Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year

Wow, what a year it has been.  At this time last year it was still sinking in that I was finally pregnant.  Life was great, even though I was so scared of losing the pregnancy.  At this time we were getting very close to that precious 14 week mark where the chances of miscarrying drop drastically.  I was preparing to share the exciting news with everyone, although I was afraid that by sharing it we were jinxing it.

Onto 2010.  It has been the best year of my life!  While I dealt with some morning sickness, exhaustion, and a few weeks of bed rest due to threatened pre-term labor, all in all my pregnancy went smoothly.  I was due on 7/21, but I went 4 days overdue.  The doctor had finally scheduled an induction because she didn't want me to go too long overdue, but thankfully I went into labor on my own before our induction date.  Thankfully, because I really didn't want to be induced.  I'll post the birth story at a later time, but suffice it to say it was an amazing experience.  I cried when they laid our new baby girl on my chest.  I couldn't believe we'd finally done it - we finally had a baby.  She was healthy and had 10 fingers and 10 toes!  It was such an amazing experience!!

I have realized this year that I never really knew what love was.  I did not understand what it meant to love someone so much that I would throw myself under a bus to protect her.  This little tiny person that started out at 7 pounds 2 ounces has taken my heart and now grasps it in her little hands.  As she has grown (now around 14 pounds) she simply grasps it more tightly.  In all her giggles, smiles and talking she lets me know that she will never, EVER give it back.  Know what?  I'm OK with that! 

As the days pass, I have realized that the best thing to wake up to in the morning, even if it is only 3am and is the third... fourth... fifth time you have awakened, is the gummy little grin that shines upon that little face when she sees her mama coming to get her.  She shares it every morning, and every morning it makes me melt.  I will never tire of it.

I realize that there is nothing like seeing that gummy smile for the very first time.  Nothing grabs at your heart more than the first giggle, the first time you hear her voice, and the first time you realize that she has figured out volume with that voice.  There is nothing that grosses me out anymore.  I've been spit up on, pooped on, peed on, snotted on.  Every bodily fluid you can imagine has come out of this precious little being and made it's way onto me and my clothes.  I hardly even notice.  It makes me smile a little when I realize at lunch time that I've been walking around with spit up on my shoulder all day.  Blow out diapers?  No problem!

I realize that the want to ensure the safety of my little girl outweighs everything.  All those heels I love sit at work and get put on when I get there, and come off when I leave.  So I can wear flats when I carry her into and out of our home, which involves stairs.  The bruises on my legs are nothing, even though when I see them I know they came from carrying her in her car seat.  And that flabby tummy that I still have?  It's not much, but it's enough to make all my pre-pregnancy pants fit just a little too snug and leave me with a little muffin top.  But I don't care, because that's just one of my mommy scars.  In fact, I wish I still had the negra line down my tummy.  It's a sign of the most precious little girl in my life and where she came from.

I have learned to live with exhaustion that could take down a herd of elephants for an entire week.  I have learned that even if mama is running a fever and sick as a dog, somewhere there comes an inhuman strength to continue to care for my Bug because dada is out of town for work. 

I have learned that a mama kiss can dry tears, bring about smiles and giggles.  I have learned that I can nourish my baby by simply putting her to my breast, and that the bond it builds is not just for her, but also for me.  I have learned that a baby massage can help calm an overtired baby.  I have learned the way to hold my bug depending on what she wants and needs at that moment. 

I have learned what cry means I am hungry, I am tired, I am wet, I need you or I need alone time. 

I have learned that I cannot always do it all by myself.  I have to ask for help sometimes, even when I have in the past been too proud to ask.  I have learned that being a good mama sometimes means asking for that help, because a happy healthy mama equals a happy health baby.

I have learned to write down questions for the doctor, and not to be afraid to call them.  I remember to ask those questions! 

I have learned to not judge other people's situations with their children, or parenting styles.  Everyone is different, and does what works for them and their children.  Everyone's situation is different.

I have learned that no one can ever prepare you for the joys and sorrows of motherhood.  I realize that as she gets older I will find new joys and sorrows that I cannot prepare for.  I like knowing that I am in a sisterhood that has millions of members, but is exclusive.

I have learned that the wait was worth it.  I have learned that infertility cannot overtake me.  I have learned that during all those times that I almost gave up, but refused because I wanted to experience this so badly were all so worth it.  The pain, dispair, heartache, ups and downs, were all worth it.

