Birthday

April 14th. It's my birthday! I'm 34 years old today, and life is great. We get possession of our new home in 2 weeks. We get to move from a place we despise to one we love. We get to save some money, cut off commute time, and call a place our own again. Bug will turn 4 soon, and she's growing up so fast. Goose amazes me every day as he proves he is so different from his sister. We've struggled financially recently but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm going back to school in August. I've put off my masters for years, and now it's time. We will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary this year. And I've been promised a night out at the melting pot for dinner for my birthday. It's all I want. Life is good.

Where has the time gone?

I'm feeling like the last 2 weeks have passed in the simple blink of an eye.  I didn't get to focus as much on ICLW as I wanted, but I definitely got out there and found some new blogs. 

So, I started my new job on Tuesday.  My commute has gone from about 15 minutes to 40 minutes, and that's as long as I leave by 6:40.  If I wait until 7:00 it's more like an hour.  This job is great, I love it already, but it is insanely fast paced.  And the meetings??  OMG.  Put it this way... yesterday I got called into an impromptu 8:00am meeting, then I had meetings scheduled for 9:00, 10:00, 11:00, 1:30, 2:00 and 3:00.  Um, yeah.  Getting work done?  I'm not so sure that happens so much.  And crazily, this is a pretty typical schedule as I peek at my calendar over the next couple of weeks. And this is near the Holidays!!  How bad will it be after that?  I don't even want to think about it.

We found a new ped for buggie, and a new daycare although she hasn't started yet.  K was going to keep her home until the first of the year, but I'm thinking he needs to put her in 1 or 2 days a week.  He's just not used to dealing All. Day. Long. with a demanding baby.  He can't spend any time trying to find a new job, our house still needs about 1/2 unpacked, you get the point. 

Next step?  To find a new RE.  That's on the goal list in the next week or so, that way we can get an initial consult scheduled hopefully soon after the first of the year.  I just don't want to wait.  I feel like baby fever is coming on pretty strong.  I'm still handling it well, but it still sucks every month when AF rears her head. 

My new boss, W, made me feel really good yesterday.  Some quick background - the department that I took over has had some serious turn over lately, moral is low, the staff feels neglected and unsure with all of the crazy changes that are taking place in the way my department does business.  So, one of my first things is to hire in two new reps.  My VP is the same VP that I've had (he was originally my director) for the last 5 years.  We get along great.  OK, so I was chatting with W about the resumes that we received and moving forward with my interviews.  We are very worried about losing another rep, and she's the best we have so we really need to keep her.  The VP was telling W that he didn't care if she left, because he knows that I will pull together a great team, and train them well, and we'll have a team that can do what the market now dictates.  We laughed because really, I'm going to train them all?  Um, some of that will be delegated to my other staff members, which is one good reason why I don't want to lose my great rep.  So it made me fell really good, my VP has a lot of hope in me, but that's really a lot of pressure.  I'm not in the most high profile territory for my company, so there's a lot riding on me making things happen.

I love the pressure.  That, however, doesn't make it easy :-)

ICLW

Hello Fellow ICLW'ers!

This is the second time that I've done ICLW, but it's been a while.  So I'll give you a quick run down on me and who I am.  K (the husband) and I started trying to get pregnant in early 2006.  Around a year into it (and after K telling me for months that we needed to get checked) we got checked.  Due to Cryptochordism as a child that went untreated until K was old enough to remember having the surgery, we were dealt the blow of moderately severe MFI.  We met with an Andrologist for a bit (a urologist specializing in male infertility) and tried Clomid for both of us along with some vitamins etc, only to find out that even if they helped K's numbers, they would still be so bad that IUI/AI still wouldn't do the trick.  There were around 600,000 swimmers in his samples, with less than 20% morphology and less than 15% motility (or maybe I have those %'s backwards).  So we self referred to an RE and jumped head first into IVF.

