Excited. Amazed. Love.

So.  I don't even really know where to begin this post to be honest.  I think I've mentioned before that I'm having some symptoms.  It started last Sunday with the insane craving for Clausen pickles.  yes, it had to be Clausens.  I've eaten almost 3 jars in a week.

Then Monday I started feeling some twinges.  Those came and went for the next few days.  I got bloated, then it got better (although the pregnant looking tummy stayed) and now I'm bloated again (I mean, it feels like my stomach wants to explode out my sides).  I've started struggling with some heartburn.  I'm finding myself very tired, but at times I cannot sleep.  I've started waking up 2 or 3 times a night to pee.

Can anyone see where I'm going?

So on Friday, I peed on an OPK.  I've heard that they can work as a pregnancy test.  But see, the thing is I promised K that I wouldn't POAS without his agreement to do so.  So I figured that since it wasn't really a pregnancy test it didn't count, right?  Well, these OPK's were expired.  Like WAY expired.  Like 2009 expired.  I found them when we moved, they were from back when we were trying to conceive our first, before we knew the score, before we knew we needed IVF with ICSI.  And 2 beautiful lines showed up.  Whoa.  But hey, it's SO expired, and they came up kinda fast, so I'm totally not buying it.

Yesterday we were at Target and I got a wave of nausea.  Like I thought I was gonna toss my cookies.  It hung around for a few minutes and went away.  Of course I told K about it.  I asked him about testing, he didn't want to.  He said it was like a kid on Christmas morning, but Christmas isn't until Friday (day of my beta blood test).  I told him that Christmas was really this weekend.  He didn't agree.

We went out last night with S, you may remember her as she is one of the other mommas that I donated my frozen breast milk to.  Her daughter is now 17 months, and she and her husband were in town (without their 4 kids) for a conference.  So Nana babysat and we went out.  Late.  We didn't get home until after 1:00.  I was the DD and the other 3 had some drinks.  It was a lot of fun!

Bug woke me up a little earlier than normal today.  I let K sleep as he had a bit to drink and had to work today.  I lay in bed listening to Bug chattering in her crib for about 20 minutes.

Then I couldn't take it anymore, because I KNEW.  Just like I knew our first IVF failed.  I KNEW.  So I did it.  I took a test.  I'm 10dp3dt (10 days past 3 day transfer).  On the early side but not too early.  I tried hard not to stare at the stick.  But there it showed up.  A bit light still, but it's there. The picture below is hard to see it in.  But it's there.  Positive.  POSITIVE!  I'm pregnant!!

I climbed on the bed and whispered in K's ear that he could be mad at me if he wanted.  He was all like 'what?' in his sleep.  So I told him he was gonna be a daddy again, that I'm pregnant, and I proceeded to cry.  He smiled so big.

OMG, I'm pregnant.  I can't seem to stop saying it over and over.  To think it over and over.  To just touch my tummy and know what is going on.  I can't quite wrap my brain around it yet.  I'm amazed, happier than words can say.  I keep thanking God.  The fear creeps in just a little that it won't last, but really, very little can stop the way I am feeling right now.

Thank you all for your support!  It's been amazing.  I can't wait to keep you all up on the continuing saga!

Don't Ignore

So, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  The campaign asks bloggers to start a blog with the words Don't Ignore.  So, here goes.

Don't ignore your Heart.  So many of us that deal with Infertility learn to put our feelings in a place where they are unreachable.   It's a protection really, and I'm well known to do it myself.  But we must remember not to ignore our heart, ignore those feelings when they need to creep up.  We need to allow ourselves to feel, to really feel, what infertility is doing to us, what it is taking away.  That raw open wound that is easier to hide away, but facing it allows you to grow from the experience and move on as necessary.  It allows you to say Goodbye to those little souls you've lost, to those babies that could have been.  It allows you to keep moving forward, pushing towards your goal.

Don't ignore Hope.  This is a tough one.  Without hope we can't make it through.  With hope we are torn down  time and time again.  Without it we think we can move through the motions of making a baby with nothing attached to it.  With it we allow ourselves to put everything we have into doing what must be done, into doing all the things that may just work for us even if they haven't worked for someone else.  (or maybe they have, and that's why we're trying it).

