Monday, January 31, 2011


Ugh.  We have thrush.  Again.  I hate thrush.  I catch it early so Bug doesn't seem like she minds it so much, other than I just see it on her tongue/cheek.  Me on the other hand, boy do the girls hurt.  I hate thrush.  HATE IT.  OK, I feel better.

Here's to Nystatin, gotta love it!  Hopefully it'll clear up soon and we will make it through the next 6 months of BF thrush free.  I've even been so good about cleaning out her mouth, but I guess being that I tend to nurse her down at night she probably does fall asleep with some milk in her mouth.  Stupid Sugar.

So, we are supposed to get nasty weather tonight, as is the greater part of the US.  Fun times.  At least Kev is home right now, so I'll take my laptop home with me and if I don't go to work tomorrow be able to sign in for a bit and get some stuff done.  Plus, we can take turns watching bug while the other gets said stuff done. 

Since Kev got home on Friday I have to admit that I'm excited to see if he cleaned up around the house today.  I keep it as clean as I can while working and taking care of Bug, but by the weekend it always seems so messy.  He takes such good care of us :-)

Friday, January 28, 2011

6 Months

Whoa Nelly!

Bug is getting BIG!  We had her 6 month check up last night, and she is 15 pounds, 12 ounces.  She's in the 40-something percentile.  Then she is 26.5 inches long, in the 75 percentile!  My cutie is growing up so fast!

She has really been loving her feet these last few days, and can't hardly keep her hands off of them.  She gets them close to her mouth, but I haven't caught her with them there yet :-)  She's trying her best though LOL.

Kev is coming home today.  Woo Hoo!  I just got a text from him that he's running to the terminal to catch his flight in just over an hour.  He's got a long layover, so he won't land until a little after 4:00 (the flight is at 10 something).  But, we haven't seen him in 2 weeks, so we are SO excited!  Every evening when we talk to him, Bug steals the phone from me and promptly stares at his picture, then puts it in her mouth.  Ha ha.  It's awfully cute! 

Well, I really gotta pay attention to this conference call I'm on, so off to work I go :-)

Sunday, January 23, 2011


So, now that I posted a hard post, I wanted to post something with a smile.

Bug found her feet a few weeks ago, but she is now gaining more and more interest in them.  Tonight she had the one ALMOST to her mouth.  Oh it was SO cute! 

Tonight we tried sweet potatos, fresh one's.  She didn't dig them too much.  Her face was priceless as she primly pushed them right back out.  Then she just stopped opening her mouth.  I didn't mix with any BM, so I'm gonna try that tomorrow and give it another shot.  We'll see :-)

I love my baby girl.  She was so cuddly today.  Resting her head on my chest, she makes me melt.  She is my whole life.  Without her I don't know what I would be.  Nothing.  She makes me so proud, and I love being her mama.

Infertility.... in general

It sucks.  Infertility sucks.  Why is it that the one thing that I should be able to do naturally, I can't.  We can't.  There is something there that stops us.  The elephant in the room that at one time we never talked about, but now we do.  Which is good.  But..... that doesn't stop it from sucking.  It's feeling empty, it's feeling like you are failing.  It's being a part of a club that is exclusive but you don't want to join, you are made a member even when you fight it with all of your might.  The club, as it turns out, is larger than you would expect.  According to the CDC, there are 430 clinics in the US to treat those of us infertiles. 

The numbers are staggering, approximately 10% of women, or 6.1 million of us between the ages of 15-44 have difficulty getting or staying pregnant. 

Wow.  That's a lot.

7.5% of sexually active men have reported a visit to help with concieving a child.  Of those, 18.1% were diagnosed with a male related infertility problem.  Wow, that's what we fall into.

I don't want to be in that category.  I don't want to be one of those statistics.  Can't I give it back?  I want to!  I don't like being here!  It sucks, the sign on the club door should tell us to stay away, but we can't, it's like an invisible force that draws us in. 

The want to be parents. 

For me, it was almost a need.  It was the culmination of everything that I made right in my life after all that I had done wrong.  It was my opportunity to show the world that I made it to where I wanted to be, and I was going to be able to raise a child to be a good person.

So why did the universe have other idea's in mind?  Why did I have to fall in that statistic?  Did I mention that I don't want to be a statistic?  Especially part of this one! 

Infertility broke me.  It made me become the person that I never wanted to be.  I became the adult version of my teenage years because I didn't know how to handle it, and no one around me understood except for Kev, and he was dealing with his own issues because of it all.  We tried to help each other, but how do you help each other when you don't know how to help yourselves?  It's virtually impossible.

