Monday, October 24, 2011

Thank you!

First, I missed my 100th post!  So I just want to say Thank you for following our story :-)

Also, HUGE Thank You's to everyone who commented on my last post.  It has been getting better, still not great, but better.  We ended up on a second antibiotic, and this one seems like maybe it's helping.  Plus, tooth number 6 is about to come through.

So, I took today off, as a much needed Mommy day.  I took Bug to daycare (she woke up around 5:40, after waking up twice) and came home and took a nice bath, with a cup of hot tea.  As soon as I'm done with this post I am heading off to the spa for a well deserved massage (thank you to Bug's God Mother, A!), then home to nap.  Today is MY day, and I will not spend time cleaning, or doing things for everyone else.  After my last 2 weeks I think I need this.  Plus, this will make a much happier (and hopefully more rested) Mama, which will make a happier Bug!

So, here's to taking care of ourselves Mama's, we do not tend to do it very often because we have no problem laying down everything to take care of those that we love.  BUT, we deserve it! 

(just to note, it took a gift card that I won't be able to use once I move to force myself to do this LOL)

Have a great week everyone!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I just need to complain...

I hate doing so, even though I do it.  It makes me feel guilty, ungrateful for the blessing that God decided to give me in Bug, something I wanted so bad, something I worked so hard for.  I am SO grateful though, but in this little space of mine on the net, I need to let out some steam.

I'm tired.  God am I tired.  I'm 'I have a newborn' tired, and my baby girl is 15 months old.

It all started a few weeks back when she wasn't feeling well, and there was some teething mixed in (she finally got teeth 4 and 5).  So we had some rough sleep weeks, but K and I split the time, so we were tired, but it was OK.

Bug ended up going to the Dr twice for this illness, and they finally put her on an antibiotic because they couldn't figure out why she wasn't beating this thing, whatever it was.  I think that tooth 6 is trying to work its way in too.

Then K left.  A little over a week ago.  For this 35 or so day training out of state.  So I went into this trip of his already tired, but no biggie, I've done this before.  Right?

Well, since he's been gone, Bug has gotten up a MINIMUM of 3 times EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  Not only that, but each time she's up it's for around 45 minutes, with one of the times every night being for somewhere between 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  (and we all know that if the baby is up for 45 mins, it ends up being an hour for you by the time you pee, get back into bed, get settled and actually fall back asleep.  For me, the longer wake ups are worse and then take some time to fall back to sleep - even though I'm exhausted) The worst part is when she is up for this time it's not just awake, it's screaming and crying.  It's not wanting to be held but not wanting to be put down.  It's 'I'll make you think I fell asleep, let you put me in the crib, go pee, climb back into bed, get settled and JUST start to fall asleep, THEN I'll start screaming again to let you know I'm really still awake and pissed off.'  I'm finding myself nursing sometimes 2x a waking just to help her calm down, and maybe get back to sleep.

On top of not sleeping, she's not eating either.  She'll maybe take a bite or two of things, but that's all.  She'll take a sippy of milk, but only a little bit.  What she does want?  To Nurse.  A Lot.  I guess it's a good thing that I hadn't gotten to the point of fully weaning her (and myself) since she's nursing lots more these days.  But my nips hurt.

When I pick bug up from daycare, she just wants to cry and be held too.  I love holding her, don't get me wrong, but it makes it hard to change clothes, eat, etc.  And holding her while sitting down is not good enough, I have to be standing up and walking around.  Then she'll claw and scratch at me as she tries to get at my boobs, even if I just nursed her.

She keeps banging her head on things.  The side of the crib, the floor, the wall.  She hits it so hard she starts screaming, and leaves red marks.  (yes, all of this has been discussed with the doctor, but I'm going to call again since we've now been through a round of antibiotics).

Know how things that are OK when you're OK suddenly seem intolerable when you're running on a mere fraction of the sleep that your body requires? 

That's where I'm at.  But, multiplied by 9 nights so far.  Every little thing makes me want to break down and cry.  I am getting frustrated in the middle of the night when she won't go back to sleep.  (don't worry, it just ends with me in tears, holding her until she finally passes back out).  I'm yelling at stupid drivers on the road, I'm having a hard time concentrating at work.

