you have GOT to be kidding me!!!

So, K's furlough, they agreed to pay him through Oct 7.  He was officially laid off on Sept 23.  All good, right?

So, Bug had a fever today, so he picked her up at daycare around 9:30 this morning.  Well, he just got a call from the company that laid him off - he's junior assigned to work.

Um, WTF?!!!  He apparently said to them 'no I'm not, I don't work for you anymore, you laid me off, remember?'

Yeah, well, if he wants his pay until Oct 7 he has to go.  How F'd up is that?  The only good thing out of it is the president of the union talked to the company to make sure that he get's his day of overtime from earlier this month (they didn't want to pay it since he didn't actually 'work' his whole month, but it was a day outside of his scheduled time), and they promised that these days will be overtime too. 

I'm all for the extra money, don't get me wrong, but this is seriously messed up.  Needless to say he's bringing the baby to me and then I'm taking her back home.  Amazing.

Oh Boy!!

Not in a bad way!

So, the director that is hiring at our corporate office called today.  The CEO approved the job to be filled yesterday, and she wanted to know if I was still interested in moving.  Um, yeah.  They offered to pay for moving, but since it's a lateral move no raise now, but will consider it in 6 months.  I'm actually OK with that.

The only problem?  We're only about 3 months into a 2 year lease.  With K's recent furlough, we CANNOT pay rent here, part of mortgage back home, and a NEW rent payment at corporate.  So I told her this, and explained that the only way I could do it is if we could work something out. 

So.  I have to call the rental co tomorrow and see what I can do to get out of my lease.  See at what cost, and then let them know.

I think we're going to be moving!!!  YIKES!!!

(woo hoo - closer to my parents and friends for both of us... at corporate with more advancement opportunities.  This will be scary, but good!!)

Furloughed

So, K took off last Sunday for the last part of his duty this month.  He was sitting hotel reserve, with a bunch of other people and not a full crew.  Tuesday he got a random call from the travel scheduler that he could go home and do home reserve.  OK, we were happy because Wednesday was his birthday, but he thought this scheduler was being spiteful towards another FE that was also sitting reserve with him (she's that kind of person). 

Well, then Wednesday night, the October schedule went out to rebid.

Thursday night, all the crew that was in training for upgrades had training cancelled.

Friday morning K got the first call from a buddy that said buddy was furloughed.  He called me (I was on the road for work) and let me know.  We knew it had been coming, but we got complacent because it hadn't happened.  A couple more phone calls and texts later, he got his call.  Apparently they saved him for last because the guy that had to make the calls really liked K.

So, he's officially furloughed.  He already started the process to go to Dallas and get his CFI and CFII so that he can get a job to build up his hours.  It'll be a 30 day program, but the good news is no more 20 days away after that, at least for a while.  Until he gets a job flying the big birds again.

I consider us lucky.  We still have my income, and some money in savings.  We'll be OK, it's going to hurt, and we'll pull out of savings Every.  Month.  (from what we are hearing his unemployment won't be a whole lot, but that is still to be determined... depends on what state we can claim it in).  But we'll make it.  We've been here before (he got laid off as an A&P back in 2001, yep, right after 9/11), but that doesn't make it fun.  Especially since that money was earmarked for IVF. 

I know that not everyone will fair so well.  I feel so badly for those families.  But we do have some tough decisions to make (although nothing nearly as tough as others are dealing with, please know that I get that).

So now, we decide do we go ahead and do the donor sperm and IUI (as it's cheap enough that we can squeak it out once or twice and just make it until I get my bonus or we get our tax refund), or wait the God knows how long to get him a job and replace the money in savings.  That could be 5 years down the road!!

Oh yeah, another kink?  I've talked with my company about moving me to their headquarters.  Which is 5 1/2 hours away from where we are now.  I have friends there (not where I'm from though), and my parents live there.  Lots of good reasons to go, but I've got to overcome some negativity that I built in with some important people during my days in the dumps of drinking too much after infertility.

So, all in all I think we're handling it well.  It's so tough, knowing how much it's affecting.  There's so much on hold in my life right now, waiting to see what his unemployment will be, waiting to see if we'll move for my job, etc. 

