It seems that I continue to struggle with weaning Bug. I know in part it's because I'm so afraid that I'll wean her, we won't get pregnant with IVF, and then I'll regret weaning her. This is so new to me, someone who, sadly, thought it was creepy to wean past 12 months. We are now almost at 19 months and if it weren't for needing IVF, there would be no end in sight.
Our bodies should work like they're supposed to. I should be able to nurse through pregnancy #2 and let Bug wean when she wants. I should have the OPTION at least to tandem nurse if our relationship would have made it through nursing. Should. Should. Should.
Both Bug and K were very sick last week. I think I might have been the first to have it, but it was short lived for me and I thought it was a mild case of food poisoning. I think it might've been the flu though, as the 2 of them caught it and got really sick for days on end. Once Bug got over the flu she then got the dreaded cold. With her reflux it is taking FOREVER to get over it. So she wants to nurse. We had been down to the just before bedtime nursing session, but now we're back to 2-3 times a day.
I was listening to the song '100 in a 55' the other day and it brought on this crazy bought of nostalgia. I think because the lyrics have so much meaning in regards to what I've been through. Right in the beginning they sing "I still believe that we got a chance, I still believe that we got a chance to be" It speaks to what K and I went through, our separation and then eventual reconciliation. It touches me. Then the chorus in general 'going 100 in a 55 and I don't know why, I'm still alive. But I do what I can but I know I can't take anymore" reminds me of the days leading up to our separation, through all of our primary IF. "I can't go back, I'm in too deep" makes me think of during our separation when I realized I wanted him back, but we were both dating people. Then we worked it all out, and now we are such a happy family of 3 (4 if you include the dog LOL).
Life is amazing. It's hard, but I know that I'll make it through. I know that weaning bug will work out when it's supposed to. I know that when it does we'll start IVF. In a lot of ways I hope it's sooner versus later, but in some I'm OK waiting because Bug deserves to nurse just as long as she wants to.
Hugs to everyone.
Showing posts with label primary IF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label primary IF. Show all posts
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Monday, November 21, 2011
ICLW
Hello Fellow ICLW'ers!
This is the second time that I've done ICLW, but it's been a while. So I'll give you a quick run down on me and who I am. K (the husband) and I started trying to get pregnant in early 2006. Around a year into it (and after K telling me for months that we needed to get checked) we got checked. Due to Cryptochordism as a child that went untreated until K was old enough to remember having the surgery, we were dealt the blow of moderately severe MFI. We met with an Andrologist for a bit (a urologist specializing in male infertility) and tried Clomid for both of us along with some vitamins etc, only to find out that even if they helped K's numbers, they would still be so bad that IUI/AI still wouldn't do the trick. There were around 600,000 swimmers in his samples, with less than 20% morphology and less than 15% motility (or maybe I have those %'s backwards). So we self referred to an RE and jumped head first into IVF.
IVF cycle 1 round 1 was cancelled due to severe hyper stimulation. IVF cycle 1 round 2 was cancelled because I ovulated before we started antegon. IVF cycle 1 round 3 was a BFN.
We finally conceived via a donor, and have our beautiful daughter Bug, who is just about 16 months old.
Since she was born we have not prevented. It took me a while to get AF back due to nursing, but she did finally join us. We are now back on the wagon and dealing with secondary IF. We met with a couple of RE's in September (we moved since treatments), and had been in the process of deciding IVF vs Donor sperm IUI and which doctor to go to, when my job transferred me 5 1/2 hours away and K got laid off. So now, we continue to not prevent and have set aside extra money in next years flex save account. We move next week, and will immediately work on setting up a couple of meet and greet appointments with a couple of new RE's and make our decision on which we'll use. While we had originally been leaning toward donor sperm IUI, we have now officially decided to give IVF one LAST chance, then we will move onto donor sperm IUI and then adoption after a couple of cycles.
Here's to admitting that secondary IF is no easier than primary IF. The road is still hellish and long. But having BTDT is currently giving me a different attitude towards everything, and the continued months of negative aren't killing me, I'm not tracking ovulation (although I typically can tell) and I'm only kind of paying attention to when AF comes. I'm sure this may change once treatments get going again, but I'll keep my sanity as long as possible.
