February 25, 2012.
The first day that I didn’t nurse bug. I wrote a number of posts about weaning her last year (see some here, here and here), and going back and looking at them again brought new tears to my eyes.
I look at my little girl, who now really looks so much like a little girl, and it breaks my heart just a little that we weaned when we did, for the reasons we did. Infertility and wanting another baby.
Some of my worries back then didn’t come true. I was so worried that we’d wean and then never get pregnant and I’d regret it.
I don’t regret weaning – because I look at the beautiful face of my smiling little boy and know that HE wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for weaning when we did. That doesn’t mean that the ache doesn’t come back sometimes.
One of my other worries that I don’t believe I really wrote too much about was that I was afraid that my nursing relationship with a new baby wouldn’t be the same.
And it’s not.
Goose isn’t known to comfort nurse in the same way that Bug did. For Bug, I was her EVERYTHING. If anything bothered her she wanted to nurse. If she couldn’t settle down she wanted to nurse. If she was tired, cranky, happy, hurt, sad, ill, she wanted to nurse. She loved our nursing relationship as much as I did. In the long run weaning that last daily session was easier with her than I expected, but she held on to my boobs (literally and figuratively) for months and months afterwards. Even when she went through her distracted stage she was still all about the nursing relationship. It was filled with sweet sweet moments of just her and I, loving each other as a mama and daughter were meant to in the early years.
Goose isn’t like that. He does some level of comfort nursing, but not like she did. I can’t keep him focused sometimes long enough to get a letdown. In the morning he’s become so accustomed to taking a bottle that he isn’t interested in me if I’m around when he gets up during the week (weekends he will eventually nurse). In the deep pit of my stomach I’m so afraid that he’ll self-wean earlier than I want him to. I want so badly for him to nurse until at least 2 because of the bond it creates. Because of the good that I know it does for him. (and the ease and price of it ain’t half bad either!)
He is rougher than she was. Yeah, she got those claws in my skin sometimes, but not bad (or maybe I’m just remembering the good part?). He is so rough and tumble, he will grip both sides of my boob sometimes and squeeze it in his tiny little fists. I’ll come out red and marked up. Sometimes with scratches.
But the other night I was nursing him before bed, and I realized in some ways it’s not so different.
The relationship. In many ways it is similar.
I choose to take that step back and really pay attention, recognizing that he has a lot more going on than she did with a toddler running around to keep his attention.
As I felt the weight of him curled up against me, the rest of his hands on me (yes, he was being gentle) the way he eagerly drinks and the way his sweet little eyes went half closed reminded me of all those sweet moments with her.
I took the step back and reclaimed the sweet moments with him right then and there. I watched him break away for a moment and take a deep breath, only to go back to nursing. That same soft deep pull of the nipple as he gets one of the best things that I can give him. The way his warm body stayed so close to mine.
And I realized that I very well may be wrong. That this relationship may have a lot more time in it yet. That our sweet moments are still there, hanging in tight, and it makes me glad (with a little sadness around it) that I weaned Bug when I did, so that I could have this relationship with Goose.
And I thought that about 4 more times overnight as he woke up (teething) and wanted nothing but mama to nurse him through.
And, nursing Goose has taught me something about nursing Bug. Turns out she had a HORRIBLE latch and that’s why my nipples were always sore (nipple cream was used up until the last day I nursed!). Goose? He may be rough and tumble, but that boy has an AMAZING latch and the girls only get tender when AF is near. Nipple cream? I’m sure I have some in the medicine cabinet… somewhere :-)
Showing posts with label Nursing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nursing. Show all posts
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I just need to complain...
I hate doing so, even though I do it. It makes me feel guilty, ungrateful for the blessing that God decided to give me in Bug, something I wanted so bad, something I worked so hard for. I am SO grateful though, but in this little space of mine on the net, I need to let out some steam.
I'm tired. God am I tired. I'm 'I have a newborn' tired, and my baby girl is 15 months old.
It all started a few weeks back when she wasn't feeling well, and there was some teething mixed in (she finally got teeth 4 and 5). So we had some rough sleep weeks, but K and I split the time, so we were tired, but it was OK.
Bug ended up going to the Dr twice for this illness, and they finally put her on an antibiotic because they couldn't figure out why she wasn't beating this thing, whatever it was. I think that tooth 6 is trying to work its way in too.
