ICLW

Hello Fellow ICLW'ers!

This is the second time that I've done ICLW, but it's been a while.  So I'll give you a quick run down on me and who I am.  K (the husband) and I started trying to get pregnant in early 2006.  Around a year into it (and after K telling me for months that we needed to get checked) we got checked.  Due to Cryptochordism as a child that went untreated until K was old enough to remember having the surgery, we were dealt the blow of moderately severe MFI.  We met with an Andrologist for a bit (a urologist specializing in male infertility) and tried Clomid for both of us along with some vitamins etc, only to find out that even if they helped K's numbers, they would still be so bad that IUI/AI still wouldn't do the trick.  There were around 600,000 swimmers in his samples, with less than 20% morphology and less than 15% motility (or maybe I have those %'s backwards).  So we self referred to an RE and jumped head first into IVF.

IVF cycle 1 round 1 was cancelled due to severe hyper stimulation.  IVF cycle 1 round 2 was cancelled because I ovulated before we started antegon.  IVF cycle 1 round 3 was a BFN.

We finally conceived via a donor, and have our beautiful daughter Bug, who is just about 16 months old.

Since she was born we have not prevented.  It took me a while to get AF back due to nursing, but she did finally join us.  We are now back on the wagon and dealing with secondary IF.  We met with a couple of RE's in September (we moved since treatments), and had been in the process of deciding IVF vs Donor sperm IUI and which doctor to go to, when my job transferred me 5 1/2 hours away and K got laid off.  So now, we continue to not prevent and have set aside extra money in next years flex save account.  We move next week, and will immediately work on setting up a couple of meet and greet appointments with a couple of new RE's and make our decision on which we'll use.  While we had originally been leaning toward donor sperm IUI, we have now officially decided to give IVF one LAST chance, then we will move onto donor sperm IUI and then adoption after a couple of cycles. 

Here's to admitting that secondary IF is no easier than primary IF.  The road is still hellish and long.  But having BTDT is currently giving me a different attitude towards everything, and the continued months of negative aren't killing me, I'm not tracking ovulation (although I typically can tell) and I'm only kind of paying attention to when AF comes.  I'm sure this may change once treatments get going again, but I'll keep my sanity as long as possible.

I look forward to finding some new bloggers to follow, and maybe gaining some new followers myself!

Happy ICLW!

Quick Updates

K is driving!  I'm So excited!

H went into labor on her own yesterday, shortly after I spoke with her.  In just under 4 hours of labor, and such a quick progression that she went pain med free (and she didn't want to LOL), she delivered beautiful baby P at 9:28 in the evening.  She was 7 lbs, 4 ozs and 20 inches long.  Please keep this family in your prayers, as I know the first 31 days are going to be very difficult for them, while they get past the point that they lost their angel baby. 

Last, a situation that I'm not sure I even ever complained about, our management company for our home that we are renting out back in T Town.  We ended up receiving notice that they were changing companies, and due to the way our contract is written it allowed us an out.  So, I sent them a term notice this morning and we will begin collecting rent directly from the renters in December.  This management company gave us problem after problem after problem... we had to hound them to collect our rent checks to pay mortgage, they wouldn't go over and fix things that needed fixing (including a leaky roof!!!) so we had to get contractors on our own (even though our contract with this company dictated that they were to fix these items), so you can get an idea of how horrible they were.  SO, we are going to be done with them!!

Yippee for keeping the good news coming!!!

Happy Friday!

(could I possibly put any more !! in this post???)

So much good!!

First the best news of all, K is coming home tomorrow!!! He has been gone for a month and 1/2 now, and I am SO ready for him to be home! I've missed him SO much. We both went into it not expecting it to be too hard, knowing it was the last time for a while, but for some reason it was really difficult. I think (from my end) because Bug had such a rough go of it for a bit, and for K, he just hated being where he was (especially since he was staying with his slob of a brother, M).

So, K finally managed to get his check ride scheduled, and he was the only one to get it in before the holiday. Thankfully. So he found out the FAA guy doing the ride, and the school told him that he failed everyone the first time around. The pass rate for the check ride in general is only like 20% to begin with. K pretty much didn't care at that point, he just wanted to get it over with and get home. We knew he could do another one once he got here (yes, at more cost to us). So, he had it today and he PASSED!!!! I guess this FAA guy hasn't passed ANYONE in 5 years! So the school then offered him a job, anywhere in the country that they had a school. They basically told him if he could impress this FAA guy, then he really is an amazing pilot.

So, K officially has is CFI/II. The original plan was for him to finish out his IA down there too, but time ran out. So he's gonna come home, we're gonna move, and then we'll figure it out from there. He has a few good options for finishing out the IA soon.

On another good news front, a good friend of mine, H, is being induced tomorrow, and will soon be holding little baby girl P in her arms! Some of you may remember H as my friend who lost her amazing little boy at a tender 31 days old.  Back in March she shared with me that she was expecting again.  We have kept in closer contact since then, and I have seen her a couple of times.  I'm not sure if it's easier for her to see me now that she has another on the way, but it almost seems like it. 