I have watched my husband become the father I have always known he would be, was meant to be.  I have seen the love shine in his eyes and know that everything I have felt and been through this year is reflected in his own pain and joys.  I have learned why I love him all over again, and again, and again.  I have seen gentleness in his touch that makes me want to weep tears of joy.  I have seen the way he can rock our little girl when she doesn't feel well and calm her down, while she looks up at him with a complete sense of security.

I have learned that communication is key.  Remaining calm and talking through everything helps make it all better.  Realizing that you will not always agree with your spouse.  That's OK too.

I think this sums up motherhood:
“Making the decision to have a child-it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
–Elizabeth Stone

So bring it on 2011, I can take whatever you bring to me.  And when you possibly bring the realities of dealing with infertility again, I will not let you become a ruined, want to forget you year.  I will embrace you as I embrace my little Bug (and K of course), with love, hope and excitement.  With the knowledge that I can make it through anything and come out in one piece.  That with Gods help, he will lead me down the road I am meant to be on.

I love you K.  I love you Bug.  With you and God, I can and will, do anything.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Infertility, Part 2

OK, so it's been a little bit since part 1, so now it's time for part 2.  Why would I think of this right after Christmas you ask?  Well, because I have a lot to be thankful for, and it has been a long road to get where I am.  Even though it is a sad and difficult story for me to remember, I am very, very happy now.

So, we agreed to give IVF a try.  We had some money saved up, and along with our flexsave we had enough to get it going.  It was late 2007 at this time.  So, we called the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and said 'let's go.' 

The meds were ordered.  Thank God for insurance.  Over $2000.00 worth of meds, and they only cost us about $60.00 or so.

We had to wait for my next period.  My cycles had been irregular after coming off of birth control, and at one point my Ob/Gyn had to give me meds to make my period come.  But after that they got a bit more regular, although they typically ran between 5 and 7 weeks long.  Now and again shorter, now and again longer cycles. 

So we waited for what seemed like forever.  My period came and with it much excitement, and the inner stirrings of doubt.  Here we were, playing God.  Was it right?  It was what we wanted.  So we talked about it, and agreed that while we were playing God to some degree, God would not have made IVF possible if he didn't want people to be able to take that route.  On top of that, we agreed that if He didn't want it to work, he wouldn't let it.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  It might have been a way for us to feel better about what we were doing.  But I didn't worry about that then, nor do I now.

So, the period ends, and I start on Birth Control.  I only have to take it for a week before our first shots start.  This is the Lupron.  It causes my body to not ovulate.  It puts you into Menopause basically.  So with these shots come lots and lots of unexpected side effects.  I'm not normally one to struggle with a lot of side effects from medications, but this time is different.  I grow tired and irritable, irrational and moody.  I get paranoid.  I have hot flashes.  I crave fruit like it's going out of style.

At this point no one knows what is going on.  Just my very closest friend, C.  That's it.  We decide it's time to tell the parents.  We do, and while they are excited to know that we want to give them a grandchild, they have NO IDEA how to handle it.  Neither of them had any problems getting pregnant, and it would come to be that they would have the expectation that it would be easy for us too.  Except his Mom.  She kinda expected it, as she knew and understood what the doctors had told them when Kev was young and dealing with his surgeries.  She more or less said that she had been expecting the call, expecting us to tell her it was going to be a tough journey.  No one knew or understood just how tough it would be.

Kevin gives me the shots because I'm too afraid to do it.  The Lupron is pretty painless, except for the first couple of injections as we learned how to do it right.  He gives them to me in my stomach, and it is all good.  I take care of picking and cleaning the spot, while he cleans the top of the medicine and fills the needle.  I pinch my skin together a couple of times and he sticks me and injects the meds.  It becomes no big deal really, and we get to the point where we can even joke about it.  We choose to do it late in the evening, right before bed.  So around 9:30 or so.  I find it more and more difficult to keep my eyes open that late.  I find myself falling asleep on the couch, and Kev has to wake me up to give me the shots.

They tell us that we can ovulate multiple eggs every month, but most times only one, or maybe none, are mature.  By keeping my body from ovulating them out, it allows us to make multiple eggs mature.

