I know I've been a bit of a slacker... it's been hard to blog because I used to do it at work (I know, bad Emms). But they locked down our filters tighter and I can no longer post from work. So I have to try to squeeze it in between when Bug goes to bed and when we do, but of course there's other things to be done during that time.
It's been a month since we weaned. We are doing good, and this week bug slept through the night. Every. Single. Night. I'm amazed, speechless, and for the first time since early in pregnancy, somewhat well rested!
Last week I had my HSG. All was clear and beautiful. Wasn't too painful at all.
This Tuesday K and I had our first counseling appointment. We agreed to do it while going through fertility treatments, and I'm glad. It went well, and I think it will help keep the lines of communication open during this trying time.
Today I had my yearly with a new ob/gyn since moving. I liked her, although not quite as much as the one that took care of me while pregnant. I think it's for that reason- she cared for me during pregnancy, which was such an extra special time!
Then I came home to receive the shipment of our meds. Lupron, Follistim, Estrogen patches, doxycycline, Medrol, Novaril, tylenol with Codeine and masses of syringes. It's real now. Monday morning at 7:00am I go in for blood work to verify that I ovulated. I'm POSITIVE that I did. I don't normally feel ovulation, but after dealing with primary infertility, I know the signs. I have heard that after an HSG a woman is very fertile, and I see why. This month my signs were multiplied (egg white CM en masse) and I actually felt myself ovulating.
So, when Monday's bloodwork shows that I ovulated, they will call me. I will then begin the injections. Lupron starts Monday and will be it until I get my next AF, which should be at the end of the month. Then a baseline ultrasound to make sure that all looks good in there.
I'm excited to get this show on the road. I look forward to trying to make another baby, one with K's features as well as my own.
I'm nervous. It's a lot of emotions and finances in this.
I'm scared to death. What if it doesn't work? We've failed before. We've agreed one try at IVF, what if we don't get any totsicles and the one try fails? I want this so bad I can taste it. But I'm breathing deep and trying to stay grounded. I will do my best to take any blows that come our way in stride, to not let my jacked up hormonal emotions go off the deep end.
I will remain positive.
This will work.
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Friday, March 16, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
So much to say...
Wow, it's been a while since I've written. I've been following blogs still, but not posting as much as I would like. It's just been crazy over the holidays, still settling in, and busy at work. Plus, our work filters now won't let me post, so I have to wait until I get a chance at home, which is rare.
I will catch up later from the holidays, but for today I want to talk about Infertility.
I'm just about due for AF. I know she's coming, but I want to deny it. I've said before that I'm not struggling this time around as badly as I did when we were trying for our first, which is true. But. That doesn't mean it's easy. I'm about 10 months post first AF after Buggie was born. So, we've officially been not preventing, and trying, for that time. I know the chances are so slim of it happening on its own, but I can't help but to hope.
I was never a tester. When trying for our first, I knew, every single month, that I wasn't pregnant. K always wanted me to test, but I never wanted to. I didn't want to see that 1 pink line, that just reiterated what I already knew. Knowing was bad enough. There were a few months that I gave in and tried to appease K, and those were probably the hardest negatives to face. Once we headed down the IVF path he stopped asking me to test. We stopped temping, stopped paying attention to CM (cervical mucous), stopped everything. It was our attempt at gaining some of our control back. Looking back on it now, it never really worked. What it did do was allowed us to take at least 1 step back. It was still the main thing in our lives. The one topic of conversation that was always ongoing, the one thing that pushed everything else back to the back burner.
This time around I've not done any of it. Nothing. The only reason I've even tracked my cycles is because I knew that I'd need to for our RE appointments. Since AF has been back I've been more regular than I've ever been before. Except one month, when K was gone and buggie wasn't sleeping and wanting to nurse all the time. I gave in and tested. The negative was glaring, but I handled it with a shrug of the shoulders. It really was expected, and really didn't have a bad effect on me.
