Last night was the first night I didn't nurse bug before bed. K and i agreed to try every other night for a bit to see how it went. She woke up shortly after 2 and hardly slept after. Stupid me tried to go in and comfort her which I think made things worse. After 45 mins or so k relieved me, and never made it back to bed. It was just when I was about to give in and nurse her.
We have tried so many lovies, but she never takes to them. She never took a paci. I have always been her sole source of comfort. Lately when she gets stressed she has started frantically pulling at my shirt. Going from the bottom and pulling up, from the top and tugging down. Pulling in general. When I hold her she puts a hand down my shirt and holds on my boob, plays with my nipple.
Tonight I nursed her. I held her so close and watched her. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of this beautiful relationship wash over me. I tried to memorize the slight pull of the nipple, the tender brush of her fingers on my chest. The contented sighs she makes without realizing it.
Right now, at this moment, I am wishing stronger than ever before that we weren't infertile. I do not yet feel ready to end this. I'm not sure she is ready either. But when will we be? How can I put off trying for another when I know it could be years before she is ready? We are not willing to wait that long. If we do I think we wouldn't try again. It would be too hard, not that its easy know.
Maybe I'm extra weepy because AF is on her way (or is she? Where the hell is she? If Dr McFunny hadn't done a transvag ultrasound and looked at my lining I'd be wondering.....).
I'm not loving all of lifes little what ifs. What if I do wean and we can't get pregnant? What if we don't wean now, will we ever have another? What if I just wait a little longer? What if what if what if.
Thank you Ordinary Girl for the sweet words, it is so nice knowing that someone knows how I feel in this situation.
Thank you to all everyone else that gave me love on my last post, it means so much to me!
On another heavy note. My heart hurts for a friend who can't seem to nurse. She is the last of the pregnant woman in my life for the moment, and she had her little boy on Feb 1st. She has been trying to nurse him, but her milk has never come in. Apparently it didn't with her first either, but she quit early on due to cracked and bleeding nipples. She's trying so hard. We went over for a few hours tonight and had dinner, and she nursed him twice while we were there. She's trying fenugreek, lots of pumping, lots of nursing etc etc. She told me tonight that she keeps thinking about giving up, throwing in the towel. But then she thinks, what if I go just a couple more days and it comes in? Her life is full of what ifs right now too. She wants this, but her body isn't doing what its supposed to. We all have our issues I guess, she is super fertile woman, but can't make milk to take care of her little ones.
Showing posts with label male factor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label male factor. Show all posts
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Infertility, the IVF Final Chapter
I've been trying to figure out when to put this one out, and I know when I do I will forget a lot. Because I don't want to read it over after I have written it. I just want to get it out there. Really, when to put the words in writing that will be very difficult for me. The hardest chapter, one that had lasting consequences. Tough, life altering consequences. After this post I will update on the after effects of what happened, and how it all got fixed.
So, here goes.
It all starts in May, 2008. I talk to my RE's office on May 19. They tell me we're changing the meds protocol, again. The fact that I responded to the antagonist protocol the way I did made them want to go back to a Lupron cycle. So they tell me that we'll extend the amount of time on BCP's, then up the dose of Lupron (suppression) and keep a low dose of repronex (stims). Then, they will start in with ultrasounds and blood work on day 3 instead of day 5, and keep a close eye on me. Apparently my case had become quite the talk of the office.
So now, I just have to wait for AF to rear her ugly head. We feel hopeful, but scared. After what we'd been through we wanted to remain cautious, but optimistic. So AF comes on June 5.
Let's get this party started. I start taking the BCP's.
June 13 I start my Lupron. As before, the side effects are horrendous. But I'm getting better (slightly) at dealing with them.
Baseline u/s looks good (did I mention that all of these u/s are trans vaginal? I've never let so many people look at my vagina as I did during this time. Hello to the world she seemed to be saying).
June 27 I start stimming. I get more and more hopeful. This is it, I think to myself. It has to work this time! The odds are in our favor!
June 30 I have blood work. My estrogen levels look good! Wow, I breath a little sigh of relief.
July 2 I have more b/w and another u/s. We are looking at somewhere around 30+ follies, and my estrogen levels still look great. Oh man, oh man, we're looking better than ever before!!
July 5 my b/w and u/s look great. They are talking about Egg Retrieval (ER) and Embryo Transfer (ET). Oh my, we've never really talked about those before. Could this really be it?! They mention maybe triggering on the 8th.