I wish I could write as eloquently as so many of the bloggers that I follow.  When I think of these posts, it seems like I can get my thoughts all straightened out, but when I put it 'on paper' it never comes out just right.  I don't know if I really get my point across sometimes.  This is no different, but what I'm trying to say is that without heart, and without hope, the attempts are so much more difficult.  Yes, easier in some ways because you can distance yourself.  But in the long run that is so bad.  After months or years it wears you down and will eventually break you.  If you remember to let your feelings have their time and place, if you remember to keep hoping when it seems impossible, then you will be able to make the right treatment decisions for your given situation, and then you will be able to live with those decisions and the possible outcomes.

Please remember those in your lives that do not have children.  If they've never told you it's because they don't want children, then that may not be the case.  They may have spent much time struggling to reach that dream that for some is so difficult to reach.  They may still be trying, they may be mid treatment cycle, they may have just failed another, or maybe even just found out the last one worked but they're not ready to tell yet.  They may have recently suffered a miscarriage, or another miscarriage.  They may have finally chosen to live child free.  They may be struggling on the path to adoption, waiting for the call to come.  One never knows the struggles that someone is going through, and this is one of the most difficult there is.  It's life changing in so many ways.  It makes relationships stronger and breaks them up.  It wipes out savings accounts, racks up debt, keeps someone from buying a house, going back to school, taking a dream vacation, or quitting the job they hate; maybe even to be a stay at home parent to their first miracle.

Don't ignore the human side of infertility.  It's not all about stats, it's all about people and their dreams.

The wait drags on

It seems like this two week wait is dragging on. So slow. Like really slow. I mean, like molasses. Did I mention it's going slow? It's funny how this cycle is coming along so different. From the get go. I mean, the first time around we had troubles with meds, cancelled cycles, the full cycle didn't go well. The day before the transfer we were ready to transfer 3 because they looked so bad. Then none made it to freeze. I played it safe after the transfer, took it easy for 4 days, didn't lift anything heavy. This time around we had a great cycle, a smooth retrieval and transfer of 2 beautiful embies. 6 made it to freeze on transfer day (at the cleave stage) and 4 more made it to freeze on Saturday at the blast stage. (last time they all died before they reached blast stage). I hardly relaxed for 1 day (it's hard with a toddler around!) but managed to not really lift her on day 1. Day 2 was a different story, I went back to work, picked her up from daycare, and then K got sick. Yep, he caught the fun strep throat I had 2 weeks ago - apparently it has a 2 week incubation period. But I digress.

 So, I'm bloated. Like really bloated. I've gained a couple of pounds, but I LOOK pregnant. I think I may call the RE tomorrow and just ask about OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome). I've been a little short of breath, nothing bad, but that with the bloating, I'm just wondering. But that gives me even more hope, because this weekend would have been implantation. If I get pregnant, then the OHSS will get a little worse, and I didn't have the symptoms before. So I'm hoping that this means HCG is starting to course through my system while one or both of my babies snuggle in for a good long haul. Blood work isn't until a week from Thursday. I'm considering peeing on a stick this weekend. I just don't know if I can do it, I want to know so bad. Plus next Thursday I have to travel for work, so I'd have to ask to either do it a day early or postpone the test a day, because I don't want to get bad news and have to drive. I just don't know what to do.

 On another note, I had an interview for my boss' position on Friday. I still think he's got someone external picked out, so I asked him if I didn't get it to give me some advise, he said keep doing what I'm doing as I'm a shining star and have a great future there (woot) and to get my masters. Some of you may remember when I took my GMAT late last year (and didn't do very well), but then the new job happened, and the move, and I just haven't made it happen. So I will, soon. Fall or Spring, and that's scary with (hopefully) 2 kids at home (or maybe 3, who knows!!) Ahhh, the joys of life.

Transfer!

So yesterday when the embryologist called they said that there were 15 embryos that were still dividing and looking good.  8 of them looked really good at 4 cells or more.  So, they decided on transfer this morning.