Most recently a few weeks ago we had lunch on my way through T Town for work.  We had a really great conversation, and while I can tell that her son is in her every waking thought, that she is really allowing herself to feel joy with this pregnancy.  I know it's tinged with fear, I know it's going to be a tough 31 days, and then while it may get easier, I'm sure it will remain tough until their little rainbow can verbalize if something is wrong.   We have talked all along about me seeing her soon after the baby is born, and she has agreed to let me stop in the day before Thanksgiving on my way through T Town as we are moving.  I will make a point of seeing her more often than that, and not just when it's 'convenient' for me.  I am so very happy for her, and I absolutely cannot wait to see her and meet her precious little girl!

Tomorrow is my last day at my office here in Indiana.  I am both happy and sad, excited and scared.  I will miss my staff and coworkers here.  I will miss the small office feel (we all got along), I will miss being a part of doing what we did here.  But, I look forward to a million more opportunities at Corporate, I look forward to being a part of all the great new stuff that they are doing in Ohio, and I will enjoy being able to walk into the office of the person that I need help from.  Bittersweet.  I mentioned the LOVE sculpture replica that they got me, so here it is:

Have a great night!!!

she came

As i expected, AF reared her ugly head yesterday. Ah well, that is how it goes. It is how it goes, i expected it.

On an up note, my staff took me out for dinner and a couple drinks last night and i had a blast. It was so good to get out, and they gave me a replica of the LOVE sign that is in front of the indianapolis museum of art. Thay said it was for my new desk, as a reminder of all the love that will remain back in Indiana.

It feels amazing. As a manager you hope that you are doing right by your staff, but sometimes it is hard to tell. Their actions and words over the last weeks have told me that i am doing something right. It makes me feel so good, and proud. I never want to turn into a manager that doesnt focus on her staff, they are my number one priority, i am only as good as they are.

I am amazed by the outpouring of love from them. I will truely miss my staff here, the staff that helped make me the manager i want to be.

infertile thoughts

So, my period is late. For a fertile woman, this would possibly signal a blessing on the way. For an infertile like myself it means a month of even worse disappointment because i am hoping, and praying, that maybe a miracle happened and i am pregnant. The rational part of me realizes that the immense stress i am under, the uptake in bugs nursing and the fact that i have only had AF back for 6 months is the cause of this delay. I thought about testing, but i cannot handle the disappointment of the negative that i know i will see. It is so tough being back in this position, wanting to be pregnant, not using birth control, but playing the waiting game while we move and find a new RE.

So today i had to go to the doctor for an infection and a lump in my naval. Strange, right? I have no idea how it happened, and the doctor was curious too. She took a swab to send out and gave me an antibiotic. So in the process she asks when my last period was. So of course i had to tell her it was 6 weeks ago and i am late. I quickly followed up with a quick explanation that we struggle with infertility so chances are that i am NOT pregnant. They talked about doing a pregnany test, but i refused. So she gave me an antibiotic that is ok with nursing and pregnancy 'just in case' in her words.

Salt in the wound.

And the Duggars are pregnant again, WTF.

Some of the other random stuff going on:

-i took the GMAT and did HORRIBLE. For someone who graduated with honors in HS and her bachelors, that sucks.

-i have one week left of work here before we move. I am excited and nervous. I am looking forward to the holidays with my family.

-K should be home the end of next week. He has been gone 6 insanely long weeks. I cannot wait!!

-bug slept through the night Tuesday night. But was back to waking up a number of times a night after that. I was thankful for that one night!

I know theres more, but i cant think of them right now.

CIO? Not in this house!!

For 15 1/2 months now, that is what I've been saying.  I feel very strongly about it, and so does K.  I've had to explain my position umpteen times to people who think it's the only answer.  I've explained over and over again about no cry sleep training methods, and how, at one point in time, they worked.

Those of you that have read my last couple of posts know that I'm seriously sleep deprived right now.  Since K left (5 weeks ago today) she has been up anywhere from 4 - 8 times a night, every night at least one of those times we are up for 1 - 2 hours (on a few occasions 3 or more hours) at a time, with Bug screaming her little head off.  It's exhausting, I'm exhausted.  When I pick her up it doesn't soothe her.  The only way I can soothe her is by nursing.  My nips were hurting.  Then, half the time, as soon as I popped the boob out of her mouth the screaming would start again.  She was banging her head on the crib.  Arching her back when held, but throwing herself around and reaching for me when not held.

I've tried everything, teething tabs, tylenol, ibuprofen, gas drops, gripe water, nasonex, two rounds of antibiotics, D'Allergy, some oragel (only once - it's a big no no, but I was desperate!!).  I've made it hotter, and colder, in her room.  We've tried an earlier, and a later bed time.  We changed her daytime nap around.  I've slept next to her crib with my hand in it.  I've even brought her into bed with me.  NOTHING has worked.  She's exhausted.  Wake up for the day has been around 4:00.  Then she screams for the first couple of hours that she's awake.  Then when I pick her up at daycare, she screams until I get her ready for bed.  During this awake time, she wants to be held, but doesn't want to be held.  She doesn't want to play.  The best thing I can do is carry her around the house, because if I sit it makes it worse. If I stand and walk it's a LITTLE better.  It's been an ordeal. 

