14 weeks

So, I'm 14 weeks pregnant.  I can't believe it.  I have my next OB appointment Tuesday, and I am so happy about that.  I can't wait to hear this little one's heartbeat again, it makes me relax, even if only for a week.  I love it.

I'm still dealing with some minor morning sickness, and lots of heartburn.  Headaches are still here, and the exhaustion is still crazy.

I am officially starting into the second trimester.  I can't believe that we're already 1/3 of the way through this pregnancy!  I'm really enjoying it, but it is SO MUCH harder with a two year old toddler in tow, and a husband who, unfortunately, isn't home all that often.  (have to love being a flight instructor).

I have, honestly, questioned what in the world we were thinking, adding another baby to this chaos.  The terrible two's with Bug are not helping that question.  I worry that I won't be able to handle it all when K isn't home.  It's scary, but still exciting.  I still can't wait to meet this little one, to hold him or her to my breast.

We won't find out what we're having again.  The surprise was too perfect last time.  But let me state it for the record, that I think it's going to be a boy.

So for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture that I took at 13 weeks 6 days:



Yep, that's a baby in there.  And for comparison sake, here's the bump from when I was pregnant with Bug, at 19 weeks 4 days:



Yeah.  I can't imagine how much bigger I'll be this time around at full term.  See how I'm carrying this one lower??  Or is that just me? Yikes!!!

I'm still pregnant!

Wow, I really didn't mean to make you all wait for so long before getting an update!!  The last two weeks have been a crazy whirlwind, full of good things!

Last Thursday I got my second beta draw.  My numbers were 5,105, which is a great number!  So we scheduled our first ultrasound, and that just happened to be today.  They found my ovaries are still huge, but I don't look nearly as pregnant and I'm not nearly as uncomfortable.  But the most important thing is that they saw one gestational sac, with the yolk and everything.  Then the best part, they found our new little ones heartbeat.  I cried to the point where the ultrasound tech told me she knew I was excited but I had to try to hold still so she could get her measurements!  There really is a baby in there.  I really am pregnant again.  I know I keep saying this, but I think it's finally hitting home!

One of the reasons it still feels unreal is because I'm not feeling a lot of symptoms.  I'm definitely more tired, and my nipples are a LITTLE more tender, I've had a couple small random bouts of nausea, but not really a whole lot more than that.  I'm 6 weeks 3 days pregnant.  With Bug at this point in my pregnancy my boobs hurt SO bad (and had for weeks), I'd been struggling with insane heartburn, the morning sickness had started when I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, I'd been having headaches already, and I couldn't stand the smell of coffee. These are just the ones I can remember right now, but I'm not really having any of that.  It's so strange how different pregnancy can be.  I know any/all of it can still hit, and while I won't wish it on, I'll be OK with it.

The OHSS is mostly gone, as I mentioned above I'm still just slightly uncomfortable.  I've lost all but 1 pound of the water weight I gained, and I don't expect to lose that last pound nor do I expect the little bit of a tummy I now have to go away.  I suspect those will be around now until after baby!!

I feel this overwhelming sense of love in the air around me.  Life is good, it really is.  I had a good cry, it was interesting.  It was happy tears, we have a pregnancy, we have a heartbeat.  I think the tears were in part for all that has happened over the last 6 years, since the day we began trying, through failed IVF's, through our separation, the first pregnancy and the thought that K may never be biologically related to our kid(s).  It was a tough choice to try IVF one more time, and it was well worth it.  Well worth the cost, the stress, the injections, everything.  We made the impossible happen.

Life is good.

Excited. Amazed. Love.

So.  I don't even really know where to begin this post to be honest.  I think I've mentioned before that I'm having some symptoms.  It started last Sunday with the insane craving for Clausen pickles.  yes, it had to be Clausens.  I've eaten almost 3 jars in a week.

Then Monday I started feeling some twinges.  Those came and went for the next few days.  I got bloated, then it got better (although the pregnant looking tummy stayed) and now I'm bloated again (I mean, it feels like my stomach wants to explode out my sides).  I've started struggling with some heartburn.  I'm finding myself very tired, but at times I cannot sleep.  I've started waking up 2 or 3 times a night to pee.