Then K left. A little over a week ago. For this 35 or so day training out of state. So I went into this trip of his already tired, but no biggie, I've done this before. Right?
Well, since he's been gone, Bug has gotten up a MINIMUM of 3 times EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Not only that, but each time she's up it's for around 45 minutes, with one of the times every night being for somewhere between 1 1/2 to 2 hours. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. (and we all know that if the baby is up for 45 mins, it ends up being an hour for you by the time you pee, get back into bed, get settled and actually fall back asleep. For me, the longer wake ups are worse and then take some time to fall back to sleep - even though I'm exhausted) The worst part is when she is up for this time it's not just awake, it's screaming and crying. It's not wanting to be held but not wanting to be put down. It's 'I'll make you think I fell asleep, let you put me in the crib, go pee, climb back into bed, get settled and JUST start to fall asleep, THEN I'll start screaming again to let you know I'm really still awake and pissed off.' I'm finding myself nursing sometimes 2x a waking just to help her calm down, and maybe get back to sleep.
On top of not sleeping, she's not eating either. She'll maybe take a bite or two of things, but that's all. She'll take a sippy of milk, but only a little bit. What she does want? To Nurse. A Lot. I guess it's a good thing that I hadn't gotten to the point of fully weaning her (and myself) since she's nursing lots more these days. But my nips hurt.
When I pick bug up from daycare, she just wants to cry and be held too. I love holding her, don't get me wrong, but it makes it hard to change clothes, eat, etc. And holding her while sitting down is not good enough, I have to be standing up and walking around. Then she'll claw and scratch at me as she tries to get at my boobs, even if I just nursed her.
She keeps banging her head on things. The side of the crib, the floor, the wall. She hits it so hard she starts screaming, and leaves red marks. (yes, all of this has been discussed with the doctor, but I'm going to call again since we've now been through a round of antibiotics).
Know how things that are OK when you're OK suddenly seem intolerable when you're running on a mere fraction of the sleep that your body requires?
That's where I'm at. But, multiplied by 9 nights so far. Every little thing makes me want to break down and cry. I am getting frustrated in the middle of the night when she won't go back to sleep. (don't worry, it just ends with me in tears, holding her until she finally passes back out). I'm yelling at stupid drivers on the road, I'm having a hard time concentrating at work.
I have a history of headaches and migraines. Other than during pregnancy, I have been able to keep the migraines at bay for years. In fact, the headaches in general have been pretty good. Well, the last 5 or so days I've had a headache everyday. Last night it reached migraine levels, and there is little I can take since I'm still BFing. (at least that works for me). I know it's because I'm stressed, my allergies are kicking up with the season change, but a huge factor is lack of sleep. I can tell my tank is on E. Last night's first wake up I had to call K and have him sing to her and try to calm her down, because I was curled up in a ball, dizzy, nauseous, and ready to puke from my headache.
My house is a mess. The only reason dishes aren't piled in the sink is because we've gone out for dinner the last couple of nights, and I've given up trying to do much until I know she's gonna eat, so I try easy things first so I don't waste time and dishes. I haven't been able to study, because my baby girl comes first, always.
K has only been gone about 9 days. We still have a MINIMUM of 26 to go. Oh yeah, and we'll be moving within a week after he gets home. I start my new job in just over a week.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed and alone right now.
I'm tired. God am I tired. I'm 'I have a newborn' tired, and my baby girl is 15 months old.
It all started a few weeks back when she wasn't feeling well, and there was some teething mixed in (she finally got teeth 4 and 5). So we had some rough sleep weeks, but K and I split the time, so we were tired, but it was OK.
Bug ended up going to the Dr twice for this illness, and they finally put her on an antibiotic because they couldn't figure out why she wasn't beating this thing, whatever it was. I think that tooth 6 is trying to work its way in too.
Then K left. A little over a week ago. For this 35 or so day training out of state. So I went into this trip of his already tired, but no biggie, I've done this before. Right?
Well, since he's been gone, Bug has gotten up a MINIMUM of 3 times EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Not only that, but each time she's up it's for around 45 minutes, with one of the times every night being for somewhere between 1 1/2 to 2 hours. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. (and we all know that if the baby is up for 45 mins, it ends up being an hour for you by the time you pee, get back into bed, get settled and actually fall back asleep. For me, the longer wake ups are worse and then take some time to fall back to sleep - even though I'm exhausted) The worst part is when she is up for this time it's not just awake, it's screaming and crying. It's not wanting to be held but not wanting to be put down. It's 'I'll make you think I fell asleep, let you put me in the crib, go pee, climb back into bed, get settled and JUST start to fall asleep, THEN I'll start screaming again to let you know I'm really still awake and pissed off.' I'm finding myself nursing sometimes 2x a waking just to help her calm down, and maybe get back to sleep.
