Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Fear Factor

I think that I have pinpointed part of the reason that this pregnancy feels so surreal.  I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out, but it's the Fear Factor.  Any woman that has dealt with pregnancy after infertility, pregnancy after loss, adoption after an adoption failed all know this feeling.  It's an overwhelming fear that some greater force has made the decision that this baby is not meant to be.

I believe in God.  Strongly.  I believe that what happens is his will.  But that doesn't take away the fear factor.  That wouldn't make a loss any easier, or another cycle after a loss any easier.

I've realized over the last few days that I spend time every day worrying.  Wondering.  Fearing.  Agonizing.  Being Scared.  Every Day.  I remember this now from the pregnancy with Buggie.  It never fully went away, but it did get easier as the weeks went on.  As I passed the 12 week mark and the threat of miscarriage reduced.  Getting the RhoGham shot and the threat of loss reduced.  Passing viability.  Making it into the 3rd trimester.  Making it through bed rest and threatened pre-term labor with the baby still safe and snug inside me. Making it to my due date, and then yes, even overdue.

So, as this realization hit me, as it really sunk in today that I've been fighting this feeling I'm making myself a promise.  This will, most likely, be my last pregnancy.  I will not waste time worrying about it.  I will trust in God, and yes, pray that he keeps us all safe, even this tiny new life growing inside of me.  I will take one day at a time, and enjoy every moment of this life being in the one place that I have a little more control over keeping it  safe.

I will live every day knowing that Today, I am Pregnant.


  1. I'm so there with you! Exactly! We'll have to remind each other of this along the way. Today we're both pregnant and what a wonderful day that is :)

  2. Your post has reminded me too that I should make sure I enjoy this too. I have spent the last several weeks stressed about things that it is time to relax & remember the small moments. Thank you for your post!

  3. I think it's important to recognize the feelings and make your way through them. Like you said, trying to ignore them isn't working (and won't). Enjoy what you can, but acknowledge the hard, too. You ARE pregnant :)

  4. I don't know how much time you spent on BBC with Bug, but that permanently increased my pregnancy anxiety. Not only for my pregnancy with Fynn (which, okay, did come immediately after a miscarriage after eight months of trying), but also affects how I feel whenever someone around me is pregnant. Hopefully this eases up for you so you can more fully enjoy this amazing time. And hopefully it eases for me before I have to deal with parenthood.