So. I didn't write down my cycle last month, but I know I was at the tail end of it when I had my girls weekend, which was December 10. So, AF is on it's way. I know this. But. I am hoping. I have had these weird twinges for the last week or so. I spotted a little bit after sex over the weekend (which isn't abnormal when AF is on her way), but there's been no more spotting, which is abnormal. Typically I spot off and on for at least a week prior to AF rearing her ugly head. To top it off, a couple times in the last few days there has been what looks like tissue in the toilet after I pee. Maybe a little tinged red, but not really bloody - which I've never had before. I know, probably TMI, but here my brain is hoping it's implantation. One would think I'd be beyond this by now, but obviously that is not the case.
I suddenly find myself wanting to test. I suddenly have this overwhelming urge that maybe, just maybe, I'm pregnant. It's so wrong because I know what will happen. I tore apart the bathroom yesterday when I had 5 minutes away from K looking for a test. I thought I still had one, but alas, I couldn't find one.
I keep hoping that it will miraculously happen on it's own, that way I won't have to wean buggie. That way if she decides to self wean during pregnancy as I hear happens so often, it's her choice. I want it to be her choice, not mine. But I don't want to wait for too much longer since we can't go through treatments if I'm still breastfeeding her. It's such a difficult decision. This coming from the woman who never thought she'd nurse past a year. Buggie is almost a year and 1/2. It's amazing, and crazy. I love every minute of it, and so does she. But I want so badly to start trying to give her a sibling.
**sigh**
I will catch up later from the holidays, but for today I want to talk about Infertility.
I'm just about due for AF. I know she's coming, but I want to deny it. I've said before that I'm not struggling this time around as badly as I did when we were trying for our first, which is true. But. That doesn't mean it's easy. I'm about 10 months post first AF after Buggie was born. So, we've officially been not preventing, and trying, for that time. I know the chances are so slim of it happening on its own, but I can't help but to hope.
I was never a tester. When trying for our first, I knew, every single month, that I wasn't pregnant. K always wanted me to test, but I never wanted to. I didn't want to see that 1 pink line, that just reiterated what I already knew. Knowing was bad enough. There were a few months that I gave in and tried to appease K, and those were probably the hardest negatives to face. Once we headed down the IVF path he stopped asking me to test. We stopped temping, stopped paying attention to CM (cervical mucous), stopped everything. It was our attempt at gaining some of our control back. Looking back on it now, it never really worked. What it did do was allowed us to take at least 1 step back. It was still the main thing in our lives. The one topic of conversation that was always ongoing, the one thing that pushed everything else back to the back burner.
This time around I've not done any of it. Nothing. The only reason I've even tracked my cycles is because I knew that I'd need to for our RE appointments. Since AF has been back I've been more regular than I've ever been before. Except one month, when K was gone and buggie wasn't sleeping and wanting to nurse all the time. I gave in and tested. The negative was glaring, but I handled it with a shrug of the shoulders. It really was expected, and really didn't have a bad effect on me.
So. I didn't write down my cycle last month, but I know I was at the tail end of it when I had my girls weekend, which was December 10. So, AF is on it's way. I know this. But. I am hoping. I have had these weird twinges for the last week or so. I spotted a little bit after sex over the weekend (which isn't abnormal when AF is on her way), but there's been no more spotting, which is abnormal. Typically I spot off and on for at least a week prior to AF rearing her ugly head. To top it off, a couple times in the last few days there has been what looks like tissue in the toilet after I pee. Maybe a little tinged red, but not really bloody - which I've never had before. I know, probably TMI, but here my brain is hoping it's implantation. One would think I'd be beyond this by now, but obviously that is not the case.
I suddenly find myself wanting to test. I suddenly have this overwhelming urge that maybe, just maybe, I'm pregnant. It's so wrong because I know what will happen. I tore apart the bathroom yesterday when I had 5 minutes away from K looking for a test. I thought I still had one, but alas, I couldn't find one.