Can anyone see where I'm going?

So on Friday, I peed on an OPK.  I've heard that they can work as a pregnancy test.  But see, the thing is I promised K that I wouldn't POAS without his agreement to do so.  So I figured that since it wasn't really a pregnancy test it didn't count, right?  Well, these OPK's were expired.  Like WAY expired.  Like 2009 expired.  I found them when we moved, they were from back when we were trying to conceive our first, before we knew the score, before we knew we needed IVF with ICSI.  And 2 beautiful lines showed up.  Whoa.  But hey, it's SO expired, and they came up kinda fast, so I'm totally not buying it.

Yesterday we were at Target and I got a wave of nausea.  Like I thought I was gonna toss my cookies.  It hung around for a few minutes and went away.  Of course I told K about it.  I asked him about testing, he didn't want to.  He said it was like a kid on Christmas morning, but Christmas isn't until Friday (day of my beta blood test).  I told him that Christmas was really this weekend.  He didn't agree.

We went out last night with S, you may remember her as she is one of the other mommas that I donated my frozen breast milk to.  Her daughter is now 17 months, and she and her husband were in town (without their 4 kids) for a conference.  So Nana babysat and we went out.  Late.  We didn't get home until after 1:00.  I was the DD and the other 3 had some drinks.  It was a lot of fun!

Bug woke me up a little earlier than normal today.  I let K sleep as he had a bit to drink and had to work today.  I lay in bed listening to Bug chattering in her crib for about 20 minutes.

Then I couldn't take it anymore, because I KNEW.  Just like I knew our first IVF failed.  I KNEW.  So I did it.  I took a test.  I'm 10dp3dt (10 days past 3 day transfer).  On the early side but not too early.  I tried hard not to stare at the stick.  But there it showed up.  A bit light still, but it's there. The picture below is hard to see it in.  But it's there.  Positive.  POSITIVE!  I'm pregnant!!

I climbed on the bed and whispered in K's ear that he could be mad at me if he wanted.  He was all like 'what?' in his sleep.  So I told him he was gonna be a daddy again, that I'm pregnant, and I proceeded to cry.  He smiled so big.

OMG, I'm pregnant.  I can't seem to stop saying it over and over.  To think it over and over.  To just touch my tummy and know what is going on.  I can't quite wrap my brain around it yet.  I'm amazed, happier than words can say.  I keep thanking God.  The fear creeps in just a little that it won't last, but really, very little can stop the way I am feeling right now.

Thank you all for your support!  It's been amazing.  I can't wait to keep you all up on the continuing saga!

Don't Ignore

So, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  The campaign asks bloggers to start a blog with the words Don't Ignore.  So, here goes.

Don't ignore your Heart.  So many of us that deal with Infertility learn to put our feelings in a place where they are unreachable.   It's a protection really, and I'm well known to do it myself.  But we must remember not to ignore our heart, ignore those feelings when they need to creep up.  We need to allow ourselves to feel, to really feel, what infertility is doing to us, what it is taking away.  That raw open wound that is easier to hide away, but facing it allows you to grow from the experience and move on as necessary.  It allows you to say Goodbye to those little souls you've lost, to those babies that could have been.  It allows you to keep moving forward, pushing towards your goal.

Don't ignore Hope.  This is a tough one.  Without hope we can't make it through.  With hope we are torn down  time and time again.  Without it we think we can move through the motions of making a baby with nothing attached to it.  With it we allow ourselves to put everything we have into doing what must be done, into doing all the things that may just work for us even if they haven't worked for someone else.  (or maybe they have, and that's why we're trying it).