K and I can't help but to be excited, happy, and nervous. We have no idea what to expect at this point. No clue, but we just KNOW it will work, as do friends on my online community. After all we've been through, this is our cycle, we just know it. Our hopes are so high, we forget to keep them in check so that they can't come crashing down. Every infertile does it. They let themselves get so caught up in believing that this cycle will be it. HOPE. We cannot help but to hope. It's a necessity to have during this struggle, but it is also what breaks us down. With it we're broken, but without it we are nothing.
July 7 we have our last u/s and b/w. My estrogen is at 3100 which is a good number. I have 10 great looking follies. They tell me that they'll call me later with date and time for trigger, but it'll probably be July 8.
Somewhere in all of this we did a mock transfer with the doc. It went smooth. He feels that my uterus is beautiful and perfect. Never thought I'd be so glad to hear that!
Wait, did you just say Trigger? We've not gotten to do this yet! Panic mode! We don't know how! It's more meds, and it has to be in the hip area, right?! Isn't that what we remember from our IVF training? Oh man oh man oh man. Deep breathing. Slow down.
The call comes. Trigger tonight (July 7) at 11:30pm. Come in for the ER at 10:00 am on 7/9. But that morning, you have to POAS and make sure it comes back positive. Ohhhhhh my, it's happening. It's really really happening.
K and I are in tears we are so happy. That night he has to wake me up and give me the shot. Painful? A little, but almost a relief. We stop everything else. Now we let my body do it's thing and hopefully they'll get out a lot of little eggies!
Making it through July 8 was just about impossible. I couldn't concentrate at work. All I could do was picture what my body was doing, and what my little eggies would do in their petri dish.
July 9 is a crazy day. I get to the docs office and they take us back to a room. They give me an IV, which the nurse manages to screw up and blood is shooting all over the wall and the floor. I won't watch. They give me two drugs, one is waking anesthesia and the other is a relaxer. It works pretty quick and I'm feeling laid back. About this time K has to leave the room. They lay me back and get the ultrasound going. They take a very long, ugly looking needle and go in through my vagina, and through my uterine wall. I know it would hurt if I could feel anything. I pass out for a little bit (from the meds) and wake up to watch them on the u/s. I can see them going into each follie and pulling out my eggs. My future babies.
Poor K has to give two samples because they get so little usable sperm from the first. We try not to let this stress us out. I relax the rest of the day and wait for the next days update call.
14 eggs were removed. 11 were fertilized. 1 fertilized abnormally. That left 10. 'That's a great number' we keep thinking. Every day we get a status report, and while some are slow growing, we have 2 that look like prime candidates for transfer, and another 2-3 that look good for freezing. Our hopes grow. This is really happening! We're going to be pregnant!!
We go in for the transfer. I have to have a full bladder. It's so full that it's painful. Kev gets to stay in the room with me this time. They turn on the u/s machine and take a catheter tube with our two best embies and transfer them back into my body. I lay back for about 20 minutes, until I think my bladder may explode. They give us a couple of ultrasound pictures of those little embies doing their thing, and we pray, harder than we've ever prayed, that they will implant. At least one. For the next two weeks I have to use progesterone vaginal suppositories. They are unpleasant, but I don't care. If it means I get pregnant, I'll do anything.
We forget the u/s pictures at the office. I cry.
I take 4 days off to remain on bed rest. I barely move, except to go to the bathroom and get food when Kev isn't there. I play on the computer, I watch TV and movies. I relax. I have some strange cramping, but the doc says that is normal. On the second day the office calls and tells me that 3 embies will make it to freeze. They say they will call back once they are frozen. This is not the normal person that called with all of my lab updates, so when I don't here back 2 days later, I call them. Oh no, they tell me, none of your embies made it to freeze, we're so sorry, the tech must have gotten two cases mixed up.
This is when everything begins to unravel for me. I'm heartbroken. They said those embies looked so good. I let myself go down the path of ' if they didn't make it, did the two they transplanted make it?' It was tough.
I try not to think about it. I try to live as normal a life as possible in the remainder of the TWW (two week wait). I drive myself crazy with every little sign that could mean AF or pregnancy. Why does mother nature treat us cruelly by making the symptoms all the same?
Then I spot. I feel broken. I call the office. 'Don't worry' they tell me, 'that happens sometimes, could be implantation bleeding' But I worry. How can I not? After all we've been through, all the emotional and financial strain. What if this doesn't work?