IVF cycle 1 round 1 was cancelled due to severe hyper stimulation.  IVF cycle 1 round 2 was cancelled because I ovulated before we started antegon.  IVF cycle 1 round 3 was a BFN.

We finally conceived via a donor, and have our beautiful daughter Bug, who is just about 16 months old.

Since she was born we have not prevented.  It took me a while to get AF back due to nursing, but she did finally join us.  We are now back on the wagon and dealing with secondary IF.  We met with a couple of RE's in September (we moved since treatments), and had been in the process of deciding IVF vs Donor sperm IUI and which doctor to go to, when my job transferred me 5 1/2 hours away and K got laid off.  So now, we continue to not prevent and have set aside extra money in next years flex save account.  We move next week, and will immediately work on setting up a couple of meet and greet appointments with a couple of new RE's and make our decision on which we'll use.  While we had originally been leaning toward donor sperm IUI, we have now officially decided to give IVF one LAST chance, then we will move onto donor sperm IUI and then adoption after a couple of cycles. 

Here's to admitting that secondary IF is no easier than primary IF.  The road is still hellish and long.  But having BTDT is currently giving me a different attitude towards everything, and the continued months of negative aren't killing me, I'm not tracking ovulation (although I typically can tell) and I'm only kind of paying attention to when AF comes.  I'm sure this may change once treatments get going again, but I'll keep my sanity as long as possible.

I look forward to finding some new bloggers to follow, and maybe gaining some new followers myself!

Happy ICLW!

she came

As i expected, AF reared her ugly head yesterday. Ah well, that is how it goes. It is how it goes, i expected it.

On an up note, my staff took me out for dinner and a couple drinks last night and i had a blast. It was so good to get out, and they gave me a replica of the LOVE sign that is in front of the indianapolis museum of art. Thay said it was for my new desk, as a reminder of all the love that will remain back in Indiana.

It feels amazing. As a manager you hope that you are doing right by your staff, but sometimes it is hard to tell. Their actions and words over the last weeks have told me that i am doing something right. It makes me feel so good, and proud. I never want to turn into a manager that doesnt focus on her staff, they are my number one priority, i am only as good as they are.

I am amazed by the outpouring of love from them. I will truely miss my staff here, the staff that helped make me the manager i want to be.

Where have I been?

It seems like it's been forever since I've written. So, where have I been?

Last weekend I had to drive out to Cleveland for my first day of work in my new job. It's a 5 1/2 hour drive, with Bug that ends up being more for breaks and a full sit down meal versus a quick drive through.

Bug's sleeping hasn't been any better. Well, it was for about 3 days, then it got worse again. I have no idea what's going on, although I have a feeling quite a bit of it is due to K being gone (and has been now for over a month). We'll see how it changes once he gets home in about 2 weeks. (which I'm SO over him being gone!!!).

So, I had my open enrollment for work last week. K and I chatted about it, choosing the right health plan, and deciding how much money to put in our flexsave account. Well, we decided on $3,000. We picked this because, even though we were leaning heavily towards doing donor sperm IUI, we have instead decided to go all out and do IVF. With the money from flexsave, plus our return, my bonus and maybe some credit card debt, we think we can make it work. Yes, even with him off. He is fighting the state trying to get his unemployment, which would help GREATLY, but he's being careful to tell them he's out of state because of some stuff he found online. They are trying to tell us that he hasn't paid to the state, but we have his check stubs to prove it, but he has to go into the office to get it hashed out. So I don't know how that's going to work right before we move, but we'll end up filing in Ohio anyways, but I'm concerned about how it'll all pan out.

So big decisions. We'll plan on picking a new RE soon after moving, and probably get things going after the first of the year. That gives me time to get Buggie weaned and get any updated tests that the RE wants to see.

It's been strange working out of this office but not having any reps there report to me like they used to. I'm trying to get some backlogged stuff caught up now before the big move happens. Wish me luck!

On the move front, the movers pack us all up and in the first of the week of Thanksgiving. We get in the car and drive out the day before Thanksgiving, so it'll be nice to spend Thanksgiving with my parents. Then we get the keys and they unload the day after Thanksgiving!