I wish I could write as eloquently as so many of the bloggers that I follow.  When I think of these posts, it seems like I can get my thoughts all straightened out, but when I put it 'on paper' it never comes out just right.  I don't know if I really get my point across sometimes.  This is no different, but what I'm trying to say is that without heart, and without hope, the attempts are so much more difficult.  Yes, easier in some ways because you can distance yourself.  But in the long run that is so bad.  After months or years it wears you down and will eventually break you.  If you remember to let your feelings have their time and place, if you remember to keep hoping when it seems impossible, then you will be able to make the right treatment decisions for your given situation, and then you will be able to live with those decisions and the possible outcomes.

Please remember those in your lives that do not have children.  If they've never told you it's because they don't want children, then that may not be the case.  They may have spent much time struggling to reach that dream that for some is so difficult to reach.  They may still be trying, they may be mid treatment cycle, they may have just failed another, or maybe even just found out the last one worked but they're not ready to tell yet.  They may have recently suffered a miscarriage, or another miscarriage.  They may have finally chosen to live child free.  They may be struggling on the path to adoption, waiting for the call to come.  One never knows the struggles that someone is going through, and this is one of the most difficult there is.  It's life changing in so many ways.  It makes relationships stronger and breaks them up.  It wipes out savings accounts, racks up debt, keeps someone from buying a house, going back to school, taking a dream vacation, or quitting the job they hate; maybe even to be a stay at home parent to their first miracle.

Don't ignore the human side of infertility.  It's not all about stats, it's all about people and their dreams.

3 shots in

and boy do I feel like I've been hit by a truck.  It doesn't help that not only am I feeling the side effects of the Lupron and Follistim (weepiness, headache, exhaustion) but I apparently came down with the Flu on Friday night/Saturday morning.  I mean, hardcore fever and serious body aches, on top of the headache that I already had.  Stuffiness and sore throat decided to throw themselves into the mix, I mean why not?  With so many other issues they wanted to join the party.

By Saturday night I was running over 104 degree fever and K though he'd have to take me to the ER.  I took a nice cool bath and it brought it down a couple of degrees.  I talked to the RE about it, they were not worried.

The follistim hasn't been too bad.  Although yesterday really brought on the weepiness full force.  I mean seriously, we're watching the news tonight and the story was about a woman who was pretending to be a Vet working at an animal hospital to pay for her drug problem.  She was caught, and as they are going over the story, I'm crying.  K looked at me like I was insane.

Um, yeah.  I love me some good reasons to cry.  Crazy fake addict vet ladies top that list man, doesn't everyone cry at stories like that?

This morning I had my u/s and b/w.  All looked good, although I don't know what my estrogen level was - I felt too crappy when they called me.  Either way, I am to remain on 5 units of Lupron and 125 units of Follistim.  Next u/s and b/w is on Thursday.  Keeping my fingers crossed that I feel better tomorrow, and that the next appointment goes well!!

The next step: Stims

So had my baseline ultrasound on Tuesday morning.  All looked good and quiet, just like they like.  Nice thin lining (since I had just had AF), a bunch of little follies (follicles) on each side, no cysts or anything.  They drew my blood, and I sat down with the nurse.  She wasn't sure if I'd start then or wait, so she'd have to call me back to verify.  She did say that I would start out on 125 IU of Follistim.  Oh yeah, and I left and forgot to pay.  Oops.

So, she called back and said they wanted me to wait to start stims until Friday.  Tonight.  I was a little bummed, but it was OK.  I'm doing really good so far with just going with the flow this cycle.  I am a little nervous to start the stims tonight though.  I know it'll be OK, but it's just a little nerve wracking.  So I have 13 minutes until shot time.

Next ultrasound and bloodwork are Monday morning at 7am.  I'll let you all know how it goes!!

What's next?

Well, AF was supposed to show sometime mid week and she didn't.  I started spotting, but that was it.  So I called the RE's office and we had to reschedule my baseline for Tuesday.  It really works out OK, because they don't have the results of my cystic fibrosis test back yet, and won't until Monday.  They want to have that back before we move forward.

So I did finally start in the wee hours of the morning Saturday morning.  So, I'm ready.  I'm ready to get this show on the road!!  The nurse said she's going to try to convince the RE to let me start the Follistim the night of the ultrasound instead of waiting until Friday.  I hope she can.