July 25, 2008 comes. This is my beta (blood test) to see if it worked. I'm nervous. I go get my blood taken in the morning. I tell K when they call me with the results I'll conference him in. The next hours drag by slower than anything I've ever been through.
The phone rings. And I know. I know the answer.
I answer the phone and quickly put the nurse on hold and call K.
'I'm sorry' she says to us. 'You are not pregnant.'
July 25, 2008, the day my world fell apart. The day that the shell of a person I had become broke down into dust. The day I didn't even know if I could continue to live my life, knowing that my embies, my perfect LIVING little babies, died.
Two years, to the day, before I became whole again with the birth of my beautiful daughter.
I sit in my office and sob. I can't even talk to K I'm crying so hard. 'Come home' he tells me. I can tell he is heartbroken too. Once I calm down enough I walk into my bosses office and simply say 'I need to leave.' She takes one look at me and says Go. I know I look like death warmed over.
I beat K home. I can't go in the house. The empty, silent house. That should have been filled with baby cries in 38 more weeks. We go shopping instead. We go out to dinner that night. We are broken and I don't feel well, but I can't go home.
That weekend we get a hotel room. We try to relax some. But AF comes. Harder than she ever has before, as I basically miscarry my two little babies. I practically sit on the toilet for hours because it is so heavy, and the clots are huge, and I hurt so bad. Physically and emotionally. I cry. I cry for myself, I cry for Kev, I cry for my babies. I cry for the future that looks so bleak, and the possibilities that are no more. I cry because we have come so far, only to fail again.
Looking back now, this is probably when I began the blame game. The game I swore I would never let myself play. Blaming K for us going through IF. The 'it's his fault but I have to deal with all the meds, side effects and procedures.' Blaming myself for my embies not sticking. The 'my body rejected my beautiful little babies for no good reason.' Blaming everyone around me because they had never dealt with anything like infertility, and they didn't know how to comfort me. I refused to go back to counseling.
I spiral out of control. I start drinking too much. I start fighting with K. I tell him that when I look at him I see what he cannot give me, what we should be able to do naturally, and I can't stand it. I am a cruel cruel image of my former self. I hate the person I have become but I cannot stop it. I say things that I can never take back, and to this day I am so sorry for that. I wish I hadn't let that happen to me. I wish that I could have held myself together. I wish I could have realized what was happening and have gotten help for it. I'm not proud of the person I was during this time frame. In fact, this is the closest that I'll ever be able to honestly say I disliked myself. I did. But, it is another aspect of my life that made me the person I am today. I am so lucky that even after all that I put K through, that he was able to continue loving me. He is a strong strong man, and one that I will never, ever treat this way again. I can only thank God for him.
This is where I let Infertility ruin me. This is where I let Infertility win.
So, here goes.
It all starts in May, 2008. I talk to my RE's office on May 19. They tell me we're changing the meds protocol, again. The fact that I responded to the antagonist protocol the way I did made them want to go back to a Lupron cycle. So they tell me that we'll extend the amount of time on BCP's, then up the dose of Lupron (suppression) and keep a low dose of repronex (stims). Then, they will start in with ultrasounds and blood work on day 3 instead of day 5, and keep a close eye on me. Apparently my case had become quite the talk of the office.
So now, I just have to wait for AF to rear her ugly head. We feel hopeful, but scared. After what we'd been through we wanted to remain cautious, but optimistic. So AF comes on June 5.
Let's get this party started. I start taking the BCP's.
June 13 I start my Lupron. As before, the side effects are horrendous. But I'm getting better (slightly) at dealing with them.
Baseline u/s looks good (did I mention that all of these u/s are trans vaginal? I've never let so many people look at my vagina as I did during this time. Hello to the world she seemed to be saying).
June 27 I start stimming. I get more and more hopeful. This is it, I think to myself. It has to work this time! The odds are in our favor!
June 30 I have blood work. My estrogen levels look good! Wow, I breath a little sigh of relief.
July 2 I have more b/w and another u/s. We are looking at somewhere around 30+ follies, and my estrogen levels still look great. Oh man, oh man, we're looking better than ever before!!
July 5 my b/w and u/s look great. They are talking about Egg Retrieval (ER) and Embryo Transfer (ET). Oh my, we've never really talked about those before. Could this really be it?! They mention maybe triggering on the 8th.
