woman, and she deserves all the good this world has to offer.  Congratulations to her and her family, and to that handsome little boy giggling down at them from heaven.  Knowing his parents - this was his trick on them :-)  (in a good way of course!!!)

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Moving Onward

I'm still dealing with the death of my cousin.  I told K that I think I am finding it more difficult to get over in part because I am pregnant, in part because of the specific circumstances surrounding her death.  Drunk driver, being so young, having a young child at home.  I get through most days without crying now, but I still think of her often, and will for what I imagine is a very long time.

The drunk driver had his arraignment last week, and plead not guilty to the 8 (or was it 9?) counts he was charged with.  It turns out that he can only be convicted on up to 4 of the counts, with a maximum sentence of 27 (or was it 28?) years in prison.  That seems like such a short time considering what he took away, but I recognize that is how the laws are, and that I feel so strongly about it because this tragedy has affected me personally.  The trial will happen sometime in February.  I'm hopeful that I can go and be a support to my family.

The funeral was beautiful, and well attended.  Proof at how beautiful a person Heidi was, and how loved she was.

I walked away from all of this with a fresh outlook on life.  A reminder to keep those friends that I hold dear closer to me.  I'm at the point in my life where I have a lot of acquaintances  but only a handful of people that I consider true friends.  I've never been the best at keeping in constant contact with people, but I'm vowing to do better.  To keep reminding them what they mean to me, how important they are.  To see them more often.  To continue to bestow the love upon them that they deserve.

To spend more time just watching bug as she continues to learn more things.  Even if it means leaving the dirty dishes in the sink until tomorrow.  It's OK, they'll get done.  Any moment with bug that I miss I can't gain back.

Being the season, I am so thankful that I had Heidi in my life.  That she was a part of my family and always taught me the meaning of a pure heart.  That I got to see her one last time shortly before she left this world to become an angel.  That I know her fiancee and daughter will remain a part of this family, and a part of my life, forever.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

It's so hard to say Goodbye

Dear Heidi,

Being family, we’ve known each other forever.  Even though you were a few years older, during all of our family gatherings you made sure that I felt included.  I was the baby of the family, and there really were quite a few of us.  You have always been the you that you grew into; a sweet, caring, loving person that has a smile that lights up the room and an ability to rub off on someone that may be feeling down.  When we were at family gatherings I can always remember searching you out, even as I got a little older.  It was the way you made everyone feel at ease, the way you made them WANT to be around you.  As adults we didn't see each other often, in fact not nearly often enough.  We made it to each other’s weddings, but sadly yours was short lived.  It was OK though, he was a real jerk.  Brad, your long term man, is a sweetheart.  I can remember your beautiful voice, oh my it was amazing.  I even asked you to sing at my wedding, but it had only been about a year and 1/2 since your mom passed, and you always sang with your mom.  You weren't quite ready, and I understood that.

I can’t tell you just how excited I was when  found out you were pregnant.  Even though I don’t know, and probably never will, I wondered if you had difficulties.  You may not have, it may have just been the fact that you made it through a rough marriage and then back out the other side.  I watched facebook religiously for the updated pregnancy pictures, and sat on the edge of my seat as your due date neared.  Right around Christmas last year you welcomed your little bundle of joy into the world, and named her Peyton.  She’s a cutie, let me tell you.  I was so happy for you both!

I’d known for a while that you did photography, but was so glad when I made the decision to ask you to do Bug’s 2 year pictures.  As the day got close I got more and more excited to see you, remembering the person that you've always been, even if it had been a few years since I’d seen you.  We had a great day!  We roamed around the park and got a TON of good pictures, including one of my personal favorites of our two little girls playing together.  Ok, it was Peyton pulling Bug’s hair and Bug looking at her like she was crazy J  It was an amazing day.  I remember laughing about what the girls were to each other, was it first cousins twice removed?  Maybe second cousins?  I’m not sure we ever figured it out.  We had a blast at lunch catching up on old times, and even sneaking in a few pictures.  It was the day that I knew Bug would be OK around a baby, because once she warmed up to Peyton she loved her with all her heart and cried when we left.

You were going to come up when the baby was born, to see us all.  We had agreed to make a point of our children knowing each other growing up, like we did.  We were not going to let our lives get away from us again.  And the last few months we kept in touch, we were starting off on the right foot.

But now I have to say goodbye.  It’s not right, it’s not fair.  Every time I think of you now I laugh, and then I cry.  This wasn't how it was supposed to go, it wasn't how it was supposed to end.  Not that I have a say in the matter, but I wish I did because you’d still be here.  Posting pictures of Peyton and requests for help and idea’s in our mom’s group.  I love you Heidi and miss you already.  Please know that Peyton will always know how much her mama loved her, how wonderful a person her mama was.


This was the best way I could get out my thoughts to a wonderful woman who was taken from us too soon.  Here is her story, and please let it be a reminder to tell your friends and family often how much you love them, and to NEVER pick up the keys when you shouldn't.

Last Thursday night, November 8, 2012.  Heidi and her family went grocery shopping.  They were heading home around 8:45pm when they got caught at a stop light.  A red Toyota pickup truck rear ended them doing somewhere between 80 and 100 miles an hour, slamming them into a tow truck that was stopped in front of them.  The car caught fire.  Heidi was in the right rear passenger seat and her significant other, Brad, was driving.  Upon impact she had enough forethought to throw herself over her daughter to help protect her.  When the EMS arrived, they declared Heidi dead at the scene.  Peyton and Brad were rushed to two different hospitals in critical condition.  Thankfully, they both made it and have since been released.  While they are physically healing, they have to now learn to live without their mother, girlfriend, best friend.  Heidi was 1 month shy of her 37th birthday.

The man that hit them was drunk.  He blew 3 times the legal limit – around a .26.  He did not have a valid driver’s license, nor has he in 20 years.  He was driving his employers truck.  He has 5 prior DUI convictions, as well as convictions for identity theft and fraud.  He showed no remorse when advised what he had done.  Why was this man still walking the streets, allowed to make these choices with the history he had?  Why are our laws not tougher?  He never should have been allowed to be in a position where he could take a life before it was time.  Never.

Today they filed the Aggravated Vehicular Homicide and Vehicular assault charges.  It will never be enough, it will never bring her back.  Tomorrow we say goodbye to her, to this amazing soul with a smile a mile wide that never seemed to leave her face.  

December 24, 2000.  Heidi’s mom, my Aunt.  Driving home was hit head on by a drunk driver.  We lost her too.  My only solace at this point is knowing that they are holding each other in heaven, mother and daughter, watching over all of us, but especially watching over Peyton.  She has 2 guardian angels now.

Monday, October 29, 2012


You're singing now, aren't you?  Can't help it, can you?  I know, because I can't help it either.

So, I'm one of those lucky people that isn't allergic to poison ivy, or sumac, or oak, or any of that.  I can practically swim in the stuff and come out unharmed.  K?  He can look at it from 50 feet away and be covered in the spots by the next morning.

When I was pregnant with Bug, I  managed to get one little bitty spot of poison something.  The OB said it was not surprising, that it happens because of the worn down immune system.  It was a bummer, but not bad at all.

Then, in July of this year, I caught it again.  It was bigger this time, and took FOREVER to heal.  Like, K got it too (worse than me still) and healed a good week or so before me.  It came from working on our rental house back in Toledo.

Then, a maybe 6 weeks or so ago, I got it again.  I hadn't even been anywhere NEAR woods!!!  We think the dog got it going out back to poo in the woods and gave it to me.  This time it was worse, spread more, itched more and took even longer to heal.

Oh. Ma. Gawd.  I feel SO BAD for those that are allergic to this crap.  It SUCKS.  Badly.  And I KNOW that I didn't even have that bad of a case of it.  I hope that I never catch it again.  I can still see the healing spot on my leg where I had it the worst.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Living the life

So the other day Bug and I were eating dinner (K was at work, as usual).  Suddenly, in the middle of dinner, Bug acts as if she is done eating, and in quite a hurry to be out of her high chair.

So, I let her out.

She reached down and grabbed the front of her diaper.  I asked if she had to potty, and she said yes.  (we really aren't that far into potty training, early early stages, and she's never actually gone potty in the potty yet).

So, we went into the bathroom.  I pulled her pants down, and took off her diaper.  She started to sit on the toilet.

