I know, crazy! Two posts in one day after almost 2 weeks!
So, I called Kev at lunch today and he didn't answer. So I turned my ringer up to hear it if he called back, and promptly forgot that I did so.
So, 3:00 rolls around and we have a weekly conference call with a lot of departments within my company in regards to expansion efforts. We have been talking, so we are NOT on mute. Can you see where this is going? Suddenly, out of nowhere, my phone rings, loudly, and the sounds of Uncle Kracker singing 'Smile' fill the room. Kev's ring tone. I hit mute on the conference phone and hurriedly ignore the call.
Oops.
The entire room erupts into laughter.
So, the meeting ends and I go listen to my voice mail.
'Man (one of his pet names for me), Um, I did what I wasn't supposed to do.' He sounds all forlorn, and after our conversation today where he told me first that we were moving to China with no internet or computer and then he said he was going to throw the computer out the window, so I got worried. I said he wasn't allowed to throw the computer out the window. Don't get me wrong, his frustrations with this computer are justified. However.
Can we all see where my thoughts went? His laptop just died and we need to buy a new one, please tell me he hasn't killed the desktop too!!!
Focus on the message Mandi. So I do. 'I answered the phone.' For a moment I think to myself 'why is that not OK?' Then my mind reminds me that I am a pilots wife. Answering the phone when you shouldn't means one thing. He has to work.
'And I have to fly out tonight.'
Oh man, I got him for less than a week! So I call him back, and luckily it's just for tonight. He should be back sometime tomorrow. Which is nice because afterwards I realized that I almost had to cancel going to my girls weekend. That woulda been a bummer! I'll fill you in on the Girls Weekend after it happens this weekend.
So, he was awesome. He had already called daycare and let them know that I would be there around 5ish instead of him picking her up around 3ish. He took the dog out so that I don't have to worry about it too much. Oh yeah, and he brought my keys to me at work as I forgot them this morning and therefore had a car key but no house key. That was why he got called, I just know it. It's like washing your car to ensure that it rains! I forgot my keys so he wouldn't be home!
Oh well, I do love my alone time with Bug. We do a lot of bonding :-)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Eats on Feets
I started to write this blog back on 2/9/11. Needless to say, I have been crazy busy. So here it is LOL.
Well, for the third time yesterday (2/8/11) I donated milk to a mama who BF's but doesn't make enough. I think I donated a couple hundred ounces yesterday, and that was after donating around 600 ounces the other two times. All 3 times I have donated to the same mama. Her sweet little daughter, S, is younger than Bug, but it is SO great knowing that I can share something with her little one that she cannot fully give herself.
Why would I donate one may ask? Why would someone use donated milk another may ask? In many parts of the world there are still wet nurses. What is so different? Yes, this mama and I found each other online, but that is it. We have met in person, I do not charge her for the milk, in fact, I ask for absolutely nothing in return. The feeling that I get being able to give another baby breastmilk instead of that baby having to drink formula is an amazing feeling. The first time we met, we met at Starbucks. Bug got hungry while we were waiting. So, as I sipped on my (decaf) tea, I NIP. Mama walked in to see me nursing Bug. I think that even helped make her feel comfortable, that much more a guarantee that Bug was getting the milk that I was sharing with S!
Don't get me wrong, I am not downing on formula. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it! I am just so happy that I can breastfeed, and even happier that I can help another mama that wants to exclusively feed breastmilk. In her case, they tried supplementing with formula and it gave S a lot of gastro problems. Since they have been supplementing with my breastmilk they have gotten rid of all of her gastro problems! That is amazing!
We get so many tests when we are pregnant, and this other mama knows that. I have been honest with her all around. Yes, I was drinking one cup of caffiene a day. Now I don't everyday, but whatever. Yes, I will have a glass of wine after Bug goes to bed sometimes. But you know what? I don't pump again until morning! One glass of wine is out of my system in about an hour, especially considering how much water I drink. So, if I'm not pumping until 8 hours later the wine is LONG gone. Don't forget that there are many theories that a glass of dark beer or wine at night actually help your supply! Yep, I take Zyrtec for allergies, and Fenugreek to make sure that I remain a crazy milk making mama. I still take a prenatal vitamin and a DHA supplement. She knows all of these things and is comfortable with them. Why? Because I breastfeed my own Bug. Bug is growing healthy and strong from my milk. If I can help nourish S, and make sure that she grows healthy and strong and is not in pain from gastro problems, why wouldn't I?
