Neuro Psych Testing, Continued, and other stuff

So today we had our 3rd of 4 visits for the testing for Bug. We had the kick off parent only and 2 visits where Bug completed 3 hours of testing each time. On the 22nd we go in to have another parent only visit to go over initial findings. Then an appointment with her ped psych in early February to figure out what we want to do for sure.

So her testing appointment started today at 9am. So by the time we finished and had lunch, it was 1:00. I decided to keep her home with me and give her a day with just us.

Boy, was that a mistake. By the time we got Bubba home and were having dinner (leftovers), I was eating grapes for dinner. Fermented grapes. From a bottle.

And I was in tears. I curled up with my little guy while I cried and he patted my back to comfort me.

Everything was a fight. The doc gave me one page of 'homework' and it was simple stuff, finish the sentence kind of stuff. Like 'when I eat, I...' or 'I'm happy when....' or 'when i go to bed, I....' and EVERYTHING was I don't know. I tried to talk to her about taking her time, and thinking about it, and giving me the first thing that comes to mind... but she kept at it. So I said we'd do it later. That turned in to a fit by her.

Once that happened everything fell apart. We couldn't get her actual homework done. She wouldn't take a bath. It ended with her throwing pencils, stabbing the table with said pencil prior to throwing, and eventually me putting her in time out in her room in with both of us in tears. It didn't get any better. She ended up taking a nap and woke up just as bad off as before going to sleep. Tears happened again.  It was horrible.

So her homework is going back to school tomorrow, unfinished, with a note. The other one will go back to the doctor, unfinished.

And sadly, this all overshadows the 2 fun things that happened since my last post.

First, Bubba turned 5 on Monday.  5!!! I can't believe how he's gotten so big. How has my baby grown up so much so fast? He's been in preschool at the school system since September, and he goes to Kindergarten in the fall. It's insane. He's in glasses now. He looks so grown up!

And last month? I graduated with my MBA, with a focus in finance. It was a long 3 1/2 years. It was hard, and stressful. But it's done. Thankfully. Now to relax for a bit, focus on getting through things like boxes that are hiding in the garage, and cleaning up the desk that just holds crap. Then, I'm not sure what. Focus on my kids. Take care of Bug and figure everything out. Spend some time focusing on Bubba, who we figured out has some allergies on top of the serious need for glasses, and we are beginning to wonder about ADHD for him as well.

Life will go on.

Neuro Psych Testing

So last summer we had bug see a counselor. The match wasn't there, so a few visits in and we stopped going.  This past summer we tried a pediatric psychologist and the match was much better.  After some questionnaires, talking to us, and a handful of visits with Bug, she felt that Bug exhibited ADHD, Anxiety and Depression.

School started, and she went to her 7 year well check, a month after her birthday.  K took her while I worked, and he called me after.  He said she wasn't being bad during the visit, but was being 'her' and it drove the ped to start asking questions.  The questions led him to discussing anxiety with K, to which he filled the ped in on our summer with the Psychologist.

The ped asked if we would ever consider medicating.  We have been, well, not in a rush to consider doing that.  It's not that we are against it, but it worries us when it comes to her age, and how it can affect her long term, how it can affect her young brain.  He asked us to consider talking to a pediatric psychiatrist.  The one thing that drove us to consider was he explained that with something like anxiety in a young child medication can help by helping to calm them and teach them coping skills before they become teenagers.

We decided to go ahead and meet with a ped psychiatrist, to hear it out. Rehashing everything over and over is hard.  She was great, she was concerned, she listened and heard.  She actually told me that  we had been dealing with a whole lot, and that she was sorry that no one had listened to us, or done anything beyond what had happened so far. So agreed with the psychologist, she advised that Bug had almost all the markers for anxiety and ADHD.  She said she wasn't giving the official diagnosis just yet as she wanted Bug to get Neuro Psych testing to rule out other behavioral health issues, including Autism.  She doesn't feel that she has Autism but wants to rule it out, and if she does, she's very high functioning.

She thinks that prior doctors that we've tried to talk to (including a developmental neurologist) tried to look at just what 'they' deal with, and not the entire picture.

So we agreed to the testing.  As she was giving us the paperwork for it, advising on next visit, and giving us some questionnaires to fill out, she also asked us to consider medication.

The testing comes in 4 parts; the first and last are parent only meetings.  The second and third are 2 sessions of 3 hour testing with a 10-15 minute break in the middle.  The initial first visit was going to be in March 2018, but we managed to fill in a cancellation and that first visit is now December 11.