Then she started kinda freaking out, and walked out of the bathroom and stood right in front of the door in the hallway, stressed.

I asked if she was OK, and asked if she wanted to sit back down.

She looked at me, a little stunned.

And pooped on the carpet.

I kept telling her it was OK, put her on the toilet and cleaned it up.  All the while praising her for telling me she had to go, and for almost going on the potty.

That's my girl.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Welcome to the third trimester....

And welcome to severe back pain.

 My back has been hurting over the last couple of months, but within the last couple of weeks it has gotten progressively worse and worse. By this last week it was hurting as early as about 10am and not stopping... all.... day.... long. My OB suggested a maternity support belt, and I've been wearing one for the last couple of days with minimal relief. It breaks my heart because it's hurting so bad that it's hard to snuggle with bug, which is an issue I'll mention in a bit. I'm not sure how to make it better, but I think I'm going to try a massage tomorrow. Other typical aids haven't done a whole lot, but when K rubs on it a bit it seems to help.

I can't believe that I only have about 11 weeks left until my due date. I have no idea where the time has gone! It's so very exciting, I really can't wait to meet this little one. I suspect it's a boy, K thinks it's a girl. The bets are on :-)

The newest struggle I'm having is now realizing that Bug is no longer going to be our only baby, that we're going to lose that one on one daily time that we get now. Everything is going to have to be shared now, including our time and love. I know that the love will multiply and that we will love both the same, but it's so hard to know that she won't be the only one anymore. It's becoming more and more real, and it's kind of hard.

We were out with a friend last week that has 2 kids, the second one just shy of 9 months old. I was holding him while my friend went to the bathroom and bug had a meltdown because I was holding another baby. That kicked my thoughts into high gear of course, because I know it's going to be such a transition for her. 

But, I still can't wait to meet this little one. I am so excited for the coming weeks to pass, but I know that this will be my last pregnancy, so I also don't want to wish them away. Even with the back pain I'm trying to enjoy every minute, every kick, every hiccup. I love it all. I love this new little one.

My weight has finally caught up (part of the back pain I'm sure), so all seems to be looking good with this pregnancy. Some days it still feels unreal. I had someone question when I was due the other day and had to honestly think for a minute to realize she meant me, the pregnant me!

That's about it for now, but I'm gonna try to blog more often!!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

6 months!

I can't believe it!  I'm 6 months, and I'm officially a little over a week past viability, at 25 weeks 3 days.  It's amazing, and I love it!!  I'm finally gaining a little weight, and I'm officially up 14 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, which is up 4 pounds since my last OB appointment a little over 2 weeks ago.  I finally have gotten past the stress related weight issues I think!!!

Work is still insane, still very stressful, and I'm still trying to work on hiring.  I've interviewed some good candidates, but I don't want to hire until I've interviewed everyone I'm interested in, and HR is taking their sweet old time.

K and I have had a couple of counseling appointments now, and everything is going good.  The counselor thinks that we are heading down the right path and we are working very hard on the open lines of communication.  I really appreciate everyone's sweet words on my last post, it means a lot to me.  We are going to work through this and come out stronger on the other side.  It won't be easy, but we will make it.

K20 is moving like crazy, way more than Bug ever moved around.  I've got insane heartburn and am ALWAYS exhausted.  I'm more uncomfortable at this point then I was with Bug, I just feel like this baby is constantly pushing out all sides of my tummy.  I think I'm having some braxton hicks contractions too.  Otherwise I'm feeling great though!

Bug is doing awesome.  We've had the second early intervention appointment, and they said that she is doing 3 year old things on all her other skills, but they can already say she'll qualify for help on the speech (has to be less than 25%, but I don't know her stats just yet).  We will have another appointment with them on October 15, and then we'll start once a month appointments with them.  We'll have to start weekly speech therapy as well, and unfortunately I do not think it will be covered by insurance.  I don't know that for a fact yet, it all depends on how it would be coded, but from my years in the industry I suspect that it will be coded in a way that translates to learning disability (not that she has one; it's all about coding here), and that is something that isn't covered in Ohio (other states I know mandate some level of coverage).  The biggest bummer about that is that we are struggling financially right now, and K is about to start losing hours as the weather gets worse out and he has less students able to fly, which means less money.  Then when I'm on maternity leave I'll only get 2/3 of my pay.  But that doesn't matter - we will do whatever we have to for Buggie, and to get her the help she needs!!!

I love that little girl more than anything in the world.  She can be tough some days and leave me in tears, but that's OK.  She's such a sweet, good natured little girl.  I know her tantrums are from the speech issues, and we'll work through those.  Otherwise she loves to giggle and roll around wrestling with daddy (not so much mommy these days, the tummy is getting in the way).  She's been such a mama's girl lately, and it's SO sweet!  Tonight when I was putting her to bed, after our whole routine I asked her if she was ready to go night night.  She shook her head yes, but then when I went to put her into the crib (we are working on getting her more comfortable with her BIG GIRL BED) so we do our singing and cuddling there right now, but haven't fully done the transition, yikes, she didn't want to go.  So we sat on the glider and cuddled for a bit longer.  It was so precious, and I held onto it so tight, knowing it won't last forever.  Then I put her in the crib and she went to sleep.  Oh man do I love that little girl.

So yes, we bought her a big girl bed.  It's crowding her room along with the crib right now, but we're hoping a slow transition will make it easier.  I figure right now we are looking at 6 months before we'll need the crib, between finishing out the pregnancy and K20's time in the bassinet.  So if we can get her transitioned within the next 3 months, then we have 3 more months of her getting really used to it and over the crib so that she won't feel as if the new baby is stealing it.

I can't believe she's 2, we're working on a big girl bed, and I am 6 months pregnant with our second miracle.  We may be going through some rough personal times right now, but I really do have an amazing life.  That's how I know we will work things out because this life, this family, this EVERYTHING is worth it.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Checking In

Oh man, the last couple of weeks have been crazy.  At work my openings were finally approved to fill.  So I started interviewing this week, but it's gonna be a few more weeks at best before I have people picked and offers out to them.  That's OK, it's moving.  I'm still really stressed at work, but I'm trying to take deep breaths and just keep plugging away.

I had my checkup on Monday, I am now 23 weeks.  My next appointment will actually be in 5 weeks, at which time I'll do the glucola screening (yuck) and get my rhogam shot (ouch).  It'll be fun ~ not.  But, I'm almost to viability, so that's amazing!!

So, the doc has worries about my weight gain.  I've only gained about 10 pounds from my pre-pregnancy (and pre-IVF) weight.  That's not much considering I'm pretty thin and short.  I'm at the point where I should be gaining about a pound a week, and that's just. not. happening.  I'm eating, I swear.  But I'm stressed.  I don't have the same appetite that I did when I was pregnant with Bug.  The doc said my fundal height is measuring on, so she feels the baby is growing as he/she should.  Her worry is that because I started out so thin I won't have a lot of stores, and what I do have the baby will take, leaving nothing for me.  I know she's right.  So she told me to find a place to add in more calories each day, and if I think to myself 'I probably shouldn't eat that,' that I should go ahead and eat it.  She said we're just going to keep an eye on it for now.  Otherwise, K20 is great.  Nice strong heartbeat, EXTREMELY active, in general doing well!

On the other hand, I'm dealing with some pretty crazy personal stresses.  K and I will be starting counseling again Monday night, and we definitely need it.  I'm not going to get into what's going on, but it caught me very off guard and I've been a wreck for the last week.  So, I have a feeling that between the work stresses and these new personal stresses, that is part of my weight gain problem.  Especially since over the last week I suddenly feel like I'm not handling much of anything very well, I'm really really struggling.  I feel horrible because it feels like I have a shorter fuse with Bug, not that I'm snapping or yelling at her, but more just that I feel like I'm giving up easier, like when she starts to throw a tantrum.  I try and then I feel like I just can't anymore.

We did have her early intervention meeting yesterday, and they did agree that there is some level of concern on her speech.  So we have another evaluation on 9/24.  Her hearing has been checked out, and that is fine.

So, that's it for now.  A lot, and I'm sorry that I'm not posting more often.  Please hang in there with me!!

Friday, August 31, 2012

It was bedtime...

So, the other night was a great night.  Bug wasn't cranky on the way home from daycare (she usually is), even considering that she got bit.  yes, again.  Multiple times.  K is talking to them tomorrow and we're not dealing with this again, so if it's not fixed right away we're gone.  Yes, it's the same kid.  But I digress, this is a happy post.