I keep hoping that it will miraculously happen on it's own, that way I won't have to wean buggie. That way if she decides to self wean during pregnancy as I hear happens so often, it's her choice. I want it to be her choice, not mine. But I don't want to wait for too much longer since we can't go through treatments if I'm still breastfeeding her. It's such a difficult decision. This coming from the woman who never thought she'd nurse past a year. Buggie is almost a year and 1/2. It's amazing, and crazy. I love every minute of it, and so does she. But I want so badly to start trying to give her a sibling.
**sigh**
Thursday, October 13, 2011
19 Kids and Counting
So, the other night I was exhausted. I did some studying for the GMAT, and then watched about 10 mins of TV before crashing out just after 9:00. Bug hasn't been sleeping well, so that means I haven't been either.
So, I was flipping through the channels, and I knew I only wanted to watch for a few mins, so I didn't want to get hooked into anything. So, I was looking for something stupid to stare at blankly for 10 mins. What do I stop on? 19 kids and counting.
Now, you may be asking yourself, why in the world would an infertile choose to watch this show? I don't know, I'm asking myself the same question. I've never watched it before, I've always refused based on the obvious.
I swear my hand had a mind of it's own, and picked the stupid show. I really did only watch about 10 mins of it, but in that 10 mins I managed to get myself worked up. How is it, that one single family can have this many children, when so many people out there can't even manage to get pregnant, or carry to term, or hold beyond birth, one child? Is that really so much to ask for? Don't get me wrong, I realize that I'm lucky enough to have that one child, even though I do want another.
But it still pisses me off for my comrades, those soldiers that I fought this war next to that still do not have a child. Those soldiers that are now trying for number two, those soldiers who had to mourn never having a child, instead choosing to live childless. Those soldiers who had to mourn never having a 'biological' child, only to realize that their adopted child is. These soldiers are good people, they deserve the chance to be a parent. To hold their little one and watch them grow. To see them off to college, to watch them get married, to help them welcome in their own child.
It's just not fair. Good for the Duggars, if it's really what they want. But they don't take care of their own kids, the other kids do! So now you're forcing children to grow up before their time and become parents to their own siblings. My big question? How do they afford it? Who pays for it all? At least before the TV show that I'm sure makes them gobs of money. For God's sake, let it be someone else's turn!!
I just remember too well the pain and heartache and suffering of primary infertility. I'm remembering it everyday as I struggle with secondary infertility, and the decisions that must be made, just to have a child. Something that should come naturally, something that no one should have to fight so hard for. Something that causes so many marriages to fall apart, sometimes that helps to put them back together, and something that causes people to feel like failures as women and men.
Every day I live with the burdens, skeletons, and choices that infertility left me with. It's who I am, without it I would be missing something so important and integral to the person that I have become. I would not trade my experiences, even if I sometimes wish I could go back and make better choices. I do NOT want to go through it again, but I know that we will come out the other side.
To those still in the trenches, remember how many before you have sat in your shoes and been able to make those difficult choices and come out the other side as a better person. Remember all those that struggled for more years then you think you could handle, and how in the end they got their miracle(s). Let it help keep your hope alive, even though hope is sometimes what makes the fall that much more difficult. Without the hope you will not make it through. With it, with the knowledge that so many have made it, and with your beliefs (whatever they may be), you will make it through too. Your time will come.
And please, for God's sake, DO NOT WATCH 19 KIDS AND COUNTING!!!
Sorry, I'm off my soap box now, I think.
So, I was flipping through the channels, and I knew I only wanted to watch for a few mins, so I didn't want to get hooked into anything. So, I was looking for something stupid to stare at blankly for 10 mins. What do I stop on? 19 kids and counting.
Now, you may be asking yourself, why in the world would an infertile choose to watch this show? I don't know, I'm asking myself the same question. I've never watched it before, I've always refused based on the obvious.
I swear my hand had a mind of it's own, and picked the stupid show. I really did only watch about 10 mins of it, but in that 10 mins I managed to get myself worked up. How is it, that one single family can have this many children, when so many people out there can't even manage to get pregnant, or carry to term, or hold beyond birth, one child? Is that really so much to ask for? Don't get me wrong, I realize that I'm lucky enough to have that one child, even though I do want another.