A couple of weeks go by of this.  Now they tell us to add in the second injection.  This one is the food, otherwise known as Repronex.  This, they tell me, may become uncomfortable as my ovaries fill up, possibly to the size of melons.  We feel like old pro's with the injections by now, and think no big deal, this'll be easy too!

This was a horribly incorrect assumption.  The side effects I was already having are now intensified.  I think my boss is out to get me (turns out that while this was not true, there were other issues there).  People can see my hot flashes.  I am more and more tired, more and more moody.  All I want to do is sleep and eat fruit.  Cherries specifically, fresh only.  I can't tell you how many times I sent Kev to the store for them.  I started gaining weight, and not just because my ovaries were full.  I gained it all in my tummy.  I LOOKED pregnant.  There were rumors at work that I was.  That was very difficult.  I was barely making it awake to eat dinner.  To top it off, I was having horrible reactions to the injections.  These ones were a bit more painful to begin with as you could feel the medicine burning as it went in.  But, I also got these huge red sore welts at the injection site that would last for 5 or so days.  So, now we had to do two injections a day and constantly find new spots.  My stomach, my arms, my thighs.  I started the look any IVF'er knows, where we become human pin cushions.

So I take these meds for a few days and go in for some blood work and a trans vaginal ultrasound.  They say my hormone levels are a little high, and I have lots of follies (follicles - where the eggs are housed).  So, they drop down the amount of Repronex they have me on, hoping to slow the progress.  Here is where they start talking more about hyperstimulation.

They'd mentioned it during our consultation.  It's where your hormone levels gets SO high that it can be dangerous.  Putting it simply, if they get too high and they give you the trigger shot (which is HCG - the pregnancy hormone), the HCG pregnancy hormone triggers something that can turn lots of walls in your body permeable.  The heart sac, the bladder, etc.  As you can imagine, this is NOT good.  It can be very dangerous, and potentially fatal if it is bad enough.

So I start the lower dose of meds and a few days later they check again, lab and ultrasound.  My numbers are huge, both hormone level and follies.  They tell us now that they may have to cancel the cycle.  The RE is surprised, he advised that I am on a very low dose of the meds that is typically not enough for most people.

So they give it another couple of days, only 2 days before what should have been the egg removal (ER).  They do more lab work and another ultrasound.  I'm crazy high with my estrogen at 5500.  They are looking at around 60+, they were guessing 20 or more would be mature by the time any of them were mature enough to retrieve.  I can't hardly move I'm so uncomfortable.  Swollen, my ovaries really were the size of melons.  It hurts to sit, to stand, to pee and not to pee.  Everything is painful.  Not to mention the shots, the side effects.  I'm a mess to begin with.  At the appointment the doc says it's too dangerous.  If we move forward you'll be in the hospital.  We can't do it. 

We have to cancel and try again with adjustments to the meds.  But, to top it off, we cannot chance you ovulating out these live eggs and possibly becoming pregnant.  So, stop the food, but you have to continue the Lupron injections for 5 more days while these eggs die.  My potential babies.  I have to let them die and continue to be a pincushion.  I was heart broken.  All that we had already put into it, and we just had to stop and wait and then try again.

The RE was great.  He called later that day to check on me and make sure I was OK.
But we have to wait 6 - 8 weeks for my ovaries to cool down.  The RE advised he was going to look at my meds protocal and make some adjustments.  So now, we just wait.  My period comes only days after I stop the Lupron.  It's not fun, but there will be worse to come.

Deep breathing was all we could do.  We decided to get out of the house for a weekend.  We went and stayed at a hotel and had no strings attached sex for the first time in a long time.  It was nice, but there were storm clouds hovering over it all.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!!

Well, it really has been the best Christmas ever!! Aside from the adoption being finalized, Bug was so spoiled and had so much fun ripping off the paper from her presents.  Really, she could have cared less about the presents themselves but boy did she love the paper!!!

Even though we had a non existent budge for ourselves, Bug (AKA K) managed to get me a Nook.  I'd have been mad if I hadn't wanted one so bad.  Now it just has to charge so that I can play with it!!!