On top of not sleeping, she's not eating either. She'll maybe take a bite or two of things, but that's all. She'll take a sippy of milk, but only a little bit. What she does want? To Nurse. A Lot. I guess it's a good thing that I hadn't gotten to the point of fully weaning her (and myself) since she's nursing lots more these days. But my nips hurt.
When I pick bug up from daycare, she just wants to cry and be held too. I love holding her, don't get me wrong, but it makes it hard to change clothes, eat, etc. And holding her while sitting down is not good enough, I have to be standing up and walking around. Then she'll claw and scratch at me as she tries to get at my boobs, even if I just nursed her.
She keeps banging her head on things. The side of the crib, the floor, the wall. She hits it so hard she starts screaming, and leaves red marks. (yes, all of this has been discussed with the doctor, but I'm going to call again since we've now been through a round of antibiotics).
Know how things that are OK when you're OK suddenly seem intolerable when you're running on a mere fraction of the sleep that your body requires?
That's where I'm at. But, multiplied by 9 nights so far. Every little thing makes me want to break down and cry. I am getting frustrated in the middle of the night when she won't go back to sleep. (don't worry, it just ends with me in tears, holding her until she finally passes back out). I'm yelling at stupid drivers on the road, I'm having a hard time concentrating at work.
I have a history of headaches and migraines. Other than during pregnancy, I have been able to keep the migraines at bay for years. In fact, the headaches in general have been pretty good. Well, the last 5 or so days I've had a headache everyday. Last night it reached migraine levels, and there is little I can take since I'm still BFing. (at least that works for me). I know it's because I'm stressed, my allergies are kicking up with the season change, but a huge factor is lack of sleep. I can tell my tank is on E. Last night's first wake up I had to call K and have him sing to her and try to calm her down, because I was curled up in a ball, dizzy, nauseous, and ready to puke from my headache.
My house is a mess. The only reason dishes aren't piled in the sink is because we've gone out for dinner the last couple of nights, and I've given up trying to do much until I know she's gonna eat, so I try easy things first so I don't waste time and dishes. I haven't been able to study, because my baby girl comes first, always.
K has only been gone about 9 days. We still have a MINIMUM of 26 to go. Oh yeah, and we'll be moving within a week after he gets home. I start my new job in just over a week.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed and alone right now.
Friday, May 20, 2011
TEETH!!!
I'm amazed at how quickly this whole teething process seems to be going for us. Well, that's relative since we've had 6 weeks of not great sleep. But that not great sleep for the majority of that 6 weeks was adding in one MOTN wake up. Every few days it would be adding two. Sometimes I could get her back down without even picking her up, sometimes I would have to nurse her. It just depended.
So, as I posted on Monday, I really felt the sharpness of a tooth on Sunday, but It wasn't quite through the gums. Well, by Tuesday it was through. She's so darn cute when she smiles and has just that bit of tooth sticking out!! I now am pretty sure I'm feeling nub number two.
So, this morning, I'm getting ready for work and K is sitting on the bed holding bug and they're playing. It's super cute, but I'm half asleep and only half paying attention. Out of nowhere I hear "Ouch, you bit my nose! Why did you bite my nose? I don't think I like you having teeth!" I laughed so hard, especially when I looked over and there was K, pouting at Bug. Bug? She's got this big ol' smile on her face like she was the Queen of England. Really, she was the Queen of K, since she had him pinned underneath her and obviously had him at her will with her biting and cuteness.
Now, so long as she keeps that to noses and leaves my poor nipples alone, I'll be happy!
I've been trying to get her to eat finger foods, and it has been amazingly unsuccessful. Well, she loves green beans, and we had some fresh ones with dinner the other night. So, I gave her some and she wouldn't put them in her mouth herself, but she would open her mouth for them. Swallowing? Well, that's debatable. Some of the pieces I found in her lap, some in her bib, and some went missing. Did she actually eat them I wonder? Or did the dog find them on the floor? I was eyeing B (the dog) suspiciously, trying to figure out who may have swallowed them. B just sat there, all pretty like, panting and staring at me. Bug just gave me grins. Mostly gummy, somewhat toothy, adorable innocent little grins. Then she stuck her hand in her mouth.
