I hate doing so, even though I do it. It makes me feel guilty, ungrateful for the blessing that God decided to give me in Bug, something I wanted so bad, something I worked so hard for. I am SO grateful though, but in this little space of mine on the net, I need to let out some steam.
I'm tired. God am I tired. I'm 'I have a newborn' tired, and my baby girl is 15 months old.
It all started a few weeks back when she wasn't feeling well, and there was some teething mixed in (she finally got teeth 4 and 5). So we had some rough sleep weeks, but K and I split the time, so we were tired, but it was OK.
Bug ended up going to the Dr twice for this illness, and they finally put her on an antibiotic because they couldn't figure out why she wasn't beating this thing, whatever it was. I think that tooth 6 is trying to work its way in too.
Then K left. A little over a week ago. For this 35 or so day training out of state. So I went into this trip of his already tired, but no biggie, I've done this before. Right?
Well, since he's been gone, Bug has gotten up a MINIMUM of 3 times EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Not only that, but each time she's up it's for around 45 minutes, with one of the times every night being for somewhere between 1 1/2 to 2 hours. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. (and we all know that if the baby is up for 45 mins, it ends up being an hour for you by the time you pee, get back into bed, get settled and actually fall back asleep. For me, the longer wake ups are worse and then take some time to fall back to sleep - even though I'm exhausted) The worst part is when she is up for this time it's not just awake, it's screaming and crying. It's not wanting to be held but not wanting to be put down. It's 'I'll make you think I fell asleep, let you put me in the crib, go pee, climb back into bed, get settled and JUST start to fall asleep, THEN I'll start screaming again to let you know I'm really still awake and pissed off.' I'm finding myself nursing sometimes 2x a waking just to help her calm down, and maybe get back to sleep.
On top of not sleeping, she's not eating either. She'll maybe take a bite or two of things, but that's all. She'll take a sippy of milk, but only a little bit. What she does want? To Nurse. A Lot. I guess it's a good thing that I hadn't gotten to the point of fully weaning her (and myself) since she's nursing lots more these days. But my nips hurt.
When I pick bug up from daycare, she just wants to cry and be held too. I love holding her, don't get me wrong, but it makes it hard to change clothes, eat, etc. And holding her while sitting down is not good enough, I have to be standing up and walking around. Then she'll claw and scratch at me as she tries to get at my boobs, even if I just nursed her.
She keeps banging her head on things. The side of the crib, the floor, the wall. She hits it so hard she starts screaming, and leaves red marks. (yes, all of this has been discussed with the doctor, but I'm going to call again since we've now been through a round of antibiotics).
Know how things that are OK when you're OK suddenly seem intolerable when you're running on a mere fraction of the sleep that your body requires?
That's where I'm at. But, multiplied by 9 nights so far. Every little thing makes me want to break down and cry. I am getting frustrated in the middle of the night when she won't go back to sleep. (don't worry, it just ends with me in tears, holding her until she finally passes back out). I'm yelling at stupid drivers on the road, I'm having a hard time concentrating at work.
I have a history of headaches and migraines. Other than during pregnancy, I have been able to keep the migraines at bay for years. In fact, the headaches in general have been pretty good. Well, the last 5 or so days I've had a headache everyday. Last night it reached migraine levels, and there is little I can take since I'm still BFing. (at least that works for me). I know it's because I'm stressed, my allergies are kicking up with the season change, but a huge factor is lack of sleep. I can tell my tank is on E. Last night's first wake up I had to call K and have him sing to her and try to calm her down, because I was curled up in a ball, dizzy, nauseous, and ready to puke from my headache.
My house is a mess. The only reason dishes aren't piled in the sink is because we've gone out for dinner the last couple of nights, and I've given up trying to do much until I know she's gonna eat, so I try easy things first so I don't waste time and dishes. I haven't been able to study, because my baby girl comes first, always.
K has only been gone about 9 days. We still have a MINIMUM of 26 to go. Oh yeah, and we'll be moving within a week after he gets home. I start my new job in just over a week.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed and alone right now.