Friday, March 30, 2012

True Story

So, K was gone the other night.  Bug was a big cranky butt (I'm thinking the terrible two's are starting :-) - she's got staying power with her temper tantrums!!

Anyways, we had egg burritos for dinner.  She tore hers all apart and LOVED on the sour cream.  That's my girl!!  Her orange shirt looked nice and blotched with white after.  She tears off her bibs, so I've mostly given up on putting them on.  Anyways, she stole a bit of the burrito shell and took it down from the high chair with her.  I let her, since she'd been such a pill all night.  A bit later she was fussing again, so I picked her up, and her hand went right down my shirt to my nipple.  yep, she's still doing that.

A few minutes later I put her down and was walking through the kitchen.  I realized that my nipple felt cold.  So, I peeked down my shirt and what did I find in my bra??

Burrito shell.  Soft taco shell, whatever you call it.

You can't make this stuff up :-)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

All in the Garbage

So, tonight I was busy thawing some of Bugs frozen breast milk for her before bed sippy.  I look over and see her standing looking in the garbage.  Here's what followed:

Me - Hun, can you get her out of the garbage please?
K - Sure.
...He takes a look in the garbage....
K - Oh Bug, you don't like your shoes anymore?
....He pulls out her 2 week old pair of shoes....
K - Oh, and you don't want us to watch TV anymore?
....He pulls out the remote control to the TV....
K - and I guess you also don't want me to drive anymore?
....He pulls out his car keys....
Me - I swear I was watching her while you showered.
....Yeah, she was being independent so I was reading blogs on my phone.... totally missed her walking by me with all those items and throwing them away..... OOPS!!!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The joys of hormones

It was a rough weekend.  I was being a completely irrational human being, and I knew it but couldn't seem to stop myself.  K handled it pretty well, for the most part letting it go each time.  There were a few that upset him, and we fought a little, but nothing real bad.  I couldn't even tell you what about.  I just know that I'm taking everything he says personally, even though he's just being, well, him.  He tends to pick on me a lot, and when I'm hormonal I just don't take it well.  So normally I just struggle a little with it, but now it's like I can't seem to remember that he's just picking on me.

Last week at our counseling session we did 30 mins of one on one.  So K told me later that during his time she asked him how he could best support me through this.  He admitted that he could probably pick on me and mock me less.  She advised him that was a good idea.

One of his biggest defense mechanisms to stress is to be funny.  So, the more I get stressed and react negatively to his picking, the worse his picking gets.  Or is that just me thinking it's getting worse?  Who knows.

About 1/2 way through the day it got better.  Probably because I took a cat nap with bug (a late one as she didn't want to nap today).  So, that exhaustion hasn't gotten any better, that's for sure.  And it's not helping!!

Ah well, tis life.  Keep up with the suppression this week.  Hoping that AF shows her face around mid week, but I'm not holding my breath.  If she hasn't shown by Thursday I have to call the RE.  Otherwise, my baseline ultrasound is set for Friday morning, and I hopefully will start Stims Friday night.  Over the weekend K and I have to head to Indiana, my Uncle is doing our taxes.  Nana is watching Bug though, so we get two nights to us.  I think the timing is perfect, I think we could use it to try to refresh mid IVF cycle.

Friday, March 23, 2012

oh suppression how i love thee

First, if you are visiting from ICLW, welcome! I always love finding new blogs!

So I took my 4th suppression shot last night. The fun side effects that I so remembered are creeping back up. I'm having a tough time waking up because I'm so exhausted. I'm a little warmer than normal, but no full blown hot flashes yet. I'm dealing with some constipation. And the dreams!

Last night I dreamt about a girl I'm no longer friends with. We were out with some of my other friends and she got a tomato. She went to say hi to another friend and while she was gone I chowed on her tomato. So I went to find her and give her a couple bucks because I ate her tomato. She was sitting with these other people and had gotten dinner and was drunk, and was all mad at me for eating her tomato and not joining her for dinner.

Um, ok. This girl was my drinking buddy back when and we haven't talked in years. It broke my heart that she drank so much, even though I did too, because she would drive, and she had two young boys ay home (this was before bug was born). I realized she was a bad influence and stopped seeing her. I recently found out she got a DUI late last year and lost her license. Then she got a drunk and disorderly walking home drunk one night after losing her license. All of this made her lose her job because she's a teacher. I think maybe this is why she was in my dream? Who knows. Craziness.

Sorry for any typos, as I'm on my phone. Off to another day!

Monday, March 19, 2012

and it begins!

I'm posting from my phone, so this will be quick. I got my blood taken today to have my progesterone checked.

All looked good!

K gave me my first lupron shot tonight. Now I just wait for my baseline ultrasound on the 30th.


