It's been just over a week. I think that Bug is officially weaned. She's handling it pretty well, although whenever she's stressed, tired, or hurts herself her hand still goes right down my shirt and frantically moves around until she finds my boob, my nipple. And it calms her. So it's nice to know that I still can calm her with my boobs LOL.
The other day I think I realized one of the reasons why weaning her was so hard for ME. K is still at home with her everyday, so she prefers him right now. It still breaks my heart, but I know that as time goes on it'll change. Sometimes she'll prefer him, sometimes it'll be me. I've accepted that.
But weaning. That was still my thing. It was when she always wanted me, no matter what. It was the comfort that I could give her when nothing else worked, and it always worked. It was our time together that K was never a part of, and never could be. After work she would take my hand and lead me to the glider, where we always nursed. She loved those moments, and so did I. I was comforting her the other night just by rocking her when it hit me. K was playing with her hand to help, and I asked him to stop. I wanted those moments. I explained to him that by weaning her I had given up something so special. He understood.
I still wish that I could've nursed longer. I still wish that I could have let HER decide when it was time to stop. I still wish that we were still nursing. But the pain is lessened. I still cry sometimes, but it doesn't hurt as bad as time is wearing on. As I get geared up and excited to start the IVF process to try to make her a sibling. It's easier knowing that's why I made the decision. But as I type this I can feel the tears in my eyes, so I know it's still fresh that I made a very difficult decision, but for all the right reasons.
I still laugh at the time that I thought I would NEVER nurse past a year. Then when I kept going I thought to myself 'by 18 months, no matter what.' At the end I know I wouldn't have stopped if she wasn't ready. At the end I knew that I would've kept going until 2 years, maybe even 3 years. I think that there would've been an eventual cut off for me, but obviously I was proven wrong on that thought a couple of times, so I'm not so sure that I wouldn't have gone until later than 2 or 3. I'll never know, and I'm coming to terms with that.
I think another reason is that if I do get to have another baby, I don't know how that relationship will be. Bug was always so gentle, once we got it down. She only bit once when she got teeth. She loved it as much as I did. Will a second? I don't know, but I sure hope so. I really do. But if not, then I know that I've gotten to have something that is so special. That I gave her the best for as long as I could.
The best part? I saved some frozen milk from my days pumping. It's in a deep freeze so good up to a year. Every night before bed that's the milk she gets now. So she still gets some of mommy, she still gets that goodness for a bit longer.
That makes me happy, and a proud mommy.