I have a history of headaches and migraines.  Other than during pregnancy, I have been able to keep the migraines at bay for years.  In fact, the headaches in general have been pretty good.  Well, the last 5 or so days I've had a headache everyday.  Last night it reached migraine levels, and there is little I can take since I'm still BFing.  (at least that works for me).  I know it's because I'm stressed, my allergies are kicking up with the season change, but a huge factor is lack of sleep.  I can tell my tank is on E.  Last night's first wake up I had to call K and have him sing to her and try to calm her down, because I was curled up in a ball, dizzy, nauseous, and ready to puke from my headache.

My house is a mess.  The only reason dishes aren't piled in the sink is because we've gone out for dinner the last couple of nights, and I've given up trying to do much until I know she's gonna eat, so I try easy things first so I don't waste time and dishes.  I haven't been able to study, because my baby girl comes first, always.

K has only been gone about 9 days.  We still have a MINIMUM of 26 to go.  Oh yeah, and we'll be moving within a week after he gets home.  I start my new job in just over a week.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed and alone right now.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

2006, Year 7

As it's been a while, I'm going to point you back to some of my other posts, especially in case you haven't read any of them thus far.  So, you can go to Year 6, Year 5 and Year 4.  Year 4 has the links to the prior years in it.

So, since I tortured poor K in my last post, I guess it's time to laugh at myself!!

Sometime in 2004 K finally got sick of listening to me talk about how much I loved Europe (I had been there twice) and said to me 'if you love it so much, why don't we just go!'  So, I spent the next year and a half saving money and planning a 3 week trip for just the 2 of us.  We did it in May/June 2006 as a graduation present to ourselves.  We both worked full time through college, and he graduated in 2005 and I did in 2006 (after 8 looooong years, but 3 degrees!).

We travelled all around while we were there.  I didn't know if I would ever get him to go back, so I wanted to try to take him to as many the places that I loved as possible, in hopes that he would also fall in love.  (he did - we can't wait to go back!).  We are big wine drinkers, so we hit the Champagne region, and one of their many wine regions. 

For the wine region, we went to the city of Dijon.  Yes, also known for their mustard!  We decided to rent bikes and ride through their 'rue de vin' (or whatever it was called) and find wineries to stop in and try wine, and buy what we wanted.

As a side note here, we had actually budgeted a decent amount of money for duties on bringing back wine, as if I remember correctly, between the 2 of us we only got like 3 bottles duty free, and we knew we wanted to bring back more than that.

So, we rode around and stopped at a few vineyards.  We were having a blast, tasting wines and picking some to bring home that were not sold in the states.  The last vineyard that we found was a little, out of the way, family run place.  It was actually really hard to find and we almost gave up.  I'm glad we didn't - the wine was AMAZING.  They didn't import to the US at all, so we brought home a number of their bottles.  The owner was super nice, and ended up giving us a ton of wine to taste/drink while we were there.  Which of course, by that point, we weren't spitting it out anymore, we were just enjoying.  So when we left and hopped on our bikes, we both realized that we had a buzz.

I promise we are not alcoholics, even though these 2 years involve drinking!!!

So, we are riding on our way back into Dijon, and we come into this little town with a town center.  We decide to stop here (I think maybe I had to pee or something?  I don't remember).  So, I pull into the town center (K is behind me) and they have these HUGE cement planters all around the square.  I decide, in my infinite drunken wisdom, that I can totally just come to a stop by plopping a foot down on one of these planters.

Can anyone see where this is leading?

I miss and my foot slides off.  Of course, I've got some moment from being on the bike, so my leg slides all the way down the planter (owie) and I go flying off the bike to land in a pile of Emms next to the planter, with the bike a few feet away. 


Luckily no wine bottles in my backpack break, but the cement burn down my skin was nasty, and bleeding like a son of a b****.  We have nothing to staunch to blood, so it just keeps running, not trickling, down my leg into my sock.  Awesome.  Of course, since I've been drinking, and the cut is on the bone, it's bleeding worse then it probably would have normally.  I might've cried a little, I'm not really sure.

