Reproductive Endocrinologist?

So, Friday we had our appointment with RE#3 (RE#1 since we moved). Let's call her, hmmmm, how about Dr. Duh. That's what I kind of felt like while we were talking over our history. Once she got down to the nitty gritty she seemed to know what she was talking about, but she just seemed a little air headed or something. We didn't hate her, but didn't love her either.

We honestly walked out both wishing that we had finished what we started back before we moved. We agreed we would have probably used Dr. Erb. Either way, she wants me to get all my cycle testing updated, get an updated sperm analysis and some genetic testing on K. It seemed like these two tests that she wants for him, if they turn out that he has them, she might not want to do IVF w/ICSI with his boys. She gave the impression that she didn't want to play God.

Um. Yeah. Anyone else see any irony here? That's what I thought.

But OK, maybe there are long term repercussions, which we didn't quick think to ask at the moment. So we'll probably get them done.

However. There was another RE here that I had tried to call originally but couldn't get through. So I tried again on Monday, and got through. Set up an initial consult for February 16.

We actually went out to dinner after the appointment on Friday and seriously discussed just stopping the insanity. Just being OK with one kid. This all came up after being slightly disappointed with the RE, with weaning not going well (it's slowly getting better), and just the stress in general. Plus, Bug has been a pill for the last week and a half or so. We really had to talk that one through, discuss the pros and con's to having her be an only child.

But we couldn't agree to that. We want to give it this try. One more time. So I set up this second consult, and we'll see how that goes. Then we'll go from there and make the decision on who we will move forward with. We did agree that if it doesn't work, then we'll stick to our original plan of doing just one IVF, FET if there are any on ice after the IVF, maybe a couple of cycles of donor sperm IUI, and then onto adoption. Still an option if nothing seems to be panning out is to go the one child route.

So much insanity.

tomorrow

We have our appointment with the new potential RE tomorrow. I'm oddly nervous. Buggie isn't taking well to night weaning, AT ALL.

That kind of day

First of all, I managed to get out last weekend for a few minutes without K and picked up a couple dollar store tests.  I took one on Monday and it was negative.  However, I still haven't started, I'm still having strange symptoms.  So if she hasn't showed by mid next week I might take another.  Strange.

I scheduled an appointment for next week with a new RE.  We'll call her Dr. A for now.  I also told my Mom, as she'll be doing some of the babysitting while we attempt to go through IVF again.  In the past my Mom wasn't good with all of our IF stuff.  It was really stressful.  I think I told her a little more information about the process then what she knew, and told her that I may not talk about it that much.  It went well.

So, today.  We got weather overnight last night.  It rained all day and was around the mid 40's yesterday.  Then overnight the temp dropped to 18 or so, and the rain turned to ice then snow.  We got probably around 3 inches.  Not really a big deal.  However.

We bought a new car in April, when we thought we'd be staying in Indianapolis, which doesn't get the snow that Northern Ohio gets.  It's front wheel drive..... but.... it drives like rear wheel drive in the snow.  I made it about 10 - 15 mins out (which took like 30 mins) and had to call K to come save me.  I am now working from home as best I can with my work blackberry for email and calling in for meetings.  This weekend will involve either buying a new car OR getting snow tires for this one.  But we knew we'd need to consider getting another new one in another year and 1/2 or so, around the time that we were hoping baby 2 would come along, as this one won't comfortably fit another kid.  Snow tires will cost probably upwards of $1,000, which would SUCK.

We are still mostly living on just my income.  K finally started getting some unemployment, but we don't want to depend on it.

I'm stressed to say the least.  But, it's all good :-)

Happy Friday!

My heart broke....

At the same time that it was filled up with love.  I know, seems strange, right?

So, K has been staying home with Bug since I came back to work after the move on 11/29.  I knew going into it that it would most likely change the dynamic of our household, at least for a time.  I knew it, and still was not prepared for it to happen. 

I hadn't seen it up till yesterday.  By the time I get home from work everyday Bug just wants to nurse, so she clings to me.  Then it's such a short time between when I get home and she goes to bed that it's a flurry of activity and she never seems to 'prefer' one parent over another.  Same thing in the mornings.

