Stuff and things

My poor little goose hasn’t been feeling well.  He got his 2 month shots last Wednesday, and Saturday he started running a fever.  It was more than 24 – 48 hours after the shots, so I think it was something else.  As of yesterday he seemed to be feeling a little bit better, but my poor little guy who isn’t a cuddler, was quite the cuddler Saturday and Sunday (which was nice).  But poor Bug was feeling left out and by Sunday evening just needed some attention.  I even called K to see when he’d be done with work on Sunday because I felt so bad for her.  K said today he was drooling like mad, so I'm wondering if teething is starting, or maybe it's a growth spurt, who knows. 

K’s oldest brother Chris came into town last night for a week for work.  He lives on the other side of the country, so we planned on dinner with him last night and again including their mom later this week.  I had a really important stressful meeting at work today, so we decided that K would go grab a beer with Chris after he helped put the kids to bed, so as not to cause me to be out late, the kids to be up late, etc etc.  So, yesterday towards the end of the day at work I texted K to make sure he talked to Chris, the text went like this:

Me: Did you talk to Christ? And can you call your aunt and see if we can email her the stuff then mail the originals?  (she’s doing our taxes)

K: I did talk to Christ, he said change my ways or I’m going to hell

Me: LOL

K: (obviously noting that I didn’t realize my mistake) Read your text QT

Me: Ahhhhh LOL that’s too funny

On another funny, as I was putting on my underwear after my shower tonight I found a tab from a newborn diaper attached to the tag of my undies.  

Interesting.

Gender Disappointment

So as you all know, we didn't find out what we were having when we were pregnant with Goose.  We didn't with Bug either, and they truly were the greatest surprises of our lives, like the ultimate Christmas Day.  I always said that it didn't matter what we had, that I'd be happy.

With Bug I was convinced we were having a boy, and was actually really excited about the prospect of having a son.  Then we had this amazing daughter, and I found this love that I never knew existed.  I couldn't have imagined the outcome any other way.  She was, and is, the apple of my eye.

Going into our second pregnancy, I felt the same way.  Healthy, that's what I hoped for.  On one hand I hoped for another girl, to give Bug a sister and see a friendship blossom like I'd never known (I had brothers).  Plus, we had everything we needed for a girl, plus some.

On the other hand I really wanted a boy.  To have a son, to raise a little boy, to get that mother son relationship that I've envied when I've seen what an amazing bond it is.  Like the father daughter bond that just isn't quite the same as the mother daughter bond is.  The thought excited me so much.

Then Goose was born.  This beautiful little boy, and he was all mine.

A week or so in, the hormonal tornado, the avalanche of post delivery emotions hit me.  I suddenly found myself mourning the little girl that wasn't.

Now don't get me wrong, the connection and love for Goose was profound, and immediate.  The willingness to throw myself in front of a train if it meant saving him was just as strong as it was, and is, for Bug.  The knowledge that we gave Bug her own little man to watch after her was exciting.

But I still found myself mourning the little girl that wasn't.  I like to think that the second embryo that we put in  that day last April, the one that didn't take, was the little girl I find myself mourning.  She was an angel that God decided the world wasn't ready for, so he let her be in our lives for just those amazing, hope filled few days.  I'm OK with this, as like our other embryo angels I know that she will watch over us all, I will memorialize her in some way as I did our others, and I will move on.

I was so afraid to admit to even myself that I had this mourning, this slight disappointment.  I cried over it.  I felt so horrible, I felt horrible because I couldn't believe that I was sad and crying over the fact that I had a little boy instead of another little girl.  I mean, I begged for this baby, for this perfect little boy, and I loved him with all my heart, so why did I feel like this?

I am sure that Infertility in general played a part in my slow acceptance of my feelings.  It's always that shadow that hovers in the background, and at times makes an attempt to block your sun.  I refuse to let it.  I finally admitted to myself that I was sad that Goose wasn't another little girl, that I was mourning that little girl.  I told K that I realized I had wanted a little girl more than I realized, and as it turned out, so did he.  It's OK to feel this way, and I know that now.  It's not a bad thing, it just is.  The quicker you accept it, the quicker you can move on from it and realize the joy that is there waiting for you.

As what I assume to be the baby blues passed, as I felt my hormones make attempts at righting themselves and sleep got a little better, the worst of it passed.  I still mourn that little girl that could have been, but I couldn't imagine life without my little boy.  The little boy that I have this amazing bond with, that mother son bond that I have envied.  The way he wants me over anyone else, the way he rests his hand on my chest as he nurses, the way he looks at me with those clear bright blue eyes as if he's looking into my soul and soothing it, the way he settles immediately when I wrap him in my arms, it's amazing.  Without him I wouldn't be whole, without Bug I wouldn't be whole.  He is the perfect little man to complete our family.

