will i regret it?

I try to live by the adage that I will regret more what I don't do than what I do.

Tonight I didn't nurse bug. When I did last night it was so precious, so bittersweet. It was the last time. Possibly ever. That's hard. I hope to God these next few days are easy. I hope to God I don't regret this decision.

Today I will say it. I hate infertility and the choices it forces me to make. Today I am trying my best not to let it drag me down. Today I take deep breathes and allow myself to feel that hatred.

Tomorrow I can move on. But I will allow myself this tonight.

my heart is heavy

Last night was the first night I didn't nurse bug before bed. K and i agreed to try every other night for a bit to see how it went. She woke up shortly after 2 and hardly slept after. Stupid me tried to go in and comfort her which I think made things worse. After 45 mins or so k relieved me, and never made it back to bed. It was just when I was about to give in and nurse her.
We have tried so many lovies, but she never takes to them. She never took a paci. I have always been her sole source of comfort. Lately when she gets stressed she has started frantically pulling at my shirt. Going from the bottom and pulling up, from the top and tugging down. Pulling in general. When I hold her she puts a hand down my shirt and holds on my boob, plays with my nipple.

Tonight I nursed her. I held her so close and watched her. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of this beautiful relationship wash over me. I tried to memorize the slight pull of the nipple, the tender brush of her fingers on my chest. The contented sighs she makes without realizing it.

Right now, at this moment, I am wishing stronger than ever before that we weren't infertile. I do not yet feel ready to end this. I'm not sure she is ready either. But when will we be? How can I put off trying for another when I know it could be years before she is ready? We are not willing to wait that long. If we do I think we wouldn't try again. It would be too hard, not that its easy know.

Maybe I'm extra weepy because AF is on her way (or is she? Where the hell is she? If Dr McFunny hadn't done a transvag ultrasound and looked at my lining I'd be wondering.....).

I'm not loving all of lifes little what ifs. What if I do wean and we can't get pregnant? What if we don't wean now, will we ever have another? What if I just wait a little longer? What if what if what if.

Thank you Ordinary Girl for the sweet words, it is so nice knowing that someone knows how I feel in this situation.

Thank you to all everyone else that gave me love on my last post, it means so much to me!

On another heavy note. My heart hurts for a friend who can't seem to nurse. She is the last of the pregnant woman in my life for the moment, and she had her little boy on Feb 1st. She has been trying to nurse him, but her milk has never come in. Apparently it didn't with her first either, but she quit early on due to cracked and bleeding nipples. She's trying so hard. We went over for a few hours tonight and had dinner, and she nursed him twice while we were there. She's trying fenugreek, lots of pumping, lots of nursing etc etc. She told me tonight that she keeps thinking about giving up, throwing in the towel. But then she thinks, what if I go just a couple more days and it comes in? Her life is full of what ifs right now too. She wants this, but her body isn't doing what its supposed to. We all have our issues I guess, she is super fertile woman, but can't make milk to take care of her little ones.

And it begins....

So we met with RE#4 on Thursday.  SO much better than Dr Duh.  We'll call him, well, Dr McFunny.  He had a great sense of humor (towards the end of our conversation K was just straightforward and asked him 'this isn't your first rodeo, right? and Dr McFunny looked at him all innocently and said 'yep, it is.  I think I'm doing a good job so far, don't you?  ha ha ha).  The sense of humor I think helped win K over as that is the kind of person he is.  By the end of our 50 mins or so with him, K and I agreed that he was our guy.  So that day, we got an ultrasound just to see how everything looked, a mock transfer to make sure that the cath still went in smooth, blood work for both K and I, urinalysis for both K and I, and an SA for K.  The meds were ordered either Friday or will be on Monday.  They sent us home with the 'pen' that we'll use for part of the injections.

We're really doing this. HSG.  Then it's just a matter of finishing weaning Bug.  K and I agreed to come up with a plan this weekend to do so.  As long as we do, then on day 21 they'll check my progesterone, and as long as I ovulated I'll start the Lupron that night.