Forever I will know that I have helped a little one get what her mama feels is best for her, in her specific situation. I have had other options to give to other mama's, but this mama and I have a relationship now. I will give to her until she no longer wants it or has no more room for it. Then, and only then, will I offer my overstash to another mama.
On that note, I think it's about time to text them. My deep freeze is full again, I have no more room. Ahh the joys of sharing. The feeling of contentment knowing that I am doing right.
Oh yeah, it's about time to pump :-)
Well, for the third time yesterday (2/8/11) I donated milk to a mama who BF's but doesn't make enough. I think I donated a couple hundred ounces yesterday, and that was after donating around 600 ounces the other two times. All 3 times I have donated to the same mama. Her sweet little daughter, S, is younger than Bug, but it is SO great knowing that I can share something with her little one that she cannot fully give herself.
Why would I donate one may ask? Why would someone use donated milk another may ask? In many parts of the world there are still wet nurses. What is so different? Yes, this mama and I found each other online, but that is it. We have met in person, I do not charge her for the milk, in fact, I ask for absolutely nothing in return. The feeling that I get being able to give another baby breastmilk instead of that baby having to drink formula is an amazing feeling. The first time we met, we met at Starbucks. Bug got hungry while we were waiting. So, as I sipped on my (decaf) tea, I NIP. Mama walked in to see me nursing Bug. I think that even helped make her feel comfortable, that much more a guarantee that Bug was getting the milk that I was sharing with S!
Don't get me wrong, I am not downing on formula. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it! I am just so happy that I can breastfeed, and even happier that I can help another mama that wants to exclusively feed breastmilk. In her case, they tried supplementing with formula and it gave S a lot of gastro problems. Since they have been supplementing with my breastmilk they have gotten rid of all of her gastro problems! That is amazing!
We get so many tests when we are pregnant, and this other mama knows that. I have been honest with her all around. Yes, I was drinking one cup of caffiene a day. Now I don't everyday, but whatever. Yes, I will have a glass of wine after Bug goes to bed sometimes. But you know what? I don't pump again until morning! One glass of wine is out of my system in about an hour, especially considering how much water I drink. So, if I'm not pumping until 8 hours later the wine is LONG gone. Don't forget that there are many theories that a glass of dark beer or wine at night actually help your supply! Yep, I take Zyrtec for allergies, and Fenugreek to make sure that I remain a crazy milk making mama. I still take a prenatal vitamin and a DHA supplement. She knows all of these things and is comfortable with them. Why? Because I breastfeed my own Bug. Bug is growing healthy and strong from my milk. If I can help nourish S, and make sure that she grows healthy and strong and is not in pain from gastro problems, why wouldn't I?
Forever I will know that I have helped a little one get what her mama feels is best for her, in her specific situation. I have had other options to give to other mama's, but this mama and I have a relationship now. I will give to her until she no longer wants it or has no more room for it. Then, and only then, will I offer my overstash to another mama.
On that note, I think it's about time to text them. My deep freeze is full again, I have no more room. Ahh the joys of sharing. The feeling of contentment knowing that I am doing right.
Oh yeah, it's about time to pump :-)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Infertility Emotional Effects
Something I wish I had known when I was struggling with IF, from the beginning. The second time around of trying to get pg will be so different. I know better what to expect. Unfortunately when I was in the middle of it, the depths of it, I didn't know. We got some counseling from someone who supposedly had experience. While she did have some, it was a situation where she tried for a few months, did one month of clomid and got pregnant. I really needed someone who had gone through IVF to better understand me. I'm not saying that she didn't go through a large range of emotions, but even she admitted that she couldn't understand exactly what I was dealing with. Never easy to hear coming from your counselor. Needless to say, it didn't last.
http://www.aolhealth.com/condition-center/pregnancy/infertility-emotional-effect
For those of you that have never dealt with infertility, here is a link that I will likely post again as we go through treatments again. It is Infertility Etiquette from Resolve.org. This is something that I swear I will print and pass out to everyone who knows that we are going through treatment. I will hang it in my office and on my fridge as I did the first time around when I was going through IVF. It is a great resource on how to help you understand what infertiles are dealing with. If you know an infertile, it may even be what helps you to be a good friend to them. Enjoy.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
http://www.aolhealth.com/condition-center/pregnancy/infertility-emotional-effect
For those of you that have never dealt with infertility, here is a link that I will likely post again as we go through treatments again. It is Infertility Etiquette from Resolve.org. This is something that I swear I will print and pass out to everyone who knows that we are going through treatment. I will hang it in my office and on my fridge as I did the first time around when I was going through IVF. It is a great resource on how to help you understand what infertiles are dealing with. If you know an infertile, it may even be what helps you to be a good friend to them. Enjoy.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Monday, February 7, 2011
Infertility, Part 3
Short recap - we agreed to do IVF with ICSI, went through all the injections, everything was cancelled 2 days prior to ER due to OHSS.