So Tuesday.  Have my meet and greet with the wand, hopefully start stims, and make a nice big payment of $9,800.  Yep.  Sounds like Fun.

On another note, K and I got away for the weekend.  Nana watched bug and we headed to Indianapolis.  It was a really nice getaway and we got our taxes done.  Friday night we went out and had a real nice dinner at a habichi grill, then grabbed a beer within walking distance of our hotel.  We've been doing the Lupron shot at 9:00, so we were sitting outside with our beers and I gave myself the shot, just sitting at our table.  No one seemed to notice!  It was an awesome weekend.  I couldn't have asked for a better time.  It was refreshing to say the least, although I didn't get the good sleep I was hoping for.  Both K and I are sick and coughing like mad men.  So my first few hours of sleep each night was in the crappy lazy boy so that I could be partially sitting up.  Fun times.

So, the Lupron has not been enjoyable.  I've now got the Lupron headaches, which suck.  My past experiences tell me that they will go away once we start the stims, so hopefully in the next few days!

Here goes nothing!

I know I've been a bit of a slacker... it's been hard to blog because I used to do it at work (I know, bad Emms).  But they locked down our filters tighter and I can no longer post from work.  So I have to try to squeeze it in between when Bug goes to bed and when we do, but of course there's other things to be done during that time.

It's been a month since we weaned.  We are doing good, and this week bug slept through the night. Every. Single. Night.  I'm amazed, speechless, and for the first time since early in pregnancy, somewhat well rested!

Last week I had my HSG.  All was clear and beautiful.  Wasn't too painful at all.

This Tuesday K and I had our first counseling appointment.  We agreed to do it while going through fertility treatments, and I'm glad.  It went well, and I think it will help keep the lines of communication open during this trying time.

Today I had my yearly with a new ob/gyn since moving.  I liked her, although not quite as much as the one that took care of me while pregnant.  I think it's for that reason- she cared for me during pregnancy, which was such an extra special time!

Then I came home to receive the shipment of our meds.  Lupron, Follistim, Estrogen patches, doxycycline, Medrol, Novaril, tylenol with Codeine and masses of syringes.  It's real now.  Monday morning at 7:00am I go in for blood work to verify that I ovulated.  I'm POSITIVE that I did.  I don't normally feel ovulation, but after dealing with primary infertility, I know the signs.  I have heard that after an HSG a woman is very fertile, and I see why.  This month my signs were multiplied (egg white CM en masse) and I actually felt myself ovulating.

So, when Monday's bloodwork shows that I ovulated, they will call me.  I will then begin the injections.  Lupron starts Monday and will be it until I get my next AF, which should be at the end of the month.  Then a baseline ultrasound to make sure that all looks good in there.

I'm excited to get this show on the road.  I look forward to trying to make another baby, one with K's features as well as my own.

I'm nervous.  It's a lot of emotions and finances in this.

I'm scared to death.  What if it doesn't work?  We've failed before.  We've agreed one try at IVF, what if we don't get any totsicles and the one try fails?  I want this so bad I can taste it.  But I'm breathing deep and trying to stay grounded.  I will do my best to take any blows that come our way in stride, to not let my jacked up hormonal emotions go off the deep end.

I will remain positive.

This will work.

my heart is heavy

Last night was the first night I didn't nurse bug before bed. K and i agreed to try every other night for a bit to see how it went. She woke up shortly after 2 and hardly slept after. Stupid me tried to go in and comfort her which I think made things worse. After 45 mins or so k relieved me, and never made it back to bed. It was just when I was about to give in and nurse her.
We have tried so many lovies, but she never takes to them. She never took a paci. I have always been her sole source of comfort. Lately when she gets stressed she has started frantically pulling at my shirt. Going from the bottom and pulling up, from the top and tugging down. Pulling in general. When I hold her she puts a hand down my shirt and holds on my boob, plays with my nipple.

Tonight I nursed her. I held her so close and watched her. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of this beautiful relationship wash over me. I tried to memorize the slight pull of the nipple, the tender brush of her fingers on my chest. The contented sighs she makes without realizing it.

