Every year I wonder where the year has gone. 

How did it fly by so quickly?

How did my kids grow so much?

How...how...how...

Some days, when they are particularly hard and I'm stressed because of work, and school, and K is gone, I wish time away.  I hate that I do it, and it makes me sad when I realize what I'm doing. But I sometimes find myself saying 'when she is older/when he is older' and I hate myself for it.  

I really don't want the time to pass. I ask the kids all the time to stop growing, to which they look at me, and giggling, tell me no.

I wish they could slow down. I wish they could stay this way forever. I want the loves, the cuddles, the need for their mommy. I know it won't last, and my heart hurts knowing that they are growing up, and I never know when they will stop.

Already Bubba will only give kisses on your arm. It's adorable, and I'll never force him to kiss me, and I'm happy for the kisses he's willing to share. 

Bug, she's still such my lover. When K is gone, she wants to hug me, and hold me and lay with me, cuddle me and kiss me and just hang out with me. 

I. Love. Every. Minute. Of. It.

2015 was an amazing year.  I made it through 2 more semesters of my MBA. We had our entire first year in our newest home. My job continued to go well, K's job continued to go well.  Bug came a long way with her speech and preparing for Kindergarten next year. Bubba grew up so much that he is really, truly no longer my baby.  I passed a milestone that I never would have thought I'd be interested in hitting as I hit the 2 year mark of nursing Bubba (and then some).

I spent time frustrated, I let my temper get the best of me. I loved my husband and remembered time and time again why I married this man. My heart ached for those lost too soon while it also filled, even more, with love for those still here. 

I made attempts to see family that I don't see often enough. I remembered those that have had their own struggles in their lives. I started to work out again, and kept at it.  I cycled through eating better and giving in to my carb/sugar cravings. I enjoyed some drinks.

And I loved. Oh did I love. 

I thanked the Lord every day that I am still here, that I have the family I have and the life I love. Even during my most difficult days, when I'm ready to run away, I was able to remind myself of 2 things; this too shall pass, and even in the rough moments I'm a lucky lucky woman. 

So I close out 2015 feeling good, feeling proud. Knowing I wasn't always at my best, and that there's improvements needed. But I close it out happy.

I open 2016 knowing that I'll try and sometimes I'll still fail at things. I'll have days of stress and difficulties, but I'll continue to love my life. 

So here's to hoping that everyone has a wonderful year.  

You are my World

Every night, when I get to tuck you in, I hold you tight and try to memorize the feel of your warm bodies against me.  The way they fit in my arms.  The way your heads fit just right into the crook of my neck, or on my chest, or my tummy.  The way your little hands curl up between my breasts, or around my waist, or twiddle with my hair.

The way you throw your little legs over my leg.  Or the way you spoon your little body with mine.  The way you tuck your face into my neck and face.  The way you smell like little girl mixed with dirt and paint.  The way you sometimes want me to tuck you in, and others, in your own show of independence, you do not.  The sound of you as you suck on your tongue.  The way you ask me to leave your door open, and sometimes you ask me to come back in and tuck you in, just one more time.

The way you crawl up in the glider when we go to your room.  The way you let me pick you up and sit down with you on my lap, the way you look up at my and simply say 'nurse mama.'  The way you nurse, and insist that my arm stays around you.  If I move it, for even a second, you reach up and pull it back to you.  When I hold you before putting you in your crib, I try to memorize the weight of you.  The smell of your hair, and your neck.  That smell that lingers on baby boy while toeing the line into just boy. The way your head rests on my shoulder while your legs hang down past my hips.

Every night, when I check on you just one more time before I go to bed myself, I watch you.  In the silence of the night when you are at your most peaceful, I try to memorize the way your eyes and nose fit in your faces.  I try to memorize the way your little mouths hang open, just a bit, as you slumber.  I watch to see your chest rise and fall, and I cover you if you've kicked them off.  I apologize if I got short with you today, even if I already apologized while you were awake.  I try to remember these moments, because they will be gone too soon.  I try to not to think of the day that you won't want these cuddles, that you'll go to bed without begging for one more story, or one more song. One day you'll simply stop asking to nurse, or you'll stop asking me to check on you just one more time.

I try not to think of that day where you go to bed wanting these kisses and cuddles, and you'll wake up too big for them.

Because no matter what I do, and no matter how much I want it, I cannot slow down the process, nor can I stop it.  You will grow up, and I don't want to forget these moments.