So, picking up where we left off... I finally received a call from the RE advising that the RE's in the office had discussed my case. Apparently my case was the talk of the table so to speak. They had made a decision to change my meds protocal to an Antegon cycle. This works a little differently than a Lupron cycle, in that they are not going to stop my body from ovulating right away. Instead, they are going to wait until I have so many follies hit a certain size and THEN start the Antegon and therefore stop the impending ovulation. The point here is to kill off the smaller follies, thereby having less come mature. It's a great concept, right?
So, we have to wait for my next cycle. The wait seems endless, but we are renewed with hope. New Meds, it'll work this time, right?
In so many ways I was secretly hoping AF wouldn't come, hoping that I would be magically pregnant. That somehow one egg lived through my killing of them by Lupron, and managed to hit that tiny minimal margin of us being able to get pregnant on our own. Ouch, that's a hard wish in an infertile's shoes. And one that every infertile knows all too well, one that we all wish month after month after month. Only to be let down, again, when she rears her ugly head.
And she did. I was sad, but in other ways glad, because it meant we could get started again! So, onto the birth control pills I go, started a week before my birthday in April 2008. (Does anyone else think it's SO funny that when going through infertility treatments you start with BCP's, which are meant to KEEP you from getting pregnant? Ohhh the irony.) I hang on the BCP's for a little over a week this time. Then I start the Repronex (stims) just a few days after my birthday. This happens after an ultrasound to verify that my ovaries 'cooled off' enough to start again, which they did.
Ohhh the Repronex. The food for my little eggies. The injection that the first time around made me one big welt. So, they start me right off on a low dose of it. A dose so low that the RE advises that most people's eggies wouldn't live. It's all good though, because I'm cautiously optimistic.
So, an ultrasound on day 5 of the stims. My eggies seem to like this way so far, yep, they seem to be thriving in this environment. But not too much! My numbers are a little high we find, but not too bad. They say keep doing what you're doing, continue with the Repronex only, and we'll see you back in 2 days.
No Antagon yet?
No, they tell me. Why not? Well, my biggest eggies were not quite big enough to start the Antagon. A couple more days, and those should be good, and we'll start the Antagon. Two more days should be FINE they say. No worries about ovulating.
So 2 days pass, and I go back in for more bloodwork and an ultrasound. I'm getting uncomfortable for sure, but NOTHING like what I was the first time around. I'm thinking this is good, right?!
Except.
I know, you're thinking 'nothing can go wrong this time, can it?' I know we were. The odds had to be in our favor this time, right? I'm happy, and floating on a cloud of optimism.
But it was not to be. Again.
They call me with my lab results. An LH surge they say. What's that? I ask them. Well, it means you're ovulating. Those little eggies, all those immature little eggies, are doing there thing. What they're supposed to do of course, but they weren't supposed to do it this early. Now it's too late to do the Antegon. Now it's another cancelled cycle.
*sigh*
So many tears. We still DTD, even though I hurt so bad, just in case. Maybe one egg was mature enough and it would work. Maybe. Maybe.
So, first cycle was cancelled 2/23, second one almost 2 months to the day on 4/24. My heart breaks a little more, my mind shuts off a little further. Why, oh why I ask anyone who knows and will listen. Why is this happening? We've done things right! We got married, bought a house, finished school, THEN and only then did we decide to try for a family. So now, we've been married just shy of 6 years, and a family seems so far off that it is only an unattainable dream. We've officially been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. 2 long, hard years.
So we take another weekend away. And AF rears her ugly head again, this month she is really horrendous, like she is laughing at me as she is busy dashing my hopes and dreams for what seems like the millionth time by now. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away for the rest of forever. I have to take the time to mourn what could have been, and that is so hard, so very very hard. I am a miserable human being. I don't know how to make it through this in one piece. I envy those with children, and find myself judging people that had an easy time making babies. Fertiles. Here I am, part of this club of infertiles, and I don't want to be here.