Well, today is also Bugs 5 month birthday.  I can't believe that 5 months ago today we were given the best present ever.  To top it off, I put her on her tummy to do tummy time today and she immediately rolled to her side!  She apparently didn't want to be on her tummy, because a few short minutes later she rolled to her back!!  It's the first time she rolled ~ and we got the last half of it on vide0 :-)

I didn't want to start solids until Bug was 6 months, but she is prooving daily that she is ready.  Sometimes I think that she is already as stubborn as me and wants to do things on HER time schedule, NOT mine.  So, we think we'll try to give her some mashed potatos (without any dairy) today and see what she does.  Exciting but scary that my little one is already wanting to grow up so fast!!

Now, if she can just get rid of this cold... poor snotty girl, she had to sleep in her car seat last night so that she could at least breathe!!

It's been a GREAT day already!!! 

I thank the Lord for all the good he has given me this year.  I don't see how 2011 can possibly get any better, but I know it will.

Later ~

Friday, December 24, 2010

Adoption and Sick

I know, I know, seems like these two things don't belong together, doesn't it?!  Well, they don't, really.

First - Adoption.  I am so excited!  While the final paperwork is not actually signed yet, the adoption was made final yesterday for K to adopt Bug.  Just waiting on the putative father report (to make sure no one else has claimed to be her father - which isn't going to happen!) and his criminal background check.  This is the happiest Christmas of my life!  I only wish we didn't have to do the adoption, but with the way the sperm donor thing worked out, that's just how it goes.  Now it's all legal and we have NOTHING to worry about!!!  Woo Hoo!!  I couldn't be happier!  K was so cute holding Bug in that courtroom while we got the verdict!  Wow, he's such a good daddy!!

Sick - our poor Bug is sick :-(  We had to take her to the doc today and everything.  Her ears looked fine, but she is so stuffy and wouldn't sleep last night.  She screamed off an on from 11:45 until 2:00, then again from 4:00 to 6:00 am.  K and I took turns staying awake with her, but neither of us got much sleep during our sleep time.  We thought it was an ear infection.  The doc thinks that she is just so stuffy that she hurts, but her lungs were OK.  But, she thinks its turning into a sinus infection/could turn into an ear infection.  So, for the second time in her short 5 months she is on an antibiotic. 

That's how it goes sometimes I guess.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


So Nana came into town yesterday to celebrate Christmas with us.  She'll be leaving either Thursday or Friday, but boy did she spoil Bug, and I'm not even sure what it all is yet!  But, she did get her Exersaucer, which I am SO excited about, as K and I were gonna go out today and buy one for her!!  It's a baby Einstein, so I am really happy!! 

Bug's a bit tired right now, and Nana is chilling with her and making her laugh and talk.  It's really really cute :-)

K is out picking up the makings for pancakes, which he is going to make - yummy!  Good thing, because we've been up since around 5:30 and I am HUNGRY!!  But, Nana is going to take Bug to lunch with her today and give K and I some alone adult time.  Quite excited about that :-)

Monday, December 20, 2010


So I was nursing in public again the other day, this time at Target in their little food area.  This mom walked up to me and told me she thought it was GREAT what I was doing, and that she breastfed both of her babies.  It was really kinda sweet :-)

That's it.  I have nothing else for the moment LOL

Eats on Feets

So, I have been a blessed mother and have been able to produce quite a bit of milk.  In fact, I make so much that my deep freeze is full.  That's right, full.  No more room.  Period.  So, I found out about Eats on Feets, it's basically a forum to help mothers who need breastmilk connect with mothers who have a surplus of it! 

So, I found a doula who had a mama who is unable to make milk.  So I donated a couple hundred ounces to her today, and let her know that if her little one tolerates it well to let ME know.  It hardly made a dent in what I have, but at least opened up some space for me to store more recent milk.  Her little one is younger than Bug, so it's great to get rid of some of my older stuff.  It was so great, I felt like it filled my heart with so much love and really made MY holidays brighter.

I really hope that she contacts me and lets me know that it worked out really well.  I love being a part of giving something to someone that is so important.  I hope it means a lot to this other mama, and I KNOW it means a lot to me.  It brought tears to my eyes just knowing what I was doing. 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Poor K :-(

He texted me today while I was on my way to nurse bug at lunch and said he was sick.  So when I got done feeding her, I talked to him and he was running a slight fever.  He's out of town right now for work of course, so I sent him to the store for tylenol and some soup, since I couldn't go get it for him.  He texted later and said his fever was 100.  Then after work I talked to him and it was up to almost 102, and he sounded miserable!  So he isn't working tonight because he could hardly get out of bed.  I wish I were there to take care of him :-(

On the bright side, if he doesn't fly tonight then he'll be home tomorrow instead of Friday!  I just hope his fever breaks while he's sleeping and he feels better soon.  I hate that he's so far away when he's sick.