So bug was happy all evening.  As we were getting ready for bed, the mama kissy monster attached her neck and face.  She was giggling so hard and it just made my heart melt.  Then I stopped, and she looked at me with the biggest grin on her face and said 'mowe' (more).  So I did.  Again, and again and again as she kept asking for mowe, mowe, mowe.

It was sweet, and amazing, and a WONDERFUL, perfect way to end the night.  Ahhh, the love of a toddler!!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Damn you auto correct

So, here's the setting.  Bug and I were at my parents for the afternoon.  We had agreed to have dinner with them; chicken tacos.  K was at work, but was going to make it for dinner, after stopping by the house to change his clothes and let the dog out.  Here is the conversation, via text, that ensued after that decision was made:

Me: Cam you bring over hard taxi shells and sour cream from the house too?
K: K, crown vic, or a van?
Me: Crown box for sure.
Me: I hate auto correct
K: A box of crown? LMAO
Me: OMG that caused some tears from laughing.
K: pee a little?
Me: No, thankfully I just went.

'nuff said.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I had to change my underwear....

Oh how I love the fun parts of pregnancy.

You know, like sneezing, or coughing before you even realize you have to pee.  Oh yeah.  That part.

My allergies have been killing me.  It doesn't help that while I remember every day to take my prenatal vitamin and DHA supplement, for some reason I can't seem to remember to take my zyrtec.  I have no idea why.  So I forget the pill.  And within a day, I sneeze.  A lot.

I wear a liner most days, and usually I can cross my legs and make it OK.  But the other day?

No way.  I sneezed, and sneezed, and sneezed.  I think it was like 7 in a row.

Oh yeah, I had to change my underwear.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

This is a Test

I swear, I'm being tested.  I feel like I'm dodging roadside bombs.

No worries, the baby is great.  Ultrasound yesterday at 18 weeks 1 day and all looked perfect!!  And as I have been feeling for the last week or so, this little one is a mover.  Like all over the place.  Kicking and punching.  No wonder I'm feeling K20 so much!!

So, my test.  Work.

It's been stressful to begin with.  I won't get into everything as it would take 8 posts I think.  A high level of some of it - lots of heavy duty projects that I'm managing, with tight almost unattainable deadlines.  One project with an external customer has resulted in me feeling like I'm in high school again because they are acting very juvenile and using me as a scapegoat.  I'm not too worried because my director as well as the VP that is the overall head managing the project believe that I haven't said/done what is being passed along (and I really haven't.)  It's so bad that every contact I have with these 2 people I now include my director on- emails, telephone calls, etc.  Luckily, he can back me up when I am laughing at the absolute insanity they are trying to say.

So, that's bad enough without any more detail, right?

Well.  Staffing.  This is where it gets bad.  I came into the department with 9 FTE (full time employees) and 1 PTE.  Of these, 5 of the FTE's are Reps and the 1 PTE is a rep (they spend all their time negotiating contracts and keeping our customers happy and in line with their contracts).  The others are coordinators (they handle all of our administrative type duties).  The department had been a mess; mismanaged beyond belief.  So they weren't a happy group of people.  A couple of them have been in the position for a LONG time, and the job has changed a LOT, and their prior manager took NO time to help ensure that they changed with it.  So they didn't.  It was bad.  One of them I even had little hope for to be honest, but I chipped away and worked on him.  Then he retired mid April, and with all the slimming down with the economy, I agreed to do my best at not replacing him.

Then my EVP's secretary went on disability, and he stole one of my coordinators as an interim replacement until he could get approval (read 90 days) to replace the secretary on disability.  Well, it's been more than 90 days, and no one knows if the secretary is coming back, so my staff member is still on loan.

During this time, my director took a new position within the company and a new one was hired (I posted about that a bit back).  Then, two Representatives (the only 2 we had) that handle a different segment of customers and report directly to my boss (the director) resigned and moved onto new opportunities (not with competitors).  Needless to say, my director being so new had NO IDEA how to do their jobs while hiring, so I did.  While already dealing with regular duties, 2 huge projects, and 2 short staff issues of my own.

Can you even sense where I'm going with this?  Here is a good time to say that any hiring must be approved by our HR Committee; which includes our CEO, EVP of HR, and about 5 other EVP's.  They only meet ONE TIME A MONTH.  Until you take a job to them and get it approved, you can't even post to fill the position.

So, my director finally hires his 2 replacements, and one of them is a promotion of one of my reps.  So now I'm down 3 people; 2 reps and 1 coordinator.  She started her new job on 8/1 and is being GREAT about helping to handle her old duties while trying to learn her new duties.  Needless to say, she accepted the promotion the DAY that the HR Committee met, AFTER they met in July.  So I can't even take her job to be filled until the end of August.

Yesterday, another one of the long term reps that has struggled with all the changes to the job (but was doing  really good!!) turned in her resignation.  So now, I'm down 4 people; 3 reps and 1 coordinator.  My staff of 10 is suddenly only 6.  I'm starting to stress and sweat a little bit.  Because out of the 2 1/2 remaining reps, 2 of them just started at the beginning of the year.

Today, one of the reps brings me her orders.  She's being called up to active duty.  Effective Friday.  Her last day for a YEAR is Friday.

So yeah, now I'm down 5 people; 4 reps and 1 coordinator.  Half of my staff is gone.  I have 1 full time (newer) rep and 1 part time rep to deal with ALL of our contracts.  It's absolutely impossible.

I presented to my director and EVP that we need to pull resources from other territories.  They are calling the EVP of HR first thing in the morning to try to work around waiting another 2 weeks to even post a job.  By the time I post the job, collect resumes, interview, hire, get onboarded and TRAINED, I will be leaving on maternity leave!!  My department is falling apart at the seams.

I was made to feel good by a counterpart in another part of the state when she informed me that the best thing my company did was bring me in to take over the department, that if anyone can handle it and make it all work out it's me.  It made me feel really good, but right now, I am a little stressed.  Right now, I'd kill for a glass of wine.  I know some people are OK doing it, but K and I agree that it's not right for us and our situation.  So instead, I will sit and enjoy my water while pretending it's a glass of white wine, even though I prefer red.

This is only a test.

Saturday, July 28, 2012


I'm still here!!

I have had stuff to say, but by the time I get bug to bed at night I'm SO VERY TIRED.  I water the plants, take my shower, watch 20 mins of TV and go to bed.  Yep, that's my life these days.

First I wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my terrible two's post.  I did call EI, and we are in the process of setting up the home visit.  Bug seems more interested in learning the names of things, so I'm hoping that's a good sign.  She seems to want to talk more, just can't quite figure out how.  So we are also getting her ears checked just to make sure that there's no fluid in them.

We had her 24 month check up on Thursday.  She is now 32 inches and 26.1 pounds.  She's smack in the middle of the percentiles.  Not that I care much about them, but this kiddo still seems tiny while seeming huge at the same time.  Crazy, I know.

She turned 2 (OMG, she's 2?!!!) on Wednesday, the 25th.  I took the day off and her GodMother flew in for the day.  Unfortunately K wasn't able to get out of work, so we actually opened up her presents on Thursday, when he was home.  It was very nice.  But on Wednesday we went to the park and played for as long as my arms could take it on the slide.  She swung some too, but she LOVES slides.  We had a blast!!!  Then we had mac and cheese and corn for dinner (her favorites) and she crashed at bedtime.

Yesterday, our sweet little angel baby Holden turned 2 up in heaven.  His parents and younger sister celebrated with cake, ice cream and balloons being lifted up by the wind in the short break in clouds during the rain.  I was sorry I couldn't be there, but let them know that I was thinking of them.  They seem to be doing so well these days, but I know how hard it must still be.  Their daughter just turned 8 months old, and boy is she a cutie.

All in all things have been going good.  I've been trying my best to ward off the tantrums, sometimes successfully, but trying really hard to figure out what it is that she wants to communicate to me.  Some days are better than others.  I really think that EI may be able to help.

