Adulthood

Tonight my maternity leave draws to an end.  

I'm sad.

In a lot of ways I look forward to going back to work, to having adult conversations with all different people, being productive in a work environment.  Yes, I even have to admit that it is nice to know that I won't be holding a screaming baby all day.

But.

I don't want to go back.  I don't want to be an adult again, I want to stay home and play with my babies.  I want to lavish them with love and remember not to get frustrated even if I'm tired (read exhausted).  I want to watch them grow up, watch Bug be a little mama to her brother, and watch all of Goose's firsts.  He started making noises this week, I mean other than crying.  He's really making chattering noises, and it's so cute and sweet.  

I don't want others raising my babies.  Especially not the daycare we are at.  We've been looking for another, but we don't HATE this one, and we can't find one that we like any better (that we can afford).  

Why can't we just be independently wealthy so that we can raise our babies ourselves, only work when we want to, and have an awesome part time nanny/babysitter for just when we need to get out of the house for a few hours?  I know, I'm dreaming, but I'll keep doing so.

K is a little nervous about me going back too.  He hasn't had both the kids by himself for any length of time since Goose has been born, and I know he recognizes it's hard.

Plus, Goose is a mama's boy.  I mean really, a huge mama's boy.  He cries and cries when anyone else is holding him, and tends to calm down when I hold him.  The other day my mom and K were commiserating about how Goose isn't all about them like he is me.  It's sweet and I love it, but I also wish he'd let others comfort him as well, as sometimes I could really really use the break.

So anyways, K is nervous.  He's going to do an amazing job as he's such a good daddy, but I understand his nerves (see paragraph above).  I already felt as though I didn't give Bug as much attention as I wanted to, and I imagine it won't be any easier for him as he learns his own ways to soothe Goose when I'm not around.

This is the end to a wonderful chapter in my life.  Unless God decides on a different type of miracle, we will not be having any more children.  So this is the last of the extended amount of time that I get to spend with my babies at home.  That makes me sad in so many ways.  

The tears haven't come yet, but I know they will.  Just as soon as it really really hits me.  I've been stressing about it, but I think I'm still trying to stay blind to the fact that I'm. Going. Back. To. Work. 

Boo.