But it still pisses me off for my comrades, those soldiers that I fought this war next to that still do not have a child. Those soldiers that are now trying for number two, those soldiers who had to mourn never having a child, instead choosing to live childless. Those soldiers who had to mourn never having a 'biological' child, only to realize that their adopted child is. These soldiers are good people, they deserve the chance to be a parent. To hold their little one and watch them grow. To see them off to college, to watch them get married, to help them welcome in their own child.
It's just not fair. Good for the Duggars, if it's really what they want. But they don't take care of their own kids, the other kids do! So now you're forcing children to grow up before their time and become parents to their own siblings. My big question? How do they afford it? Who pays for it all? At least before the TV show that I'm sure makes them gobs of money. For God's sake, let it be someone else's turn!!
I just remember too well the pain and heartache and suffering of primary infertility. I'm remembering it everyday as I struggle with secondary infertility, and the decisions that must be made, just to have a child. Something that should come naturally, something that no one should have to fight so hard for. Something that causes so many marriages to fall apart, sometimes that helps to put them back together, and something that causes people to feel like failures as women and men.
Every day I live with the burdens, skeletons, and choices that infertility left me with. It's who I am, without it I would be missing something so important and integral to the person that I have become. I would not trade my experiences, even if I sometimes wish I could go back and make better choices. I do NOT want to go through it again, but I know that we will come out the other side.
To those still in the trenches, remember how many before you have sat in your shoes and been able to make those difficult choices and come out the other side as a better person. Remember all those that struggled for more years then you think you could handle, and how in the end they got their miracle(s). Let it help keep your hope alive, even though hope is sometimes what makes the fall that much more difficult. Without the hope you will not make it through. With it, with the knowledge that so many have made it, and with your beliefs (whatever they may be), you will make it through too. Your time will come.
And please, for God's sake, DO NOT WATCH 19 KIDS AND COUNTING!!!
Sorry, I'm off my soap box now, I think.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Infertility, the IVF Final Chapter
I've been trying to figure out when to put this one out, and I know when I do I will forget a lot. Because I don't want to read it over after I have written it. I just want to get it out there. Really, when to put the words in writing that will be very difficult for me. The hardest chapter, one that had lasting consequences. Tough, life altering consequences. After this post I will update on the after effects of what happened, and how it all got fixed.
So, here goes.
It all starts in May, 2008. I talk to my RE's office on May 19. They tell me we're changing the meds protocol, again. The fact that I responded to the antagonist protocol the way I did made them want to go back to a Lupron cycle. So they tell me that we'll extend the amount of time on BCP's, then up the dose of Lupron (suppression) and keep a low dose of repronex (stims). Then, they will start in with ultrasounds and blood work on day 3 instead of day 5, and keep a close eye on me. Apparently my case had become quite the talk of the office.
So now, I just have to wait for AF to rear her ugly head. We feel hopeful, but scared. After what we'd been through we wanted to remain cautious, but optimistic. So AF comes on June 5.
Let's get this party started. I start taking the BCP's.
June 13 I start my Lupron. As before, the side effects are horrendous. But I'm getting better (slightly) at dealing with them.
Baseline u/s looks good (did I mention that all of these u/s are trans vaginal? I've never let so many people look at my vagina as I did during this time. Hello to the world she seemed to be saying).
June 27 I start stimming. I get more and more hopeful. This is it, I think to myself. It has to work this time! The odds are in our favor!
June 30 I have blood work. My estrogen levels look good! Wow, I breath a little sigh of relief.
July 2 I have more b/w and another u/s. We are looking at somewhere around 30+ follies, and my estrogen levels still look great. Oh man, oh man, we're looking better than ever before!!
July 5 my b/w and u/s look great. They are talking about Egg Retrieval (ER) and Embryo Transfer (ET). Oh my, we've never really talked about those before. Could this really be it?! They mention maybe triggering on the 8th.