Wow, it's all coming so fast!!

And the GMAT? In case you're wondering... I'm squeezing some studying in here and there, and I take it on Wednesday. It'll be nice to have that off my chest.

Have a great one!!

It's official!!

So, after my post yesterday the director that is hiring called me.  They finally worked everything out with HR, and offered me exactly what I needed in order for us to move.  So, it's official!  I will travel to Cleveland 10/31, and that will be my first day.  I will actually physically work out of the Indy office until my start date of 12/1 at Corporate.

I'm excited, and scared to death.  It's doing the same basic job I do now, but it's actually really different.  Plus you add in that it's our corporate office, it's in downtown, I'll have a much longer commute, we still have to find a daycare, yada yada yada.

Craziness!!

My Friday

Hi All!

Well, Bug is feeling better, but I think her 2 top teeth may finally be getting ready to come in. She got tooth number 4 just about a week ago... another one on the bottom! Once it comes in a little more I'll try to get a picture of it. Her fever finally went away, but then it turned into this all over body rash that looked HORRIBLE. She is still a little on the irritable side, and not sleeping real great, but we're getting there.

On another note, we are getting ready to go house searching. Someone asked in my post about moving, where we were going. We are going to Cleveland, Ohio. We are excited, but nervous and scared too. Wish us luck!

So we agreed that as soon as we move we are going to find a new RE again, and look at getting the process started. We both agreed that we are about 90% prepared to go donor sperm IUI route, in part because of the timing. We really don't want to wait another 5 years while we get K back to work and save up the money that we are going to be eating away during his lay off. I think he's really excited about it. During dinner tonight he was talking about taking Bug out on the boat next year, and taking her swimming, and then was joking with me about me not being able to go because hopefully I'd be pregnant, and I get so darn large when I'm pregnant that I wouldn't be able to swim for fear of being top heavy. (all in good fun joke :-) Then after we had just finished giving Bug a bath, and I was holding her and he was standing next to us, he made a comment that what would complete the picture would be another little one is his arms. It's SO sweet, I know he's really excited about doing it again.

Well, so much more to say, but off to my last class for my GMAT prep course. Which yes, I will still be doing even though we are moving. I'm a glutton for punishment... new job, new city, TTC with help, MBA, K laid off.... yep, I thrive on stress LOL.

Please know - even if I'm not commenting a lot on blogs, I am reading them! It's just a time issue right now...

Oh the life of a pilots wife.... and TTC

So, we have a crazy month ahead of us. K is supposed to be released tomorrow, after being gone for 17 days. We're excited, to say the least.

Then.

Because there is always a Then with a pilot. He calls today to verify his rental car for tomorrow, and they tell him that they can't get it yet. Because, they haven't filled an overtime spot that they posted yesterday, and K is low man on the totem pole. Hello Junior Assigned - again - for the 8th month in a row. Junior Assigned basically means he just gets the crap that no one else wants, and is forced into it, which means more time away from home. They can keep him up to 20 days a month before the union contract stipulates that they have to send him home if he asks. Needless to say, if he's not done by Tuesday, he's going to ask.

Why?

Well, crap. We moved less than a month ago, and he left almost right after the move. So it's just been Bug and Me. I'll bet you can guess how much of my house still needs unpacked? Yep, lots. Not that it's a HUGE deal, we're getting by, and I try to get at least a little done every day.

However.

Let me tell you about my week coming up. I work everyday, until at least 5 - like normal. Then Monday and Tuesday evenings after work we are meeting up with potential babysitters (since we have no one else here to watch Bug, it's about time I have someone when needed!) Wednesday afternoon for work we are going to a ball game (I know, tough day), but who knows when I'll make it home from that. Thursday evening we have a work function that includes spouses...at a ball game (lol). Hence, the need for the babysitter. Then Friday, Nana (my mom) and one of K's friends are coming into town. Saturday my best friend C and her daughter are coming, as well as another friend A as well as K's mom and sister. Almost all of them are staying with us.