So, picking up where we left off... I finally received a call from the RE advising that the RE's in the office had discussed my case. Apparently my case was the talk of the table so to speak. They had made a decision to change my meds protocal to an Antegon cycle. This works a little differently than a Lupron cycle, in that they are not going to stop my body from ovulating right away. Instead, they are going to wait until I have so many follies hit a certain size and THEN start the Antegon and therefore stop the impending ovulation. The point here is to kill off the smaller follies, thereby having less come mature. It's a great concept, right?
So, we have to wait for my next cycle. The wait seems endless, but we are renewed with hope. New Meds, it'll work this time, right?
In so many ways I was secretly hoping AF wouldn't come, hoping that I would be magically pregnant. That somehow one egg lived through my killing of them by Lupron, and managed to hit that tiny minimal margin of us being able to get pregnant on our own. Ouch, that's a hard wish in an infertile's shoes. And one that every infertile knows all too well, one that we all wish month after month after month. Only to be let down, again, when she rears her ugly head.
And she did. I was sad, but in other ways glad, because it meant we could get started again! So, onto the birth control pills I go, started a week before my birthday in April 2008. (Does anyone else think it's SO funny that when going through infertility treatments you start with BCP's, which are meant to KEEP you from getting pregnant? Ohhh the irony.) I hang on the BCP's for a little over a week this time. Then I start the Repronex (stims) just a few days after my birthday. This happens after an ultrasound to verify that my ovaries 'cooled off' enough to start again, which they did.
Ohhh the Repronex. The food for my little eggies. The injection that the first time around made me one big welt. So, they start me right off on a low dose of it. A dose so low that the RE advises that most people's eggies wouldn't live. It's all good though, because I'm cautiously optimistic.
So, an ultrasound on day 5 of the stims. My eggies seem to like this way so far, yep, they seem to be thriving in this environment. But not too much! My numbers are a little high we find, but not too bad. They say keep doing what you're doing, continue with the Repronex only, and we'll see you back in 2 days.
No Antagon yet?
No, they tell me. Why not? Well, my biggest eggies were not quite big enough to start the Antagon. A couple more days, and those should be good, and we'll start the Antagon. Two more days should be FINE they say. No worries about ovulating.
So 2 days pass, and I go back in for more bloodwork and an ultrasound. I'm getting uncomfortable for sure, but NOTHING like what I was the first time around. I'm thinking this is good, right?!
Except.
I know, you're thinking 'nothing can go wrong this time, can it?' I know we were. The odds had to be in our favor this time, right? I'm happy, and floating on a cloud of optimism.
But it was not to be. Again.
They call me with my lab results. An LH surge they say. What's that? I ask them. Well, it means you're ovulating. Those little eggies, all those immature little eggies, are doing there thing. What they're supposed to do of course, but they weren't supposed to do it this early. Now it's too late to do the Antegon. Now it's another cancelled cycle.
*sigh*
So many tears. We still DTD, even though I hurt so bad, just in case. Maybe one egg was mature enough and it would work. Maybe. Maybe.
So, first cycle was cancelled 2/23, second one almost 2 months to the day on 4/24. My heart breaks a little more, my mind shuts off a little further. Why, oh why I ask anyone who knows and will listen. Why is this happening? We've done things right! We got married, bought a house, finished school, THEN and only then did we decide to try for a family. So now, we've been married just shy of 6 years, and a family seems so far off that it is only an unattainable dream. We've officially been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. 2 long, hard years.
So we take another weekend away. And AF rears her ugly head again, this month she is really horrendous, like she is laughing at me as she is busy dashing my hopes and dreams for what seems like the millionth time by now. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away for the rest of forever. I have to take the time to mourn what could have been, and that is so hard, so very very hard. I am a miserable human being. I don't know how to make it through this in one piece. I envy those with children, and find myself judging people that had an easy time making babies. Fertiles. Here I am, part of this club of infertiles, and I don't want to be here.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Hodge Podge
I have been moody for the past two days. Today is so ugh worthy it's unbelievable. But for no good reason! I mean, got some stress going on at work, and Kev is about to leave on Sunday again; probably for 2 weeks. But I shouldn't be so UGH!!!
So, he's sending me out for a beer after work. So out I go. Just for one beer (well, probably a glass of wine) then home to him and Bug and pizza for dinner. Ahh, that sounds so nice. Plus he promised me a bath this weekend.