K and I can't help but to be excited, happy, and nervous. We have no idea what to expect at this point. No clue, but we just KNOW it will work, as do friends on my online community. After all we've been through, this is our cycle, we just know it. Our hopes are so high, we forget to keep them in check so that they can't come crashing down. Every infertile does it. They let themselves get so caught up in believing that this cycle will be it. HOPE. We cannot help but to hope. It's a necessity to have during this struggle, but it is also what breaks us down. With it we're broken, but without it we are nothing.
July 7 we have our last u/s and b/w. My estrogen is at 3100 which is a good number. I have 10 great looking follies. They tell me that they'll call me later with date and time for trigger, but it'll probably be July 8.
Somewhere in all of this we did a mock transfer with the doc. It went smooth. He feels that my uterus is beautiful and perfect. Never thought I'd be so glad to hear that!
Wait, did you just say Trigger? We've not gotten to do this yet! Panic mode! We don't know how! It's more meds, and it has to be in the hip area, right?! Isn't that what we remember from our IVF training? Oh man oh man oh man. Deep breathing. Slow down.
The call comes. Trigger tonight (July 7) at 11:30pm. Come in for the ER at 10:00 am on 7/9. But that morning, you have to POAS and make sure it comes back positive. Ohhhhhh my, it's happening. It's really really happening.
K and I are in tears we are so happy. That night he has to wake me up and give me the shot. Painful? A little, but almost a relief. We stop everything else. Now we let my body do it's thing and hopefully they'll get out a lot of little eggies!
Making it through July 8 was just about impossible. I couldn't concentrate at work. All I could do was picture what my body was doing, and what my little eggies would do in their petri dish.
July 9 is a crazy day. I get to the docs office and they take us back to a room. They give me an IV, which the nurse manages to screw up and blood is shooting all over the wall and the floor. I won't watch. They give me two drugs, one is waking anesthesia and the other is a relaxer. It works pretty quick and I'm feeling laid back. About this time K has to leave the room. They lay me back and get the ultrasound going. They take a very long, ugly looking needle and go in through my vagina, and through my uterine wall. I know it would hurt if I could feel anything. I pass out for a little bit (from the meds) and wake up to watch them on the u/s. I can see them going into each follie and pulling out my eggs. My future babies.
Poor K has to give two samples because they get so little usable sperm from the first. We try not to let this stress us out. I relax the rest of the day and wait for the next days update call.
14 eggs were removed. 11 were fertilized. 1 fertilized abnormally. That left 10. 'That's a great number' we keep thinking. Every day we get a status report, and while some are slow growing, we have 2 that look like prime candidates for transfer, and another 2-3 that look good for freezing. Our hopes grow. This is really happening! We're going to be pregnant!!
We go in for the transfer. I have to have a full bladder. It's so full that it's painful. Kev gets to stay in the room with me this time. They turn on the u/s machine and take a catheter tube with our two best embies and transfer them back into my body. I lay back for about 20 minutes, until I think my bladder may explode. They give us a couple of ultrasound pictures of those little embies doing their thing, and we pray, harder than we've ever prayed, that they will implant. At least one. For the next two weeks I have to use progesterone vaginal suppositories. They are unpleasant, but I don't care. If it means I get pregnant, I'll do anything.
We forget the u/s pictures at the office. I cry.
I take 4 days off to remain on bed rest. I barely move, except to go to the bathroom and get food when Kev isn't there. I play on the computer, I watch TV and movies. I relax. I have some strange cramping, but the doc says that is normal. On the second day the office calls and tells me that 3 embies will make it to freeze. They say they will call back once they are frozen. This is not the normal person that called with all of my lab updates, so when I don't here back 2 days later, I call them. Oh no, they tell me, none of your embies made it to freeze, we're so sorry, the tech must have gotten two cases mixed up.
This is when everything begins to unravel for me. I'm heartbroken. They said those embies looked so good. I let myself go down the path of ' if they didn't make it, did the two they transplanted make it?' It was tough.