Yep, house NEEDS to be unpacked. At least mostly. One of the extra beds isn't even put together yet!!!

Sunday, we have Bug's baptism and a gathering for her birthday.

Monday Monday Monday - my little girl will turn 1!! I took the day off, and some of those out of towners coming in will be staying over too. I'm so excited! So much fun!!

So, why the TTC part? Well, we all know when K's job can keep him up to 20 days a month, it's gonna be a bit tough to make another baby through treatments. I'm not stressing about it yet, but I did have to change one of the appointments for next month from the 16th to the 17th because his travel is on the 16th. I told him he had to really kiss scheduling butt to make sure that he IS HOME for the appointments.

I left a message on Tuesday morning for the third office, and it was a double message. One to try to get them in my network as they are not, and two to set up a consult. Guess what? They haven't called me back. K and I agreed that if they can't call back for this, then how would we trust them with the important calls? So, we're just not going to see them unless we absolutely do NOT like one of the other offices/docs. It sucks because it's the office that came recommended to me. My friend loved the doc, but we all know that means nothing when it comes to the office staff. I refuse to have a crappy office staff at my fertility clinic. There are way too many emotions involved, way to much money being spent, and too much stress as it is - I'm not about to add a stressor of crappy office staff into the mix.  So, we'll do these first two visits and go from there!

I've spent a little time over the last few days putting together the gist of our IF history. Not just the basics (like when and what) but the details as much as I could find... what meds, the dosages, how long, dates... number of follicles, level of hormones, etc. I'm amazed at the amount of info that I still had! Not that they won't still need to get the records, but I'm pretty impressed with myself! I'm hoping this will help the consult go smooth!

OH - I almost forgot! Bug's been cranky lately (remember my inconsolable post?!) and a third tooth finally broke through last night! It's barely broken through, so sleep last night was still crappy, but I'm hoping that it'll be better now - even if only for a little while! She is so taking after me and being different already... First tooth was lower left, second was lower right. So, one would think that her third would be an upper, right? Nope, not my girl. She's got another on the lower left. Yep, three teeth - all on the bottom!!

Here's to being happy it's Friday!!

~Emms

Moving

I've been commenting on others blogs as much as possible, but the last week has been crazy. We packed up the apartment and moved into our new house! I'd post pictures, but the dog broke the camera over the weekend. Yep, the dog did it. I'll tell you that story later though.

So, Thursday was pretty much spent packing, and we all felt good about what we got done. I started spotting here (anyone remember this happening last month too?)

Friday we moved two big loads of boxes and smaller items to the house, and tried to at least get the stuff in the room it belonged in. Some more spotting, I just assumed it was a repeat of last month.

Saturday we did another load of boxes and smaller items in the morning, then the movers came to do all the big, heavy, furniture. Then we spent some time trying to unpack in the afternoon while we still had my mom around. And yes, more spotting.

Sunday we made our last trip with a bunch of stored items (from the house back home) in the morning before my mom left. The afternoon was spent attempting to finish unloading that load and putting stuff away... all while watching the baby. And more spotting. It's getting old now, the move needs to be done and the spotting needs to go away.

Monday, the baby went to daycare, and we went to the apartment to get the last misc items and clean, clean, clean. In the meantime, I got to begin fighting off my Aunt. The bitch decided it was time, after about 20 months of being a no show (thankfully - I'm not complaining about that part) she came, and she came with a vengeance. It felt like a teenage boy was scraping my insides with a dull razor. Yeah, it felt that good. And the sheer amount. I know I was warned about this time coming, but I've never dealt with such an angry, angry aunt.

I was actually enjoying not being among the ranks of this part of womanhood. I mean, really, we all wished this on ourselves as teenagers (at least, those of us late bloomers), didn't we? I know I did... I was 16 when I started, and was embarrassed to tell people that I hadn't (I was a gymnast). Wow, was I ignorant.

