So much to say...

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. I've been following blogs still, but not posting as much as I would like. It's just been crazy over the holidays, still settling in, and busy at work. Plus, our work filters now won't let me post, so I have to wait until I get a chance at home, which is rare.

I will catch up later from the holidays, but for today I want to talk about Infertility.

I'm just about due for AF. I know she's coming, but I want to deny it. I've said before that I'm not struggling this time around as badly as I did when we were trying for our first, which is true. But. That doesn't mean it's easy. I'm about 10 months post first AF after Buggie was born. So, we've officially been not preventing, and trying, for that time. I know the chances are so slim of it happening on its own, but I can't help but to hope.

I was never a tester. When trying for our first, I knew, every single month, that I wasn't pregnant. K always wanted me to test, but I never wanted to. I didn't want to see that 1 pink line, that just reiterated what I already knew. Knowing was bad enough. There were a few months that I gave in and tried to appease K, and those were probably the hardest negatives to face. Once we headed down the IVF path he stopped asking me to test. We stopped temping, stopped paying attention to CM (cervical mucous), stopped everything. It was our attempt at gaining some of our control back. Looking back on it now, it never really worked. What it did do was allowed us to take at least 1 step back. It was still the main thing in our lives. The one topic of conversation that was always ongoing, the one thing that pushed everything else back to the back burner.

This time around I've not done any of it. Nothing. The only reason I've even tracked my cycles is because I knew that I'd need to for our RE appointments. Since AF has been back I've been more regular than I've ever been before. Except one month, when K was gone and buggie wasn't sleeping and wanting to nurse all the time. I gave in and tested. The negative was glaring, but I handled it with a shrug of the shoulders. It really was expected, and really didn't have a bad effect on me.

So. I didn't write down my cycle last month, but I know I was at the tail end of it when I had my girls weekend, which was December 10. So, AF is on it's way. I know this. But. I am hoping. I have had these weird twinges for the last week or so. I spotted a little bit after sex over the weekend (which isn't abnormal when AF is on her way), but there's been no more spotting, which is abnormal. Typically I spot off and on for at least a week prior to AF rearing her ugly head. To top it off, a couple times in the last few days there has been what looks like tissue in the toilet after I pee. Maybe a little tinged red, but not really bloody - which I've never had before. I know, probably TMI, but here my brain is hoping it's implantation. One would think I'd be beyond this by now, but obviously that is not the case.

I suddenly find myself wanting to test. I suddenly have this overwhelming urge that maybe, just maybe, I'm pregnant. It's so wrong because I know what will happen. I tore apart the bathroom yesterday when I had 5 minutes away from K looking for a test. I thought I still had one, but alas, I couldn't find one.

I keep hoping that it will miraculously happen on it's own, that way I won't have to wean buggie.  That way if she decides to self wean during pregnancy as I hear happens so often, it's her choice.  I want it to be her choice, not mine.  But I don't want to wait for too much longer since we can't go through treatments if I'm still breastfeeding her.  It's such a difficult decision.  This coming from the woman who never thought she'd nurse past a year.  Buggie is almost a year and 1/2.  It's amazing, and crazy.  I love every minute of it, and so does she.  But I want so badly to start trying to give her a sibling.

**sigh**