All else is well in our lives.  K is working too much, I'm stressed about my work (too many big projects).  But the pregnancy is going well.  I'm almost 17 weeks and most crazy symptoms have dwindled, although not gone away entirely.  I am starting to feel movement, but not too much of it.  I've not put on much weight, but have quite the baby bump.  Those people that I haven't specifically told about the pregnancy have pretty much figured it out by now, although I don't know if/when I'll announce it on Facebook.  K wants to, maybe I'll let him and I'll leave it alone.  I just know of at least 1 person on there dealing with IF, and I'm not sure if there are others.

Well, Bug is calling for attention, so off I go.  Have a great day everyone!!

Monday, July 9, 2012

14 weeks

So, I'm 14 weeks pregnant.  I can't believe it.  I have my next OB appointment Tuesday, and I am so happy about that.  I can't wait to hear this little one's heartbeat again, it makes me relax, even if only for a week.  I love it.

I'm still dealing with some minor morning sickness, and lots of heartburn.  Headaches are still here, and the exhaustion is still crazy.

I am officially starting into the second trimester.  I can't believe that we're already 1/3 of the way through this pregnancy!  I'm really enjoying it, but it is SO MUCH harder with a two year old toddler in tow, and a husband who, unfortunately, isn't home all that often.  (have to love being a flight instructor).

I have, honestly, questioned what in the world we were thinking, adding another baby to this chaos.  The terrible two's with Bug are not helping that question.  I worry that I won't be able to handle it all when K isn't home.  It's scary, but still exciting.  I still can't wait to meet this little one, to hold him or her to my breast.

We won't find out what we're having again.  The surprise was too perfect last time.  But let me state it for the record, that I think it's going to be a boy.

So for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture that I took at 13 weeks 6 days:


Yep, that's a baby in there.  And for comparison sake, here's the bump from when I was pregnant with Bug, at 19 weeks 4 days:


Yeah.  I can't imagine how much bigger I'll be this time around at full term.  See how I'm carrying this one lower??  Or is that just me? Yikes!!!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Terrible Two's?!

So, Bug's birthday is coming up in just under 3 weeks.  And boy, has she hit the terrible twos!!

I think part of the problem is that she still isn't really talking.  She says (in sign language) More, Eat, Please, Thank you, Milk, Water and Thirsty.  She speaks Mama and Dada (although not very often), This, That, yes, no and Ice.  That's about it.  So I think she's having a hard time communicating, on top of the whole learning to deal with the strong feelings.

Today was a good day.  We only had one mid level and three minor melt downs.  They involved crying and some kicking and hitting of the poor floor.  But there are worse.

Most days, in the time after I get home from work, we manage to have sometimes 3 or more melt downs.  Mind you, this is between about 5:45ish and 7:30ish when she goes to bed.  These melt downs range from minor (not lasting long, mainly just some sitting down and crying), to mid level (crying harder, throwing herself on the floor kicking and screaming) to major (all of the above plus hitting everything in sight including me, the dog, and herself), scratching herself to the point of drawing blood, pulling out her hair, crying so hard she almost pukes, and comes out sweaty and exhausted.

I've tried ignoring, holding through, talking to her softly, talking to her whiny.  I've tried joining her on the floor.  Nothing seems to work.

Is this all normal?  On the weekends it gets BAD.  I mean, sometimes 10, 15 tantrums.  I asked my mom one day if I was like that at her age (or my brother).  She said while we both threw tantrums, they were nothing like Bug's tantrums.

She's obviously a master tantrum thrower.

When K had her in to the dr for her 18 month check up, they gave him some phone numbers to talk to some people about her speech.  They also said we could try to wait it out to 2.  I wanted to call, he wasn't too worried so he misplaced the numbers.  The only new word we seem to have in spoken language since then is ice.  Sometimes I think I hear words (please, eat, more milk, hi, etc etc) but they never last.  I'm honestly getting worried.  And K is hardly ever home, so he doesn't see it as much.  This week was nice, he got almost all of Tuesday, and all day Thursday at home.  Plus, he's home now putting Bug to bed.  Which is so nice.

Speaking of putting bug to bed.  I was really starting to stress because she STILL wasn't going to sleep on her own.  I had no idea how I was going to manage it with her and an infant.  Then we went on vacation and my Mom sleep trained her.  Not in the way I would have chosen, but I was desperate, so it became OK.  She's doing pretty good with letting us put her down and then walk out.  She has cried the last 2 nights though.  I hope it keeps getting better, as I want to try to transition her to a new bed so the new baby can use the crib.  Plus, she won't nap in her crib any longer (she has napped on a cot at daycare for a year now).  So she's been napping on the couch.  I don't love this set up, but it's better than the alternative, which is no nap at all.  She's not ready for that yet.

For the good news, she's still very much a lover when she wants to be.  Nothing makes up for the tantrums more than some big old hugs and kisses from the sweetest little girl I know.

Thursday, June 28, 2012


So, K and I have camped a few times together in our 12 years together, but it's always been in a pop up camper.  That was the compromise - I grew up tent camping, he grew up campering.  I spent 12 long years trying to convince him to tent camp.  Well, I finally was successful, and last weeks vacation was tent camping along the blue ridge parkway of North Carolina!!

Between work, K not being home due to his work, and Bug not sleeping real well, it's been a bit stressful.  This vacation my mom babysat Bug for the week (eeks!) and just K and I went.  It was absolutely the best vacation we've had in years!  It was so relaxing, so stress free.  We both really forgot about work (which amazed me that we were both able to!)

Neither one of us managed to find the time to really plan this vacation.  We are planners.  So, for once in our lives we had a completely spontaneous vacation.  We knew where we were going (blue ridge parkway) and our starting point (somewhere near Linville Falls NC) and that was about it.  We left on Sunday, a little later than we originally planned, so about halfway there we decided to find a place in VA (about 3 hours or so from our 'starting point') and camp for the night.  So we did.  Then on Monday we jumped on the parkway just before we crossed into NC and we started driving.  We stopped often and explored the overlooks, did some hiking and took our time getting anywhere.  Monday evening we called a friend that happens to live in NC and she ended up coming and camping with us (for her first time) for a few days (as she was on her 'weekend').  We drove around the parkway (approximately 115 miles of the 469 miles that make it up) and found waterfalls, caverns, and hiking trails.  We started at our southernmost point and slowly worked our way north.  Then we stayed Friday night in VA at the same campground, and drove home Saturday.

We have a fun car (a Mazda Speed 3) and took every opportunity to enjoy it.  We got to be adults and enjoy our time together again.  It was really nice because at the end of stims I was too uncomfortable to make love, and then we couldn't for the first 6 weeks.  Then my RE, instead of releasing me from 'pelvic bedrest' told to me to wait to talk to my OB, which of course was just a couple of weeks ago.  So our vacation was our first time in a few months, and it was VERY MUCH NEEDED (I know, probably TMI).

So, here are some pictures that I took on my cell for you to enjoy of our vacation!

On the initial drive down (the worst of the weather - it was awesome after this.  Sorry about the size on a couple of them!):







And the little imp that made me SO happy to see when we got home:

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life

Dear K,

The day we met, I didn’t yet realize that you were ‘the one.’  But it didn’t take long after to know it for sure.  The day you proposed to me was one of the best days of my life, my heart felt so full, so right.  Those first couple of years were rough in a way that you might not have even realized ~ an Addict getting over an addiction doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time, energy and effort.  Do you remember that night in New York?  We’d only been dating for a short time, it was our first vacation together.  I had a breakdown halfway back to our hotel.  I don’t even remember what the issue was, but I know it had something to do with the addiction.

See, that’s the funny thing about addiction.  It never really goes away.  It gets better, sometimes you find yourself missing the fuel that feeds the addiction.  But the addiction is still there.  I was an addict, that means I am an addict, and will be forever.  Even if I did fight off those dusty old demons at the tender age of 19.  And you know what?  You never cared.  You decided that you liked the ME that I really was, regardless of those demons.  You accepted me, wounded heart, soul and all.

So many months (ok, not really that many) later you proposed.  I was the happiest mind, heart and soul around.  I sometimes still worried about relapsing, but I never spent too much time worrying about it.  I had life to live!  Love to make!  Fun to have!!

The year we got married was an amazing year.  Sure, there were some moments that we probably drove each other nuts, but you know what?  I don’t remember them, at all.  I remember knowing that I was marrying the man of my dreams, the man that I was destined to be with.  The man who could see through the veil that I liked to try to cover the real me with, and LOVED what he saw.  It was never a problem for you to break down the barriers I had built around me.  They were there to protect me, and in a few times already in our young love they almost forced out the man who would allow me to be me.  Thank you for never letting that happen, thank you for keeping up the fight to keep those walls torn apart.