I look forward to finding some new bloggers to follow, and maybe gaining some new followers myself!
Happy ICLW!
This is the second time that I've done ICLW, but it's been a while. So I'll give you a quick run down on me and who I am. K (the husband) and I started trying to get pregnant in early 2006. Around a year into it (and after K telling me for months that we needed to get checked) we got checked. Due to Cryptochordism as a child that went untreated until K was old enough to remember having the surgery, we were dealt the blow of moderately severe MFI. We met with an Andrologist for a bit (a urologist specializing in male infertility) and tried Clomid for both of us along with some vitamins etc, only to find out that even if they helped K's numbers, they would still be so bad that IUI/AI still wouldn't do the trick. There were around 600,000 swimmers in his samples, with less than 20% morphology and less than 15% motility (or maybe I have those %'s backwards). So we self referred to an RE and jumped head first into IVF.
IVF cycle 1 round 1 was cancelled due to severe hyper stimulation. IVF cycle 1 round 2 was cancelled because I ovulated before we started antegon. IVF cycle 1 round 3 was a BFN.
We finally conceived via a donor, and have our beautiful daughter Bug, who is just about 16 months old.
Since she was born we have not prevented. It took me a while to get AF back due to nursing, but she did finally join us. We are now back on the wagon and dealing with secondary IF. We met with a couple of RE's in September (we moved since treatments), and had been in the process of deciding IVF vs Donor sperm IUI and which doctor to go to, when my job transferred me 5 1/2 hours away and K got laid off. So now, we continue to not prevent and have set aside extra money in next years flex save account. We move next week, and will immediately work on setting up a couple of meet and greet appointments with a couple of new RE's and make our decision on which we'll use. While we had originally been leaning toward donor sperm IUI, we have now officially decided to give IVF one LAST chance, then we will move onto donor sperm IUI and then adoption after a couple of cycles.
Here's to admitting that secondary IF is no easier than primary IF. The road is still hellish and long. But having BTDT is currently giving me a different attitude towards everything, and the continued months of negative aren't killing me, I'm not tracking ovulation (although I typically can tell) and I'm only kind of paying attention to when AF comes. I'm sure this may change once treatments get going again, but I'll keep my sanity as long as possible.
I look forward to finding some new bloggers to follow, and maybe gaining some new followers myself!
Happy ICLW!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
19 Kids and Counting
So, the other night I was exhausted. I did some studying for the GMAT, and then watched about 10 mins of TV before crashing out just after 9:00. Bug hasn't been sleeping well, so that means I haven't been either.
So, I was flipping through the channels, and I knew I only wanted to watch for a few mins, so I didn't want to get hooked into anything. So, I was looking for something stupid to stare at blankly for 10 mins. What do I stop on? 19 kids and counting.
Now, you may be asking yourself, why in the world would an infertile choose to watch this show? I don't know, I'm asking myself the same question. I've never watched it before, I've always refused based on the obvious.
I swear my hand had a mind of it's own, and picked the stupid show. I really did only watch about 10 mins of it, but in that 10 mins I managed to get myself worked up. How is it, that one single family can have this many children, when so many people out there can't even manage to get pregnant, or carry to term, or hold beyond birth, one child? Is that really so much to ask for? Don't get me wrong, I realize that I'm lucky enough to have that one child, even though I do want another.
But it still pisses me off for my comrades, those soldiers that I fought this war next to that still do not have a child. Those soldiers that are now trying for number two, those soldiers who had to mourn never having a child, instead choosing to live childless. Those soldiers who had to mourn never having a 'biological' child, only to realize that their adopted child is. These soldiers are good people, they deserve the chance to be a parent. To hold their little one and watch them grow. To see them off to college, to watch them get married, to help them welcome in their own child.
It's just not fair. Good for the Duggars, if it's really what they want. But they don't take care of their own kids, the other kids do! So now you're forcing children to grow up before their time and become parents to their own siblings. My big question? How do they afford it? Who pays for it all? At least before the TV show that I'm sure makes them gobs of money. For God's sake, let it be someone else's turn!!