Friday, March 16, 2012

Here goes nothing!

I know I've been a bit of a slacker... it's been hard to blog because I used to do it at work (I know, bad Emms).  But they locked down our filters tighter and I can no longer post from work.  So I have to try to squeeze it in between when Bug goes to bed and when we do, but of course there's other things to be done during that time.

It's been a month since we weaned.  We are doing good, and this week bug slept through the night. Every. Single. Night.  I'm amazed, speechless, and for the first time since early in pregnancy, somewhat well rested!

Last week I had my HSG.  All was clear and beautiful.  Wasn't too painful at all.

This Tuesday K and I had our first counseling appointment.  We agreed to do it while going through fertility treatments, and I'm glad.  It went well, and I think it will help keep the lines of communication open during this trying time.

Today I had my yearly with a new ob/gyn since moving.  I liked her, although not quite as much as the one that took care of me while pregnant.  I think it's for that reason- she cared for me during pregnancy, which was such an extra special time!

Then I came home to receive the shipment of our meds.  Lupron, Follistim, Estrogen patches, doxycycline, Medrol, Novaril, tylenol with Codeine and masses of syringes.  It's real now.  Monday morning at 7:00am I go in for blood work to verify that I ovulated.  I'm POSITIVE that I did.  I don't normally feel ovulation, but after dealing with primary infertility, I know the signs.  I have heard that after an HSG a woman is very fertile, and I see why.  This month my signs were multiplied (egg white CM en masse) and I actually felt myself ovulating.

So, when Monday's bloodwork shows that I ovulated, they will call me.  I will then begin the injections.  Lupron starts Monday and will be it until I get my next AF, which should be at the end of the month.  Then a baseline ultrasound to make sure that all looks good in there.

I'm excited to get this show on the road.  I look forward to trying to make another baby, one with K's features as well as my own.

I'm nervous.  It's a lot of emotions and finances in this.

I'm scared to death.  What if it doesn't work?  We've failed before.  We've agreed one try at IVF, what if we don't get any totsicles and the one try fails?  I want this so bad I can taste it.  But I'm breathing deep and trying to stay grounded.  I will do my best to take any blows that come our way in stride, to not let my jacked up hormonal emotions go off the deep end.

I will remain positive.

This will work.

Sunday, March 4, 2012


It's been just over a week. I think that Bug is officially weaned. She's handling it pretty well, although whenever she's stressed, tired, or hurts herself her hand still goes right down my shirt and frantically moves around until she finds my boob, my nipple. And it calms her. So it's nice to know that I still can calm her with my boobs LOL.

The other day I think I realized one of the reasons why weaning her was so hard for ME. K is still at home with her everyday, so she prefers him right now. It still breaks my heart, but I know that as time goes on it'll change. Sometimes she'll prefer him, sometimes it'll be me. I've accepted that.

But weaning. That was still my thing. It was when she always wanted me, no matter what. It was the comfort that I could give her when nothing else worked, and it always worked. It was our time together that K was never a part of, and never could be. After work she would take my hand and lead me to the glider, where we always nursed. She loved those moments, and so did I. I was comforting her the other night just by rocking her when it hit me. K was playing with her hand to help, and I asked him to stop. I wanted those moments. I explained to him that by weaning her I had given up something so special. He understood.

I still wish that I could've nursed longer. I still wish that I could have let HER decide when it was time to stop. I still wish that we were still nursing. But the pain is lessened. I still cry sometimes, but it doesn't hurt as bad as time is wearing on. As I get geared up and excited to start the IVF process to try to make her a sibling. It's easier knowing that's why I made the decision. But as I type this I can feel the tears in my eyes, so I know it's still fresh that I made a very difficult decision, but for all the right reasons.

I still laugh at the time that I thought I would NEVER nurse past a year. Then when I kept going I thought to myself 'by 18 months, no matter what.' At the end I know I wouldn't have stopped if she wasn't ready. At the end I knew that I would've kept going until 2 years, maybe even 3 years. I think that there would've been an eventual cut off for me, but obviously I was proven wrong on that thought a couple of times, so I'm not so sure that I wouldn't have gone until later than 2 or 3. I'll never know, and I'm coming to terms with that.

I think another reason is that if I do get to have another baby, I don't know how that relationship will be. Bug was always so gentle, once we got it down. She only bit once when she got teeth. She loved it as much as I did. Will a second? I don't know, but I sure hope so. I really do. But if not, then I know that I've gotten to have something that is so special. That I gave her the best for as long as I could.

The best part? I saved some frozen milk from my days pumping. It's in a deep freeze so good up to a year. Every night before bed that's the milk she gets now. So she still gets some of mommy, she still gets that goodness for a bit longer.

That makes me happy, and a proud mommy.