On that day, walking down the aisle, I imagine that neither of us had any clue what lie ahead.  The troubles, the road blocks and near misses, the almost disasters.  How could we?  We had the world at our fingertips, love in our hearts, a little money in the bank and our whole lives ahead of us!  We were so young!  Those first few years were absolutely amazing, when we got to see each other that is.  But the crazy schedules were OK, we were used to it, and we always took time for ourselves.  The little things that you always did meant so much to me.  Like after opening your much loved Diet Pepsi that you’d been hoping for, and giving me the first sip.  Or dealing with no meat eating at home because I was still a vegetarian (what was I thinking?).  I remember you getting me the puppy I wanted so bad, and finding the two of you passed out together on the couch the day you brought her home.  You spent so much time with your sister in those early years because we were friends, and I imagine that it wasn’t always easy, but you did it with a smile.  You dealt with me helping out my brother financially with hardly a word, because you knew how much I craved the sibling relationships that you had, but never got myself.  I always loved the way that you would jump right out of bed in those first few years.  Man did I ruin that – stupid snooze, I apologize. 

We had so much fun!  We worked, went to school and at times drank too much.  We found our love of boating, and made a million good time friends at a sailing club.  We stayed up late and slept in, then spent the day doing laundry and homework.  We stressed that school would never end, but then one day it did.

I never dreamed that the day we decided to start a family would end up causing so much pain and suffering for us years later.  I am so sorry for those difficult times that we were very unprepared for.  But here I won’t dwell on the bad, only the good.  I am not sorry that we now have a beautiful, independent, stubborn, smirk like her daddy little girl.  She is the light of our lives, and the way you treat her like a princess will prepare her for years of good relationship choices.  It will hopefully end in her marrying someone with similarities to her daddy, because he is such a good man.

Today, as I sit here and reminisce on these times I see just how far we have come.  We made it through the good times and the bad, the difficult and easy.  We’ve spent money where we shouldn’t, and some where we should.  We’ve eaten out too much and stayed in too much.  We’ve enjoyed the miracles of lightening bugs in our own backyard.  We’ve camped close to home, and flown over to Europe.  These memories are amazing, they make me the person I am, and the couple we are.  They are the world to me, and I am so grateful to have them, to have made them with you.

Happy Anniversary Baby.  10 years is amazing, I look forward to the next 10 and beyond!!

(This was to be posted on Friday, June 22.  I forgot to auto set it to post before we left on vacation, so happy anniversary to K, 2 days late.  I'll post about vacation later!)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


We had our first OB appointment.  I have been doing pretty good since my last post, but I have let the fear creep in when I wasn't paying close enough attention and let my guard down.  So, today was magical.  She warned me that they might not be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler yet, but said if we didn't we'd check by ultrasound.  As it turns out it didn't matter.  Immediately upon putting the doppler on my stomach our newest little ones heartbeat came through loud and clear.  She didn't even have to look for it, she got it right on her first try.

Amazing.  Lovely.  Perfect.

In 30 weeks, we are having a baby.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Fear Factor

I think that I have pinpointed part of the reason that this pregnancy feels so surreal.  I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out, but it's the Fear Factor.  Any woman that has dealt with pregnancy after infertility, pregnancy after loss, adoption after an adoption failed all know this feeling.  It's an overwhelming fear that some greater force has made the decision that this baby is not meant to be.

I believe in God.  Strongly.  I believe that what happens is his will.  But that doesn't take away the fear factor.  That wouldn't make a loss any easier, or another cycle after a loss any easier.

I've realized over the last few days that I spend time every day worrying.  Wondering.  Fearing.  Agonizing.  Being Scared.  Every Day.  I remember this now from the pregnancy with Buggie.  It never fully went away, but it did get easier as the weeks went on.  As I passed the 12 week mark and the threat of miscarriage reduced.  Getting the RhoGham shot and the threat of loss reduced.  Passing viability.  Making it into the 3rd trimester.  Making it through bed rest and threatened pre-term labor with the baby still safe and snug inside me. Making it to my due date, and then yes, even overdue.

So, as this realization hit me, as it really sunk in today that I've been fighting this feeling I'm making myself a promise.  This will, most likely, be my last pregnancy.  I will not waste time worrying about it.  I will trust in God, and yes, pray that he keeps us all safe, even this tiny new life growing inside of me.  I will take one day at a time, and enjoy every moment of this life being in the one place that I have a little more control over keeping it  safe.

I will live every day knowing that Today, I am Pregnant.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Life in General

Happy Memorial Day to everyone!

I don't really have a whole lot to say, but I wanted to at least post something so that everyone knows I'm alive and well!

Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks pregnant.  I don't have any symptoms that are around all the time other than exhaustion.  I am, however, starting to feel more.  I get nauseous if I haven't eaten enough, and I am starting to deal with some heartburn.  I'm also now and again getting floaters in my peripheral vision, which comes from the fact that I have nice low blood pressure.  I'm still dealing with the emotional mood swings, poor K.

Last night Nana watched Bug, and K and I went out on a date.  We had a real nice dinner, and then oddly enough, went shopping.  We bought most of the things we need for camping next month for our 10 year anniversary.  Then we went grocery shopping, which was nice to do together and without a babe in tow.  It was a nice evening.

I was excited to read a fellow bloggers post recently to learn that her first cycle IUI has worked, and she's pregnant!  I found her blog a while ago, and I feel like we were on such a similar track.  We both struggled with primary IF, had to have ART of some form to get pregnant, then had to wean before we felt ready in order to try for a second child.  She has been a great cheerleader while I went through IVF, and I am so happy that she is now pregnant as well.  She's only a few weeks behind me, so I'm excited to share this journey of second pregnancy and birth after dealing with infertility.

K and I still feel like this pregnancy is surreal.  We know we're pregnant, but with the minimal symptoms it's so strange to believe it.  I have a little baby bump, which is probably still mostly from dealing with the OHSS.  We were afraid that by now I'd have to have told everyone about the pregnancy, but not so far.  I hope to make it 4 more weeks, so we'll see.

Bug is waking up from her nap, so I have to go check on her.  Have a great day everyone!!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Hating Daycare

So, before we moved we were in this great little family run christian daycare.  I knew all the teachers real well, and they all LOVED bug.  I mean really, who wouldn't love the infant and toddler that just LOVED to cuddle? I cried when I gave them our notice to leave.  It was SO hard.

So we found a daycare here and it didn't last long.  K was just getting back into work, so it was OK, we pulled her out and had her at home a week before starting at a new place.  We liked this one pretty good, it is part of a Montessori school.  There is a 1:7 ratio for her age, and there are 3 'classes' in one big room that is separated with low walls so all the kids can kind of see each other.  It's an interesting set up.

But then it happened.  The first bite.  We didn't think anything of it at first, I mean, our hearts hurt because we didn't want her to get bit, but it was OK.  But then it happened again.  And again.  And again.  It started happening more and more.  The teachers weren't catching it every time, so we weren't always getting incident reports.  We would get home and change her diaper or get her ready for bed and find them.  Bug is so sweet natured, this was NOT OK.  So we complained.  A couple of times to the teachers in the room (did no good) and finally to the office.  They said at the time it was mostly one kid, but there was another that had been part of the problem.  Nothing got done.

A new teacher started a couple of weeks ago and K and I starting talking about our options.  I typically pick her up, but he did on Friday, and on his way down the hall he could hear bug crying.  He walked in the room to  find the little boy that we have figured out to the be the one that mostly bites her, and he has her PINNED to the ground, biting, while the teacher is sitting off to the side.  This is NOT acceptable.  K scoops her up and immediately goes to the office to talk to them.  I'm pissed.  K is pissed.  We agree to get serious about finding her a new daycare.  In the meantime, she has to continue going because we have no other options.  So she goes Monday.  I get there to pick her up, and the office manager is in her room.  She proceeds to tell me that she has spent the day there, presumably to figure out what to do to fix this issue.  Then she informs me that yes, Bug was bit, again that day.  I start bawling, tell her it's unacceptable, that we're looking at leaving, and that I'm pregnant again and can't stand the though of either of my babies dealing with this.  She is very empathetic, but it's beyond that for me.

