So today was K's leave day. Typically he gets put on the first flight out of the day, but he has 2 days of recurrent a few hours from home. So he got a rental car to drive down, and didn't have to leave until the afternoon.
Made it nice, as he handled kid duty this morning. Normally travel days aren't too bad, it typically hits the kids the next day. Tonight started out great, I was running late from a work meeting and so we did a random dinner sitting on the kitchen floor, and the kids happily got themselves dressed for bed.
But they found 3 pieces of taffy that K left on the counter. They know about the taffy, we were all together when we bought it on a mini vacation this past weekend. They were being so good, so I let them know that after we ate our random dinner and they were ready for bed I let them each have a piece of taffy.
10 minutes later we were getting ready to brush our teeth, and the crap hit the fan. Bug MELTED down. It turned into a 25 minute, throw herself on the floor kicking and screaming temper tantrum. Bubba and I went forward with getting ready for bed while she screamed and threw stuff around. She ended up slamming the door to Bubba's room open, so I put her in her room and closed the door. She kept screaming about wanting to brush her teeth, but not wanting to brush her teeth.
It was epic. I have no idea why (other than the damn taffy). She did finally calm down, brushed her teeth, picked up everything she had thrown around, and then covered up with her weighted blanket to finish calming down.
It still took 30 minutes before all was said and done (he needed to poop, they both needed to get a drink and then be tucked back in, you name it, they needed it).
On a positive note, she did realize she had to poop, and did it; in the toilet. So i'm holding onto hope that we are on the upswing of her encopresis. But I've felt this way a million times before, so we shall see.
Fingers crossed that the next 8 days go as smooth as possible. Lots of changes as Bug starts first grade the day after tomorrow (she's excited!), I go back for my last semester of my MBA next Monday, and Bubba starts preschool (in the school system as a typical peer - same program she did but typical peer versus IEP student) next Tuesday.
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Monday, August 14, 2017
New Direction?
Writing was always very therapeutic for me. I started this blog originally thinking I would share the link with my family and let them keep up with my baby girl, Bug. It became a place to vent in my sleep deprivation, and was my sanity through our last attempt at IVF, and through the birth of our little boy.
It's been a while since i've written. Not because the therapy of writing was gone, but with school and the craziness of 2 young kids, a husband who travels, I just found myself lost in translation, and simply stopped writing.
The last 2 years have been, well, crazy. And now I'm back for a wholly new reason. I need the therapeutic benefits again - for my own sanity.
We have continued to struggle with issues due to the peri anal strep that Bug was diagnosed with years ago, after the initial pediatrician ignored us. We changed peds, included a pediatric GI, resorted to miralax and exalt when I really didn't want to, have had X-rays, clean outs, and find ourselves now in year 4 of dealing with continued encopresis.
She remains on an IEP and continues to struggle. She talks so much, but she's still very unclear, and now we are dealing with some added frustration of having to learn new things in school. That's only going to get worse in first grade, but we added in 'brain breaks' and reviews for her receptive speech as well.
We also started her with a psychologist. We are struggling with sensory issues, depression, anxiety, severe behavioral issues (anger, lashing out both verbally and physically, frustration, etc). Both her and a prior counselor suspect ADHD.
And I'm struggling with it all. Just like she gets frustrated when I sometimes can't understand her, I get frustrated with her (and I shouldn't!!) when she's at her worst, when she's having multiple accidents, when she's refusing to take her medicine, when she's lashing out and hitting, kicking, scratching, screaming at whomever she feels has slighted her. And a slight to her could be as simple as she didn't want you to LOOK at her, at that EXACT moment, in that EXACT way. Even though 2 minutes ago she wanted, DEMANDED you look at her.
I feel touched out, all the time. She's 7 now, but she constantly has to be on you - hanging on you, sitting on your lap, leaning against you. Doesn't matter if you're eating, sitting on the couch, going to the bathroom. She refuses to do anything alone; she won't go to the bathroom by herself, won't come downstairs in the morning alone (and she's an EARLY riser!!! on a good day she's up at 620, on a not good day it's 500am. and everywhere in between). She hangs on you when you try to make dinner.