It's like the long lost family member that everyone remembered, in the dark recesses of their minds, but tried to forget. That person that you were worried that if you thought too much about them, they just might show up on your doorstep. I don't think any of us missed this family member, not me, not K, and probably not even the dog. Heck, Bug didn't miss it, and she didn't even know what she wasn't missing! Then BOOM. There she is. On my doorstep. Waving the angry red flag saying 'Woo Hoo, Guess who's home? I've missed you, I just KNOW you've missed me too! Now, what kind of yummy greasy food is for dinner tonight (chicken noodle soup)? And Ice Cream for dessert I hope (absolutely), but cake will do if that's all you have' as she pushed her way in, past my wide eyes, while my brain screamed 'no, go away, I'm not quite ready for you yet!!!'

The worst part? I was totally unprepared. One would think 'Hey Emms, you had that cutie pie 11 months ago, wouldn't you have thought that at one time or another, during that long wait, that you would have purchased some care for this much hated anticipated moment?' Nope, nah, not me. I had to dig through a box, in the garage, in the middle of the night with just a liner on, looking for something, anything. At least I found the few pads left from delivery, and didn't have to go out in the middle of the night for something!

Moving is bad enough, but add to it the coursing hormones through my body.... ugh.... I know, I know, it's part of life, blah blah blah. Just wait for the posts once I start the BCP's and injections in preparation for IVF ha ha ha.

I recognize that I even need it back to get this baby making thing going again. But, I was kinda hoping that they would work around it and my 'first' would be the one that they force me to have when starting the process for IVF. Hey, a girl can wish, can't she?

Why, why must she be so mean to me? (insert whiny voice here)

Well, I'm beat up, covered in bruises and sore as all get out. Dealing with the nasty aunt we all know and hate, and back to work today to an inbox full of crap to do. Unpacking will take months I think, especially with K leaving in a few days for work. I guess the good thing is that I didn't, and don't, have most of the symptoms that I used to get with her. No cramping, no migraine, not really even too much moodiness (although you probably can't tell from this post!), just some bloating. Of course, if I HAD those symptoms, I may have been better prepared :-p

The joys of life :-)

Wish me luck!

So, I think I found a house for us to rent. It's beautiful, and has just about everything we were hoping to find.

It's about $100 more expensive then we wanted to go, but so long as we get our house back home rented out, it will be OK. I turned in our application and app fee today. We should find out the beginning of the week if we got it or not.

I'm not excited to move, but I'm super excited to get out of an apartment and back into a house! I don't even care that I'll have to take care of the lawn when K isn't around, it's not too big, and I can totally make it happen!!

Emms

Aftershocks of Infertility and Failed IVF

So, I've written all about our failed IVF treatments.  I've told you how they affected us while we were going through them.  I have not yet told you about the aftershocks.  They rippled through our entire lives, and affected us in countless ways.

First off, we agreed to jump right back on the bandwagon.  We were going to try IVF again in October 2008.  But then the fighting started.  The harsh words.  The blame.  The avoidance of each other.  The drinking to forget (for me).  Our relationship went downhill, and it went so fast that no one even realized how bad it had gotten until we hit rock bottom.

Rock bottom started on the day that we started sleeping in different bedrooms.  Then K moved out and in with his mom.  We talked less and less, and when we did, it was always fighting.  I remember the day my boss put an offer on the table for me to move for work.  I told him No, but then when I told K about it he freaked and thought I said yes.  We screamed at each other over the phone for my entire 2 hour drive home.  That was the night that we started sleeping in different rooms.  He moved out right before Thanksgiving, but we still hosted a family dinner.  It was the absolute pit of Hell for both of us, and ended with me locking myself in my bedroom bawling.

We started to live our own lives.  We starting talking about divorce.  We couldn't look at each other.  But he did tell me that I would have to file, that he never would.