I guess I know how he felt the other week when it was ME running the 102 fever and he wasn't here to take care of me.  I'm just glad that he doesn't have to worry about Bug, he can just focus on getting better.

So last night was our third (or was it fourth?) night of crappy sleeping.  Last night takes the cake though.  I chatted with K until a little after 9 (which is past my 8:30 bed time lately) and then crashed.  Bug woke up at 11:45ish and we were up until 2:00am.  Ugh.  So, I started out right there pretty tired.  So I got her back to bed, and she woke back up just before 4:00 and we nursed.  I put her back in her crib almost asleep and about 10 mins later she was awake again.  I let her hang in her crib chatting away for quite a while, but then it turned into a little fussy at almost 5:00.  So I let her fuss just a few minutes then went and got her.  We nursed again and she fell asleep.  I do not co-sleep, not that I find anything wrong with it - it just scares me to do it.  But I was SO tired at this point that I managed to take about a 20 minute cat nap with her curled up in bed with me.  But, then it was time to get up for the day.

Needless to say it was a LONG day.

Luckily I warned daycare, so they made sure to keep her extra occupied today and she didn't sleep the day away.  Tonight she went down around her normal time and hopefully will sleep better for me tonight.  Especially as K is sick so can't help out when he's home until he's better.

Here's to hoping!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Infertility, Part 1

OK, so this post has been coming.  It's the start, it will probably take a few posts to get it all out.  There's so much to it, but I want to share.  If it ever helps someone else, that would be the best thing possible!

July 25, 2008 was the day my world fell apart.  The pieces of my life, and my heart, were scattered so far and wide that I didn't think they could possibly ever be put back together.  I became a broken person, a wounded soul.  I pulled back from everything I had once loved and became someone that I didn't even recognize when I looked in the mirror.  This was the day that we found out all of our infertility nightmares had come true.  The day that had been over 2 years in the making.  The day we hoped would give us new life, new hope, new meaning.  Instead it was the day that we were told our latest attempt at concieving a much prayed for baby through IVF (invitro fertilization) with ICSI had failed.  After all the heartache, all the emotions, all the shots and blood draws and ultrasounds.  All the visits to doctors of all kinds.  All the hope because 'our chances were so good.'  All the money, time, and sanity that we poured into infertility testing and treatment, and it was not to be.  Again.  I felt like I died that day along with our two fertilized embryo's that were transferred back into my body.  The embryo's that were supposed to burrow themselves into my lining.  The embryo's that my body rejected.  Along with the fertilized embryo's that were supposed to make it to be frozen so that we had a chance with FET (frozen embryo transfer).  Everything was gone.  My babies.  My hope.  This is the day that I realized that I was a Mother, but a Mother without a child to hold as my own.

Ironically, July 25, 2010 is when those pieces were put back together.  The day that I found a love so strong that nothing, EVER, could break it.  This was the day I became a parent for the second time.  This is the day that our baby, our everything, graced us with her presence.  This is the day that I delivered a healthy, screaming 7 pound, 2 ounce bundle of joy at 4:23 in the morning.  This is the day that Kevin and I had been waiting for.  This is the day that made everything we went through worthwhile.  The day that I handed over my heart to never again be my own. 

Let's start from the beginning. 

I met K in January 2000.  By June 2000 we were dating seriously, and December 2000 we moved in together.  March 2001 we were engaged.  June 22, 2002 we exchanged vows and rings and became one family in front of God, our friends and family.  We were young.  I was just 22 and K was 23.  Not as young as some, but definately young.  We were still working our way through college and both working full time, so we agreed to not to try to start a family until we had graduated.  This allowed us to enjoy each other, and learn everything we could about each other.  We did, and it was the greatest decision we could have made.