But I sit up and turn around to find K laughing hysterically at my plight, and some townspeople staring at us both like we've gone mad.


I have a scar from that time, and the story that goes with it makes me laugh every time I tell it. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

19 Kids and Counting

So, the other night I was exhausted.  I did some studying for the GMAT, and then watched about 10 mins of TV before crashing out just after 9:00.  Bug hasn't been sleeping well, so that means I haven't been either.

So, I was flipping through the channels, and I knew I only wanted to watch for a few mins, so I didn't want to get hooked into anything.  So, I was looking for something stupid to stare at blankly for 10 mins.  What do I stop on?  19 kids and counting.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why in the world would an infertile choose to watch this show?  I don't know, I'm asking myself the same question.  I've never watched it before, I've always refused based on the obvious. 

I swear my hand had a mind of it's own, and picked the stupid show.  I really did only watch about 10 mins of it, but in that 10 mins I managed to get myself worked up.  How is it, that one single family can have this many children, when so many people out there can't even manage to get pregnant, or carry to term, or hold beyond birth, one child?  Is that really so much to ask for?  Don't get me wrong, I realize that I'm lucky enough to have that one child, even though I do want another. 

But it still pisses me off for my comrades, those soldiers that I fought this war next to that still do not have a child.  Those soldiers that are now trying for number two, those soldiers who had to mourn never having a child, instead choosing to live childless.  Those soldiers who had to mourn never having a 'biological' child, only to realize that their adopted child is.  These soldiers are good people, they deserve the chance to be a parent.  To hold their little one and watch them grow.  To see them off to college, to watch them get married, to help them welcome in their own child.

It's just not fair.  Good for the Duggars, if it's really what they want.  But they don't take care of their own kids, the other kids do!  So now you're forcing children to grow up before their time and become parents to their own siblings.  My big question?  How do they afford it?  Who pays for it all?  At least before the TV show that I'm sure makes them gobs of money.  For God's sake, let it be someone else's turn!!

I just remember too well the pain and heartache and suffering of primary infertility.  I'm remembering it everyday as I struggle with secondary infertility, and the decisions that must be made, just to have a child.  Something that should come naturally, something that no one should have to fight so hard for.  Something that causes so many marriages to fall apart, sometimes that helps to put them back together, and something that causes people to feel like failures as women and men. 

Every day I live with the burdens, skeletons, and choices that infertility left me with.  It's who I am, without it I would be missing something so important and integral to the person that I have become.  I would not trade my experiences, even if I sometimes wish I could go back and make better choices.  I do NOT want to go through it again, but I know that we will come out the other side.

To those still in the trenches, remember how many before you have sat in your shoes and been able to make those difficult choices and come out the other side as a better person.  Remember all those that struggled for more years then you think you could handle, and how in the end they got their miracle(s).  Let it help keep your hope alive, even though hope is sometimes what makes the fall that much more difficult.  Without the hope you will not make it through.  With it, with the knowledge that so many have made it, and with your beliefs (whatever they may be), you will make it through too.  Your time will come.

And please, for God's sake, DO NOT WATCH 19 KIDS AND COUNTING!!!

Sorry, I'm off my soap box now, I think.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

It's official!!

So, after my post yesterday the director that is hiring called me.  They finally worked everything out with HR, and offered me exactly what I needed in order for us to move.  So, it's official!  I will travel to Cleveland 10/31, and that will be my first day.  I will actually physically work out of the Indy office until my start date of 12/1 at Corporate.

I'm excited, and scared to death.  It's doing the same basic job I do now, but it's actually really different.  Plus you add in that it's our corporate office, it's in downtown, I'll have a much longer commute, we still have to find a daycare, yada yada yada.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

House Hunt and serious baby fever

So, our house hunt this weekend went really well.  We spent a LOT of time in the car, drove about 1000 miles total, totally screwed up Bug's naps, but I think we have found our house!  It is just contingent on the owner finding an apartment by November 1, that way if she doesn't we have enough time to try to find a new place.  All of the paperwork in regards to my transfer is still going through, so that kinda sucks as I feel a little like I'm in limbo.  The house we are living in now is up for rent, we are signing all the paperwork for our new place, but the work stuff is still being finalized.  Ugh.