Right now, at this moment, I am wishing stronger than ever before that we weren't infertile. I do not yet feel ready to end this. I'm not sure she is ready either. But when will we be? How can I put off trying for another when I know it could be years before she is ready? We are not willing to wait that long. If we do I think we wouldn't try again. It would be too hard, not that its easy know.

Maybe I'm extra weepy because AF is on her way (or is she? Where the hell is she? If Dr McFunny hadn't done a transvag ultrasound and looked at my lining I'd be wondering.....).

I'm not loving all of lifes little what ifs. What if I do wean and we can't get pregnant? What if we don't wean now, will we ever have another? What if I just wait a little longer? What if what if what if.

Thank you Ordinary Girl for the sweet words, it is so nice knowing that someone knows how I feel in this situation.

Thank you to all everyone else that gave me love on my last post, it means so much to me!

On another heavy note. My heart hurts for a friend who can't seem to nurse. She is the last of the pregnant woman in my life for the moment, and she had her little boy on Feb 1st. She has been trying to nurse him, but her milk has never come in. Apparently it didn't with her first either, but she quit early on due to cracked and bleeding nipples. She's trying so hard. We went over for a few hours tonight and had dinner, and she nursed him twice while we were there. She's trying fenugreek, lots of pumping, lots of nursing etc etc. She told me tonight that she keeps thinking about giving up, throwing in the towel. But then she thinks, what if I go just a couple more days and it comes in? Her life is full of what ifs right now too. She wants this, but her body isn't doing what its supposed to. We all have our issues I guess, she is super fertile woman, but can't make milk to take care of her little ones.

And it begins....

So we met with RE#4 on Thursday.  SO much better than Dr Duh.  We'll call him, well, Dr McFunny.  He had a great sense of humor (towards the end of our conversation K was just straightforward and asked him 'this isn't your first rodeo, right? and Dr McFunny looked at him all innocently and said 'yep, it is.  I think I'm doing a good job so far, don't you?  ha ha ha).  The sense of humor I think helped win K over as that is the kind of person he is.  By the end of our 50 mins or so with him, K and I agreed that he was our guy.  So that day, we got an ultrasound just to see how everything looked, a mock transfer to make sure that the cath still went in smooth, blood work for both K and I, urinalysis for both K and I, and an SA for K.  The meds were ordered either Friday or will be on Monday.  They sent us home with the 'pen' that we'll use for part of the injections.

We're really doing this. HSG.  Then it's just a matter of finishing weaning Bug.  K and I agreed to come up with a plan this weekend to do so.  As long as we do, then on day 21 they'll check my progesterone, and as long as I ovulated I'll start the Lupron that night.

For those of you followers that are not IF, Lupron is the suppression part of IVF.  It basically puts my body into pre-menopause.  It keeps me from ovulating.  Then once I have a period I'll have a baseline ultrasound, and we'll get started with the stims (that feed the eggs).

We are both excited and nervous all in the same.  We talked last night and still agree just one go round of IVF, and then FET with any frozen embryo's that we may have.  We agreed to consider one round to include retrieval and transfer, so cancelled cycles don't count.

The meds protocol is different than what I've done in the past, so I'm curious about that.  Lupron is the same (hated it, I can tell how much fun I'll have with menopause), but the food is different.  Sounds way better.  But last time I did progesterone suppositories during the TWW (two week wait between transfer and beta, or blood test).  This time I'll do PIO, which is progesterone in oil, and I've heard it sucks.

Here goes nothing.  It's in God's hands, and Dr McFunny's hands on if we get pregnant with a baby that is biologically K's.  The stress level is different as we haven't been 'trying' even though we haven't been preventing.  It's not our first rodeo, so we knew going into it what we needed to do, and that saved us time, stress, and money.

Now, to stress about cleaning out savings while K still doesn't have a job.  But now is the time to do it.  We can be broke for the next few years if it means giving Bug a sibling, at least giving it a try.