Until yesterday.  She was running around in the morning and fell.  I held back and did the whole not make a big deal out of it to see what she would do.  She ended up crying, so I did pick her up.  Then K walked in and she immediately reached out to him and curled into him so tight. 

It broke my heart.  I've always been the person she wants when she's hurt or not feeling well, and it's so hard to have that change on me. 

But at the same time it filled me up with so much love for both K and bug.  It is so good to see them like this after all that he has missed while being on the road in the air.  The love that he has for our little girl is so amazing, and the way she adores him just melts me.  I love it.

She did make me feel better last night, it was K's turn to put her to bed and after I said good night and walked out she was crying for me and reaching for me.

Big hugs to all the pilot's spouses out there who do not get to spend the holiday with their loved one.  I know how difficult this is, and I feel very blessed that K is home.  I will keep each of you in my prayers that your loved one will return home safely, and that you'll have a great time celebrating once they are home.

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago and hadn't been able to post it.  Since then we've had some days where she wants daddy more than anything, but the weekends are a little better since I'm home all day.  She actually wants me again.  I love that little girl, with all of my heart!!

So much to say...

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. I've been following blogs still, but not posting as much as I would like. It's just been crazy over the holidays, still settling in, and busy at work. Plus, our work filters now won't let me post, so I have to wait until I get a chance at home, which is rare.

I will catch up later from the holidays, but for today I want to talk about Infertility.

I'm just about due for AF. I know she's coming, but I want to deny it. I've said before that I'm not struggling this time around as badly as I did when we were trying for our first, which is true. But. That doesn't mean it's easy. I'm about 10 months post first AF after Buggie was born. So, we've officially been not preventing, and trying, for that time. I know the chances are so slim of it happening on its own, but I can't help but to hope.

I was never a tester. When trying for our first, I knew, every single month, that I wasn't pregnant. K always wanted me to test, but I never wanted to. I didn't want to see that 1 pink line, that just reiterated what I already knew. Knowing was bad enough. There were a few months that I gave in and tried to appease K, and those were probably the hardest negatives to face. Once we headed down the IVF path he stopped asking me to test. We stopped temping, stopped paying attention to CM (cervical mucous), stopped everything. It was our attempt at gaining some of our control back. Looking back on it now, it never really worked. What it did do was allowed us to take at least 1 step back. It was still the main thing in our lives. The one topic of conversation that was always ongoing, the one thing that pushed everything else back to the back burner.

This time around I've not done any of it. Nothing. The only reason I've even tracked my cycles is because I knew that I'd need to for our RE appointments. Since AF has been back I've been more regular than I've ever been before. Except one month, when K was gone and buggie wasn't sleeping and wanting to nurse all the time. I gave in and tested. The negative was glaring, but I handled it with a shrug of the shoulders. It really was expected, and really didn't have a bad effect on me.

So. I didn't write down my cycle last month, but I know I was at the tail end of it when I had my girls weekend, which was December 10. So, AF is on it's way. I know this. But. I am hoping. I have had these weird twinges for the last week or so. I spotted a little bit after sex over the weekend (which isn't abnormal when AF is on her way), but there's been no more spotting, which is abnormal. Typically I spot off and on for at least a week prior to AF rearing her ugly head. To top it off, a couple times in the last few days there has been what looks like tissue in the toilet after I pee. Maybe a little tinged red, but not really bloody - which I've never had before. I know, probably TMI, but here my brain is hoping it's implantation. One would think I'd be beyond this by now, but obviously that is not the case.

I suddenly find myself wanting to test. I suddenly have this overwhelming urge that maybe, just maybe, I'm pregnant. It's so wrong because I know what will happen. I tore apart the bathroom yesterday when I had 5 minutes away from K looking for a test. I thought I still had one, but alas, I couldn't find one.

I keep hoping that it will miraculously happen on it's own, that way I won't have to wean buggie.  That way if she decides to self wean during pregnancy as I hear happens so often, it's her choice.  I want it to be her choice, not mine.  But I don't want to wait for too much longer since we can't go through treatments if I'm still breastfeeding her.  It's such a difficult decision.  This coming from the woman who never thought she'd nurse past a year.  Buggie is almost a year and 1/2.  It's amazing, and crazy.  I love every minute of it, and so does she.  But I want so badly to start trying to give her a sibling.

**sigh**