During these 5 weeks there have been a few times where out of sheer desperation I called and woke up K in the middle of the night, hoping his voice would soothe her.  Typically this has been after 2 hours of screaming, so we're all exhausted.  I can't really say if it's worked or if it's just been that she's that exhausted after that long.  I'm not sure.  But I really honestly believe that a large part of this problem right now is separation anxiety from K. 

So, two nights ago, in my sleep deprived delusions I heard her crying.  I laid there in bed while the tears started to roll down my face.  I didn't know what to do anymore.  I KNEW that as soon as I walked in there the crying would turn to screams and the nightly cycle would start again.  So I laid there.  Crying.  Listening to my baby cry.  I couldn't drag my exhausted body out of bed, I didn't have the physical or emotional energy.  My head pounded, the tears kept coming.  Then, I realized, she wasn't crying anymore.  I listened.  Silence.  Pure, blissful silence.  I passed out. 

A couple hours later she woke again, and I nursed her.  She went back to sleep and I was just on the verge of falling back to sleep myself when she woke up again, crying.  I laid there, frozen.  This wasn't screaming, but it was a little more than fussing.  I didn't know what to do.  It was like I couldn't make a decision anymore.

She went back to sleep on her own.

Now, I haven't set an alarm in a few weeks because of these insanely early mornings.

I woke up yesterday morning at about 6:20 and went and checked on her.  She was blissfully snoozing away.  I showered, got dressed, got all ready and woke HER up at 6:50.  When I woke her up she was a happy baby.

Then the mommy guilt hit.  I just did something that I am AGAINST for a variety of reasons.  My sleep deprived brain let me make that choice.  And I hated it.  It made me so mad.  How could I let her cry?

So I picked her up yesterday from daycare, and like always she cried on the way home.  Got home and ate dinner, and she was HAPPY BABY for the rest of the night.  Giggling (oh how I've missed those glorious giggles, those life saving, soul saving, heart warming giggles that I have been deprived of).  We sat on the floor together and played.  I chased her around the house as she laughed and smiled, and DIDN'T CRY.

I told K what I did, and he was great about it.  As he pointed out if she was going to be crying anyways, sometimes you just have to let it happen.

Last night, she woke up at 3:00 the first time, I couldn't believe that she made it that long.  I got up and nursed her.  She woke up at 5:00, and guilty mom let her cry for a few, and she was back out.  She woke up a Happy Baby at about 6:30.

I still hate CIO.  I would never do it with a young baby, and if these circumstances weren't what they are I wouldn't have allowed it to happen the last two nights.  I hate the feeling of guilt, but my baby girl is HAPPY again.  How is it that something that seems so wrong to me is the only thing that seems to have helped?  Is it a fluke? Coincidence? Do I allow it to happen for a couple more nights and see if her sleeping habits continue to get better? 

I don't know where to go from here............

Where have I been?

It seems like it's been forever since I've written. So, where have I been?

Last weekend I had to drive out to Cleveland for my first day of work in my new job. It's a 5 1/2 hour drive, with Bug that ends up being more for breaks and a full sit down meal versus a quick drive through.

Bug's sleeping hasn't been any better. Well, it was for about 3 days, then it got worse again. I have no idea what's going on, although I have a feeling quite a bit of it is due to K being gone (and has been now for over a month). We'll see how it changes once he gets home in about 2 weeks. (which I'm SO over him being gone!!!).

So, I had my open enrollment for work last week. K and I chatted about it, choosing the right health plan, and deciding how much money to put in our flexsave account. Well, we decided on $3,000. We picked this because, even though we were leaning heavily towards doing donor sperm IUI, we have instead decided to go all out and do IVF. With the money from flexsave, plus our return, my bonus and maybe some credit card debt, we think we can make it work. Yes, even with him off. He is fighting the state trying to get his unemployment, which would help GREATLY, but he's being careful to tell them he's out of state because of some stuff he found online. They are trying to tell us that he hasn't paid to the state, but we have his check stubs to prove it, but he has to go into the office to get it hashed out. So I don't know how that's going to work right before we move, but we'll end up filing in Ohio anyways, but I'm concerned about how it'll all pan out.

So big decisions. We'll plan on picking a new RE soon after moving, and probably get things going after the first of the year. That gives me time to get Buggie weaned and get any updated tests that the RE wants to see.

It's been strange working out of this office but not having any reps there report to me like they used to. I'm trying to get some backlogged stuff caught up now before the big move happens. Wish me luck!

On the move front, the movers pack us all up and in the first of the week of Thanksgiving. We get in the car and drive out the day before Thanksgiving, so it'll be nice to spend Thanksgiving with my parents. Then we get the keys and they unload the day after Thanksgiving!

Wow, it's all coming so fast!!

And the GMAT? In case you're wondering... I'm squeezing some studying in here and there, and I take it on Wednesday. It'll be nice to have that off my chest.

Have a great one!!