I just remember too well the pain and heartache and suffering of primary infertility. I'm remembering it everyday as I struggle with secondary infertility, and the decisions that must be made, just to have a child. Something that should come naturally, something that no one should have to fight so hard for. Something that causes so many marriages to fall apart, sometimes that helps to put them back together, and something that causes people to feel like failures as women and men.
Every day I live with the burdens, skeletons, and choices that infertility left me with. It's who I am, without it I would be missing something so important and integral to the person that I have become. I would not trade my experiences, even if I sometimes wish I could go back and make better choices. I do NOT want to go through it again, but I know that we will come out the other side.
To those still in the trenches, remember how many before you have sat in your shoes and been able to make those difficult choices and come out the other side as a better person. Remember all those that struggled for more years then you think you could handle, and how in the end they got their miracle(s). Let it help keep your hope alive, even though hope is sometimes what makes the fall that much more difficult. Without the hope you will not make it through. With it, with the knowledge that so many have made it, and with your beliefs (whatever they may be), you will make it through too. Your time will come.
And please, for God's sake, DO NOT WATCH 19 KIDS AND COUNTING!!!
Sorry, I'm off my soap box now, I think.
So, I was flipping through the channels, and I knew I only wanted to watch for a few mins, so I didn't want to get hooked into anything. So, I was looking for something stupid to stare at blankly for 10 mins. What do I stop on? 19 kids and counting.
Now, you may be asking yourself, why in the world would an infertile choose to watch this show? I don't know, I'm asking myself the same question. I've never watched it before, I've always refused based on the obvious.
I swear my hand had a mind of it's own, and picked the stupid show. I really did only watch about 10 mins of it, but in that 10 mins I managed to get myself worked up. How is it, that one single family can have this many children, when so many people out there can't even manage to get pregnant, or carry to term, or hold beyond birth, one child? Is that really so much to ask for? Don't get me wrong, I realize that I'm lucky enough to have that one child, even though I do want another.
But it still pisses me off for my comrades, those soldiers that I fought this war next to that still do not have a child. Those soldiers that are now trying for number two, those soldiers who had to mourn never having a child, instead choosing to live childless. Those soldiers who had to mourn never having a 'biological' child, only to realize that their adopted child is. These soldiers are good people, they deserve the chance to be a parent. To hold their little one and watch them grow. To see them off to college, to watch them get married, to help them welcome in their own child.
It's just not fair. Good for the Duggars, if it's really what they want. But they don't take care of their own kids, the other kids do! So now you're forcing children to grow up before their time and become parents to their own siblings. My big question? How do they afford it? Who pays for it all? At least before the TV show that I'm sure makes them gobs of money. For God's sake, let it be someone else's turn!!
I just remember too well the pain and heartache and suffering of primary infertility. I'm remembering it everyday as I struggle with secondary infertility, and the decisions that must be made, just to have a child. Something that should come naturally, something that no one should have to fight so hard for. Something that causes so many marriages to fall apart, sometimes that helps to put them back together, and something that causes people to feel like failures as women and men.
Every day I live with the burdens, skeletons, and choices that infertility left me with. It's who I am, without it I would be missing something so important and integral to the person that I have become. I would not trade my experiences, even if I sometimes wish I could go back and make better choices. I do NOT want to go through it again, but I know that we will come out the other side.
To those still in the trenches, remember how many before you have sat in your shoes and been able to make those difficult choices and come out the other side as a better person. Remember all those that struggled for more years then you think you could handle, and how in the end they got their miracle(s). Let it help keep your hope alive, even though hope is sometimes what makes the fall that much more difficult. Without the hope you will not make it through. With it, with the knowledge that so many have made it, and with your beliefs (whatever they may be), you will make it through too. Your time will come.
And please, for God's sake, DO NOT WATCH 19 KIDS AND COUNTING!!!
Sorry, I'm off my soap box now, I think.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Still difficult....
So, I have this friend, D, that I have known since our freshman year in high school. She got married in 2005 I think it was? And they waited a couple of years to start their family. By the time they decided to, I had already been knee deep in infertility for a couple of years. She was aware of this, and even had some knowledge about what all we had gone through, including failed and cancelled IVF's.
