Sunday, February 19, 2012

my heart is heavy

Last night was the first night I didn't nurse bug before bed. K and i agreed to try every other night for a bit to see how it went. She woke up shortly after 2 and hardly slept after. Stupid me tried to go in and comfort her which I think made things worse. After 45 mins or so k relieved me, and never made it back to bed. It was just when I was about to give in and nurse her.
We have tried so many lovies, but she never takes to them. She never took a paci. I have always been her sole source of comfort. Lately when she gets stressed she has started frantically pulling at my shirt. Going from the bottom and pulling up, from the top and tugging down. Pulling in general. When I hold her she puts a hand down my shirt and holds on my boob, plays with my nipple.

Tonight I nursed her. I held her so close and watched her. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of this beautiful relationship wash over me. I tried to memorize the slight pull of the nipple, the tender brush of her fingers on my chest. The contented sighs she makes without realizing it.

Right now, at this moment, I am wishing stronger than ever before that we weren't infertile. I do not yet feel ready to end this. I'm not sure she is ready either. But when will we be? How can I put off trying for another when I know it could be years before she is ready? We are not willing to wait that long. If we do I think we wouldn't try again. It would be too hard, not that its easy know.

Maybe I'm extra weepy because AF is on her way (or is she? Where the hell is she? If Dr McFunny hadn't done a transvag ultrasound and looked at my lining I'd be wondering.....).

I'm not loving all of lifes little what ifs. What if I do wean and we can't get pregnant? What if we don't wean now, will we ever have another? What if I just wait a little longer? What if what if what if.

Thank you Ordinary Girl for the sweet words, it is so nice knowing that someone knows how I feel in this situation.

Thank you to all everyone else that gave me love on my last post, it means so much to me!

On another heavy note. My heart hurts for a friend who can't seem to nurse. She is the last of the pregnant woman in my life for the moment, and she had her little boy on Feb 1st. She has been trying to nurse him, but her milk has never come in. Apparently it didn't with her first either, but she quit early on due to cracked and bleeding nipples. She's trying so hard. We went over for a few hours tonight and had dinner, and she nursed him twice while we were there. She's trying fenugreek, lots of pumping, lots of nursing etc etc. She told me tonight that she keeps thinking about giving up, throwing in the towel. But then she thinks, what if I go just a couple more days and it comes in? Her life is full of what ifs right now too. She wants this, but her body isn't doing what its supposed to. We all have our issues I guess, she is super fertile woman, but can't make milk to take care of her little ones.


  1. Big hugs. As you wind down this part of life, don't forget to have K take photos of you and Bug. Might be good advice for your friend, too. Photos, to me, make the memories more vivid and I can look back and know I did this amazing thing. You have done this amazing thing. You are not making this choice because you're so over the whole deal; it's *for* Bug. You are an awesome mama to make such a hard choice.

  2. Oh, I think that's an awesome idea - to get lots of photos of Bug nursing!!!!!! You might suggest domperidone to your friend also.

    As far as you and Bug, my heart hurts for you, too :( I can't imagine having to make that decision and am glad to not be in that position. But, as in all things, follow your gut. You and K are loving parents and you all will find other ways of comforting Bug. It won't be the same, but it will still be more than okay. SHE will be more than okay!

    Hugs, friend.

  3. Oh you're so welcome! I'm glad that what I had to say helped in some way. I really struggled with the weaning process and now I'm struggling with the sleep process, it always seems like there's something that's harder then you imagine and it always seems like infertility makes it at least a bit harder. The thing that I think makes amazing though is that we get it, and maybe fertile mamas do too, but we understand how precious each moment nursing our babies, or rocking or babies, or simply gazing upon their beautiful faces is. I'm not trying to downplay how much fertile mamas love their babies but I know that I am thankful in every moment of the day for Bean, even the hard ones. You'll figure it out, hang in there!