K and I can't help but to be excited, happy, and nervous. We have no idea what to expect at this point. No clue, but we just KNOW it will work, as do friends on my online community. After all we've been through, this is our cycle, we just know it. Our hopes are so high, we forget to keep them in check so that they can't come crashing down. Every infertile does it. They let themselves get so caught up in believing that this cycle will be it. HOPE. We cannot help but to hope. It's a necessity to have during this struggle, but it is also what breaks us down. With it we're broken, but without it we are nothing.
July 7 we have our last u/s and b/w. My estrogen is at 3100 which is a good number. I have 10 great looking follies. They tell me that they'll call me later with date and time for trigger, but it'll probably be July 8.
Somewhere in all of this we did a mock transfer with the doc. It went smooth. He feels that my uterus is beautiful and perfect. Never thought I'd be so glad to hear that!
Wait, did you just say Trigger? We've not gotten to do this yet! Panic mode! We don't know how! It's more meds, and it has to be in the hip area, right?! Isn't that what we remember from our IVF training? Oh man oh man oh man. Deep breathing. Slow down.
The call comes. Trigger tonight (July 7) at 11:30pm. Come in for the ER at 10:00 am on 7/9. But that morning, you have to POAS and make sure it comes back positive. Ohhhhhh my, it's happening. It's really really happening.
K and I are in tears we are so happy. That night he has to wake me up and give me the shot. Painful? A little, but almost a relief. We stop everything else. Now we let my body do it's thing and hopefully they'll get out a lot of little eggies!
Making it through July 8 was just about impossible. I couldn't concentrate at work. All I could do was picture what my body was doing, and what my little eggies would do in their petri dish.
July 9 is a crazy day. I get to the docs office and they take us back to a room. They give me an IV, which the nurse manages to screw up and blood is shooting all over the wall and the floor. I won't watch. They give me two drugs, one is waking anesthesia and the other is a relaxer. It works pretty quick and I'm feeling laid back. About this time K has to leave the room. They lay me back and get the ultrasound going. They take a very long, ugly looking needle and go in through my vagina, and through my uterine wall. I know it would hurt if I could feel anything. I pass out for a little bit (from the meds) and wake up to watch them on the u/s. I can see them going into each follie and pulling out my eggs. My future babies.
Poor K has to give two samples because they get so little usable sperm from the first. We try not to let this stress us out. I relax the rest of the day and wait for the next days update call.
14 eggs were removed. 11 were fertilized. 1 fertilized abnormally. That left 10. 'That's a great number' we keep thinking. Every day we get a status report, and while some are slow growing, we have 2 that look like prime candidates for transfer, and another 2-3 that look good for freezing. Our hopes grow. This is really happening! We're going to be pregnant!!
We go in for the transfer. I have to have a full bladder. It's so full that it's painful. Kev gets to stay in the room with me this time. They turn on the u/s machine and take a catheter tube with our two best embies and transfer them back into my body. I lay back for about 20 minutes, until I think my bladder may explode. They give us a couple of ultrasound pictures of those little embies doing their thing, and we pray, harder than we've ever prayed, that they will implant. At least one. For the next two weeks I have to use progesterone vaginal suppositories. They are unpleasant, but I don't care. If it means I get pregnant, I'll do anything.
We forget the u/s pictures at the office. I cry.
I take 4 days off to remain on bed rest. I barely move, except to go to the bathroom and get food when Kev isn't there. I play on the computer, I watch TV and movies. I relax. I have some strange cramping, but the doc says that is normal. On the second day the office calls and tells me that 3 embies will make it to freeze. They say they will call back once they are frozen. This is not the normal person that called with all of my lab updates, so when I don't here back 2 days later, I call them. Oh no, they tell me, none of your embies made it to freeze, we're so sorry, the tech must have gotten two cases mixed up.
This is when everything begins to unravel for me. I'm heartbroken. They said those embies looked so good. I let myself go down the path of ' if they didn't make it, did the two they transplanted make it?' It was tough.
I try not to think about it. I try to live as normal a life as possible in the remainder of the TWW (two week wait). I drive myself crazy with every little sign that could mean AF or pregnancy. Why does mother nature treat us cruelly by making the symptoms all the same?
Then I spot. I feel broken. I call the office. 'Don't worry' they tell me, 'that happens sometimes, could be implantation bleeding' But I worry. How can I not? After all we've been through, all the emotional and financial strain. What if this doesn't work?