And everyday when I think it's impossible to love my kids any more, because my heart already wants to burst with a love that I never could have imagined possible, one of them does something that just makes me love them more.  Bug is such a little mama and she adores her little brother.  Yes, we have jealousy, but the way she wants to see him and misses him when he's gone, the way she hugs and kisses on him, the way she gives him her most prized possessions, it just warms my heart.

I am a lucky, lucky mama.

Adulthood

Tonight my maternity leave draws to an end.  

I'm sad.

In a lot of ways I look forward to going back to work, to having adult conversations with all different people, being productive in a work environment.  Yes, I even have to admit that it is nice to know that I won't be holding a screaming baby all day.

But.

I don't want to go back.  I don't want to be an adult again, I want to stay home and play with my babies.  I want to lavish them with love and remember not to get frustrated even if I'm tired (read exhausted).  I want to watch them grow up, watch Bug be a little mama to her brother, and watch all of Goose's firsts.  He started making noises this week, I mean other than crying.  He's really making chattering noises, and it's so cute and sweet.  

I don't want others raising my babies.  Especially not the daycare we are at.  We've been looking for another, but we don't HATE this one, and we can't find one that we like any better (that we can afford).  

Why can't we just be independently wealthy so that we can raise our babies ourselves, only work when we want to, and have an awesome part time nanny/babysitter for just when we need to get out of the house for a few hours?  I know, I'm dreaming, but I'll keep doing so.

K is a little nervous about me going back too.  He hasn't had both the kids by himself for any length of time since Goose has been born, and I know he recognizes it's hard.

Plus, Goose is a mama's boy.  I mean really, a huge mama's boy.  He cries and cries when anyone else is holding him, and tends to calm down when I hold him.  The other day my mom and K were commiserating about how Goose isn't all about them like he is me.  It's sweet and I love it, but I also wish he'd let others comfort him as well, as sometimes I could really really use the break.

So anyways, K is nervous.  He's going to do an amazing job as he's such a good daddy, but I understand his nerves (see paragraph above).  I already felt as though I didn't give Bug as much attention as I wanted to, and I imagine it won't be any easier for him as he learns his own ways to soothe Goose when I'm not around.

This is the end to a wonderful chapter in my life.  Unless God decides on a different type of miracle, we will not be having any more children.  So this is the last of the extended amount of time that I get to spend with my babies at home.  That makes me sad in so many ways.  

The tears haven't come yet, but I know they will.  Just as soon as it really really hits me.  I've been stressing about it, but I think I'm still trying to stay blind to the fact that I'm. Going. Back. To. Work. 

Boo.

Updates

So, we did see the infectious disease doc for Bug. He really made me feel SO much better about things. He agreed with my worry, that it was still part of the initial outbreak. He said that the antiviral will keep anything new from popping up while one is on it, but that when you come off of it you may still experience some symptoms as the illness finishes running it's course. Because she has had no other immune issues, he was in no way worried and advised that he didn't even want to do another round of the anti viral.

He reiterated that a huge percentage of people (like 80 or 90%) have the virus in their system by the time they're in their 20's or so. He spent a lot of time with us, going over Bug's history, checking her out and agreeing that the spots she had were herpes sores (the ped wasn't so sure), and just in general talking with us about herpes. It was interesting as he shared with us that there are some (unproven) schools of thought that when the initial outbreak is severe (as Bug's was), those people rarely exhibit symptoms again in their lifetime. I'm crossing my fingers that this is the case for Bug.

He also said that if a baby catches it at 4 weeks or less they treat very aggressively and immediately admit to the hospital. Goose was just shy of 4 weeks when Bug caught this, and luckily he never exhibited any symptoms. The doc explained that due to the fact that I obviously have the virus (I get cold sores rarely) and that he was still working with my immune system on top of breastfeeding probably saved him from catching it. Thank God. I was so worried, so scared, but it sounds like chances are he won't catch it at this point. Bug also seems to be getting over it for the most part, although I do find the starting of sores here and there but then they disappear in a day or so and never even 'explode' so to speak. So, I think we really are past the worst of it!!

On another note, I took Goose to a pediatric gastroenterologist this week to discuss his reflux issues. She wants him to have an upper GI, which I have to do yet, and she added a second dose of Prilosec in at night. We've been doing that for a couple of days and I think it's helping a bit, as long as I can get him to keep the dose down. His sleep for the last week has been horrible, but that could be a million things, after all, he is just shy of 9 weeks old.

Yep, that's what I said, he's 9 weeks old already! And at his GI appointment he weighed in at a whooping 12 pounds flat. He is my oinker, that's for sure!!!

Yep, I've spent a lot of this maternity leave dealing with medical issues. **sigh** I think it's a bit of a blessing that I was on leave for a lot of this though.