A few years ago I had my BFF's father in law comment on the amazing amount of patience I had with Bug. I feel like over the years that patience has eroded. I feel like I find myself on the ledge too often, and it breaks my heart, and I feel horrible and I beat myself up when I yell at the kids.
I wonder if I'm picking my battles poorly. And because she melts down every time I tell her no, it makes me second guess and question every. damn. decision I make.
I'm now questioning my own sanity. I'm questioning if I can really be successful at this parenting thing. I'm so scared that I won't raise them to be good people, to treat others right, and to do what works for them; makes them happy. I'm afraid i'm neglecting Bubba because she is so demanding of all effort and energy, and more than half the time it's just me to give it to both of them. I'm trying to find myself a counselor, I'm afraid that I've hit a wall for myself, I think I may be struggling with anxiety myself.
I'm trying to keep it together. I'm trying to reign my own anxiety in. I'm trying not to speak to them too harshly. I'm trying to be the mom they need me to be. I love them so very much, more than life itself. I would do anything for them, I want to be their everything.
It's been a while since i've written. Not because the therapy of writing was gone, but with school and the craziness of 2 young kids, a husband who travels, I just found myself lost in translation, and simply stopped writing.
The last 2 years have been, well, crazy. And now I'm back for a wholly new reason. I need the therapeutic benefits again - for my own sanity.
We have continued to struggle with issues due to the peri anal strep that Bug was diagnosed with years ago, after the initial pediatrician ignored us. We changed peds, included a pediatric GI, resorted to miralax and exalt when I really didn't want to, have had X-rays, clean outs, and find ourselves now in year 4 of dealing with continued encopresis.
She remains on an IEP and continues to struggle. She talks so much, but she's still very unclear, and now we are dealing with some added frustration of having to learn new things in school. That's only going to get worse in first grade, but we added in 'brain breaks' and reviews for her receptive speech as well.
We also started her with a psychologist. We are struggling with sensory issues, depression, anxiety, severe behavioral issues (anger, lashing out both verbally and physically, frustration, etc). Both her and a prior counselor suspect ADHD.
And I'm struggling with it all. Just like she gets frustrated when I sometimes can't understand her, I get frustrated with her (and I shouldn't!!) when she's at her worst, when she's having multiple accidents, when she's refusing to take her medicine, when she's lashing out and hitting, kicking, scratching, screaming at whomever she feels has slighted her. And a slight to her could be as simple as she didn't want you to LOOK at her, at that EXACT moment, in that EXACT way. Even though 2 minutes ago she wanted, DEMANDED you look at her.
I feel touched out, all the time. She's 7 now, but she constantly has to be on you - hanging on you, sitting on your lap, leaning against you. Doesn't matter if you're eating, sitting on the couch, going to the bathroom. She refuses to do anything alone; she won't go to the bathroom by herself, won't come downstairs in the morning alone (and she's an EARLY riser!!! on a good day she's up at 620, on a not good day it's 500am. and everywhere in between). She hangs on you when you try to make dinner.
A few years ago I had my BFF's father in law comment on the amazing amount of patience I had with Bug. I feel like over the years that patience has eroded. I feel like I find myself on the ledge too often, and it breaks my heart, and I feel horrible and I beat myself up when I yell at the kids.
I wonder if I'm picking my battles poorly. And because she melts down every time I tell her no, it makes me second guess and question every. damn. decision I make.
I'm now questioning my own sanity. I'm questioning if I can really be successful at this parenting thing. I'm so scared that I won't raise them to be good people, to treat others right, and to do what works for them; makes them happy. I'm afraid i'm neglecting Bubba because she is so demanding of all effort and energy, and more than half the time it's just me to give it to both of them. I'm trying to find myself a counselor, I'm afraid that I've hit a wall for myself, I think I may be struggling with anxiety myself.
I'm trying to keep it together. I'm trying to reign my own anxiety in. I'm trying not to speak to them too harshly. I'm trying to be the mom they need me to be. I love them so very much, more than life itself. I would do anything for them, I want to be their everything.
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