July 25, 2008 comes. This is my beta (blood test) to see if it worked. I'm nervous. I go get my blood taken in the morning. I tell K when they call me with the results I'll conference him in. The next hours drag by slower than anything I've ever been through.
The phone rings. And I know. I know the answer.
I answer the phone and quickly put the nurse on hold and call K.
'I'm sorry' she says to us. 'You are not pregnant.'
July 25, 2008, the day my world fell apart. The day that the shell of a person I had become broke down into dust. The day I didn't even know if I could continue to live my life, knowing that my embies, my perfect LIVING little babies, died.
Two years, to the day, before I became whole again with the birth of my beautiful daughter.
I sit in my office and sob. I can't even talk to K I'm crying so hard. 'Come home' he tells me. I can tell he is heartbroken too. Once I calm down enough I walk into my bosses office and simply say 'I need to leave.' She takes one look at me and says Go. I know I look like death warmed over.
I beat K home. I can't go in the house. The empty, silent house. That should have been filled with baby cries in 38 more weeks. We go shopping instead. We go out to dinner that night. We are broken and I don't feel well, but I can't go home.
That weekend we get a hotel room. We try to relax some. But AF comes. Harder than she ever has before, as I basically miscarry my two little babies. I practically sit on the toilet for hours because it is so heavy, and the clots are huge, and I hurt so bad. Physically and emotionally. I cry. I cry for myself, I cry for Kev, I cry for my babies. I cry for the future that looks so bleak, and the possibilities that are no more. I cry because we have come so far, only to fail again.
Looking back now, this is probably when I began the blame game. The game I swore I would never let myself play. Blaming K for us going through IF. The 'it's his fault but I have to deal with all the meds, side effects and procedures.' Blaming myself for my embies not sticking. The 'my body rejected my beautiful little babies for no good reason.' Blaming everyone around me because they had never dealt with anything like infertility, and they didn't know how to comfort me. I refused to go back to counseling.
I spiral out of control. I start drinking too much. I start fighting with K. I tell him that when I look at him I see what he cannot give me, what we should be able to do naturally, and I can't stand it. I am a cruel cruel image of my former self. I hate the person I have become but I cannot stop it. I say things that I can never take back, and to this day I am so sorry for that. I wish I hadn't let that happen to me. I wish that I could have held myself together. I wish I could have realized what was happening and have gotten help for it. I'm not proud of the person I was during this time frame. In fact, this is the closest that I'll ever be able to honestly say I disliked myself. I did. But, it is another aspect of my life that made me the person I am today. I am so lucky that even after all that I put K through, that he was able to continue loving me. He is a strong strong man, and one that I will never, ever treat this way again. I can only thank God for him.
This is where I let Infertility ruin me. This is where I let Infertility win.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Infertility - not part 3
So, we have begun the thought process of baby number 2. At first we didn't know if we wanted another, but now we realize that we do. We have had the talk a couple of times now about how we are going to go about it. Here are our options as we have discussed so far:
AUI/IUI with Donor Sperm
IVF with ICSI
Now, here's the problem. As you have begun to learn from my first posts about IF, it is a LONG and difficult road. IVF tore me into teeny tiny little pieces of the human being that I once was. It left me a figment of my imagination, a fragmented dream. It took my heart out of my chest and stomped on it then threw it in the gutter. It washed my soul in vinegar. It was bad, bad, bad.
So, why would I consider it again?
I've asked myself that question so many times. First, because I really want Kev to have a biological baby. I think to myself that I have one child now, so maybe it'll make the second time around better. Am I delusional? Sometimes I think so. I have no idea how it will be. I have no idea if it will be easier or more difficult because I will have to care for a child while dealing with the side affects of the hormones. Not to mention the money aspect. Thousands and thousands of dollars for IVF, where AUI/IUI's can be less than $1000 (not sure how much donor sperm costs though).
Either way, we need to find an RE again as our other one was back in Toledo and now we live in Indianapolis. There are lots of choices here, and I have to start thinking about it seriously soon.
We decided we wanted the kids to be somewhere between 1 and 2 years apart. That means we have to start seeking help around Bug's first birthday.
OMG. We are halfway there. Deep breaths. Am I ready to go through this again?
I must be, it's started to consume my thoughts. The birth board that I am a part of has so many women already pregnant again, and I am jealous. Happy for them, but jealous. Crazy, I know! Bug is only 6 months old!