And Buggie?  She's just happy that daddy is home.  :-)

I really don't like you... (no, not you as in my readers..)

You as in a former boss of mine, V.  Some of you may remember a brief mention of her in a post a while back (I'm not even gonna search it out because it was so minor).  My post basically talked about how I was paranoid on all my IVF meds and thought she was out to get me.  I realized that was the meds talking, but also knew that we had a lot of other issues.

Just for a base, here's an example of her issues with me back when.  I was handling a territory in my home state negotiating contracts.  It was the biggest and busiest territory worked out of our office.  We took on expansion in the neighboring state, and while I handled my normal territory, I also handled the largest territory in this expansion state.  Needless to say, I was working from 7:15 to 5:30 every day, with no lunch.  I still couldn't keep up.  I busted my butt to do so, and didn't complain.  Because it was my job, and I loved it.  She sat me down one day and told me that I wasn't doing enough, that she expected more from me.  I made sure she knew the long days I was working, and she basically told me that I must need another way to prioritize and organize.  Mind you, by this time I had been with the company for 8 years, had gotten nothing but rave reviews (and I worked as a supervisor in customer service!!), and had been promoted 4 times in these 8 years (and 2 more times since then).  I don't have a problem with prioritizing and organization, I simply had too much on my plate and apparently my best wasn't enough for her.  So, I said if that was what needed to be done, then I was open to, and looking for, suggestion from her on how to make that happen.  (mind you, at this point I was closing my office door to try to keep the world out and she told me I was distancing myself from everyone and needed to keep my door open more)

Her answer?

I don't know, get creative.

Nice leadership V.

After that I had a nice long conversation with my director, her boss.  He basically told me that he knew I was the busiest rep, that I was doing a great job, and just to keep my head above water as much as possible, that they were getting ready to start hiring some more people.  The same day we had this conversation is when he offered me a promotion, a lot more money and a sweet moving package to move to the expansion state.

So, now you have an idea about V.

It has taken me a couple of days to write this post because I'm so pissed.

The other day I had an email from an employee that works for V now, and has for a couple of years.  She just got back from maternity leave.  During her pregnancy we had many conversations about breastfeeding and the benefits, and I made sure she knew if she ever had questions or just needed support, to call me.  I am so pro-breastfeeding I think I even drive myself crazy.  So her email asked me for some pointers on pumping at work.  I was so excited and sent back a nice long email with what I had done.  Then we ended up talking.  She filled me in on the fact that V is riding her about the time it is taking out of her day to pump.

SAY WHAT?

First of all, this is a salaried employee.  Second of all IT'S FEDERAL LAW!!!  For God's sake, we work for a HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY.  That's right, a health insurance company.  How can you say my company wouldn't want this to happen???

So, I proceeded to explain to her the law, and also explained to her from a management perspective (at least the way my HR does things) that we cannot do anything about the number of hours a salaried employee does or does not work - all we can do is push the 'are they getting their work done' aspect of it, and if not, handle any verbals, write ups, etc from that perspective.  Makes sense, doesn't it?  If you're getting your work done and you are a salaried employee, then who is management to tell you that you're not working enough hours? 

OMG.

So, we had a 2 state staff meeting out of town Thursday and Friday, and I got to see this new mama.  We ended up chatting about it more, and as it turns out she is now the whipping post.  However, she mentioned that really all of her staff get crap handed to them, except for 1.  Did I mention that V's best friend works for her?  I bet you can guess who that 1 person is that doesn't get the shit beat out of her (figuratively of course) at work everyday.  Yep, her best friend (who joined the department right after me, but admittedly was not hired by V as she wasn't the manager yet). 

I tried to remain very PC since I am a manager with the company, but I basically told her that if she was having problems with either the pumping aspect of it, or being the whipping post, that she needed to talk to V's boss, HR, or both.  I also let her know that if the rest of the staff felt the same way about how V treats people, that they ALL needed to talk to V's boss, HR, or both.