So, I found myself a support group after we started going through treatment.  They were a great group of women, very supportive, and all dealing with the same thing.  The big IF.  Here is my first post after our cancelled cycle:

I think I'm just looking for someone to commiserate with. We are going through IVF due to severe male infertility due to a medical condition DH had as a baby. There's nothing they can do to fix the numbers. I waited for a year before getting us checked, and that was only after months of DH urging that we needed to. He knew, I didn't want to accept it. Then another six months of going to Andrologist to see what we could do. Finally we moved on to the FC for IVF with ICSI. Started my first cycle, had to cancel two days before retrieval. RE told me that if he gave me the Hcg that I would be in the hospital. I had 60+ follicles with my estrogen at 5500 already, and none were mature enough to take. By the time we would have had some, there would have been 20+ mature and ready, and god only knows what my estrogen would have been at. I love my RE, and I understand why he cancelled, but that doesn't stop the hurt over it. We've been dealing with all this, and I had such a hard time with the Lupron/Repronex mix. He said he would have to change it, but he wasn't sure what he was going to do yet. He said give it 6 - 8 wks for my ovaries to cool down. Depressing. Any one else in the middle of it right now??!! It just Sucks!!!!
The support I got from the women over at was amazing.  They deserve kudos.  But I didn't let them, a counselor, or even Kev and my friends and family help me as I should have let them.  Some of them didn't know how to or what to do, but I didn't help them to help me.  I became a shell of a person.
So, after our first cancellation we agreed to try again.  We just had to wait for AF (aunt flo) to show up.  Which she did amazingly quickly.  We called the RE, they had discussed my case wihin the clinic and had come up with a way to change my cycle.  It was an adjustment to the meds.  So I went into round 2 with a new level of hope.  Thoughts that it would work this time around.  After all, it couldn't keep failing, could it?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Infertility - not part 3

So, we have begun the thought process of baby number 2.  At first we didn't know if we wanted another, but now we realize that we do.  We have had the talk a couple of times now about how we are going to go about it.  Here are our options as we have discussed so far:

AUI/IUI with Donor Sperm

Now, here's the problem.  As you have begun to learn from my first posts about IF, it is a LONG and difficult road.  IVF tore me into teeny tiny little pieces of the human being that I once was.  It left me a figment of my imagination, a fragmented dream.  It took my heart out of my chest and stomped on it then threw it in the gutter.  It washed my soul in vinegar.  It was bad, bad, bad.

So, why would I consider it again?

I've asked myself that question so many times.  First, because I really want Kev to have a biological baby.  I think to myself that I have one child now, so maybe it'll make the second time around better.  Am I delusional?  Sometimes I think so.  I have no idea how it will be.  I have no idea if it will be easier or more difficult because I will have to care for a child while dealing with the side affects of the hormones.  Not to mention the money aspect.  Thousands and thousands of dollars for IVF, where AUI/IUI's can be less than $1000 (not sure how much donor sperm costs though). 

Either way, we need to find an RE again as our other one was back in Toledo and now we live in Indianapolis.  There are lots of choices here, and I have to start thinking about it seriously soon.

We decided we wanted the kids to be somewhere between 1 and 2 years apart.  That means we have to start seeking help around Bug's first birthday.

OMG.  We are halfway there.  Deep breaths.  Am I ready to go through this again?

I must be, it's started to consume my thoughts.  The birth board that I am a part of has so many women already pregnant again, and I am jealous.  Happy for them, but jealous.  Crazy, I know!  Bug is only 6 months old! 

But I LOVED being pregnant.  I even loved labor and delivery!  No, I'm not a glutton for punishment, to me it was just the most beautiful thing I have ever been through.  I want to make it longer before I get the epidural this time, I want to use a mirror and watch the babies head crown this time. 

So, I looked up the clinics in the area.  I want to get their stats, see who has more experience dealing with MFI (male factor infertility).  I want to meet the docs and see what they have to say.  I want to explore the options and the costs.

But we can't decide which route to go.  How do you make that decision?  Try IVF once and if it doesn't work get some donor sperm and do IUI/AUI?  Or keep it cheaper and go right to IUI/AUI? 


This is a life changing and very charged decision to make.  IVF failure almost ruined our marriage and us as people the first time around (or first three times).  So I ask myself again, do I think we can handle it?

We agreed we will start counseling right away and stick with it until the conclusion of any treatment we go through, and beyond if necessary.  We have grown as individuals and learned how to deal with hardships, and how to keep the lines of communication open. 

And we have one beautiful, loving, perfect little girl. 

So it will be easier to deal with IVF this time, right?

Monday, January 17, 2011

Last Night

So Kev had to leave at about 3:00am last night/this morning to catch his plane to Philly.  Bug was hungry about 1:30, and I was just falling back to sleep when his alarm went off around 2ish.  So then I was awake the whole time he was getting ready.  By the time he left, I was unfortunately, wide awake.  But I laid in bed, hoping that sleep would come.  Finally about 5:00 I turned off my alarm and just started surfing the web on my cell.  Bug wanted to eat again around 5:20 or so, and we fell asleep together (finally!) in bed until about 6:45.  I don't normally sleep with her in my bed, but it was SO needed, and she slept too.  She's the best cuddler around!!

So when I went to nurse her at lunch, they said she'd been a pill all morning.  Just cranky in general.  She finally quieted down for them when they put her in a bouncer and left her alone.  My bug just needed some her time I think!  Ha ha.