So, bug goes back yesterday.  By 10:00am I get a call from the office manager that she's been bit, again.  She then informs me that she moved her to a different group.  Mind you, this is all in a message.  So when I get there to pick her up I find out her new teacher, whom I like and can tell adores Bug.  I ask her if it's permanent, because I expect it to be.  I kind of fill her in on what's been going on, which she isn't aware of, but she is aware of the fact that I threatened to leave.  She takes me to the office manager to discuss the move being permanent.  She agrees that it will be.

But I'm still done.  We are in the process of finding her a new place, but at least for now the hope is that the bites will stop as she is separated from the little boy who is torturing my sweet hearted little girl.  The last couple of weeks she has been going down for sleep tough, she has started waking up at night again, and has started to cry when K drops her off at daycare.  It's obvious to me that the biting is part of it, she doesn't feel safe there anymore (although admittedly I do also think her eye teeth are finally coming in).

So right now, she has 5 healing bites that you can still see, 2 on her right arm, one on her cheek, and two HORRIBLE ones on her back.  That's just from this week.  That doesn't count the 3 that are pretty much gone from Friday.

Call me judgmental.  I know kids bite, but this, to me, is a cry for attention from that little boy.  Biting some is one thing, but if he is biting Bug this much (sometimes upwards of 7 times in a 3 day period), you know he has to be biting others too.  I have never felt such bad feelings towards a kid that, at most, is 26 months old.  I'm trying to forgive him and ask God to help his family get past whatever it is that causes this little boy to act out.  I'm trying.  But right now, I just feel bad feelings towards him and the way he is bullying my daughter at this tender age.  It's NOT OK.

I blame the daycare for not coming up with a better solution sooner.  I have a bad taste in my mouth now about this daycare, for not DOING SOMETHING until I forced their hand.  But now it's too late.  We are going to leave, it's just a matter of when.

I love my little girl so much, and it hurts me to see her hurt.  (and it's not cool that we look like abusive parents either, he pretty much gave her a black eye about a month ago by scratching her, and all weekend we were stared at like the worst parents ever.)

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I'm still pregnant!

Wow, I really didn't mean to make you all wait for so long before getting an update!!  The last two weeks have been a crazy whirlwind, full of good things!

Last Thursday I got my second beta draw.  My numbers were 5,105, which is a great number!  So we scheduled our first ultrasound, and that just happened to be today.  They found my ovaries are still huge, but I don't look nearly as pregnant and I'm not nearly as uncomfortable.  But the most important thing is that they saw one gestational sac, with the yolk and everything.  Then the best part, they found our new little ones heartbeat.  I cried to the point where the ultrasound tech told me she knew I was excited but I had to try to hold still so she could get her measurements!  There really is a baby in there.  I really am pregnant again.  I know I keep saying this, but I think it's finally hitting home!

One of the reasons it still feels unreal is because I'm not feeling a lot of symptoms.  I'm definitely more tired, and my nipples are a LITTLE more tender, I've had a couple small random bouts of nausea, but not really a whole lot more than that.  I'm 6 weeks 3 days pregnant.  With Bug at this point in my pregnancy my boobs hurt SO bad (and had for weeks), I'd been struggling with insane heartburn, the morning sickness had started when I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, I'd been having headaches already, and I couldn't stand the smell of coffee. These are just the ones I can remember right now, but I'm not really having any of that.  It's so strange how different pregnancy can be.  I know any/all of it can still hit, and while I won't wish it on, I'll be OK with it.

The OHSS is mostly gone, as I mentioned above I'm still just slightly uncomfortable.  I've lost all but 1 pound of the water weight I gained, and I don't expect to lose that last pound nor do I expect the little bit of a tummy I now have to go away.  I suspect those will be around now until after baby!!

I feel this overwhelming sense of love in the air around me.  Life is good, it really is.  I had a good cry, it was interesting.  It was happy tears, we have a pregnancy, we have a heartbeat.  I think the tears were in part for all that has happened over the last 6 years, since the day we began trying, through failed IVF's, through our separation, the first pregnancy and the thought that K may never be biologically related to our kid(s).  It was a tough choice to try IVF one more time, and it was well worth it.  Well worth the cost, the stress, the injections, everything.  We made the impossible happen.

Life is good.

Friday, May 4, 2012


So, a couple of days ago my bloating got worse.  I gained some weight, my tummy looks pregnant.  I'm uncomfortable, still feeling like my stomach might explode.  So I called the RE yesterday, and since I was going in for my beta this morning, they added some additional blood work and an ultrasound to check for hyperstimulation.

So I went in for a 7:00 appointment, and didn't get out until 11:00.  It was fun times.  First, the good news!  My beta came back at 488.  Ladies I am PREGNANT!  The at home tests apparently weren't enough to prove it, I needed to hear the doctor tell me that I'm pregnant.  It was amazing.  The sweetest words.

So, the rest of the morning.  When the phlebotomist came to take my blood she looked at me sympathetically and asked how I felt.  I let her know that I was pretty uncomfortable.  So while she was taking my blood she asked if I took an at home test, and I told her I did, and that it was positive.  She congratulated me.  Then I got an ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech said 'yep, you have a moderate case of hyperstimulation.  See all this fluid here, here and here?  And see how big your ovaries are?'  Yep, that was nice.  Then I talked to the nurse.  Then I talked to the first RE (not mine specifically) and he felt my stomach, where he could feel the fluid.  He told me that he wanted to wait to let me go home until they have my complete blood count back, to make sure that I didn't need an IV.  So they let me chill out in a room, where I laid back and relaxed.  The nurse brought me water and snacks, and checked on me often.  Then my RE stopped in and talked to me about hyperstim and also checked out my stomach.  It was really nice, they were all so concerned, it was cute.  So a while later my RE came back in, said everything looked pretty good (mainly I wasn't overly dehydrated, sounds kinda backwards, doesn't it?) and I could go home, with orders to take it easy and drink lots of fluids, including gatorade.

I wasn't 10 minutes out the door when the RE called me.  He said he looked at my labs again, and my Albumin (I think?) was low, and if I could come back he really wanted to give me an IV with some Albumin, he thought it may help my discomfort, and help my body release the fluids.  So I turned around and went back.  I ended up talking to the first RE I had talked to that morning, the RE that did my transfer, and my RE.  They all kept stopping in to check on me while I was getting my IV.  Even the nurse mentioned that I was a popular patient that morning.  They all talked about my positive pregnancy test, and how hyperstimulation tends to get worse when you get pregnant.  They were all so darn awesome.  Right before I left was when they got my beta numbers back, and I talked to my RE about them.  He's really happy with where they are.  I go in for my second beta next Thursday to make sure all is doubling OK, then my first ultrasound a week and 1/2 after that, at which time we'll hear the heartbeat and be released to my OB/Gyn.

Um, Wow.  I'm really pregnant.  I'm carrying K's baby.  It's still so surreal, I'm not sure it's fully sank in yet.

So, in case you didn't believe me, enjoy this picture of what OHSS looks like:

And to top it off, one of my employees asked if I was pregnant today.  Yikes.  I just told her I had high hormone levels and was therefore retaining fluid, and we were trying to take care of it.  Guess I'm not gonna be able to hide it for very long, am I?!

And because I haven't posted recent pictures, say Hi to the soon to be big sister!


I feel like I have so much more to say, but I can't seem to get my thoughts together.  I'm exhausted.  I think that's a mix of early pregnancy, progesterone and hyperstimulation.  Fun times.

(OHSS aka Hyperstimulation - This happens when estrogen levels get high and your body has a difficult time releasing fluids, so they accumulate in the open spaces.  If one becomes pregnant, the HCG released in pregnancy causes the effects of OHSS to intensify and sometimes get worse before it gets better.  In mild and moderate cases, this ends up being mainly in your stomach.  They can drain it if it gets bad enough.  In severe cases it can accumulate around your heart and in your lungs, and can cause hospitalization and even be fatal.  The walls in your body can become permeable.  I don't know all the scientific mumbo jumbo, but that's the gist of it in plain english.  I have moderate OHSS, so it's really uncomfortable but not life threatening.)  

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Excited. Amazed. Love.

So.  I don't even really know where to begin this post to be honest.  I think I've mentioned before that I'm having some symptoms.  It started last Sunday with the insane craving for Clausen pickles.  yes, it had to be Clausens.  I've eaten almost 3 jars in a week.