Maybe it's the mix of the stress at work, plus the illness of a long time family friend. This couple, O and A, have been in my life since before I was born. They are great people. O is in her late 60's I think, and A is in his 70's. Well, A has been sick for a long time, and recently developed an infection in both valves of his heart. He is in the hospital back in Toledo, and I have been advised that they are just making him comfortable now. That sucks. Especially as I don't see how I can make it to see him since Kev flies out on Sunday. It's a long drive there, and back, especially with a baby that's on a very tight schedule. :-( Sad times.
Plus my apartment complex has me furious. They were SO unprepared for this ice storm that we got it isn't even funny. They dug the office out, but haven't dug out any of the other sidewalks through out the entire complex!! People that have shovels are digging themselves out! Then, they ran out of salt and can't get any more until Tuesday!!!! The entire walkways are sheets of ice. I've been lucky and haven't fallen yet, but I did slip on my way out this morning and kept a hold on Bug's carseat, but slipped enough that it hit the ice with a thud and slid into a parked car (that was parked in a no parking zone) before I managed to right myself. I'm SO pissed. Especially as yesterday the sun heated the ice up enough that when people walked they were breaking through versus staying on top of the ice. Which means they could have gone out and shoveled! PLUS, they closed the office for 2 days - even though 3 of them live in the complex - because the County said not to drive. But they couldn't walk to work, oh no, mind you, they won't do what they expect the residents to do!! What do I pay them for?!
I left a message for the manager this morning around 9:30 or so, it's now almost 2:00 and have not received a call back yet.
I emailed the corporate office out of TN.
Oh yeah, and I emailed a news station here.
Turns out, I'm not the only one who did either. One of my neighbors was able to name off 6 or so people that have fallen a total of 16 times since this storm on their ice filled side walks. Mind you, my work's sidewalks, daycare, the grocery store, everyone else managed to get theirs taken care of. UGH.
That's right. It's my daughters safety at stake here, I DON'T TAKE THAT LIGHTLY.
So Kev went out and bought sand to put on the sidewalk to gain traction, and I kindly let Corporate know that I would be taking the cost of that sand off of next months rent. Yep, because I pay them to take care of this, and if they don't and I have to, I'm not paying for it!!!
I think I'm done. For now.
So, he's sending me out for a beer after work. So out I go. Just for one beer (well, probably a glass of wine) then home to him and Bug and pizza for dinner. Ahh, that sounds so nice. Plus he promised me a bath this weekend.
Maybe it's the mix of the stress at work, plus the illness of a long time family friend. This couple, O and A, have been in my life since before I was born. They are great people. O is in her late 60's I think, and A is in his 70's. Well, A has been sick for a long time, and recently developed an infection in both valves of his heart. He is in the hospital back in Toledo, and I have been advised that they are just making him comfortable now. That sucks. Especially as I don't see how I can make it to see him since Kev flies out on Sunday. It's a long drive there, and back, especially with a baby that's on a very tight schedule. :-( Sad times.
Plus my apartment complex has me furious. They were SO unprepared for this ice storm that we got it isn't even funny. They dug the office out, but haven't dug out any of the other sidewalks through out the entire complex!! People that have shovels are digging themselves out! Then, they ran out of salt and can't get any more until Tuesday!!!! The entire walkways are sheets of ice. I've been lucky and haven't fallen yet, but I did slip on my way out this morning and kept a hold on Bug's carseat, but slipped enough that it hit the ice with a thud and slid into a parked car (that was parked in a no parking zone) before I managed to right myself. I'm SO pissed. Especially as yesterday the sun heated the ice up enough that when people walked they were breaking through versus staying on top of the ice. Which means they could have gone out and shoveled! PLUS, they closed the office for 2 days - even though 3 of them live in the complex - because the County said not to drive. But they couldn't walk to work, oh no, mind you, they won't do what they expect the residents to do!! What do I pay them for?!
I left a message for the manager this morning around 9:30 or so, it's now almost 2:00 and have not received a call back yet.
I emailed the corporate office out of TN.
Oh yeah, and I emailed a news station here.
Turns out, I'm not the only one who did either. One of my neighbors was able to name off 6 or so people that have fallen a total of 16 times since this storm on their ice filled side walks. Mind you, my work's sidewalks, daycare, the grocery store, everyone else managed to get theirs taken care of. UGH.
That's right. It's my daughters safety at stake here, I DON'T TAKE THAT LIGHTLY.
So Kev went out and bought sand to put on the sidewalk to gain traction, and I kindly let Corporate know that I would be taking the cost of that sand off of next months rent. Yep, because I pay them to take care of this, and if they don't and I have to, I'm not paying for it!!!
I think I'm done. For now.
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