Medication scares me. I don't want my 7 year old daughter to become numb. I don't want her to lose her spunk, lose her stubbornness, lose the person she really is, deep down inside.  I want to help her, I want to help us and try to get everyone some sanity back.  I want to see the little girl that she is 85% of the time instead of only 15% of the time.  I want that smile, that goofiness, that love that shines from her.  But I don't want to numb her.

And once we get the official diagnosis we will need to update her IEP.  I need to make sure she gets everything she needs.

So now we have a monthly psychiatry appointment and a monthly GI appointment for her encopresis.  Which we are getting ready to do a clean out this weekend, along with a specialized X-ray called a sitz marker test, and likely some blood work.

All in my last semester of my MBA.  I'm struggling. I'm feeling very overwhelmed.  Life is hard right now, and we are trying to balance it all.

And poor Bubba, he just deals with all of this.  And in the midst of it all we got a call from the school (he is in the preschool program in our school system as a typical peer) that he failed 2 vision tests.  They go down to 20-35 for preschool, and both times he couldn't make it past 20-50 in his left eye.  So an eye appointment is set up for a few weeks from now.

But we are hanging in there.  We will get there.  Life will continue on and we will push through it all.

Every year I wonder where the year has gone. 

How did it fly by so quickly?

How did my kids grow so much?

How...how...how...

Some days, when they are particularly hard and I'm stressed because of work, and school, and K is gone, I wish time away.  I hate that I do it, and it makes me sad when I realize what I'm doing. But I sometimes find myself saying 'when she is older/when he is older' and I hate myself for it.  

I really don't want the time to pass. I ask the kids all the time to stop growing, to which they look at me, and giggling, tell me no.

I wish they could slow down. I wish they could stay this way forever. I want the loves, the cuddles, the need for their mommy. I know it won't last, and my heart hurts knowing that they are growing up, and I never know when they will stop.

Already Bubba will only give kisses on your arm. It's adorable, and I'll never force him to kiss me, and I'm happy for the kisses he's willing to share. 

Bug, she's still such my lover. When K is gone, she wants to hug me, and hold me and lay with me, cuddle me and kiss me and just hang out with me. 

I. Love. Every. Minute. Of. It.

2015 was an amazing year.  I made it through 2 more semesters of my MBA. We had our entire first year in our newest home. My job continued to go well, K's job continued to go well.  Bug came a long way with her speech and preparing for Kindergarten next year. Bubba grew up so much that he is really, truly no longer my baby.  I passed a milestone that I never would have thought I'd be interested in hitting as I hit the 2 year mark of nursing Bubba (and then some).

I spent time frustrated, I let my temper get the best of me. I loved my husband and remembered time and time again why I married this man. My heart ached for those lost too soon while it also filled, even more, with love for those still here. 

I made attempts to see family that I don't see often enough. I remembered those that have had their own struggles in their lives. I started to work out again, and kept at it.  I cycled through eating better and giving in to my carb/sugar cravings. I enjoyed some drinks.

And I loved. Oh did I love. 

I thanked the Lord every day that I am still here, that I have the family I have and the life I love. Even during my most difficult days, when I'm ready to run away, I was able to remind myself of 2 things; this too shall pass, and even in the rough moments I'm a lucky lucky woman. 

So I close out 2015 feeling good, feeling proud. Knowing I wasn't always at my best, and that there's improvements needed. But I close it out happy.

I open 2016 knowing that I'll try and sometimes I'll still fail at things. I'll have days of stress and difficulties, but I'll continue to love my life. 

So here's to hoping that everyone has a wonderful year.  

Where have I been?

I forgot how tough school was.  I really did.

Every. Single. Waking. Moment (that wasn't spent on kids of course) was spent on schoolwork.  Studying, homework, quizzes, reading, you get the gist.

I finished my first semester back for my MBA with 2 A's.  I'm a proud person right now.  I'm showing my kids how hard work and determination can get you whatever you want out of life.  I'm showing them that education is important.

But I'm learning to balance it all.  And it's a balance.

There have been moments where I let my kids watch too much TV because I needed to get in some studying.

I've given up my precious sleep (and trust me, I need it) to get in more studying.

I've given up the limited time I have with K, all in the name of studying.

It's not easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

The next semester starts in just over a week.  I'm trying not to stress, but wind up at the same time.  I spent tonight reading the first chapter in my Economics book.  Scintillating I tell you.

Christmas was great.  We typically have a low key, just us holiday.  But this year my brother in law came to visit for the first time in 2 years.  So that started everything - we added in my mother in law, my parents and my brother.  It was wonderful seeing everyone, having people here, and enjoying the holiday in a house filled of family, laughter, food, and drink.

It was especially nice to see my brother in law.  He's doing really good right now, happy with the girl he's dating.  There's nothing I want more than to see that man happy.  We've had our ups and downs since we met 15 years ago (after K and I started dating), but he's such a good guy, and he's really K's best friend, and always has been.

