Friday, August 5, 2011

Still difficult....

So, I have this friend, D, that I have known since our freshman year in high school.  She got married in 2005 I think it was?  And they waited a couple of years to start their family.  By the time they decided to, I had already been knee deep in infertility for a couple of years.  She was aware of this, and even had some knowledge about what all we had gone through, including failed and cancelled IVF's. 

Her little boy just turned 2 at the beginning of July.  When she got pregnant, I was simply included on the mass email to everyone with an Ultrasound picture, announcing their new addition.

I was sick.  Heartbroken.  I felt betrayed by her, for not even having the decency to pull me off the mass email and tell me in a different way.  What would have been better?  I don't know.  But at the time I was SURE that there was a better way.  It felt so cold and impersonal for what I was dealing with.  But you know what?  Had she called me I probably would have been pissed about that too.  It was the person I was at the time, and being angry at fertiles was an easy thing.  Especially super fertiles like D was.... they got pregnant pretty much on their first try.  It took me a while to forgive her, although she never knew she needed forgiveness.  I knew enough to not take it out on her.

When she had her baby shower in May 2009, I planned on going, I really did.  But the day before I realized that I couldn't do it.  I was a mess.  I was bawling and so angry.  I called her and apologized and said I wouldn't be there.  She expressed understanding, and never acted angry towards me for it.  I had my moving away party that same day, and she actually even came up to it.  I was inebriated, in part because I was moving away, in part because of infertility, in part because it was just the sad person I was at the time. 

It worked out in the end, and our relationship is no worse for the wear.

Are you getting a feel for where I may be going with this??

I got another email today.  This time at least it was just to me, not some mass mailing. 

 I haven't talked to you in a while... so I thought I would see what is going on?  So what is new?  Oh... by the way I am pregnant.  How was Bug's1st birthday?
 Well talk to you later!
D  :-)'
Yep.  Of course.  Pregnant again, just when I want to be and something is keeping that from happening.  It's hard, and frustrating, but still a little different.  I emailed her back and picked on her for slipping it in, which she admitted to doing.  I told her that it was OK, and while jealous (which I would never admit before) I was happy for her.  And I am, I really, truly am. 
It's still hard.  She's 12 weeks along, and you know what?  I'll bet it happened pretty quick again for her.  Why can't it be that easy for us?  Why do K and I have to go through infertility? 
While it is hard, I don't feel animosity towards her.  She's a great mom, and a great person.  I'm only wishing that we were in that boat of 'hey, let's get pregnant' and then BAM, you are. 
I'm glad that handling it is so different this time around.  It's still difficult, but in a new and different, accepting way.  I'd love it to be me, but you know what?  It's OK that we have to struggle with this.  It's OK because I will go through it with K.  It's OK because every morning, and every evening, I get to give my little girl hugs and kisses, I get to know the unconditional love of being a mama.  I never thought I'd get that, and now I have it.  Oh my, I'm crying now.  I'm crying because I'm not in the same place as I was with primary infertility.  I have the thing that all infertiles strive for, I am so blessed.  I know that there are so many out there still in the throes of primary infertility, and all I can do is send you love and prayers.  Because out of my primary infertility came the biggest blessing that God could have ever bestowed upon me, and that is our daughter. 
It is for her that I am.