Her little boy just turned 2 at the beginning of July. When she got pregnant, I was simply included on the mass email to everyone with an Ultrasound picture, announcing their new addition.
I was sick. Heartbroken. I felt betrayed by her, for not even having the decency to pull me off the mass email and tell me in a different way. What would have been better? I don't know. But at the time I was SURE that there was a better way. It felt so cold and impersonal for what I was dealing with. But you know what? Had she called me I probably would have been pissed about that too. It was the person I was at the time, and being angry at fertiles was an easy thing. Especially super fertiles like D was.... they got pregnant pretty much on their first try. It took me a while to forgive her, although she never knew she needed forgiveness. I knew enough to not take it out on her.
When she had her baby shower in May 2009, I planned on going, I really did. But the day before I realized that I couldn't do it. I was a mess. I was bawling and so angry. I called her and apologized and said I wouldn't be there. She expressed understanding, and never acted angry towards me for it. I had my moving away party that same day, and she actually even came up to it. I was inebriated, in part because I was moving away, in part because of infertility, in part because it was just the sad person I was at the time.
It worked out in the end, and our relationship is no worse for the wear.
Are you getting a feel for where I may be going with this??
I got another email today. This time at least it was just to me, not some mass mailing.
Her little boy just turned 2 at the beginning of July. When she got pregnant, I was simply included on the mass email to everyone with an Ultrasound picture, announcing their new addition.
I was sick. Heartbroken. I felt betrayed by her, for not even having the decency to pull me off the mass email and tell me in a different way. What would have been better? I don't know. But at the time I was SURE that there was a better way. It felt so cold and impersonal for what I was dealing with. But you know what? Had she called me I probably would have been pissed about that too. It was the person I was at the time, and being angry at fertiles was an easy thing. Especially super fertiles like D was.... they got pregnant pretty much on their first try. It took me a while to forgive her, although she never knew she needed forgiveness. I knew enough to not take it out on her.
When she had her baby shower in May 2009, I planned on going, I really did. But the day before I realized that I couldn't do it. I was a mess. I was bawling and so angry. I called her and apologized and said I wouldn't be there. She expressed understanding, and never acted angry towards me for it. I had my moving away party that same day, and she actually even came up to it. I was inebriated, in part because I was moving away, in part because of infertility, in part because it was just the sad person I was at the time.
It worked out in the end, and our relationship is no worse for the wear.
Are you getting a feel for where I may be going with this??
I got another email today. This time at least it was just to me, not some mass mailing.
'Hey!
I haven't talked to you in a while... so I thought I would see what is going on? So what is new? Oh... by the way I am pregnant. How was Bug's1st birthday?
Well talk to you later!
D :-)'
Yep. Of course. Pregnant again, just when I want to be and something is keeping that from happening. It's hard, and frustrating, but still a little different. I emailed her back and picked on her for slipping it in, which she admitted to doing. I told her that it was OK, and while jealous (which I would never admit before) I was happy for her. And I am, I really, truly am.
But.
It's still hard. She's 12 weeks along, and you know what? I'll bet it happened pretty quick again for her. Why can't it be that easy for us? Why do K and I have to go through infertility?
While it is hard, I don't feel animosity towards her. She's a great mom, and a great person. I'm only wishing that we were in that boat of 'hey, let's get pregnant' and then BAM, you are.
I'm glad that handling it is so different this time around. It's still difficult, but in a new and different, accepting way. I'd love it to be me, but you know what? It's OK that we have to struggle with this. It's OK because I will go through it with K. It's OK because every morning, and every evening, I get to give my little girl hugs and kisses, I get to know the unconditional love of being a mama. I never thought I'd get that, and now I have it. Oh my, I'm crying now. I'm crying because I'm not in the same place as I was with primary infertility. I have the thing that all infertiles strive for, I am so blessed. I know that there are so many out there still in the throes of primary infertility, and all I can do is send you love and prayers. Because out of my primary infertility came the biggest blessing that God could have ever bestowed upon me, and that is our daughter.
It is for her that I am.
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