I try not to think about it. I try to live as normal a life as possible in the remainder of the TWW (two week wait). I drive myself crazy with every little sign that could mean AF or pregnancy. Why does mother nature treat us cruelly by making the symptoms all the same?
Then I spot. I feel broken. I call the office. 'Don't worry' they tell me, 'that happens sometimes, could be implantation bleeding' But I worry. How can I not? After all we've been through, all the emotional and financial strain. What if this doesn't work?
July 25, 2008 comes. This is my beta (blood test) to see if it worked. I'm nervous. I go get my blood taken in the morning. I tell K when they call me with the results I'll conference him in. The next hours drag by slower than anything I've ever been through.
The phone rings. And I know. I know the answer.
I answer the phone and quickly put the nurse on hold and call K.
'I'm sorry' she says to us. 'You are not pregnant.'
July 25, 2008, the day my world fell apart. The day that the shell of a person I had become broke down into dust. The day I didn't even know if I could continue to live my life, knowing that my embies, my perfect LIVING little babies, died.
Two years, to the day, before I became whole again with the birth of my beautiful daughter.
I sit in my office and sob. I can't even talk to K I'm crying so hard. 'Come home' he tells me. I can tell he is heartbroken too. Once I calm down enough I walk into my bosses office and simply say 'I need to leave.' She takes one look at me and says Go. I know I look like death warmed over.
I beat K home. I can't go in the house. The empty, silent house. That should have been filled with baby cries in 38 more weeks. We go shopping instead. We go out to dinner that night. We are broken and I don't feel well, but I can't go home.
That weekend we get a hotel room. We try to relax some. But AF comes. Harder than she ever has before, as I basically miscarry my two little babies. I practically sit on the toilet for hours because it is so heavy, and the clots are huge, and I hurt so bad. Physically and emotionally. I cry. I cry for myself, I cry for Kev, I cry for my babies. I cry for the future that looks so bleak, and the possibilities that are no more. I cry because we have come so far, only to fail again.
Looking back now, this is probably when I began the blame game. The game I swore I would never let myself play. Blaming K for us going through IF. The 'it's his fault but I have to deal with all the meds, side effects and procedures.' Blaming myself for my embies not sticking. The 'my body rejected my beautiful little babies for no good reason.' Blaming everyone around me because they had never dealt with anything like infertility, and they didn't know how to comfort me. I refused to go back to counseling.
I spiral out of control. I start drinking too much. I start fighting with K. I tell him that when I look at him I see what he cannot give me, what we should be able to do naturally, and I can't stand it. I am a cruel cruel image of my former self. I hate the person I have become but I cannot stop it. I say things that I can never take back, and to this day I am so sorry for that. I wish I hadn't let that happen to me. I wish that I could have held myself together. I wish I could have realized what was happening and have gotten help for it. I'm not proud of the person I was during this time frame. In fact, this is the closest that I'll ever be able to honestly say I disliked myself. I did. But, it is another aspect of my life that made me the person I am today. I am so lucky that even after all that I put K through, that he was able to continue loving me. He is a strong strong man, and one that I will never, ever treat this way again. I can only thank God for him.
This is where I let Infertility ruin me. This is where I let Infertility win.
So, here goes.
It all starts in May, 2008. I talk to my RE's office on May 19. They tell me we're changing the meds protocol, again. The fact that I responded to the antagonist protocol the way I did made them want to go back to a Lupron cycle. So they tell me that we'll extend the amount of time on BCP's, then up the dose of Lupron (suppression) and keep a low dose of repronex (stims). Then, they will start in with ultrasounds and blood work on day 3 instead of day 5, and keep a close eye on me. Apparently my case had become quite the talk of the office.
So now, I just have to wait for AF to rear her ugly head. We feel hopeful, but scared. After what we'd been through we wanted to remain cautious, but optimistic. So AF comes on June 5.
Let's get this party started. I start taking the BCP's.
June 13 I start my Lupron. As before, the side effects are horrendous. But I'm getting better (slightly) at dealing with them.