Bug is sick, again still.  She's been getting headaches (hitting her head against things), been real tired and grumpy, and has had this absolutely, horrible, knock you over bad breath.  It's SO bad!  I mean, come on, baby's breath usually smells good!  Man, I am telling you, in the middle of the night when it's at its worst I have to turn my head away from her to get some fresh air sometimes!  So, we took her to the doctor yesterday, they did ANOTHER strep test, and it came back negative.  So, they decided to go ahead and put her on an antibiotic since she's been sick for so long now.  On a good note, tooth number 5 popped through the gum last nigh - and it's a top tooth!  Woo Hoo!  Now I just hope the other top tooth comes through, otherwise I might giggle a little at my cutie pie with 4 bottom teeth and 1 top tooth :-)

K left for his training, boo.  We are going to miss him so much.  It's going to be hard with him gone as I'm still trying to study for my GMAT, which I rescheduled (at the cost of $50 thank you) for the beginning of November.  I needed the extra time to study. 

So, I have 4 people in my life that are pregnant right now.  One is due this month, one is due November (my friend that lost her son!), one is due December, and one is due February.  I'm happy for them, but I'm really feeling the strain of wanting another.  Of course K's lay off and this move are slowing the process down.  I work hard to remind myself that we will get a chance to try again, it's just a matter of time.  The best part about it is that I can cuddle bug and it makes me feel so much better.  I just so badly want to give her a sibling.  It's been a year of unprotected sex again, but I didn't get my cycle back until about 6 months ago (or so).  I know it's not affecting me as bad though, because the sex isn't about baby making.  In fact, it's very strange, it's not like that at all.  I think it's because I've accepted that we'll never get the 'happy accident' together, and I have come to terms with that.  We are still stressing a little about IUI versus IVF, but I really have a feeling we'll go donor sperm IUI, just because we don't want that huge age gap. 

Now that I've gone over a  hodge podge of items, I have to get back to work.  Hope everyone is having a great week!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My Friday

Hi All!

Well, Bug is feeling better, but I think her 2 top teeth may finally be getting ready to come in. She got tooth number 4 just about a week ago... another one on the bottom! Once it comes in a little more I'll try to get a picture of it. Her fever finally went away, but then it turned into this all over body rash that looked HORRIBLE. She is still a little on the irritable side, and not sleeping real great, but we're getting there.

On another note, we are getting ready to go house searching. Someone asked in my post about moving, where we were going. We are going to Cleveland, Ohio. We are excited, but nervous and scared too. Wish us luck!

So we agreed that as soon as we move we are going to find a new RE again, and look at getting the process started. We both agreed that we are about 90% prepared to go donor sperm IUI route, in part because of the timing. We really don't want to wait another 5 years while we get K back to work and save up the money that we are going to be eating away during his lay off. I think he's really excited about it. During dinner tonight he was talking about taking Bug out on the boat next year, and taking her swimming, and then was joking with me about me not being able to go because hopefully I'd be pregnant, and I get so darn large when I'm pregnant that I wouldn't be able to swim for fear of being top heavy. (all in good fun joke :-) Then after we had just finished giving Bug a bath, and I was holding her and he was standing next to us, he made a comment that what would complete the picture would be another little one is his arms. It's SO sweet, I know he's really excited about doing it again.

Well, so much more to say, but off to my last class for my GMAT prep course. Which yes, I will still be doing even though we are moving. I'm a glutton for punishment... new job, new city, TTC with help, MBA, K laid off.... yep, I thrive on stress LOL.

Please know - even if I'm not commenting a lot on blogs, I am reading them! It's just a time issue right now...

Saturday, October 1, 2011

poor bug

First, apologies for typos as I'm doing this post from my cell. Poor bug is sick. Yesterday morning she felt warm but when I took her temp it was normal. About an hour after dropping her off at daycare they called to say she was running a slight fever. An hour after that K had to go get her. It was 101.2 when he picked hee up. We kept it down but this morning its back to 101.4 and I can tell she's miserable. No other symptoms really, except for congestion that has been around but sounds worse today. so its strange. Poor kiddo! I hate not being able to make her feel better.