For those of you followers that are not IF, Lupron is the suppression part of IVF.  It basically puts my body into pre-menopause.  It keeps me from ovulating.  Then once I have a period I'll have a baseline ultrasound, and we'll get started with the stims (that feed the eggs).

We are both excited and nervous all in the same.  We talked last night and still agree just one go round of IVF, and then FET with any frozen embryo's that we may have.  We agreed to consider one round to include retrieval and transfer, so cancelled cycles don't count.

The meds protocol is different than what I've done in the past, so I'm curious about that.  Lupron is the same (hated it, I can tell how much fun I'll have with menopause), but the food is different.  Sounds way better.  But last time I did progesterone suppositories during the TWW (two week wait between transfer and beta, or blood test).  This time I'll do PIO, which is progesterone in oil, and I've heard it sucks.

Here goes nothing.  It's in God's hands, and Dr McFunny's hands on if we get pregnant with a baby that is biologically K's.  The stress level is different as we haven't been 'trying' even though we haven't been preventing.  It's not our first rodeo, so we knew going into it what we needed to do, and that saved us time, stress, and money.

Now, to stress about cleaning out savings while K still doesn't have a job.  But now is the time to do it.  We can be broke for the next few years if it means giving Bug a sibling, at least giving it a try.

Breastfeeding and TTC#2

It seems that I continue to struggle with weaning Bug. I know in part it's because I'm so afraid that I'll wean her, we won't get pregnant with IVF, and then I'll regret weaning her. This is so new to me, someone who, sadly, thought it was creepy to wean past 12 months. We are now almost at 19 months and if it weren't for needing IVF, there would be no end in sight.

Our bodies should work like they're supposed to. I should be able to nurse through pregnancy #2 and let Bug wean when she wants. I should have the OPTION at least to tandem nurse if our relationship would have made it through nursing. Should. Should. Should.

Both Bug and K were very sick last week. I think I might have been the first to have it, but it was short lived for me and I thought it was a mild case of food poisoning. I think it might've been the flu though, as the 2 of them caught it and got really sick for days on end. Once Bug got over the flu she then got the dreaded cold. With her reflux it is taking FOREVER to get over it. So she wants to nurse. We had been down to the just before bedtime nursing session, but now we're back to 2-3 times a day.

I was listening to the song '100 in a 55' the other day and it brought on this crazy bought of nostalgia. I think because the lyrics have so much meaning in regards to what I've been through. Right in the beginning they sing "I still believe that we got a chance, I still believe that we got a chance to be" It speaks to what K and I went through, our separation and then eventual reconciliation. It touches me. Then the chorus in general 'going 100 in a 55 and I don't know why, I'm still alive. But I do what I can but I know I can't take anymore" reminds me of the days leading up to our separation, through all of our primary IF. "I can't go back, I'm in too deep" makes me think of during our separation when I realized I wanted him back, but we were both dating people. Then we worked it all out, and now we are such a happy family of 3 (4 if you include the dog LOL).

Life is amazing. It's hard, but I know that I'll make it through. I know that weaning bug will work out when it's supposed to. I know that when it does we'll start IVF. In a lot of ways I hope it's sooner versus later, but in some I'm OK waiting because Bug deserves to nurse just as long as she wants to.

Hugs to everyone.

these moments will not last

So here I am, lying on the floor with buggie at 1 am. We have been hanging here for almost two hours. Me, wide awake because she woke me so soon after falling asleep, and her on the verge of sleeping but not quite there. She is cuddled up close to me, half on me, as I type this on my phone. She just yawned and ran her fingers along my cheek. I am suddenly filled with the knowledge again that this beautiful moment, like all the difficult ones, will pass. My eyes are full of tears as I know that soon she will not want me when she can't sleep. Soon she will not want to hold me as tight as I want to hold her. Soon my heart will break and mend all over again as she grows more independent and makes her own decisions, which will no longer include k and I.

I came into her room annoyed, because I really want to be sleeping. I will walk out of here a renewed mama as she reminds me, yet again, that this too shall pass.

I love you buggie, with my whole heart and soul. Without you my life would be boring, incomplete. Thank you for these times, thank you for your love, and most of all, thank you for being mine.