Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Sometimes, I hate this lifestyle

Because being a pilots wife is a lifestyle, isn't it?

And sometimes I hate it.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I love it.  I love the time that I have in my routine with the kids when K is gone.  But I love him coming home.  Like really love him coming home.  And then that time home with him?  It's wonderful, and needed beyond anything I could ever explain.

But sometimes it's really really hard.

K left early this morning for his first week actually 'on the job' after his 3 week training.

Last night we were reading to the kids together before bed, and Goose made it clear that he was ready to nurse.  So I left K to finish reading to Bug, and took Goose to bed.  After I nursed him, sang to him, and got him down I stepped outside and went to go back into Bug's bedroom.  But I paused for a moment and listened before going in.

K was talking to Bug about having to leave this morning.  It was low so I just caught snippets of what he was saying.

But it was what Bug said that broke my heart.

When there was a pause in what K was saying, Bug simply said 'No go daddy, no go.'

It simultaneously broke my heart and made me smile.  I know it broke his heart too.

I let him have his moment with Bug, and I headed downstairs to finish some things from dinner.

So he told me that he let her he would kiss her good bye this morning.  I knew what time he was getting up (4:40) and what time he had to be out the door (5:15) so I didn't want him to go into her room, I knew it would wake her up.

But I couldn't tell him that.  He needed to make that decision on his own.  And I sure couldn't tell him that he couldn't say good bye to his little girl.

So he did this morning, and she ended up whimpering in bed next to me after he left.

It. Was. Miserable.  I felt so bad for her, so horrible, so sad.

K agreed that he wouldn't do a morning good bye again if he left that early.  It was miserable for him too as he was trying to pry her arms from around his neck while she cried into his shoulder.

So tonight my mom picked up the kids for me as I had a work function that had me out just a little later than normal.  I was home by 6, so in time for dinner and bed.  When I got home mom said the kids had been good.

I swear, within 5 minutes, Bug was a MESS.  An absolute wreck.  Didn't want to eat dinner, didn't want to get ready for bed, do her hair, let Goose get anywhere near to her, let anyone touch her.  I tried talking to her about understanding that she misses daddy, but nothing helped.

It finally ended in bedtime without her normal Curious George episode while we get ready, and with no books.  She earned back a song by letting me braid her hair.

After I get Goose down, I went back into her room and cuddled with her for a bit.  I curled up into her and stroked her hair.  I whispered in her ear that I loved her, and that I knew she missed daddy, and so did I.  She simply curled into me more and laid there.

I hate that every time he leaves it throws off everyone's routine.  I hate seeing what it does to our little girl.  I hate that she can't fully communicate just how it affects her.

And sometimes, I hate this lifestyle.

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