Thursday, May 31, 2012
The Fear Factor
I think that I have pinpointed part of the reason that this pregnancy feels so surreal. I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out, but it's the Fear Factor. Any woman that has dealt with pregnancy after infertility, pregnancy after loss, adoption after an adoption failed all know this feeling. It's an overwhelming fear that some greater force has made the decision that this baby is not meant to be.
I believe in God. Strongly. I believe that what happens is his will. But that doesn't take away the fear factor. That wouldn't make a loss any easier, or another cycle after a loss any easier.
I've realized over the last few days that I spend time every day worrying. Wondering. Fearing. Agonizing. Being Scared. Every Day. I remember this now from the pregnancy with Buggie. It never fully went away, but it did get easier as the weeks went on. As I passed the 12 week mark and the threat of miscarriage reduced. Getting the RhoGham shot and the threat of loss reduced. Passing viability. Making it into the 3rd trimester. Making it through bed rest and threatened pre-term labor with the baby still safe and snug inside me. Making it to my due date, and then yes, even overdue.
So, as this realization hit me, as it really sunk in today that I've been fighting this feeling I'm making myself a promise. This will, most likely, be my last pregnancy. I will not waste time worrying about it. I will trust in God, and yes, pray that he keeps us all safe, even this tiny new life growing inside of me. I will take one day at a time, and enjoy every moment of this life being in the one place that I have a little more control over keeping it safe.
I will live every day knowing that Today, I am Pregnant.