Fast forward.  May 2005 K graduated with his bachelors degree.  March 2006 I came off of birth control.  May 2006 I graduated with my bachelors degree.  June 2006 we travelled Europe for 3 weeks and really enjoyed no longer preventing pregnancy.  At first it was great.  No birth control, no other prevention, and just having fun.  After some months of trying we thought that maybe we just weren't hitting the right time of the month.  So we started temping and charting, and using OPK's to make sure that we knew when I was ovulating.  So, now we KNEW we were trying at the right time of the month.  In all reality, we both knew in the back of our heads that there was going to be some IF issues, but I think we both didn't want to admit it.  So, just under a year after we began trying, we agreed to find out why we were not yet pregnant.  My Ob/Gyn had our testing done.  I had some low progesterone, but otherwise I was OK.  K had dealt with an issue at birth that was corrected sometime around his 6th year that caused him some issues.  Unfortunately, all of his numbers were low.  So, my Ob/Gyn recommended we see a urologist that specializes in Male Infertility.  We did.  She ran another analysis on him and we had a consultation.  During that consultation she prescribed him Clomid.  Apparently it's not just for women!  There were all kinds of other recommendations, but when it boiled down to it she advised us that even if we did them all, with the reason for his fertility issues, the chances of us getting pregnant were not going to increase by any noticeable amount.  Unfortunately we fell into the category of severe male factor.

So, we self referred to a prominent Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in our area.

We got in pretty quick.  They did another analysis.  We sat down and talked with the doctor.  His picture that he drew for us was bleak on the one hand, but on the other it gave us loads of hope.  He said that if we DTD at the right time every month for 10 years, we had about a 1 percent chance of getting pregnant within that 10 years.

Wow, slow down.  Step back.  1% chance?  That's LOW!!!  We felt deflated.  But wait, he said, there are options!

He advised that while we could try IUI/AI, he did not recommend it as he did not think in our situation that it would increase our chances.  He was willing to do it, but he basically said he thought it would be a waste of money.  He felt our option was IVF with ICSI.  We decided to discuss and let the office know what we wanted to do.

For those who are not familiar, and probably over simplifying:  IVF is where they keep you from ovulating, then feed the eggs, then take them out with a nasty looking needle, and then put them in a petri dish with the sperm and let them do their thing.  ICSI is where instead of just putting them in the dish to do their thing, they use a needle and inject the sperm right into the egg.  Either way they then feed the fertilized embryo's for a few days, then transplant them back in.  At that point there's nothing else to be done, you just have to hope that your body accepts them and that they burrow into your lining.

OK, we thought.  We can do this.  It won't be so bad, right?  We have some money in savings to help pay for this.  We'll just do this IVF with ICSI and it'll work.  We'll be pregnant in a matter of months, right?

Wrong.  So very very wrong.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I'm. So. Tired.

Why is it that during the week sometimes Bug will sleep until 6:15, when my alarm goes off at 5:30.  But, on a weekend it never fails, she is up by 5:30.  Every. Single. Weekend.  Today, it was just after 5:00.  But will she nap in her crib?  Not for me!  So, what happens?  I'm up.  All. Day. Long.  Today it really sucks too because I have to pick up K at the airport at 9:50 tonight.  So, normally I can at least get into bed at around 8:30 or 9:00 to help get some extra sleep since we're still waking up in the middle of the night.  But, we won't get home from the airport until 11:30, if not later.  Then she'll wake up to nurse any time between 1:00 and 3:00, and probably be up for the day again around 5:00.

I know I shouldn't complain, I have a great life, and I am so thankful for Bug.  But today I am just so tired.  I was so sick last week and still haven't been able to get sleep to help my body heal itself.  Sick like in 102 degree fever and everything.  And I didn't have a choice ~ I still had to take care of the baby.  Sometimes it is REALLY REALLY hard being a single Mom while K is away.  He's really good at helping when he's here, don't get me wrong, but he has been in Florida for training since the end of October.  The only reprieve I got was a few days over Thanksgiving when he was able to come in town.  So, it's been a month and a half with pretty much no help.

I don't know how true single parents do it with a young baby like this.  I just want to cry right now because I'm so exhausted.  There's no sleep for the weary. 

I'm gonna go look at my little one now, and hopefully she'll give me lots of smiles and giggles and I'll feel all better!


Friday, December 10, 2010

Bug's getting HEAVY!!

Yes, it's official.  She's getting really heavy.  I should consider carrying her outside of her car seat.  What makes me say this you ask?  Other than the obvious issue of getting more difficult to carry one handed, I found a line of bruises down my right leg the other day.  It took me a little bit to figure out what in the world they could have possibly come from!  They are right above my knee, on the outside of my leg, and literally, a row.  Finally it dawned on me - this is where the car seat hits when I carry it on my arm!!  So not only am I getting blood blisters on the inside of my arm right at my elbow from carrying it this way, but now the bruising on my leg! 