I'm gonna miss Kev this week.  He's been home for almost 3 weeks, and I'm not used to that.  It was SO nice to have the help around the house and taking care of Bug.  I've eaten better and everything!  It was like to prove a point... after I was running late this morning, I was just getting Bug bundled up and she pooped.  A nice big blow out diaper.  Fun stuff.  Had to change EVERYTHING.  Of course, we have recently started her on solids, so it was nice and green and stinky, but still runny.  HA on you Mama!

So solids.  We started on Rice cereal a little over a week ago.  The first two days or so she pushed it out.  Then she caught on, and started opening her mouth as the spoon got close!  It's so cute, because she will make noises as the spoon gets close too.  It's so funny!

So on Friday, we added in some peas.  She liked them at first, then we got treated the the funniest faces as she was thinking that maybe she didn't like them so much!  Ha ha, she was covered in green peas a couple of days in a row!  She seems to like them now, so that's cool.  Couple more days of peas, then onto Green Beans!  I'm still not sure how much I'm loving adding these foods in yet, but she was ready for sure.  Gotta let her lead the way in terms of when she's ready for the real thing and not just breastmilk. 

Hasn't helped her sleep any longer.  Oh well, I still feel lucky that she only get's up once a night most nights, then is up for the day typically between 5 and 6.

Oh how I love her!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Art Museum

So Bug has loved pictures it seems from day one.  We have been talking about taking her to the art museum, but the way our time has been with Kev travelling so much, we just haven't done it.  So yesterday we did all of our errands, which included a stop at the mall to buy Mama a couple of new suits since my old ones no longer fit my post baby body.  Anyways, that left us all of today.  So we went to mass, then had brunch, then off to the art museum.  All in all she handled it pretty well.

When we got there we pulled her out of her car seat so I could feed her before we went in.  She cried.  and cried.  OK, we thought, maybe she's kinda hot.  So we took off her hat and mittens and got outside.  Kev put her in the bjorn to wear her through the museum and she calmed down.  We went in and were in for about an hour.  Then she started screaming.  Always good in a museum LOL.  So we tried calming for a bit, then got out of there pretty quick.  She calmed right down in the car, which we expected as she was acting tired.  But I think the stimuli of the museum kept her from sleeping.  Got home and she was crying again.  So we changed her diaper and fed her and she was doing great.

Well, she hasn't pooped in like 5 days.  We knew it was just a matter of time and kept expecting it.  So we were practicing sitting (she's doing so good!) and all of the sudden we heard it coming.  I grabbed her and jumped up, Kev pulled off her pants, and we rushed her in to change her.

Too Late.

Quite the blowout.  We took turns holding her in a standing position to strip her and wipe off her back before we took off the diaper.  Kev left me to do that ha ha.  So I did and there was so much it was pooled in the diaper and started dripping off her butt!!!  I've never seen SO MUCH BABY POO!!!

Needless to say, even though we typically do baths only every couple of days and as part of our bed time routine, this called for a break from routine.

Cleaned her off as best as possible and to the bath we went!!

Now she is sleeping soundly on dada as he watches some TV and I type this up.  So darn cute.  So darn sweet.  Well, off to enjoy that sweetness!!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Bug is sick!

Well it started at the end of last week.  She got congested.... again.  That's the story of our lives with her unfortunately.  So, we use the saline and clean it out.  We use the nasonex and d'allergy to help clear her out.  It gets a little worse so Friday night we start putting her in her carseat to sleep.  Saturday goes OK, but she doesn't sound the best.  Sat night wasn't great.  Sunday it started to seem as though she was having a hard time breathing and gained a cough.  So we called the on call doc and she let us know to keep an eye on her, watch for her nostrils flaring, her ribs showing, or if it seemed she was struggling more to breath.  So, we called her again Sunday night and let her know that everything was worse, and you could see her stomach muscles struggling.  She suggested we take her in, so we went to the ER.  When we get there, she of course, sounnds better.  They did an RSV test, negative.  Sent us home advising it's viral and there's nothing they can do.

Sunday night she sleeps like crap and I'm up checking on her often as it sounds like she's gasping for air.  Monday we get up and she goes to daycare.

Monday afternoon I get the call from daycare.  She BF with me at 6:30, then ate 2 ounces of BM at 9:30, 1 ounce of BM at 1:30 and they finally got her to eat 3 more ounces of BM at 3:15.  This 3 ounces proceeded to come right back up in the form of VOMIT, yes vomit, NOT spit up.  Through her nose and everything.  Then they check her temp, 100.4 under arm and 101.7 forehead.  Yikes.  Come get her they say.

So we go to the docs.  They find a pretty nastly looking ear infection.  Ugh.  She wasn't crying or grabbing her ears or anything.  Crazy.  So they give us an antibiotic (the third in her short life).  I ask for no amoxicillan as it makes the reflux worse.  So zithromax it is.

Today she cried and fussed more than normal, but seems to be doing better.  Gotta love the pain drops for her ears though - helps get us through!

5 1/2 months before the first ear infection.  Not too shabby!!