Baseline u/s looks good (did I mention that all of these u/s are trans vaginal? I've never let so many people look at my vagina as I did during this time. Hello to the world she seemed to be saying).
June 27 I start stimming. I get more and more hopeful. This is it, I think to myself. It has to work this time! The odds are in our favor!
June 30 I have blood work. My estrogen levels look good! Wow, I breath a little sigh of relief.
July 2 I have more b/w and another u/s. We are looking at somewhere around 30+ follies, and my estrogen levels still look great. Oh man, oh man, we're looking better than ever before!!
July 5 my b/w and u/s look great. They are talking about Egg Retrieval (ER) and Embryo Transfer (ET). Oh my, we've never really talked about those before. Could this really be it?! They mention maybe triggering on the 8th.
K and I can't help but to be excited, happy, and nervous. We have no idea what to expect at this point. No clue, but we just KNOW it will work, as do friends on my online community. After all we've been through, this is our cycle, we just know it. Our hopes are so high, we forget to keep them in check so that they can't come crashing down. Every infertile does it. They let themselves get so caught up in believing that this cycle will be it. HOPE. We cannot help but to hope. It's a necessity to have during this struggle, but it is also what breaks us down. With it we're broken, but without it we are nothing.
July 7 we have our last u/s and b/w. My estrogen is at 3100 which is a good number. I have 10 great looking follies. They tell me that they'll call me later with date and time for trigger, but it'll probably be July 8.
Somewhere in all of this we did a mock transfer with the doc. It went smooth. He feels that my uterus is beautiful and perfect. Never thought I'd be so glad to hear that!
Wait, did you just say Trigger? We've not gotten to do this yet! Panic mode! We don't know how! It's more meds, and it has to be in the hip area, right?! Isn't that what we remember from our IVF training? Oh man oh man oh man. Deep breathing. Slow down.
The call comes. Trigger tonight (July 7) at 11:30pm. Come in for the ER at 10:00 am on 7/9. But that morning, you have to POAS and make sure it comes back positive. Ohhhhhh my, it's happening. It's really really happening.
K and I are in tears we are so happy. That night he has to wake me up and give me the shot. Painful? A little, but almost a relief. We stop everything else. Now we let my body do it's thing and hopefully they'll get out a lot of little eggies!
Making it through July 8 was just about impossible. I couldn't concentrate at work. All I could do was picture what my body was doing, and what my little eggies would do in their petri dish.
July 9 is a crazy day. I get to the docs office and they take us back to a room. They give me an IV, which the nurse manages to screw up and blood is shooting all over the wall and the floor. I won't watch. They give me two drugs, one is waking anesthesia and the other is a relaxer. It works pretty quick and I'm feeling laid back. About this time K has to leave the room. They lay me back and get the ultrasound going. They take a very long, ugly looking needle and go in through my vagina, and through my uterine wall. I know it would hurt if I could feel anything. I pass out for a little bit (from the meds) and wake up to watch them on the u/s. I can see them going into each follie and pulling out my eggs. My future babies.
Poor K has to give two samples because they get so little usable sperm from the first. We try not to let this stress us out. I relax the rest of the day and wait for the next days update call.
14 eggs were removed. 11 were fertilized. 1 fertilized abnormally. That left 10. 'That's a great number' we keep thinking. Every day we get a status report, and while some are slow growing, we have 2 that look like prime candidates for transfer, and another 2-3 that look good for freezing. Our hopes grow. This is really happening! We're going to be pregnant!!
We go in for the transfer. I have to have a full bladder. It's so full that it's painful. Kev gets to stay in the room with me this time. They turn on the u/s machine and take a catheter tube with our two best embies and transfer them back into my body. I lay back for about 20 minutes, until I think my bladder may explode. They give us a couple of ultrasound pictures of those little embies doing their thing, and we pray, harder than we've ever prayed, that they will implant. At least one. For the next two weeks I have to use progesterone vaginal suppositories. They are unpleasant, but I don't care. If it means I get pregnant, I'll do anything.