Why not just carry it by the handle you may ask?  Well, if I'm just walking from point a to b with no stairs, I will.  BUT, I'm SO darn SHORT, that going up and down stairs it is impossible to carry her this way!  Oh the adventures of a 5 foot 1/2 inch mother LOL.

On another note, my dear husband is coming home tomorrow night!  I haven't seen him since Thanksgiving morning, so needless to say Bug and I are excited!  But, we only get him for the day on Sunday, and then he has to leave again around noon on Monday.  But then he will only be gone for just under a week, and then hopefully home until just before New Years!  So, he'll be home for Bug's first Christmas, which is SO important to me.  I know with him being a pilot now it's never a guarantee that he'll be home, and I accept that.  But this is such a big holiday for our little one, and it being her first, I really wanted him to be here.

Well, I have a lot on my mind that I would like to start talking about later tonight after Bug hits the hay for the evening.  (well, until her middle of the night nursing extravaganza anyways... did I spell that right?!)  So, maybe I'll be talking to you all later :-)

Monday, December 6, 2010


So, I know I just posted, but I've had a friend of mine on my mind lately.  Well, she pretty much has been for the last few months.

I'll call my friend H.  H let me know that she was pregnant in December of 2009.  It was crazy, because I had just recently found out myself that I was pregnant!  With all of my infertility history, I was afraid to tell anyone.  So only a few people knew about the pregnancy until I had safely made it into the second trimester.  After H told me about her 'wingnut' I so badly wanted to tell her about my Monkey.  But I was just too scared, so I kept my lips zipped.  I texted and messaged her now and again checking on how the pregnancy was going.  Then, when I hit that magical 14 weeks, it was time to let others know.  But there was this crazy fear that followed me for a few days before I could say the words, I was so afraid of jinxing myself.  H was one of the first people that I told.

But, this post isn't about me.  I'll tell about my pregnancy later.  This post is about H.

H and I have known each other since my Sophomore year in HS, so to be pregnant together was awesome!  We texted regularly just to check up on each other.  H had her amazing son on July 27, 10 ~ just two days after I had Bug.  I spent maternity leave back in T Town, and H and I kept saying that we were going to get together and introduce our future 'boyfriend and girlfriend' to each other.  A week passed, then another, then another and finally another.  We texted still, but I think we were both crazy tired and learning to be Mama's.  So Bug turned a month old, and then her son turned a month old.  The day after he did, K and I had Grandma babysit and we had our very first date night.  We took out the boat and went for dinner on the river.  Then we were going to do a boat ride after dinner.  I missed a call from H as we were getting the boat moving after dinner, and in her message she didn't sound good.  Then I saw a text simply saying 'call me.'  My heart sank, I knew something was wrong.

I'm already crying just typing this.

I called H back and immediately asked if everything was OK.  All she could say was he died M, he died.  She was speaking of her son. 

Her little boy was 1 month and 1 day old when the good Lord called him home.  He was apparently sleeping and when H and her husband checked on him, he was not breathing.  SIDS they say.  Unexplained.  It just, happened. 

My heart breaks every day for her and it has been 3 1/2 months.  I wish so badly that I could help make it better.  I wish so badly that every time she thinks of me she wouldn't think of the daughter that I have, the same age as her son is supposed to be.  Do I know she thinks that?  No.  But I would.  I did it when I was struggling through Infertility.  I know, just a little, what it's like to lose.  But not like she did.  I lost mine so early on, I never got to bond the way she did through an entire pregnancy.  I never got to deliver them and have them laid on my chest.  I never got to meet them and spend weeks getting to know them as individuals.  She did.  She knew her little boy, she held him when he cried, she rocked him to sleep at night.  She ran on no sleep and became super mom, because that is what you do with a newborn.  She did it all right and good, and then she had to let him go. 

I text her now and again.  I don't want to push it.  She needs her space.  She needed me in the beginning, and I was there for her.  I went and held her as she cried, I was there to support her during the visitation and funeral.  But then I had to come back to Indiana.  She took extra time off of work and slowely went back.  I know that she is working on moving on with her life as she needs to.  I just wish I could help her.  I just wish that it didn't have to happen to her.  She is such a good person, and to watch her stay so strong through everything.... it's amazing.  They donated his organs, they said that they knew his death could help someone else to live.