In a small part of my mind it made me feel just a TINY bit better knowing that while I was her whipping post back when, that it was not necessarily just me, but rather who this woman is as a manager.  However, I feel horrible that there are other people in my company dealing with what I had to deal with.  I mean seriously, I am a manager too, and do not feel the need to hang my 'power' over my staff every day, and give them only negative feed back instead of positive.  In fact, I have had one of my staff that has struggled.  Know how I handled it?  We talked about it, we tried to find out if we could pinpoint why she was struggling and where it came from, and then we came up with idea's together (some from her, some from me, some a joint effort) on how WE could work on it to make it better.  Notice all the we's there?  After all, I'm only as good a manager as my employees are.

Know what?  She's doing 100% better today.  She still has a little work to go, but it's amazing the turn around I've seen.  I'm not trying to say I'm an amazing manager, but there's a way to get good work out of a person, and there's a way NOT to.  V is the epitome of what NOT to do.

I told this employee to please keep me updated.  I am going to be SO pissed if I find out that she stops breastfeeding (she struggles with supply issues as it is) because of a manager being a complete wench.

Ohhhhh do I dislike her.

I have so much more to tell you all (and get back to my memories since meeting K) but I'll have to get back to that.  This was so much more important to me right now.

Decisions, decisions...

Thank you Becky for calling me out :-)

I've been meaning to get this post done since Friday, but I've been studying my butt off for the GMAT. Luckily I don't take it until 10/13, but that is coming up WAY TO FAST!!

So. Lot's to say. Not even sure how to say it all! I'll just start at the beginning.

Thursday Morning we met with RE#1. We're going to call him Dr. ERB. Yep, Dr Erb. (stands for Dr Evil, Rainbows and Butterflies.) Confused yet? Yeah, me too. So, he reminded us of Dr Evil from Austin Powers. The whole way home K was saying '1 million dollars' in that Dr Evil voice. But I digress. The RB is because he was very much 'IF is all rainbows and butterflies' in his attitude. Well, those of you that have gotten to know me, and those of you that are my IF readers and have therefore lived through it, know how VERY. UNTRUE. THAT. IS. But, we liked him.

I had sent both RE's a 3 page document with all the info that I could find in regards to our history.. it included doses of meds, numbers of follies at my ultrasounds, E levels, etc.

So, good conversation with him was he felt that he could change up the meds protocol (thank you) and move forward. He advised with this newer protocol they use for people who fly (I am an over responder) they can do a Lupron Trigger (sounds strange, right? Lupron is usually used to Suppress!), and it has to do with using your natural LH instead of the typical trigger. He says that even women with E levels in the 9000 range (used to land you in the hospital very very sick) could trigger this way and not get OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome - the thing that lands you in the hospital). He said he doesn't have to cancel cycle's all that often - woo hoo! Sorry for spelling some of this out, but I know that some readers may not be versed in infertility lingo. He had a great bedside manner, a great sense of humor, and his IVF cycle (not including the meds, office visits, labwork and ultrasounds which can be billed to my insurance) is just under $9,000. We liked that he wants to not do the same basic protocol, we liked his personality and office staff, and we liked (well, as much as you can) his price. They do all of their labs in house.  We honestly walked out of there ready to go there. With orders for an updated day 3 labs, an HSG, and a new semen analysis, and the knowledge of what exactly to request, in terms of records, from my old RE's office. (Oh yeah, and he has a satellite office about 2 hours from my old RE, and has seen quite a few patients from there with a lot of the same complaints that K and I have about them!!)

