Last night was the first night I didn't nurse bug before bed. K and i agreed to try every other night for a bit to see how it went. She woke up shortly after 2 and hardly slept after. Stupid me tried to go in and comfort her which I think made things worse. After 45 mins or so k relieved me, and never made it back to bed. It was just when I was about to give in and nurse her.
We have tried so many lovies, but she never takes to them. She never took a paci. I have always been her sole source of comfort. Lately when she gets stressed she has started frantically pulling at my shirt. Going from the bottom and pulling up, from the top and tugging down. Pulling in general. When I hold her she puts a hand down my shirt and holds on my boob, plays with my nipple.
Tonight I nursed her. I held her so close and watched her. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of this beautiful relationship wash over me. I tried to memorize the slight pull of the nipple, the tender brush of her fingers on my chest. The contented sighs she makes without realizing it.
Right now, at this moment, I am wishing stronger than ever before that we weren't infertile. I do not yet feel ready to end this. I'm not sure she is ready either. But when will we be? How can I put off trying for another when I know it could be years before she is ready? We are not willing to wait that long. If we do I think we wouldn't try again. It would be too hard, not that its easy know.
Maybe I'm extra weepy because AF is on her way (or is she? Where the hell is she? If Dr McFunny hadn't done a transvag ultrasound and looked at my lining I'd be wondering.....).
I'm not loving all of lifes little what ifs. What if I do wean and we can't get pregnant? What if we don't wean now, will we ever have another? What if I just wait a little longer? What if what if what if.
Thank you Ordinary Girl for the sweet words, it is so nice knowing that someone knows how I feel in this situation.
Thank you to all everyone else that gave me love on my last post, it means so much to me!
On another heavy note. My heart hurts for a friend who can't seem to nurse. She is the last of the pregnant woman in my life for the moment, and she had her little boy on Feb 1st. She has been trying to nurse him, but her milk has never come in. Apparently it didn't with her first either, but she quit early on due to cracked and bleeding nipples. She's trying so hard. We went over for a few hours tonight and had dinner, and she nursed him twice while we were there. She's trying fenugreek, lots of pumping, lots of nursing etc etc. She told me tonight that she keeps thinking about giving up, throwing in the towel. But then she thinks, what if I go just a couple more days and it comes in? Her life is full of what ifs right now too. She wants this, but her body isn't doing what its supposed to. We all have our issues I guess, she is super fertile woman, but can't make milk to take care of her little ones.