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life

Dear K,

The day we met, I didn’t yet realize that you were ‘the one.’  But it didn’t take long after to know it for sure.  The day you proposed to me was one of the best days of my life, my heart felt so full, so right.  Those first couple of years were rough in a way that you might not have even realized ~ an Addict getting over an addiction doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time, energy and effort.  Do you remember that night in New York?  We’d only been dating for a short time, it was our first vacation together.  I had a breakdown halfway back to our hotel.  I don’t even remember what the issue was, but I know it had something to do with the addiction.

See, that’s the funny thing about addiction.  It never really goes away.  It gets better, sometimes you find yourself missing the fuel that feeds the addiction.  But the addiction is still there.  I was an addict, that means I am an addict, and will be forever.  Even if I did fight off those dusty old demons at the tender age of 19.  And you know what?  You never cared.  You decided that you liked the ME that I really was, regardless of those demons.  You accepted me, wounded heart, soul and all.

So many months (ok, not really that many) later you proposed.  I was the happiest mind, heart and soul around.  I sometimes still worried about relapsing, but I never spent too much time worrying about it.  I had life to live!  Love to make!  Fun to have!!

The year we got married was an amazing year.  Sure, there were some moments that we probably drove each other nuts, but you know what?  I don’t remember them, at all.  I remember knowing that I was marrying the man of my dreams, the man that I was destined to be with.  The man who could see through the veil that I liked to try to cover the real me with, and LOVED what he saw.  It was never a problem for you to break down the barriers I had built around me.  They were there to protect me, and in a few times already in our young love they almost forced out the man who would allow me to be me.  Thank you for never letting that happen, thank you for keeping up the fight to keep those walls torn apart.

On that day, walking down the aisle, I imagine that neither of us had any clue what lie ahead.  The troubles, the road blocks and near misses, the almost disasters.  How could we?  We had the world at our fingertips, love in our hearts, a little money in the bank and our whole lives ahead of us!  We were so young!  Those first few years were absolutely amazing, when we got to see each other that is.  But the crazy schedules were OK, we were used to it, and we always took time for ourselves.  The little things that you always did meant so much to me.  Like after opening your much loved Diet Pepsi that you’d been hoping for, and giving me the first sip.  Or dealing with no meat eating at home because I was still a vegetarian (what was I thinking?).  I remember you getting me the puppy I wanted so bad, and finding the two of you passed out together on the couch the day you brought her home.  You spent so much time with your sister in those early years because we were friends, and I imagine that it wasn’t always easy, but you did it with a smile.  You dealt with me helping out my brother financially with hardly a word, because you knew how much I craved the sibling relationships that you had, but never got myself.  I always loved the way that you would jump right out of bed in those first few years.  Man did I ruin that – stupid snooze, I apologize. 

We had so much fun!  We worked, went to school and at times drank too much.  We found our love of boating, and made a million good time friends at a sailing club.  We stayed up late and slept in, then spent the day doing laundry and homework.  We stressed that school would never end, but then one day it did.

I never dreamed that the day we decided to start a family would end up causing so much pain and suffering for us years later.  I am so sorry for those difficult times that we were very unprepared for.  But here I won’t dwell on the bad, only the good.  I am not sorry that we now have a beautiful, independent, stubborn, smirk like her daddy little girl.  She is the light of our lives, and the way you treat her like a princess will prepare her for years of good relationship choices.  It will hopefully end in her marrying someone with similarities to her daddy, because he is such a good man.

Today, as I sit here and reminisce on these times I see just how far we have come.  We made it through the good times and the bad, the difficult and easy.  We’ve spent money where we shouldn’t, and some where we should.  We’ve eaten out too much and stayed in too much.  We’ve enjoyed the miracles of lightening bugs in our own backyard.  We’ve camped close to home, and flown over to Europe.  These memories are amazing, they make me the person I am, and the couple we are.  They are the world to me, and I am so grateful to have them, to have made them with you.

Happy Anniversary Baby.  10 years is amazing, I look forward to the next 10 and beyond!!

(This was to be posted on Friday, June 22.  I forgot to auto set it to post before we left on vacation, so happy anniversary to K, 2 days late.  I'll post about vacation later!)

she came

As i expected, AF reared her ugly head yesterday. Ah well, that is how it goes. It is how it goes, i expected it.