Then Monday I started feeling some twinges.  Those came and went for the next few days.  I got bloated, then it got better (although the pregnant looking tummy stayed) and now I'm bloated again (I mean, it feels like my stomach wants to explode out my sides).  I've started struggling with some heartburn.  I'm finding myself very tired, but at times I cannot sleep.  I've started waking up 2 or 3 times a night to pee.

Can anyone see where I'm going?

So on Friday, I peed on an OPK.  I've heard that they can work as a pregnancy test.  But see, the thing is I promised K that I wouldn't POAS without his agreement to do so.  So I figured that since it wasn't really a pregnancy test it didn't count, right?  Well, these OPK's were expired.  Like WAY expired.  Like 2009 expired.  I found them when we moved, they were from back when we were trying to conceive our first, before we knew the score, before we knew we needed IVF with ICSI.  And 2 beautiful lines showed up.  Whoa.  But hey, it's SO expired, and they came up kinda fast, so I'm totally not buying it.

Yesterday we were at Target and I got a wave of nausea.  Like I thought I was gonna toss my cookies.  It hung around for a few minutes and went away.  Of course I told K about it.  I asked him about testing, he didn't want to.  He said it was like a kid on Christmas morning, but Christmas isn't until Friday (day of my beta blood test).  I told him that Christmas was really this weekend.  He didn't agree.

We went out last night with S, you may remember her as she is one of the other mommas that I donated my frozen breast milk to.  Her daughter is now 17 months, and she and her husband were in town (without their 4 kids) for a conference.  So Nana babysat and we went out.  Late.  We didn't get home until after 1:00.  I was the DD and the other 3 had some drinks.  It was a lot of fun!

Bug woke me up a little earlier than normal today.  I let K sleep as he had a bit to drink and had to work today.  I lay in bed listening to Bug chattering in her crib for about 20 minutes.

Then I couldn't take it anymore, because I KNEW.  Just like I knew our first IVF failed.  I KNEW.  So I did it.  I took a test.  I'm 10dp3dt (10 days past 3 day transfer).  On the early side but not too early.  I tried hard not to stare at the stick.  But there it showed up.  A bit light still, but it's there. The picture below is hard to see it in.  But it's there.  Positive.  POSITIVE!  I'm pregnant!!

I climbed on the bed and whispered in K's ear that he could be mad at me if he wanted.  He was all like 'what?' in his sleep.  So I told him he was gonna be a daddy again, that I'm pregnant, and I proceeded to cry.  He smiled so big.

OMG, I'm pregnant.  I can't seem to stop saying it over and over.  To think it over and over.  To just touch my tummy and know what is going on.  I can't quite wrap my brain around it yet.  I'm amazed, happier than words can say.  I keep thanking God.  The fear creeps in just a little that it won't last, but really, very little can stop the way I am feeling right now.

Thank you all for your support!  It's been amazing.  I can't wait to keep you all up on the continuing saga!


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Don't Ignore

So, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  The campaign asks bloggers to start a blog with the words Don't Ignore.  So, here goes.

Don't ignore your Heart.  So many of us that deal with Infertility learn to put our feelings in a place where they are unreachable.   It's a protection really, and I'm well known to do it myself.  But we must remember not to ignore our heart, ignore those feelings when they need to creep up.  We need to allow ourselves to feel, to really feel, what infertility is doing to us, what it is taking away.  That raw open wound that is easier to hide away, but facing it allows you to grow from the experience and move on as necessary.  It allows you to say Goodbye to those little souls you've lost, to those babies that could have been.  It allows you to keep moving forward, pushing towards your goal.

Don't ignore Hope.  This is a tough one.  Without hope we can't make it through.  With hope we are torn down  time and time again.  Without it we think we can move through the motions of making a baby with nothing attached to it.  With it we allow ourselves to put everything we have into doing what must be done, into doing all the things that may just work for us even if they haven't worked for someone else.  (or maybe they have, and that's why we're trying it).

I wish I could write as eloquently as so many of the bloggers that I follow.  When I think of these posts, it seems like I can get my thoughts all straightened out, but when I put it 'on paper' it never comes out just right.  I don't know if I really get my point across sometimes.  This is no different, but what I'm trying to say is that without heart, and without hope, the attempts are so much more difficult.  Yes, easier in some ways because you can distance yourself.  But in the long run that is so bad.  After months or years it wears you down and will eventually break you.  If you remember to let your feelings have their time and place, if you remember to keep hoping when it seems impossible, then you will be able to make the right treatment decisions for your given situation, and then you will be able to live with those decisions and the possible outcomes.

Please remember those in your lives that do not have children.  If they've never told you it's because they don't want children, then that may not be the case.  They may have spent much time struggling to reach that dream that for some is so difficult to reach.  They may still be trying, they may be mid treatment cycle, they may have just failed another, or maybe even just found out the last one worked but they're not ready to tell yet.  They may have recently suffered a miscarriage, or another miscarriage.  They may have finally chosen to live child free.  They may be struggling on the path to adoption, waiting for the call to come.  One never knows the struggles that someone is going through, and this is one of the most difficult there is.  It's life changing in so many ways.  It makes relationships stronger and breaks them up.  It wipes out savings accounts, racks up debt, keeps someone from buying a house, going back to school, taking a dream vacation, or quitting the job they hate; maybe even to be a stay at home parent to their first miracle.

Don't ignore the human side of infertility.  It's not all about stats, it's all about people and their dreams.

Monday, April 23, 2012

The wait drags on

It seems like this two week wait is dragging on. So slow. Like really slow. I mean, like molasses. Did I mention it's going slow? It's funny how this cycle is coming along so different. From the get go. I mean, the first time around we had troubles with meds, cancelled cycles, the full cycle didn't go well. The day before the transfer we were ready to transfer 3 because they looked so bad. Then none made it to freeze. I played it safe after the transfer, took it easy for 4 days, didn't lift anything heavy. This time around we had a great cycle, a smooth retrieval and transfer of 2 beautiful embies. 6 made it to freeze on transfer day (at the cleave stage) and 4 more made it to freeze on Saturday at the blast stage. (last time they all died before they reached blast stage). I hardly relaxed for 1 day (it's hard with a toddler around!) but managed to not really lift her on day 1. Day 2 was a different story, I went back to work, picked her up from daycare, and then K got sick. Yep, he caught the fun strep throat I had 2 weeks ago - apparently it has a 2 week incubation period. But I digress.

 So, I'm bloated. Like really bloated. I've gained a couple of pounds, but I LOOK pregnant. I think I may call the RE tomorrow and just ask about OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome). I've been a little short of breath, nothing bad, but that with the bloating, I'm just wondering. But that gives me even more hope, because this weekend would have been implantation. If I get pregnant, then the OHSS will get a little worse, and I didn't have the symptoms before. So I'm hoping that this means HCG is starting to course through my system while one or both of my babies snuggle in for a good long haul. Blood work isn't until a week from Thursday. I'm considering peeing on a stick this weekend. I just don't know if I can do it, I want to know so bad. Plus next Thursday I have to travel for work, so I'd have to ask to either do it a day early or postpone the test a day, because I don't want to get bad news and have to drive. I just don't know what to do.

 On another note, I had an interview for my boss' position on Friday. I still think he's got someone external picked out, so I asked him if I didn't get it to give me some advise, he said keep doing what I'm doing as I'm a shining star and have a great future there (woot) and to get my masters. Some of you may remember when I took my GMAT late last year (and didn't do very well), but then the new job happened, and the move, and I just haven't made it happen. So I will, soon. Fall or Spring, and that's scary with (hopefully) 2 kids at home (or maybe 3, who knows!!) Ahhh, the joys of life.

Thursday, April 19, 2012


So yesterday when the embryologist called they said that there were 15 embryos that were still dividing and looking good.  8 of them looked really good at 4 cells or more.  So, they decided on transfer this morning.

So we got there about 11:15 with a VERY FULL BLADDER.  Man do I hate that part.  They did the transfer probably around noonish, and we transferred 2 beautiful embryos.  1 that was 8 cells and 1 that was 9 cells.  They said that there were so many that looked so good it was hard for them to choose which ones to transfer.