Friday morning, RE#2, or Dr. BK. Dr. Buzzkill. Yep. Dr BK was very much realistic. It doesn't always work, blah blah blah. He wants to go a bit further in terms of testing, do a DNA fragmentation test for K (which has never been done before) to find out if that's part of the reason my embryo's weren't great the first time around. He wants to get all my day 3 labs, and wants to focus on my TSH, as he is wondering if I have a slight form of PCOS. WHAT? Where did that come from? Um, yeah. He's thinking that because I have long cycles, and lots of spotting. But no real other 'typical' symptoms. But long cycles pretty much guarantees that there are some anovulatory cycles in there. So. Other than that the other typical day 3 tests, and an SIS (similar to an HSG) to make sure that there's no polyps or anything up there. He flat out told us he is very aggressive in that if he finds ANYTHING that makes him unhappy during a cycle, he will cancel and aggressively treat it. Which could include surgically removing cysts, etc. Um, I hate cancelled cycles. Like, a lot. And surgery to remove a cyst that may go away on it's own? I'm not so sure about that. BUT. He's doing it to make sure that you have the perfect cycle. Hm, suddenly doesn't sound like it's a bad thing, does it? So, at this appointment we did a baseline ultrasound, which showed him what he expected to see based on where I'm at in my cycle. I like that he did the ultrasound himself (at my old office the nurses always did them). He wants K to come off some blood pressure meds that could be affecting (however slightly) his boys. He wants K to start taking some fertility vitamins, and suggested we go organic when possible to remove toxins. He 'treats the whole body.' 1 Cycle there will run about $2,000 more than the other place. He was very down to business, didn't waste time with small talk. Personality wise we liked the other better, but did like him as well. He did a lot more digging into our histories with his questions than the other one did, so to me seems he is very thorough. BUT, he would want to do a long lupron cycle still, but use menopur and bravelle instead of repronex, but start on a very low dose like I did in the past with the repronex.  Um, isn't that the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and expecting different results?  I guess it's not exactly the same as he is changing up the meds a little bit.  So we walked out of there with orders for day 3 labs (that they do not do in house), a SIS, an ovarian diminished reserve test, and all of these other things.  Plus, he wants me to stop BFing, wait 1 cycle then get all the tests, then start BCP's right away and keep on the meds straight until we cycle, meaning skip the 'sugar pills.'

We walk out of that office suddenly very unsure of ourselves. We have NO IDEA where to go from here. With the possibility of K getting furloughed, we knew that we would need to wait until after the first of the year, but with it being a little more expensive than what we paid before, we're afraid we could have to push it off longer. We also have deductible, coinsurance, and copays for all of the insurance covered stuff.  So then we started talking about doing donor sperm IUI, as it would be cheaper and we could do it sooner without as much of a hit on our savings.

We keep talking about it, but no decision is made yet. I have no idea where to go. I want that baby that is part of me and part of him, but is it worth the emotional and financial strain? We agreed if we do IVF, it'll be just 1 cycle (and an FET if we have any embies frozen), then we would do a few cycle's of donor sperm IUI (probably just 3), and then move onto adoption. Or, we could try a few donor sperm IUI and then onto IVF and then adoption, or cut out IVF altogether.

Part of the problem is that we never wanted more than 2 kids. So, having 1 already, this decision is it, if we decide not to do IVF and get pregnant off of donor sperm IUI then K will never have a biological child. There's no going back, you know? I don't think that would change either, I don't think we'd decide to have a third just to give him that link. (Becky - I need your experiences here!!!)

We've discussed it. We've thought about it. We've discussed it some more. Then thought about it some more. And we are no closer to a decision. We feel in limbo. If it weren't for his job I think we'd definitely do IVF. So if we would, then why wouldn't we anyways? Timing, and money, and after what it did to us before, is it worth it?

What to do, what to do.

AHHHHHH

I'm on a quick break during my class that I am taking to prep for my GMAT... and I have to ask myself....

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!

OK, I feel better now. Back to studying and preparing myself to make this dream happen!!

PS - I'm also freaked because we have our first consult with RE#1 tomorrow!!!

YIKES!!!

Bug: operation keep mama awake

So, i'm a little upset with dada. Last week he had to go and be all sweet to mama and let her get some sleep while he tended to me in the middle of the night and early in the morning. Just when i had her trained, had her sorta functioning on short nights with lots of wake ups where i demanded to be nursed and nothing less. By the end of the week i figyred out what he was doing and went back to sleep easy for him. But mama? Allowing THis insanity to happen? I am not ok withit. Therefore i began operation wake mama/keep mama awake. For all youother babies out there (baby E i am dedicating this to you) here is what i have done so far.