I'm still not sure who ate them. I hope it was Bug, cause they were really really good.
Tonight's dinner? Asparagus with hollandaise sauce, radishes and baked beets. We'll see if she'll eat any of the beets. Wish me luck!!
So, as I posted on Monday, I really felt the sharpness of a tooth on Sunday, but It wasn't quite through the gums. Well, by Tuesday it was through. She's so darn cute when she smiles and has just that bit of tooth sticking out!! I now am pretty sure I'm feeling nub number two.
So, this morning, I'm getting ready for work and K is sitting on the bed holding bug and they're playing. It's super cute, but I'm half asleep and only half paying attention. Out of nowhere I hear "Ouch, you bit my nose! Why did you bite my nose? I don't think I like you having teeth!" I laughed so hard, especially when I looked over and there was K, pouting at Bug. Bug? She's got this big ol' smile on her face like she was the Queen of England. Really, she was the Queen of K, since she had him pinned underneath her and obviously had him at her will with her biting and cuteness.
Now, so long as she keeps that to noses and leaves my poor nipples alone, I'll be happy!
I've been trying to get her to eat finger foods, and it has been amazingly unsuccessful. Well, she loves green beans, and we had some fresh ones with dinner the other night. So, I gave her some and she wouldn't put them in her mouth herself, but she would open her mouth for them. Swallowing? Well, that's debatable. Some of the pieces I found in her lap, some in her bib, and some went missing. Did she actually eat them I wonder? Or did the dog find them on the floor? I was eyeing B (the dog) suspiciously, trying to figure out who may have swallowed them. B just sat there, all pretty like, panting and staring at me. Bug just gave me grins. Mostly gummy, somewhat toothy, adorable innocent little grins. Then she stuck her hand in her mouth.
I'm still not sure who ate them. I hope it was Bug, cause they were really really good.
Tonight's dinner? Asparagus with hollandaise sauce, radishes and baked beets. We'll see if she'll eat any of the beets. Wish me luck!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Nursing at Daycare
So, I have been extremely fortunate in that the daycare we put Bug in is very close to my work. So, every day at lunch I go and nurse her. I love it because I get to see all the different things that they do with the babies, I get to see the good and the bad days, and I've gotten to know the teachers really well. Overall it's been a great experience, and I can probably count on less than two hands how many days I have not been able to go due to work duties interfering.
So, one day last week after I nursed her and was leaving she fussed a little. This was new, but one of the teachers occupied her while I left and she was all good.
This weekend she go her oh so known congestion. The congestion that comes about every few weeks, and last time she had it turned into Pneumonia. Bummer. Poor little thing.
So, this morning she wasn't feeling real well. That was evidenced in the number of times she woke up last night, which, of course, left mama tired this morning too.
I went to nurse her at lunch, and she had just spit up pretty much everything in her tummy shortly before. Needless to say, she was hungry and NOT in the mood to wait for the letdown. Finally she held on long enough between cries and got her letdown. She fell asleep while nursing, so I put her in the crib and patted her back for a few before I got ready to leave. She ended up waking up and crying before I had made it away from her crib. As it wasn't her actual nap time, I went ahead and picked her up and calmed her down (because it was very very unhappy crying). So, she calmed down and I snuggled with her a little more then passed her off to one of the teachers (that she normally loves!). Bawling ensued. I'm not sure if it's just because she doesn't feel well, or if the dreaded separation anxiety is hitting. Or maybe a bit of both. Either way, it was heartbreaking and I didn't like it. Not. One. Bit.
My poor little buggy. I really hate that I can't just make it all better.
K got the stomach bug that I had this weekend. Except his only lasted 24 hours, lucky dog. He was down for the count for that time frame though, poor guy... I felt his pain. He apologized for not taking good enough care of me while I was sick, it was really cute.
He's out of here again Thursday morning. Catching his flight out at 6:00am. Luckily the crew security line goes fast, so he doesn't have to be there at like 4:00am. But, I'm gonna really really miss him. His due home date is 4/15, which is the day AFTER my birthday. Oh well, that's how it goes. I just hope that they don't keep him out again this month like they did last month. I feel like we've only had about 2 weeks together in the last 9 weeks or so.
Ahh the life of a pilot's wife!!