My kids were spoiled, both with the tangible (thanks brother in law mentioned above, and yes, ourselves to an extent) and the intangible (TIME!!!  Time with us all!!!).  K was home for both Thanksgiving (which we also hosted, but just my parents and brother) and Christmas.  It's insane that his new(ish) job he's got top seniority - the positive about flying one of the planes that has a smaller fleet, but still enough pilots to not screw him.

He was gone for new years, but let's be honest, I haven't watched the ball drop in years - babies that don't sleep the best and a mama who needs lots of sleep don't really allow that to happen.

The positive is that he'll be home Tuesday, and Wednesday we'll be leaving for Disney World!

So cheers, I hope your holidays went well!!!

(and Becky - thanks for asking  - Bug's speech continues to improve everyday!!  It's AMAZING!!  Although interestingly, I swear she's taken a step or 2 back after being off for 2 weeks... I practice with her and can't help but wonder if it's normal??)

The Pilot Changes

So K was working for a local regional carrier.

And the mainline that that regional carrier did their thing for, well, they closed their hub here.

So the regional carrier ended up losing flights in the mix.

So K went from being domiciled here, to being domiciled in Washington DC.

And he still had lower seniority, so he was only getting a couple of nights worth of hotel room paid for.  And crappy (non) routes as he was getting put on reserve.

So that meant no per diem.  And we had to cover his crash pad.

Seriously people, we were paying for him to work.

It was getting more and more stressful.

So, he went looking.  Well, not really, but he talked to someone that he knows that works at DPJ, and she talked to the Chief Pilot for him.

Interview happened.  Job offer happened.

So, he took it.  Got a raise, became home based.  He's no longer nervous about being 'stuck' in this type of job, he thinks he can still move up to a mainline.

He'll have an 8 day work schedule.  Tuesday to Tuesday.  Consistent, which is NICE in this industry.  I know there will be trips that last longer, and the yearly training will be in his off time, but who cares.  I'll take it.

I told him it didn't matter to me, as long as it didn't harm our family and it made him happy.

So he's currently almost through his 3 week training.

Since I start back to school soon, I'm curious to see how he handles both kids, daycare pick up, dinner, and bed time, when he is home.  It'll be interesting as he's never really had to do it before with both of them.  My mom is going to watch them when he's working on my class days.

I am SO ready for him to be home.  Some days have been easy and others tough.  That's how it goes and I'm OK with that.

But I miss the man.  Oh do I miss him.

I can't wait for his return!!

It's about time....

So, part of the reason I haven't posted much in recent months (well, other than the obvious 2 kids and part time single mom status) is because I didn't have a working computer.  Our desktop took a crap a while back, and our laptop finally stopped allowing blogger to work correctly.

Then my work stopped letting me post.

So I was trying to post from my phone, or K's IPAD, or my nook... all of the above were a pain in the butt to post from, and left all my posts in a freaking mass with no separation or anything.

It was annoying.

So.  I got a new computer today!  I get to actually post again!

You know, when I have time.  Between the 2 kids, and part time single mom status.

Oh yeah, and school.  Because after 8 years I finally took the leap, and I start back for my MBA in about 3 weeks.

And holy crap, I'm scared.  I mean, I'm excited too, but I'm scared.  It's been a while since I've done the school thing, and doing it with all the above mentioned items as part of the mix, well, I'm nervous.

But it's OK, I'm gonna make it happen.

So deep breathing, and here's to moving on with good things in my life.

My Friday

Hi All!

Well, Bug is feeling better, but I think her 2 top teeth may finally be getting ready to come in. She got tooth number 4 just about a week ago... another one on the bottom! Once it comes in a little more I'll try to get a picture of it. Her fever finally went away, but then it turned into this all over body rash that looked HORRIBLE. She is still a little on the irritable side, and not sleeping real great, but we're getting there.

On another note, we are getting ready to go house searching. Someone asked in my post about moving, where we were going. We are going to Cleveland, Ohio. We are excited, but nervous and scared too. Wish us luck!

So we agreed that as soon as we move we are going to find a new RE again, and look at getting the process started. We both agreed that we are about 90% prepared to go donor sperm IUI route, in part because of the timing. We really don't want to wait another 5 years while we get K back to work and save up the money that we are going to be eating away during his lay off. I think he's really excited about it. During dinner tonight he was talking about taking Bug out on the boat next year, and taking her swimming, and then was joking with me about me not being able to go because hopefully I'd be pregnant, and I get so darn large when I'm pregnant that I wouldn't be able to swim for fear of being top heavy. (all in good fun joke :-) Then after we had just finished giving Bug a bath, and I was holding her and he was standing next to us, he made a comment that what would complete the picture would be another little one is his arms. It's SO sweet, I know he's really excited about doing it again.