But I LOVED being pregnant. I even loved labor and delivery! No, I'm not a glutton for punishment, to me it was just the most beautiful thing I have ever been through. I want to make it longer before I get the epidural this time, I want to use a mirror and watch the babies head crown this time.
So, I looked up the clinics in the area. I want to get their stats, see who has more experience dealing with MFI (male factor infertility). I want to meet the docs and see what they have to say. I want to explore the options and the costs.
But we can't decide which route to go. How do you make that decision? Try IVF once and if it doesn't work get some donor sperm and do IUI/AUI? Or keep it cheaper and go right to IUI/AUI?
Groan.
This is a life changing and very charged decision to make. IVF failure almost ruined our marriage and us as people the first time around (or first three times). So I ask myself again, do I think we can handle it?
We agreed we will start counseling right away and stick with it until the conclusion of any treatment we go through, and beyond if necessary. We have grown as individuals and learned how to deal with hardships, and how to keep the lines of communication open.
And we have one beautiful, loving, perfect little girl.
So it will be easier to deal with IVF this time, right?
AUI/IUI with Donor Sperm
IVF with ICSI
Now, here's the problem. As you have begun to learn from my first posts about IF, it is a LONG and difficult road. IVF tore me into teeny tiny little pieces of the human being that I once was. It left me a figment of my imagination, a fragmented dream. It took my heart out of my chest and stomped on it then threw it in the gutter. It washed my soul in vinegar. It was bad, bad, bad.
So, why would I consider it again?
I've asked myself that question so many times. First, because I really want Kev to have a biological baby. I think to myself that I have one child now, so maybe it'll make the second time around better. Am I delusional? Sometimes I think so. I have no idea how it will be. I have no idea if it will be easier or more difficult because I will have to care for a child while dealing with the side affects of the hormones. Not to mention the money aspect. Thousands and thousands of dollars for IVF, where AUI/IUI's can be less than $1000 (not sure how much donor sperm costs though).
Either way, we need to find an RE again as our other one was back in Toledo and now we live in Indianapolis. There are lots of choices here, and I have to start thinking about it seriously soon.
We decided we wanted the kids to be somewhere between 1 and 2 years apart. That means we have to start seeking help around Bug's first birthday.
OMG. We are halfway there. Deep breaths. Am I ready to go through this again?
I must be, it's started to consume my thoughts. The birth board that I am a part of has so many women already pregnant again, and I am jealous. Happy for them, but jealous. Crazy, I know! Bug is only 6 months old!
But I LOVED being pregnant. I even loved labor and delivery! No, I'm not a glutton for punishment, to me it was just the most beautiful thing I have ever been through. I want to make it longer before I get the epidural this time, I want to use a mirror and watch the babies head crown this time.
So, I looked up the clinics in the area. I want to get their stats, see who has more experience dealing with MFI (male factor infertility). I want to meet the docs and see what they have to say. I want to explore the options and the costs.
But we can't decide which route to go. How do you make that decision? Try IVF once and if it doesn't work get some donor sperm and do IUI/AUI? Or keep it cheaper and go right to IUI/AUI?
Groan.
This is a life changing and very charged decision to make. IVF failure almost ruined our marriage and us as people the first time around (or first three times). So I ask myself again, do I think we can handle it?
We agreed we will start counseling right away and stick with it until the conclusion of any treatment we go through, and beyond if necessary. We have grown as individuals and learned how to deal with hardships, and how to keep the lines of communication open.
And we have one beautiful, loving, perfect little girl.
So it will be easier to deal with IVF this time, right?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Infertility, Part 1
OK, so this post has been coming. It's the start, it will probably take a few posts to get it all out. There's so much to it, but I want to share. If it ever helps someone else, that would be the best thing possible!
July 25, 2008 was the day my world fell apart. The pieces of my life, and my heart, were scattered so far and wide that I didn't think they could possibly ever be put back together. I became a broken person, a wounded soul. I pulled back from everything I had once loved and became someone that I didn't even recognize when I looked in the mirror. This was the day that we found out all of our infertility nightmares had come true. The day that had been over 2 years in the making. The day we hoped would give us new life, new hope, new meaning. Instead it was the day that we were told our latest attempt at concieving a much prayed for baby through IVF (invitro fertilization) with ICSI had failed. After all the heartache, all the emotions, all the shots and blood draws and ultrasounds. All the visits to doctors of all kinds. All the hope because 'our chances were so good.' All the money, time, and sanity that we poured into infertility testing and treatment, and it was not to be. Again. I felt like I died that day along with our two fertilized embryo's that were transferred back into my body. The embryo's that were supposed to burrow themselves into my lining. The embryo's that my body rejected. Along with the fertilized embryo's that were supposed to make it to be frozen so that we had a chance with FET (frozen embryo transfer). Everything was gone. My babies. My hope. This is the day that I realized that I was a Mother, but a Mother without a child to hold as my own.