So we got there about 11:15 with a VERY FULL BLADDER.  Man do I hate that part.  They did the transfer probably around noonish, and we transferred 2 beautiful embryos.  1 that was 8 cells and 1 that was 9 cells.  They said that there were so many that looked so good it was hard for them to choose which ones to transfer.

When they took me back for the transfer it was really neat, because they showed the embryo's up on a big screen that we could see, so we watched them suck them up into the catheter.  And cue tears.  Yep, I'm nice and emotional because of all this and the progesterone.  I laid flat for 20 minutes, then finally relieved my overfull bladder.  We left, grabbed some lunch, and came home.  I've been just relaxing all day.  Mom's here now helping play with Bug as K had to work (he's flight instructing now, have I mentioned that?!), and I want to take it easy.  Except I had to go to the bathroom earlier, and it was a bit, um, tough, so now I'm all freaked out.  But it'll be OK.

So they froze 6 embryo's today, and have 8 more that they're going to watch for a couple of days and freeze what they can.  Once all are frozen they'll send me an email detailing everything out.

I'm so hopeful it's scary.  I just pray that it doesn't all come crashing down.  But if it does, I know that we can make it through it as a family - K, Bug, me and God.

K isn't home to give me my PIO shot on time, so either I have to take it late, or hit up the nurses next door that I only kinda know and see if one of them will give it... I think I might try the nurses.  Plus I'm taking doxycycline (hates my stomach) and Medrol (to help keep my body from rejecting the embabies).

Welcome to the hellish Two Week Wait.  Blood test is exactly 2 weeks from today.

It seems like a lifetime.

Fertilization Report

So the embryologist called at about 8:30 this morning to give me the fertilization report.  25 eggs were removed, one fractured which she said was normal when there's a lot of eggs.  Of the 24 remaining, 20 were mature, so they ICSI'd all 20.

Because we have male factor infertility, and it's really not good (he doesn't have a lot, they are misshapen (think multiple heads/tails), don't swim well if at all, and aren't very strong), we do IVF with ICSI.  Normal IVF is where they put the egg and the sperm in a dish together and let them do their thing.  IVF with ICSI is where they actually inject the sperm directly into the egg.  So the sperm doesn't need to be able to swim well, doesn't need to be able to break into the egg, etc.

So, out of the 20 that were mature and ICSI'd, 16 of them fertilized normally.  These are good numbers compared to our last IVF (12 mature eggs, only 7 fertilized normally and those were all slow growers).  Now, I don't know yet how these babies are doing, they were all at 1 cell this morning, but that is exactly where they expected them to be.  So I'll hear more tomorrow, and I'll know tomorrow if we are going to do a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

On a side note, we started the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots tonight.  They weren't fun, but the worst part was the initial poke.  K had a REALLY hard time doing them though, he said he really felt the shot going in through fat and muscle and it kinda skeeved him out.  Hopefully he won't have any problems continuing to give me these shots.

As I've been all talk about IVF lately, on the Bug front... She wanted daddy to put her to bed tonight which is why I am getting a minute to do a post.  She found crayons, really found them, today during the day.  She's been pretty uninterested in them before now, but today she colored all over the glider stool and two walls.

Welcome to toddler hood LOL.  guess we'll be buying some Mr Clean Magic Erasers - I've heard they work well on crayon on walls!!

Retrieval

First I want to thank everyone for their loving comments lately.  I know I haven't been as good a commenter as I like to be, and I apologize for that!

So, this morning was retrieval.  It went really well!  We dropped bug off at around 7am, got to the docs just about 8:15 (yes, traffic is THAT bad for the trip from daycare to the RE's - it should only be about a 35 minute drive, or 55 from the house).  First we went back and talked to the nurse about what will go on in the next few weeks.

Mainly the PIO shots.  PIO = Progesterone in Oil.  This shit looks MEAN.  I mean really, who wants to inject a SLOW moving oil into their body Every.  Single.  Night?  I don't care, if it means that a pregnancy will hold, I'll take it.  Back in 2008 we did vaginal progesterone suppositories.  For what it's worth, those had their own issues.  The one I took I had to insert 3 times a day, and it spent the next few hours slowly dripping out.  Yep, it was fun.  Anyways, she explained that once we get a fetal heartbeat (God willing this works) then we may be able to switch to a suppository.  Either way, she marked my back on where K should give the shots, explained things to watch/call her for.  She talked about the estrogen patches, the Medrol (to help keep my body from rejecting the embryo) and the doxycycline I'll have to take around transfer as well.