When they took me back for the transfer it was really neat, because they showed the embryo's up on a big screen that we could see, so we watched them suck them up into the catheter.  And cue tears.  Yep, I'm nice and emotional because of all this and the progesterone.  I laid flat for 20 minutes, then finally relieved my overfull bladder.  We left, grabbed some lunch, and came home.  I've been just relaxing all day.  Mom's here now helping play with Bug as K had to work (he's flight instructing now, have I mentioned that?!), and I want to take it easy.  Except I had to go to the bathroom earlier, and it was a bit, um, tough, so now I'm all freaked out.  But it'll be OK.

So they froze 6 embryo's today, and have 8 more that they're going to watch for a couple of days and freeze what they can.  Once all are frozen they'll send me an email detailing everything out.

I'm so hopeful it's scary.  I just pray that it doesn't all come crashing down.  But if it does, I know that we can make it through it as a family - K, Bug, me and God.

K isn't home to give me my PIO shot on time, so either I have to take it late, or hit up the nurses next door that I only kinda know and see if one of them will give it... I think I might try the nurses.  Plus I'm taking doxycycline (hates my stomach) and Medrol (to help keep my body from rejecting the embabies).

Welcome to the hellish Two Week Wait.  Blood test is exactly 2 weeks from today.

It seems like a lifetime.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Fertilization Report

So the embryologist called at about 8:30 this morning to give me the fertilization report.  25 eggs were removed, one fractured which she said was normal when there's a lot of eggs.  Of the 24 remaining, 20 were mature, so they ICSI'd all 20.

Because we have male factor infertility, and it's really not good (he doesn't have a lot, they are misshapen (think multiple heads/tails), don't swim well if at all, and aren't very strong), we do IVF with ICSI.  Normal IVF is where they put the egg and the sperm in a dish together and let them do their thing.  IVF with ICSI is where they actually inject the sperm directly into the egg.  So the sperm doesn't need to be able to swim well, doesn't need to be able to break into the egg, etc.

So, out of the 20 that were mature and ICSI'd, 16 of them fertilized normally.  These are good numbers compared to our last IVF (12 mature eggs, only 7 fertilized normally and those were all slow growers).  Now, I don't know yet how these babies are doing, they were all at 1 cell this morning, but that is exactly where they expected them to be.  So I'll hear more tomorrow, and I'll know tomorrow if we are going to do a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

On a side note, we started the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots tonight.  They weren't fun, but the worst part was the initial poke.  K had a REALLY hard time doing them though, he said he really felt the shot going in through fat and muscle and it kinda skeeved him out.  Hopefully he won't have any problems continuing to give me these shots.

As I've been all talk about IVF lately, on the Bug front... She wanted daddy to put her to bed tonight which is why I am getting a minute to do a post.  She found crayons, really found them, today during the day.  She's been pretty uninterested in them before now, but today she colored all over the glider stool and two walls.

Welcome to toddler hood LOL.  guess we'll be buying some Mr Clean Magic Erasers - I've heard they work well on crayon on walls!!

Monday, April 16, 2012


First I want to thank everyone for their loving comments lately.  I know I haven't been as good a commenter as I like to be, and I apologize for that!

So, this morning was retrieval.  It went really well!  We dropped bug off at around 7am, got to the docs just about 8:15 (yes, traffic is THAT bad for the trip from daycare to the RE's - it should only be about a 35 minute drive, or 55 from the house).  First we went back and talked to the nurse about what will go on in the next few weeks.

Mainly the PIO shots.  PIO = Progesterone in Oil.  This shit looks MEAN.  I mean really, who wants to inject a SLOW moving oil into their body Every.  Single.  Night?  I don't care, if it means that a pregnancy will hold, I'll take it.  Back in 2008 we did vaginal progesterone suppositories.  For what it's worth, those had their own issues.  The one I took I had to insert 3 times a day, and it spent the next few hours slowly dripping out.  Yep, it was fun.  Anyways, she explained that once we get a fetal heartbeat (God willing this works) then we may be able to switch to a suppository.  Either way, she marked my back on where K should give the shots, explained things to watch/call her for.  She talked about the estrogen patches, the Medrol (to help keep my body from rejecting the embryo) and the doxycycline I'll have to take around transfer as well.

I sat there with ovaries that felt like melons and listened to this, and it really made everything feel real.  I was nervous, nervous that there wouldn't be any eggs, nervous that all this won't work.

Then they took me back to my pre op room, did all my vitals, got in my IV.  I walked to the OR and climbed up on the bed.  The Nurse Anesthetist gave me the first of 2 drugs and I felt a little happy woozy.  Then they got my arms in position, my legs in position.  I remember the Anesthetist mentioning something about the next med, and the last 2 things I remember was the RE coming in and two nurses talking about the leg stirrup thing being loose.  The next thing I remember is waking up back in my pre-op room.

They caught 25 eggs.  I was sore, came home and napped, but feeling pretty good now.  I get one more night of no shots, then I start the PIO tomorrow night.  I will find out tomorrow morning how many eggs were mature, and the fertilization report.  I will talk to the embryologist every day until my transfer, which will either be Thursday or Saturday.  This office advises no bed rest - basically they say it will work or it won't, and bed rest won't change that.

I'm praying for these little eggs, that by now should be my little embryo's, my little babies.  They let me keep my necklace on the whole time.  Let me tell you why this is important.

The first mothers day after our IVF back in 2008 failed, K got me this necklace.  It's the birthstone for our two little babies that never made it.  Our two little babies that made us PARENTS.  They have been here, watching over me this entire cycle.  They were there today, keeping their arms wrapped around my eggs, and will be there the day of transfer.

Just a few more days and I will be Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Hopefully in 3 weeks(ish) I will bet getting a blood test that tells me that I am pregnant.  I'm feeling vulnerable right now, and I just keeping praying to God that this is all meant to be, that this will be our second take home baby.

Sunday, April 15, 2012


So yesterday morning we went in for another ultrasound and bloodwork.  There were TONS and TONS of follies on both sides, and my estrogen was at 2969.  The RE I saw said that he felt there would be about 10 - 16 mature by Monday.


I triggered last night at 10:00pm.  We have to be at the RE at 8:30am tomorrow morning for a 10:00 am retrieval.

I have to be honest, it almost doesn't seem real to me right now.  To us really.  After all we dealt with back in 2008 with IVF it's amazing that our first try at a cycle with a brand new RE is going so good.  It scares me a little that it'll all fall apart, but I'm keeping the hope that it won't.  I POAS this morning, and of course since you trigger with HCG it was positive.  I wanted to make sure it was.  I packed the second test away in hopes that I'll be using it in a couple of weeks for another, better positive.  I want this to work so bad, but every day I pray to God and let him know that I know his will will happen, and that there's nothing I can do about it, and that I accept that no matter how hard it is/will be.  I just hope hope hope it works out the way I want it to, the way I pray it will.

So yesterday, on top of the appointment and trigger, was my birthday.  I turned 32.  I've never really been a big birthday person, although since I was pregnant on my 30th they have been better.  Nana babysat and we went out to dinner, and then bought me a couple of new work shirts that I needed.  Nothing real exciting, but it was a TON of fun.  So nice to get out of the house.  Plus we needed to keep me up until 10 for the trigger, which I've been unsuccessful in doing lately (the hormones just wear me the heck out).

So I'm a bundle of nerves about everything, but at the same time strangely calm.  I don't know if that even makes sense, and I sure can't explain it.  I'm just hoping and praying for the best, and keeping my head held high.  The money is paid, we are now here.  This is it - our last shot at having a baby that looks like the both of us.  I'm at peace with that decision, and whatever decision we make if it doesn't work.  But that doesn't mean it's easy, because it's not.  I'm emotional over it.  But then I look at my bank account and know that financially and emotionally this being the last shot is the right thing.

Deep breathing.  Hopefully tomorrow goes smooth.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Ultrasound and Bloodwork x2

So this morning we had our second u/s and b/w since starting stims last Friday.  So it was after 6 days of stims, since tonight will be our 7th day.  It went better than anticipated.  My estrogen levels were just under 900, which is AMAZING for me.  One follicle (follie) was at about 16, and then 8 more on the right and 6 more on the left that they feel will be mature when we retrieve.  Saturday is our next appt, possible retrieval Monday.

I.  Am.  So.  Excited!!!!!  (now if I can just get rid of this cold.  Yep, you heard me right.  Now I have a cold too.  Can't catch a break)