Monday, December 6, 2010


So, I know I just posted, but I've had a friend of mine on my mind lately.  Well, she pretty much has been for the last few months.

I'll call my friend H.  H let me know that she was pregnant in December of 2009.  It was crazy, because I had just recently found out myself that I was pregnant!  With all of my infertility history, I was afraid to tell anyone.  So only a few people knew about the pregnancy until I had safely made it into the second trimester.  After H told me about her 'wingnut' I so badly wanted to tell her about my Monkey.  But I was just too scared, so I kept my lips zipped.  I texted and messaged her now and again checking on how the pregnancy was going.  Then, when I hit that magical 14 weeks, it was time to let others know.  But there was this crazy fear that followed me for a few days before I could say the words, I was so afraid of jinxing myself.  H was one of the first people that I told.

But, this post isn't about me.  I'll tell about my pregnancy later.  This post is about H.

H and I have known each other since my Sophomore year in HS, so to be pregnant together was awesome!  We texted regularly just to check up on each other.  H had her amazing son on July 27, 10 ~ just two days after I had Bug.  I spent maternity leave back in T Town, and H and I kept saying that we were going to get together and introduce our future 'boyfriend and girlfriend' to each other.  A week passed, then another, then another and finally another.  We texted still, but I think we were both crazy tired and learning to be Mama's.  So Bug turned a month old, and then her son turned a month old.  The day after he did, K and I had Grandma babysit and we had our very first date night.  We took out the boat and went for dinner on the river.  Then we were going to do a boat ride after dinner.  I missed a call from H as we were getting the boat moving after dinner, and in her message she didn't sound good.  Then I saw a text simply saying 'call me.'  My heart sank, I knew something was wrong.

I'm already crying just typing this.

I called H back and immediately asked if everything was OK.  All she could say was he died M, he died.  She was speaking of her son. 

Her little boy was 1 month and 1 day old when the good Lord called him home.  He was apparently sleeping and when H and her husband checked on him, he was not breathing.  SIDS they say.  Unexplained.  It just, happened. 

My heart breaks every day for her and it has been 3 1/2 months.  I wish so badly that I could help make it better.  I wish so badly that every time she thinks of me she wouldn't think of the daughter that I have, the same age as her son is supposed to be.  Do I know she thinks that?  No.  But I would.  I did it when I was struggling through Infertility.  I know, just a little, what it's like to lose.  But not like she did.  I lost mine so early on, I never got to bond the way she did through an entire pregnancy.  I never got to deliver them and have them laid on my chest.  I never got to meet them and spend weeks getting to know them as individuals.  She did.  She knew her little boy, she held him when he cried, she rocked him to sleep at night.  She ran on no sleep and became super mom, because that is what you do with a newborn.  She did it all right and good, and then she had to let him go. 

I text her now and again.  I don't want to push it.  She needs her space.  She needed me in the beginning, and I was there for her.  I went and held her as she cried, I was there to support her during the visitation and funeral.  But then I had to come back to Indiana.  She took extra time off of work and slowely went back.  I know that she is working on moving on with her life as she needs to.  I just wish I could help her.  I just wish that it didn't have to happen to her.  She is such a good person, and to watch her stay so strong through everything.... it's amazing.  They donated his organs, they said that they knew his death could help someone else to live.

I regret that I never met this amazing little boy.  I will make sure that as I move forward with my own life, I will always make time for those important to me.  H is important to me, but I know all I can do is hold her hand from this horrible distance away.  I hope she knows that if she ever needs anyone, that I am here.  I hope she never resents me for what I have and what she lost.

I pray for her and her husband and family every day.  That God keeps them in his warm embrace, and helps them to understand that, even though they may never know the reason that this happened, that He is there to help them through it.

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