I sat there with ovaries that felt like melons and listened to this, and it really made everything feel real.  I was nervous, nervous that there wouldn't be any eggs, nervous that all this won't work.

Then they took me back to my pre op room, did all my vitals, got in my IV.  I walked to the OR and climbed up on the bed.  The Nurse Anesthetist gave me the first of 2 drugs and I felt a little happy woozy.  Then they got my arms in position, my legs in position.  I remember the Anesthetist mentioning something about the next med, and the last 2 things I remember was the RE coming in and two nurses talking about the leg stirrup thing being loose.  The next thing I remember is waking up back in my pre-op room.

They caught 25 eggs.  I was sore, came home and napped, but feeling pretty good now.  I get one more night of no shots, then I start the PIO tomorrow night.  I will find out tomorrow morning how many eggs were mature, and the fertilization report.  I will talk to the embryologist every day until my transfer, which will either be Thursday or Saturday.  This office advises no bed rest - basically they say it will work or it won't, and bed rest won't change that.

I'm praying for these little eggs, that by now should be my little embryo's, my little babies.  They let me keep my necklace on the whole time.  Let me tell you why this is important.

The first mothers day after our IVF back in 2008 failed, K got me this necklace.  It's the birthstone for our two little babies that never made it.  Our two little babies that made us PARENTS.  They have been here, watching over me this entire cycle.  They were there today, keeping their arms wrapped around my eggs, and will be there the day of transfer.

Just a few more days and I will be Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Hopefully in 3 weeks(ish) I will bet getting a blood test that tells me that I am pregnant.  I'm feeling vulnerable right now, and I just keeping praying to God that this is all meant to be, that this will be our second take home baby.

Trigger?!

So yesterday morning we went in for another ultrasound and bloodwork.  There were TONS and TONS of follies on both sides, and my estrogen was at 2969.  The RE I saw said that he felt there would be about 10 - 16 mature by Monday.

So....

I triggered last night at 10:00pm.  We have to be at the RE at 8:30am tomorrow morning for a 10:00 am retrieval.

I have to be honest, it almost doesn't seem real to me right now.  To us really.  After all we dealt with back in 2008 with IVF it's amazing that our first try at a cycle with a brand new RE is going so good.  It scares me a little that it'll all fall apart, but I'm keeping the hope that it won't.  I POAS this morning, and of course since you trigger with HCG it was positive.  I wanted to make sure it was.  I packed the second test away in hopes that I'll be using it in a couple of weeks for another, better positive.  I want this to work so bad, but every day I pray to God and let him know that I know his will will happen, and that there's nothing I can do about it, and that I accept that no matter how hard it is/will be.  I just hope hope hope it works out the way I want it to, the way I pray it will.

So yesterday, on top of the appointment and trigger, was my birthday.  I turned 32.  I've never really been a big birthday person, although since I was pregnant on my 30th they have been better.  Nana babysat and we went out to dinner, and then bought me a couple of new work shirts that I needed.  Nothing real exciting, but it was a TON of fun.  So nice to get out of the house.  Plus we needed to keep me up until 10 for the trigger, which I've been unsuccessful in doing lately (the hormones just wear me the heck out).

So I'm a bundle of nerves about everything, but at the same time strangely calm.  I don't know if that even makes sense, and I sure can't explain it.  I'm just hoping and praying for the best, and keeping my head held high.  The money is paid, we are now here.  This is it - our last shot at having a baby that looks like the both of us.  I'm at peace with that decision, and whatever decision we make if it doesn't work.  But that doesn't mean it's easy, because it's not.  I'm emotional over it.  But then I look at my bank account and know that financially and emotionally this being the last shot is the right thing.

Deep breathing.  Hopefully tomorrow goes smooth.

Ultrasound and Bloodwork x2

So this morning we had our second u/s and b/w since starting stims last Friday.  So it was after 6 days of stims, since tonight will be our 7th day.  It went better than anticipated.  My estrogen levels were just under 900, which is AMAZING for me.  One follicle (follie) was at about 16, and then 8 more on the right and 6 more on the left that they feel will be mature when we retrieve.  Saturday is our next appt, possible retrieval Monday.