Ironically, July 25, 2010 is when those pieces were put back together. The day that I found a love so strong that nothing, EVER, could break it. This was the day I became a parent for the second time. This is the day that our baby, our everything, graced us with her presence. This is the day that I delivered a healthy, screaming 7 pound, 2 ounce bundle of joy at 4:23 in the morning. This is the day that Kevin and I had been waiting for. This is the day that made everything we went through worthwhile. The day that I handed over my heart to never again be my own.
Let's start from the beginning.
I met K in January 2000. By June 2000 we were dating seriously, and December 2000 we moved in together. March 2001 we were engaged. June 22, 2002 we exchanged vows and rings and became one family in front of God, our friends and family. We were young. I was just 22 and K was 23. Not as young as some, but definately young. We were still working our way through college and both working full time, so we agreed to not to try to start a family until we had graduated. This allowed us to enjoy each other, and learn everything we could about each other. We did, and it was the greatest decision we could have made.
Fast forward. May 2005 K graduated with his bachelors degree. March 2006 I came off of birth control. May 2006 I graduated with my bachelors degree. June 2006 we travelled Europe for 3 weeks and really enjoyed no longer preventing pregnancy. At first it was great. No birth control, no other prevention, and just having fun. After some months of trying we thought that maybe we just weren't hitting the right time of the month. So we started temping and charting, and using OPK's to make sure that we knew when I was ovulating. So, now we KNEW we were trying at the right time of the month. In all reality, we both knew in the back of our heads that there was going to be some IF issues, but I think we both didn't want to admit it. So, just under a year after we began trying, we agreed to find out why we were not yet pregnant. My Ob/Gyn had our testing done. I had some low progesterone, but otherwise I was OK. K had dealt with an issue at birth that was corrected sometime around his 6th year that caused him some issues. Unfortunately, all of his numbers were low. So, my Ob/Gyn recommended we see a urologist that specializes in Male Infertility. We did. She ran another analysis on him and we had a consultation. During that consultation she prescribed him Clomid. Apparently it's not just for women! There were all kinds of other recommendations, but when it boiled down to it she advised us that even if we did them all, with the reason for his fertility issues, the chances of us getting pregnant were not going to increase by any noticeable amount. Unfortunately we fell into the category of severe male factor.
So, we self referred to a prominent Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in our area.
We got in pretty quick. They did another analysis. We sat down and talked with the doctor. His picture that he drew for us was bleak on the one hand, but on the other it gave us loads of hope. He said that if we DTD at the right time every month for 10 years, we had about a 1 percent chance of getting pregnant within that 10 years.
Wow, slow down. Step back. 1% chance? That's LOW!!! We felt deflated. But wait, he said, there are options!
He advised that while we could try IUI/AI, he did not recommend it as he did not think in our situation that it would increase our chances. He was willing to do it, but he basically said he thought it would be a waste of money. He felt our option was IVF with ICSI. We decided to discuss and let the office know what we wanted to do.
For those who are not familiar, and probably over simplifying: IVF is where they keep you from ovulating, then feed the eggs, then take them out with a nasty looking needle, and then put them in a petri dish with the sperm and let them do their thing. ICSI is where instead of just putting them in the dish to do their thing, they use a needle and inject the sperm right into the egg. Either way they then feed the fertilized embryo's for a few days, then transplant them back in. At that point there's nothing else to be done, you just have to hope that your body accepts them and that they burrow into your lining.
OK, we thought. We can do this. It won't be so bad, right? We have some money in savings to help pay for this. We'll just do this IVF with ICSI and it'll work. We'll be pregnant in a matter of months, right?
Wrong. So very very wrong.