Well, so much more to say, but off to my last class for my GMAT prep course. Which yes, I will still be doing even though we are moving. I'm a glutton for punishment... new job, new city, TTC with help, MBA, K laid off.... yep, I thrive on stress LOL.

Please know - even if I'm not commenting a lot on blogs, I am reading them! It's just a time issue right now...

AHHHHHH

I'm on a quick break during my class that I am taking to prep for my GMAT... and I have to ask myself....

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!

OK, I feel better now. Back to studying and preparing myself to make this dream happen!!

PS - I'm also freaked because we have our first consult with RE#1 tomorrow!!!

YIKES!!!

So much to say!!!

I don't know where to begin!!

So, right after we found out that K was going to get furloughed, we talked about me going back for my masters.  I've been wanting to do it for a while, and was getting ready to when I found out I was pregnant.  The time hasn't really been right since then, with Bug being so young and K being gone so much.  The timing was perfect now, because right about the time we were finding out of K's impending furlough, the other manager in the office (with less experience then me) got promoted to director and is now my boss.  (I wasn't even given an opportunity to try for this job, and I just had to teach him to interview for an open position!!!).  The next day a competitor to my company called and wanted to talk about a job, but while it was more money, it was going to be a lateral move.

Wow.

So, I thanked the competitor and told them to keep me in mind, but for now I was not looking for a lateral move.  This was a tough decision to make, but I think it's for the best right now.

Then today, I signed up to take a test prep course through Kaplan for my GMAT.  I'd like to have already taken it and been applying to meet that Oct 1 deadline that most schools have for their first round, but I didn't want to wait another year.  So, the class will end on Oct 5 and I'll try to take the GMAT soon after that, then apply for grad school.  I'm super excited, but so nervous.  I've been out for 5 years now (after it took 8 years to work through my associates and undergrad), but I've wanted to go back since I left.

So, where does this fall in with TTC?  Good question.  We are still going to our first initial consults next week.  I'm excited and nervous, but K and I had a discussion that anything we could do to continue moving forward with our lives during the TTC process, well, we would do them.  I know that school will be tough with going through IVF and a young one at home, but hey, I tend to work best under lots of pressure and stress!

Beyond that, work helps pay for school.  I'll still  have to take student loans too, but it's a lot of help.  IVF will be out of our pocket, and even though we're meeting with docs next week, I don't think we'll be able to start a cycle for a few months with K's future uncertain right now.  (we still haven't gotten notice of his furlough, ugh).  So, we can't justify cleaning out savings right now for IVF if he is going to be out of a job - we'll need that money to pay bills.  (having the house back home that we rent out doesn't help, unfortunately we collect less than what our mortgage is).  Especially as we are not sure how much he'll get from unemployment, and then how much he'll make in a new job.  If we knew it was going to be another year, then I would do it and not worry about it. 

We've been working on this sleep training, and to be honest, she sleeps better when K goes in then when I do.  If I do, she just wants to nurse, and will scream if we don't, which just wakes her up all the way.  The last 2 nights K took care of her at night, and she slept until 6:30.  Last night it was all me, and she was up at 5.  Go figure.

On a last note, and in line with a lot of my other posts lately, but backing up a bit.... I was on my way home today and listening to the soundtrack from City of Angels (good soundtrack, great tear filled movie for me).  The Alanis Morrisette song came on, and it reminded me of the year that K and I met, and how hard I tried to scare him off.  Then I saw a go fast bike going down the road, with a guy on it with a similar build to K, and it really got me going.  I remember the first time I saw K on his go fast bike.  It's the same one he still has today, so it's about 13 years old by now.  But, it was before they banned Smoking Joe from advertising for Camel Cigarette's.  Remember him?  Well, every year for just a few years Honda made a go fast bike with Smoking Joe on it.  While this one isn't his, here's what it looks like:

I think they made 2000 for the few years that they made them.  So not RARE per se, but not easy to come by either.  K got the 1998th one (if I remember right) made in 1998, the last year that they made them.  Pretty cool.

Anyways, the first time I saw him on it was amazing.  I got so turned on, being young (only 19) and naive.  He was hot, the bike was hot, and he had a lot of fun on it (not as stupid as some, but he enjoyed the speed for sure).  The first time I got on it with him I was in love.  Holding tight to him, feeling the power between our legs... wow, it was so amazing. 

I haven't been on that bike in years.  He probably has only been on it a few times in the last couple of years, and doesn't drive it near as crazy.  But man, I suddenly want to see him on it again, when Bug isn't home, and then enjoy some adult time :-)