I.  Am.  So.  Excited!!!!!  (now if I can just get rid of this cold.  Yep, you heard me right.  Now I have a cold too.  Can't catch a break)

3 shots in

and boy do I feel like I've been hit by a truck.  It doesn't help that not only am I feeling the side effects of the Lupron and Follistim (weepiness, headache, exhaustion) but I apparently came down with the Flu on Friday night/Saturday morning.  I mean, hardcore fever and serious body aches, on top of the headache that I already had.  Stuffiness and sore throat decided to throw themselves into the mix, I mean why not?  With so many other issues they wanted to join the party.

By Saturday night I was running over 104 degree fever and K though he'd have to take me to the ER.  I took a nice cool bath and it brought it down a couple of degrees.  I talked to the RE about it, they were not worried.

The follistim hasn't been too bad.  Although yesterday really brought on the weepiness full force.  I mean seriously, we're watching the news tonight and the story was about a woman who was pretending to be a Vet working at an animal hospital to pay for her drug problem.  She was caught, and as they are going over the story, I'm crying.  K looked at me like I was insane.

Um, yeah.  I love me some good reasons to cry.  Crazy fake addict vet ladies top that list man, doesn't everyone cry at stories like that?

This morning I had my u/s and b/w.  All looked good, although I don't know what my estrogen level was - I felt too crappy when they called me.  Either way, I am to remain on 5 units of Lupron and 125 units of Follistim.  Next u/s and b/w is on Thursday.  Keeping my fingers crossed that I feel better tomorrow, and that the next appointment goes well!!

The next step: Stims

So had my baseline ultrasound on Tuesday morning.  All looked good and quiet, just like they like.  Nice thin lining (since I had just had AF), a bunch of little follies (follicles) on each side, no cysts or anything.  They drew my blood, and I sat down with the nurse.  She wasn't sure if I'd start then or wait, so she'd have to call me back to verify.  She did say that I would start out on 125 IU of Follistim.  Oh yeah, and I left and forgot to pay.  Oops.

So, she called back and said they wanted me to wait to start stims until Friday.  Tonight.  I was a little bummed, but it was OK.  I'm doing really good so far with just going with the flow this cycle.  I am a little nervous to start the stims tonight though.  I know it'll be OK, but it's just a little nerve wracking.  So I have 13 minutes until shot time.

Next ultrasound and bloodwork are Monday morning at 7am.  I'll let you all know how it goes!!

What's next?

Well, AF was supposed to show sometime mid week and she didn't.  I started spotting, but that was it.  So I called the RE's office and we had to reschedule my baseline for Tuesday.  It really works out OK, because they don't have the results of my cystic fibrosis test back yet, and won't until Monday.  They want to have that back before we move forward.

So I did finally start in the wee hours of the morning Saturday morning.  So, I'm ready.  I'm ready to get this show on the road!!  The nurse said she's going to try to convince the RE to let me start the Follistim the night of the ultrasound instead of waiting until Friday.  I hope she can.

So Tuesday.  Have my meet and greet with the wand, hopefully start stims, and make a nice big payment of $9,800.  Yep.  Sounds like Fun.

On another note, K and I got away for the weekend.  Nana watched bug and we headed to Indianapolis.  It was a really nice getaway and we got our taxes done.  Friday night we went out and had a real nice dinner at a habichi grill, then grabbed a beer within walking distance of our hotel.  We've been doing the Lupron shot at 9:00, so we were sitting outside with our beers and I gave myself the shot, just sitting at our table.  No one seemed to notice!  It was an awesome weekend.  I couldn't have asked for a better time.  It was refreshing to say the least, although I didn't get the good sleep I was hoping for.  Both K and I are sick and coughing like mad men.  So my first few hours of sleep each night was in the crappy lazy boy so that I could be partially sitting up.  Fun times.

So, the Lupron has not been enjoyable.  I've now got the Lupron headaches, which suck.  My past experiences tell me that they will go away once we start the stims, so hopefully in the next few days!