Thursday night: made mama think i was going to let her sleep. I had to ease her back in. I kinda woke her up around 2, but let her fall back to sleep. Then woke her again around 4, fussed until just before i knew she would get up then stopped. Let her fall almost back asleep and did it again. Did this over and over until just before 5, then rocketed her out of bed with the perfect screams. Then when she came in to get me i stepped up the screams a notch to bloody murder. But i did it with my eyes closed so she knew i was tired and would try to get me back to sleep. I screamed until she stuck her boob in my mouth. Ah sweet mamas milk.

Now do not worry as soon as i was done nursing i continued to yell the whole time mama got ready for work, until she had a few minutes to play with me (since we were so early) then i giggled and laughed and practiced my standing. I was overall my adorable self that she cannot help but to smile and love on me.

Friday night: rinse and repeat, but moved the times up by 30 minutes, including getting up around 430ish. I screamed and screamed while she tried to hush me until she gave me some mamas milk. Then i just fussed but wouldn't go back to sleep even though i was tired. Until i made her nurse me again, around 620, right about the time she wouldnt be able to go back to sleep.
ha ha ha mama.

Then at nap time on saturday, i slept only 20 minutes then was wide awake. I knew she had to be somewhere at 3, so i stayed awake until 2 then decided to go back to sleep and sleep just late enough that she was late to her obligation, which happened to be work.

Oops! That will teach her to try to catch up on her sleep debt.

I love you mama but i am not sure yet how i will let you sleep tonight. Just bring on the boobies for me and i will be happy for a little while.

Love,
Bug

So much to say!!!

I don't know where to begin!!

So, right after we found out that K was going to get furloughed, we talked about me going back for my masters.  I've been wanting to do it for a while, and was getting ready to when I found out I was pregnant.  The time hasn't really been right since then, with Bug being so young and K being gone so much.  The timing was perfect now, because right about the time we were finding out of K's impending furlough, the other manager in the office (with less experience then me) got promoted to director and is now my boss.  (I wasn't even given an opportunity to try for this job, and I just had to teach him to interview for an open position!!!).  The next day a competitor to my company called and wanted to talk about a job, but while it was more money, it was going to be a lateral move.

Wow.

So, I thanked the competitor and told them to keep me in mind, but for now I was not looking for a lateral move.  This was a tough decision to make, but I think it's for the best right now.

Then today, I signed up to take a test prep course through Kaplan for my GMAT.  I'd like to have already taken it and been applying to meet that Oct 1 deadline that most schools have for their first round, but I didn't want to wait another year.  So, the class will end on Oct 5 and I'll try to take the GMAT soon after that, then apply for grad school.  I'm super excited, but so nervous.  I've been out for 5 years now (after it took 8 years to work through my associates and undergrad), but I've wanted to go back since I left.

So, where does this fall in with TTC?  Good question.  We are still going to our first initial consults next week.  I'm excited and nervous, but K and I had a discussion that anything we could do to continue moving forward with our lives during the TTC process, well, we would do them.  I know that school will be tough with going through IVF and a young one at home, but hey, I tend to work best under lots of pressure and stress!

Beyond that, work helps pay for school.  I'll still  have to take student loans too, but it's a lot of help.  IVF will be out of our pocket, and even though we're meeting with docs next week, I don't think we'll be able to start a cycle for a few months with K's future uncertain right now.  (we still haven't gotten notice of his furlough, ugh).  So, we can't justify cleaning out savings right now for IVF if he is going to be out of a job - we'll need that money to pay bills.  (having the house back home that we rent out doesn't help, unfortunately we collect less than what our mortgage is).  Especially as we are not sure how much he'll get from unemployment, and then how much he'll make in a new job.  If we knew it was going to be another year, then I would do it and not worry about it. 

We've been working on this sleep training, and to be honest, she sleeps better when K goes in then when I do.  If I do, she just wants to nurse, and will scream if we don't, which just wakes her up all the way.  The last 2 nights K took care of her at night, and she slept until 6:30.  Last night it was all me, and she was up at 5.  Go figure.