On an up note, my staff took me out for dinner and a couple drinks last night and i had a blast. It was so good to get out, and they gave me a replica of the LOVE sign that is in front of the indianapolis museum of art. Thay said it was for my new desk, as a reminder of all the love that will remain back in Indiana.

It feels amazing. As a manager you hope that you are doing right by your staff, but sometimes it is hard to tell. Their actions and words over the last weeks have told me that i am doing something right. It makes me feel so good, and proud. I never want to turn into a manager that doesnt focus on her staff, they are my number one priority, i am only as good as they are.

I am amazed by the outpouring of love from them. I will truely miss my staff here, the staff that helped make me the manager i want to be.

The year we met

So, today on my way into work I was really missing K.  A song came on the radio that was very nostalgic for me, although I'm not really sure why.  It's not a song that sticks in my head as being attached to any specific instance in our time together.  It got me to thinking, and I decided that (possibly with a few 'interruptions') I wanted to spend my next 12 posts telling a story from each year K and I have been together.  I think it will be difficult to pick just 1, and some of them will need at least a little background, so bear with me if I get sidetracked!

So, year 1, the year 2000, the year we met.

I could go obvious and go with the story of how we met, but I'm not going to.

I was 19 when we met.  I turned 20 when I was still trying to fight off his advances and charming, boyish good looks.  I think I was afraid of how deeply I felt for him so quickly, and with my childhood weighing me down, I fought him every step of the way.  When we met I had already been out on my own for almost 2 years.  During that 2 years I had spent some time living with a guy that had bled me dry.

So, A few months after K and I met I had ended up moving back in with my parents to get myself back on my feet.  By this time K and I were dating, but our schedules were all over the board.  He worked nights, went to school during the day and slept in the evenings.  I worked days, went to school in the evening, and slept at night.  Yeah, it was crazy.

So, the story.  It was about a month after I moved back in with my parents, and K was coming over every opportunity he had.  It was summertime, so we were both in school but taking less classes. 

Quick side note - it will help the story, I promise.  I am the baby of the family, and the only girl.

OK, back on track.  So, we were at my parents one night and having dinner with them.  It was a pretty quiet night, uneventful.  K and I were flirting under the table, hoping no one would notice.  Playing footsie and all that :-)  After dinner my Dad grabbed K and pressed something into his hand.  'I wanted to give this to you so that you could let yourself in the house.'  That was all he said, and then walked away.  K opened his hand and we both looked down to find a house key. 

Yep, my dad gave his only daughters boyfriend a house key.  Mind you, we'd only been dating a little while.  Wow.

Years later my mom admitted that she didn't even know dad was planning on doing this, but she also admitted to being OK with it.

Fast forward to school starting again.  K had transferred to one of the local Universities and had chosen to live on campus (these decisions made before we met and started dating).  This school was well known for its parties and promiscuity.  I cried so hard when I dropped him off and helped him move in his stuff.  I was so young and naive, and had finally given my heart to this man, and here I was, scared to death that he would get involved in all this and toss me to the curb.

4 months later he got out of his 'contract' to live on campus and we moved in together.

The year we got married, he admitted that that first summer, I was only supposed to be a 'summer fling' while he prepared to go to the University.  Ha.  I showed him!!!

Smiles

So, as I feel like I've had a few whining posts lately, I am going to leave you today with some things that make me smile.

Bugs hugs. She loves giving them and I love getting them. She will reach around you and pull you in close. It is so sweet.

K. His love for me surpasses anything I have ever felt before. He makes me whole. Without him I would be in a bad way.

My mom. She is my rock. I love that I can call her when I am having a tough day and she can help me feel better.

Camping. I am so excited for some long weekends this summer!

My dog, B. She drives me crazy, and is tough to care for when K isn't here. But she was our first baby and is so darn sweet.

My best friend C. She keeps me grounded. She can tell me when I am being a bitch and it's ok. We've been friends for 19 or so years. she is amazing. We have our own lives but can always pick right back up, even from 4 hours away.

My job and my employees. Seems strange, but it is a lot of fun along with the stress. I work in a small satellite office, and we all get along. No drama. It's awesome.

Hot baths. Need I say more.

Massages. It's about time for me to use my gift card for one.

A nice glass of red wine (a medoc tonight) and a little good dark chocolate.

Infertility treatments. Without them we wouldn't have the possibility to give K a biological child.

Love. Support. Understanding. From my friends and family. Thank you all!

Emms