~Emms
So, one day last week after I nursed her and was leaving she fussed a little. This was new, but one of the teachers occupied her while I left and she was all good.
This weekend she go her oh so known congestion. The congestion that comes about every few weeks, and last time she had it turned into Pneumonia. Bummer. Poor little thing.
So, this morning she wasn't feeling real well. That was evidenced in the number of times she woke up last night, which, of course, left mama tired this morning too.
I went to nurse her at lunch, and she had just spit up pretty much everything in her tummy shortly before. Needless to say, she was hungry and NOT in the mood to wait for the letdown. Finally she held on long enough between cries and got her letdown. She fell asleep while nursing, so I put her in the crib and patted her back for a few before I got ready to leave. She ended up waking up and crying before I had made it away from her crib. As it wasn't her actual nap time, I went ahead and picked her up and calmed her down (because it was very very unhappy crying). So, she calmed down and I snuggled with her a little more then passed her off to one of the teachers (that she normally loves!). Bawling ensued. I'm not sure if it's just because she doesn't feel well, or if the dreaded separation anxiety is hitting. Or maybe a bit of both. Either way, it was heartbreaking and I didn't like it. Not. One. Bit.
My poor little buggy. I really hate that I can't just make it all better.
K got the stomach bug that I had this weekend. Except his only lasted 24 hours, lucky dog. He was down for the count for that time frame though, poor guy... I felt his pain. He apologized for not taking good enough care of me while I was sick, it was really cute.
He's out of here again Thursday morning. Catching his flight out at 6:00am. Luckily the crew security line goes fast, so he doesn't have to be there at like 4:00am. But, I'm gonna really really miss him. His due home date is 4/15, which is the day AFTER my birthday. Oh well, that's how it goes. I just hope that they don't keep him out again this month like they did last month. I feel like we've only had about 2 weeks together in the last 9 weeks or so.
Ahh the life of a pilot's wife!!
~Emms
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Nursing in Public
Well, in the 4 months that I have been breastfeeding, I've only nursed in public a few times. So many times I would just go to my car (the positives in having a mid summer baby!). I don't have any problem with it, maybe it just makes me a tiny bit nervous. So, two of those times have been at Bob Evans :-) But today, I nursed at church!
We attend a Catholic Church, and just recently officially 'joined' the church. So they had a welcome brunch today after 9:30 mass. K was still in FL, so Bug and I went just the two of us. As we went to mass first, she started to get fussy after we sat down to eat. So, I just asked my table mates if they cared if I nursed and they all said it was OK by them! The one woman even made a comment along the lines of 'that's what they were made for!' It was actually a great experience. As it was a welcome brunch, people kept walking up and saying HI and what not, and it didn't bother anyone that I was nursing at the time. My experiences with nursing in public have all been positive, but I understand that not everyone is comfortable with it. Bug is only 4 months old, so it is also not like I am extended nursing in public.
My first experience at Bob Evans was actually really cute. There was a mentally handicapped man (not sure of his age) at a table a few away from us. He kept looking back at us while I was nursing, I am sure curious as to what was going on. I only hope that someone at the table noticed and explained to him what we were doing. It didn't bother me at all that he kept checking it out - it's a natural curiousity I think for people.
Kind of like I can't help but to look at other babies when I see them :-)
Bug is calling, time to play before bed time!
We attend a Catholic Church, and just recently officially 'joined' the church. So they had a welcome brunch today after 9:30 mass. K was still in FL, so Bug and I went just the two of us. As we went to mass first, she started to get fussy after we sat down to eat. So, I just asked my table mates if they cared if I nursed and they all said it was OK by them! The one woman even made a comment along the lines of 'that's what they were made for!' It was actually a great experience. As it was a welcome brunch, people kept walking up and saying HI and what not, and it didn't bother anyone that I was nursing at the time. My experiences with nursing in public have all been positive, but I understand that not everyone is comfortable with it. Bug is only 4 months old, so it is also not like I am extended nursing in public.
My first experience at Bob Evans was actually really cute. There was a mentally handicapped man (not sure of his age) at a table a few away from us. He kept looking back at us while I was nursing, I am sure curious as to what was going on. I only hope that someone at the table noticed and explained to him what we were doing. It didn't bother me at all that he kept checking it out - it's a natural curiousity I think for people.
Kind of like I can't help but to look at other babies when I see them :-)
Bug is calling, time to play before bed time!
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