On a last note, and in line with a lot of my other posts lately, but backing up a bit.... I was on my way home today and listening to the soundtrack from City of Angels (good soundtrack, great tear filled movie for me).  The Alanis Morrisette song came on, and it reminded me of the year that K and I met, and how hard I tried to scare him off.  Then I saw a go fast bike going down the road, with a guy on it with a similar build to K, and it really got me going.  I remember the first time I saw K on his go fast bike.  It's the same one he still has today, so it's about 13 years old by now.  But, it was before they banned Smoking Joe from advertising for Camel Cigarette's.  Remember him?  Well, every year for just a few years Honda made a go fast bike with Smoking Joe on it.  While this one isn't his, here's what it looks like:

I think they made 2000 for the few years that they made them.  So not RARE per se, but not easy to come by either.  K got the 1998th one (if I remember right) made in 1998, the last year that they made them.  Pretty cool.

Anyways, the first time I saw him on it was amazing.  I got so turned on, being young (only 19) and naive.  He was hot, the bike was hot, and he had a lot of fun on it (not as stupid as some, but he enjoyed the speed for sure).  The first time I got on it with him I was in love.  Holding tight to him, feeling the power between our legs... wow, it was so amazing. 

I haven't been on that bike in years.  He probably has only been on it a few times in the last couple of years, and doesn't drive it near as crazy.  But man, I suddenly want to see him on it again, when Bug isn't home, and then enjoy some adult time :-)

2005, year 6

I love this story.  Every time I think of it I laugh out loud.  Poor K, this story is all about him. 

Back in the day K had the BIGGEST crush on Julia Stiles.  I mean, the kind of crush that brought out the 'if you were allowed to sleep with any celebrity and not get in trouble, who would it be' conversations.  She was always, always, always at the top of his list.  I thought it was cute :-)

So, in 2005 we travelled to Omaha, Nebraska for K's youngest brother, M's, wedding.  He was the last to get married off, and K was his best man and I was a bridesmaid.  So we spent the week there helping with everything.  A few days before the wedding, we did the bachelor/bachelorette parties.  While they started out separately, we all ended up at the bar where the then happy couple met. The guys were there first.  I was the DD that night, so had only had about 1 drink all night.  But the guys, and the girls were all, well, wasted.  K included.

So we walk in the bar, and K sees me and comes over to say hi.  I can tell he's pretty lit and find it really darn amusing in my very sober state.  So we chat for a second, and then his eye's light up.  I mean, like a kid on Christmas light up.  He leans in and (stage) whispers to me (oh yeah, that was because he was too drunk to realize it was louder than he wanted LOL) 'you gotta come see this Emms, you really gotta come see this.'  He proceeds to grab my arm and drag me across the room to the bar.  We stop, he lets go, and looks at me expectantly.

Um, yeah, I had NO idea what I was looking at.  So, apparently the quizzical look in my eye's finally let him know that, and he leaned forward, and (stage) whispered to me again 'look behind me.'  Luckily, it was loud at the bar, and everyone was drunk, so I don't really think anyone heard.

Because I had no idea what I was looking for, I tried to be kind of casual about it as I turned around and scanned the crowd.  Who do my eyes fall on but...

JULIA STILES.

OK, OK, it really wasn't her, but this wasn't one of those 'you remind me of...' or 'has anyone told you that you look like....' situations.  I mean, this girl WAS Julia, without really being her.  If that makes sense.  I mean, I was even kind of star struck, even though I knew that there was no way that M knew Julia Stiles and we never knew it.  I think I even stared for a minute, eye's wide open, mouth ajar.  Surprised.  Then I shook myself out of it and turned to find giddy eyed K practically dancing at the bar with excitement.

It turns out it was the wife of a friend that M went to high school with.  No, her name was NOT Julia.  But I'm telling you, it was uncanny.  So we ended up talking quite a bit that night (and the next few nights as well), as she turned out to be sober too. 

Because I am me, and cruel like this, I decided to share K's immense crush with this woman.  She got QUITE the kick out of it and we enjoyed playing poor, drunk K up for the rest of the night as she flirted with him.  I'm betting he had pleasant dreams that night!!

Needless to say, M is now divorced and dating, well, a crazy woman.  Yep, gotta love my in laws :-)