July 25, 2008 was the day my world fell apart. The pieces of my life, and my heart, were scattered so far and wide that I didn't think they could possibly ever be put back together. I became a broken person, a wounded soul. I pulled back from everything I had once loved and became someone that I didn't even recognize when I looked in the mirror. This was the day that we found out all of our infertility nightmares had come true. The day that had been over 2 years in the making. The day we hoped would give us new life, new hope, new meaning. Instead it was the day that we were told our latest attempt at concieving a much prayed for baby through IVF (invitro fertilization) with ICSI had failed. After all the heartache, all the emotions, all the shots and blood draws and ultrasounds. All the visits to doctors of all kinds. All the hope because 'our chances were so good.' All the money, time, and sanity that we poured into infertility testing and treatment, and it was not to be. Again. I felt like I died that day along with our two fertilized embryo's that were transferred back into my body. The embryo's that were supposed to burrow themselves into my lining. The embryo's that my body rejected. Along with the fertilized embryo's that were supposed to make it to be frozen so that we had a chance with FET (frozen embryo transfer). Everything was gone. My babies. My hope. This is the day that I realized that I was a Mother, but a Mother without a child to hold as my own.
Ironically, July 25, 2010 is when those pieces were put back together. The day that I found a love so strong that nothing, EVER, could break it. This was the day I became a parent for the second time. This is the day that our baby, our everything, graced us with her presence. This is the day that I delivered a healthy, screaming 7 pound, 2 ounce bundle of joy at 4:23 in the morning. This is the day that Kevin and I had been waiting for. This is the day that made everything we went through worthwhile. The day that I handed over my heart to never again be my own.
Let's start from the beginning.
I met K in January 2000. By June 2000 we were dating seriously, and December 2000 we moved in together. March 2001 we were engaged. June 22, 2002 we exchanged vows and rings and became one family in front of God, our friends and family. We were young. I was just 22 and K was 23. Not as young as some, but definately young. We were still working our way through college and both working full time, so we agreed to not to try to start a family until we had graduated. This allowed us to enjoy each other, and learn everything we could about each other. We did, and it was the greatest decision we could have made.
Fast forward. May 2005 K graduated with his bachelors degree. March 2006 I came off of birth control. May 2006 I graduated with my bachelors degree. June 2006 we travelled Europe for 3 weeks and really enjoyed no longer preventing pregnancy. At first it was great. No birth control, no other prevention, and just having fun. After some months of trying we thought that maybe we just weren't hitting the right time of the month. So we started temping and charting, and using OPK's to make sure that we knew when I was ovulating. So, now we KNEW we were trying at the right time of the month. In all reality, we both knew in the back of our heads that there was going to be some IF issues, but I think we both didn't want to admit it. So, just under a year after we began trying, we agreed to find out why we were not yet pregnant. My Ob/Gyn had our testing done. I had some low progesterone, but otherwise I was OK. K had dealt with an issue at birth that was corrected sometime around his 6th year that caused him some issues. Unfortunately, all of his numbers were low. So, my Ob/Gyn recommended we see a urologist that specializes in Male Infertility. We did. She ran another analysis on him and we had a consultation. During that consultation she prescribed him Clomid. Apparently it's not just for women! There were all kinds of other recommendations, but when it boiled down to it she advised us that even if we did them all, with the reason for his fertility issues, the chances of us getting pregnant were not going to increase by any noticeable amount. Unfortunately we fell into the category of severe male factor.
So, we self referred to a prominent Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in our area.
We got in pretty quick. They did another analysis. We sat down and talked with the doctor. His picture that he drew for us was bleak on the one hand, but on the other it gave us loads of hope. He said that if we DTD at the right time every month for 10 years, we had about a 1 percent chance of getting pregnant within that 10 years.
Wow, slow down. Step back. 1% chance? That's LOW!!! We felt deflated. But wait, he said, there are options!
He advised that while we could try IUI/AI, he did not recommend it as he did not think in our situation that it would increase our chances. He was willing to do it, but he basically said he thought it would be a waste of money. He felt our option was IVF with ICSI. We decided to discuss and let the office know what we wanted to do.
For those who are not familiar, and probably over simplifying: IVF is where they keep you from ovulating, then feed the eggs, then take them out with a nasty looking needle, and then put them in a petri dish with the sperm and let them do their thing. ICSI is where instead of just putting them in the dish to do their thing, they use a needle and inject the sperm right into the egg. Either way they then feed the fertilized embryo's for a few days, then transplant them back in. At that point there's nothing else to be done, you just have to hope that your body accepts them and that they burrow into your lining.
OK, we thought. We can do this. It won't be so bad, right? We have some money in savings to help pay for this. We'll just do this IVF with ICSI and it'll work. We'll be pregnant in a matter of months, right?
Wrong. So very very wrong.
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