I regret that I never met this amazing little boy.  I will make sure that as I move forward with my own life, I will always make time for those important to me.  H is important to me, but I know all I can do is hold her hand from this horrible distance away.  I hope she knows that if she ever needs anyone, that I am here.  I hope she never resents me for what I have and what she lost.

I pray for her and her husband and family every day.  That God keeps them in his warm embrace, and helps them to understand that, even though they may never know the reason that this happened, that He is there to help them through it.


Why do Monday's always come so fast?  It's like they just sneak up on you, and you're never quite ready for them!! 

My Bug slept SO good last night, I can't even believe it.  She didn't wake me up until 4 something to nurse!  Hello Mama, that means I got 6 hours of straight sleep!  Woo hoo!  Well, not exactly 6 hours, because I woke up at 3 something and was surprised she hadn't woken me yet.  So I checked on her, went to the bathroom and crashed back out.  Goes much quicker than nursing her :-)

Then, I got up and got partially ready this morning before she woke up - at like 6:30!  I couldn't believe it!  She hasn't slept much past 5:45 or 6:00 since I don't know when!  Too bad she couldn't do that on the weekend ha ha.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Nursing in Public

Well, in the 4 months that I have been breastfeeding, I've only nursed in public a few times.  So many times I would just go to my car (the positives in having a mid summer baby!).  I don't have any problem with it, maybe it just makes me a tiny bit nervous.  So, two of those times have been at Bob Evans :-)  But today, I nursed at church!

We attend a Catholic Church, and just recently officially 'joined' the church.  So they had a welcome brunch today after 9:30 mass.  K was still in FL, so Bug and I went just the two of us.  As we went to mass first, she started to get fussy after we sat down to eat.  So, I just asked my table mates if they cared if I nursed and they all said it was OK by them!  The one woman even made a comment along the lines of 'that's what they were made for!' It was actually a great experience.  As it was a welcome brunch, people kept walking up and saying HI and what not, and it didn't bother anyone that I was nursing at the time.  My experiences with nursing in public have all been positive, but I understand that not everyone is comfortable with it.  Bug is only 4 months old, so it is also not like I am extended nursing in public. 

My first experience at Bob Evans was actually really cute.  There was a mentally handicapped man (not sure of his age) at a table a few away from us.  He kept looking back at us while I was nursing, I am sure curious as to what was going on.  I only hope that someone at the table noticed and explained to him what we were doing.  It didn't bother me at all that he kept checking it out - it's a natural curiousity I think for people. 

Kind of like I can't help but to look at other babies when I see them :-)

Bug is calling, time to play before bed time!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

New to this blogging thing

Well, the title says it all.  But to know that I can share with family and friends the trials and tribulations of my life was too enticing an idea.  It'll help me share, get feedback, and keep people updated, especially with the distance that I am away from almost everyone! 

So.... where to start....

I'll start current, and in the future, share some background. 

Our first daughter, our first baby, our little Bug is now 4 months old.  I can't believe how big she is getting!  It seems every day she is doing something new.  Her newest skill these days is that she has realized there is a volume to her voice!!  She's held her head up great pretty much since birth, and she is trying so hard to sit up by herself - although she really is no where close.  She has not yet rolled over, and I'm OK with that!  She will do everything in HER time, and that makes me happy!

My Husband is a pilot.  He's in training in Florida right now so it's been tough.  He's been gone for over a month, but hopefully only another week and he'll get to come home for at least a little while.  I guess we'll see, you just never know when it's training!

Let's see, what else about us.  We care about the environment, but we are using disposable diapers and wipes.  We both work full time, so bug is in a daycare.  But it's a great little family run Christian daycare, and we love it and the teachers there. 

We are Catholic.  We've been married for 8 years and were married in a Catholic church.  I was just wrapped in the love of God this year in April as I opened my heart and was baptised.  I went through RCIA classes and learned so much, and realized how much I was missing with God only partially in my life.

Well, bug is wanting my attention, so that is all I have for now.  I look forward to updating as often as I can, in this crazy life of being a part time single parent!  But I love it, I love my husband, I love our daughter, and would not trade ANY OF IT for the world!!