So, the other night I was exhausted. I did some studying for the GMAT, and then watched about 10 mins of TV before crashing out just after 9:00. Bug hasn't been sleeping well, so that means I haven't been either.
So, I was flipping through the channels, and I knew I only wanted to watch for a few mins, so I didn't want to get hooked into anything. So, I was looking for something stupid to stare at blankly for 10 mins. What do I stop on? 19 kids and counting.
Now, you may be asking yourself, why in the world would an infertile choose to watch this show? I don't know, I'm asking myself the same question. I've never watched it before, I've always refused based on the obvious.
I swear my hand had a mind of it's own, and picked the stupid show. I really did only watch about 10 mins of it, but in that 10 mins I managed to get myself worked up. How is it, that one single family can have this many children, when so many people out there can't even manage to get pregnant, or carry to term, or hold beyond birth, one child? Is that really so much to ask for? Don't get me wrong, I realize that I'm lucky enough to have that one child, even though I do want another.
But it still pisses me off for my comrades, those soldiers that I fought this war next to that still do not have a child. Those soldiers that are now trying for number two, those soldiers who had to mourn never having a child, instead choosing to live childless. Those soldiers who had to mourn never having a 'biological' child, only to realize that their adopted child is. These soldiers are good people, they deserve the chance to be a parent. To hold their little one and watch them grow. To see them off to college, to watch them get married, to help them welcome in their own child.
It's just not fair. Good for the Duggars, if it's really what they want. But they don't take care of their own kids, the other kids do! So now you're forcing children to grow up before their time and become parents to their own siblings. My big question? How do they afford it? Who pays for it all? At least before the TV show that I'm sure makes them gobs of money. For God's sake, let it be someone else's turn!!
I just remember too well the pain and heartache and suffering of primary infertility. I'm remembering it everyday as I struggle with secondary infertility, and the decisions that must be made, just to have a child. Something that should come naturally, something that no one should have to fight so hard for. Something that causes so many marriages to fall apart, sometimes that helps to put them back together, and something that causes people to feel like failures as women and men.
Every day I live with the burdens, skeletons, and choices that infertility left me with. It's who I am, without it I would be missing something so important and integral to the person that I have become. I would not trade my experiences, even if I sometimes wish I could go back and make better choices. I do NOT want to go through it again, but I know that we will come out the other side.
To those still in the trenches, remember how many before you have sat in your shoes and been able to make those difficult choices and come out the other side as a better person. Remember all those that struggled for more years then you think you could handle, and how in the end they got their miracle(s). Let it help keep your hope alive, even though hope is sometimes what makes the fall that much more difficult. Without the hope you will not make it through. With it, with the knowledge that so many have made it, and with your beliefs (whatever they may be), you will make it through too. Your time will come.
And please, for God's sake, DO NOT WATCH 19 KIDS AND COUNTING!!!
Sorry, I'm off my soap box now, I think.