We forget the u/s pictures at the office. I cry.
I take 4 days off to remain on bed rest. I barely move, except to go to the bathroom and get food when Kev isn't there. I play on the computer, I watch TV and movies. I relax. I have some strange cramping, but the doc says that is normal. On the second day the office calls and tells me that 3 embies will make it to freeze. They say they will call back once they are frozen. This is not the normal person that called with all of my lab updates, so when I don't here back 2 days later, I call them. Oh no, they tell me, none of your embies made it to freeze, we're so sorry, the tech must have gotten two cases mixed up.
This is when everything begins to unravel for me. I'm heartbroken. They said those embies looked so good. I let myself go down the path of ' if they didn't make it, did the two they transplanted make it?' It was tough.
I try not to think about it. I try to live as normal a life as possible in the remainder of the TWW (two week wait). I drive myself crazy with every little sign that could mean AF or pregnancy. Why does mother nature treat us cruelly by making the symptoms all the same?
Then I spot. I feel broken. I call the office. 'Don't worry' they tell me, 'that happens sometimes, could be implantation bleeding' But I worry. How can I not? After all we've been through, all the emotional and financial strain. What if this doesn't work?
July 25, 2008 comes. This is my beta (blood test) to see if it worked. I'm nervous. I go get my blood taken in the morning. I tell K when they call me with the results I'll conference him in. The next hours drag by slower than anything I've ever been through.
The phone rings. And I know. I know the answer.
I answer the phone and quickly put the nurse on hold and call K.
'I'm sorry' she says to us. 'You are not pregnant.'
July 25, 2008, the day my world fell apart. The day that the shell of a person I had become broke down into dust. The day I didn't even know if I could continue to live my life, knowing that my embies, my perfect LIVING little babies, died.
Two years, to the day, before I became whole again with the birth of my beautiful daughter.
I sit in my office and sob. I can't even talk to K I'm crying so hard. 'Come home' he tells me. I can tell he is heartbroken too. Once I calm down enough I walk into my bosses office and simply say 'I need to leave.' She takes one look at me and says Go. I know I look like death warmed over.
I beat K home. I can't go in the house. The empty, silent house. That should have been filled with baby cries in 38 more weeks. We go shopping instead. We go out to dinner that night. We are broken and I don't feel well, but I can't go home.
That weekend we get a hotel room. We try to relax some. But AF comes. Harder than she ever has before, as I basically miscarry my two little babies. I practically sit on the toilet for hours because it is so heavy, and the clots are huge, and I hurt so bad. Physically and emotionally. I cry. I cry for myself, I cry for Kev, I cry for my babies. I cry for the future that looks so bleak, and the possibilities that are no more. I cry because we have come so far, only to fail again.
Looking back now, this is probably when I began the blame game. The game I swore I would never let myself play. Blaming K for us going through IF. The 'it's his fault but I have to deal with all the meds, side effects and procedures.' Blaming myself for my embies not sticking. The 'my body rejected my beautiful little babies for no good reason.' Blaming everyone around me because they had never dealt with anything like infertility, and they didn't know how to comfort me. I refused to go back to counseling.
I spiral out of control. I start drinking too much. I start fighting with K. I tell him that when I look at him I see what he cannot give me, what we should be able to do naturally, and I can't stand it. I am a cruel cruel image of my former self. I hate the person I have become but I cannot stop it. I say things that I can never take back, and to this day I am so sorry for that. I wish I hadn't let that happen to me. I wish that I could have held myself together. I wish I could have realized what was happening and have gotten help for it. I'm not proud of the person I was during this time frame. In fact, this is the closest that I'll ever be able to honestly say I disliked myself. I did. But, it is another aspect of my life that made me the person I am today. I am so lucky that even after all that I put K through, that he was able to continue loving me. He is a strong strong man, and one that I will never, ever treat this way again. I can only thank God for him.
This is where I let Infertility ruin me. This is where I let Infertility win.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)