I finally went back to my boss and told him I was interested in what he could do for me to move, 4 hours away.  I needed out.  A week later, he offered me a moving package that I couldn't refuse.  I told K.  He was upset, but took it in stride.  Looking back now, that move was the best thing for us at the time.  We were so angry with one another.

With the decision of divorce, we both started dating other people.  I moved.  He went back to school.  We both lived the single life, and for a time, loved it.  We still had to talk because we owned our house back home.  I had started going to church before I moved, but now I started RCIA classes and decided to be baptized catholic.  We spent a lot of time talking about the rite of marriage and it hurt to know that I was throwing that rite away.  I started realizing how much I missed K, the him before we dealt with infertility.  The me before we dealt with infertility.  I was afraid to admit that to him, or even really myself.  I continued to date, so did he.  I got counseling, and slowly came to grips with the tragedy I had endured, with the loss of my babies, and inadvertantly, with the loss of my love, my husband. 

Slowly, the talks became less fighting and more talking.  We became friends again.  We even had some talks about the people we were dating.  The more we talked, the more we talked, if that makes sense.  I started finding myself checking my phone to see if I had texts from him, even when I was with the guy I was dating.  That became my sign.  I knew what I had thrown away.  K had always said I would have to file for divorce, but I could never bring myself to do it.  But I didn't think he'd have me back.  Not after what I had done. 

I ended things with the guy I was seeing.  K and I started talking more.  I was so afraid to let him know how I felt.  He was no longer dating anyone either.  He said it though, he was stronger than I was, 'Let's try this again.'  I was so afraid, afraid that it wouldn't work, and that one of us would hurt the other.  We had plans to see each other over Christmas, and I told him that we would see how that went and go from there.  He agreed.  We talked about it more and more.  We saw each other a couple of times, but it was a non intimate situation.

Then the other shoe fell.  The one thing that in my mind could ruin any chances of making it happen.  I never realized that in the long run it wouldn't have that effect at all.

I found out I was pregnant.

Somewhat ironic that someone who thought they couldn't get pregnant ended up pregnant 'by accident.'  I thought I knew my cycle, but I messed it up one month.  I forgot that while I always considered US infertile (and still do), I forgot to remember that I could get pregnant, that we suffered from severe Male Factor Infertility, and there was 'nothing' wrong with me.  I got careless.  When I found out it was a moment of pure joy, I was elated beyond belief, then I had the moment where I thought to myself that it was the wrong situation. 

The day I told K I cried so hard.  He took it well, but he cancelled our plans for the night and went out to have his alone time.  I was devestated, and had prepared myself for single parenthood.  But I was wrong about K.  He called me and said, 'you know, this is what we always wanted.  wanting this almost destroyed us, and now we've been offered a miracle.  I love you and love our child.'  He also pointed out that we were getting divorced, that he made the same choices that I did, he did the same things that I did, but he really couldn't get anyone else pregnant.

He opened his arms and took me back, with unconditional love.  I'm not saying we haven't had to work hard, because we have.  We had a lot of hurdles to get over, a lot of apologizing and forgiving to do.  But we did it.  We made it in one piece.  We learned how to communicate.  But it has all been worth it and now we are stronger than ever.  K adopted Bug, so we are truly one unit, one family, Bug is his daughter, period.  We even have to catch ourselves before giving K's medical history for her. 

I was baptized at Easter last April.  I was 6 months pregnant, and it was right before my 30th birthday.  I thank God, literally, for giving me my life and love back.  I thank him for making me see the light, I thank Him and my counselor for getting me to accept and move on from my demons.  We go to church every week, with very few exceptions.  We have finally found GodParents for Bug (virtually no one we know is Catholic), and are getting ready to baptize her.  Every day, every week, I thank God for K, for Bug, and yes, for our sperm donor.  I thank God for helping me to get back on path, and to help keep me on it.  When I struggle, I talk to K now instead of keeping it in.  I am, in a good way, a changed woman.

The wrong situation turned out to be the best thing of my, of our, lives.