Transfer!

So yesterday when the embryologist called they said that there were 15 embryos that were still dividing and looking good.  8 of them looked really good at 4 cells or more.  So, they decided on transfer this morning.

So we got there about 11:15 with a VERY FULL BLADDER.  Man do I hate that part.  They did the transfer probably around noonish, and we transferred 2 beautiful embryos.  1 that was 8 cells and 1 that was 9 cells.  They said that there were so many that looked so good it was hard for them to choose which ones to transfer.

When they took me back for the transfer it was really neat, because they showed the embryo's up on a big screen that we could see, so we watched them suck them up into the catheter.  And cue tears.  Yep, I'm nice and emotional because of all this and the progesterone.  I laid flat for 20 minutes, then finally relieved my overfull bladder.  We left, grabbed some lunch, and came home.  I've been just relaxing all day.  Mom's here now helping play with Bug as K had to work (he's flight instructing now, have I mentioned that?!), and I want to take it easy.  Except I had to go to the bathroom earlier, and it was a bit, um, tough, so now I'm all freaked out.  But it'll be OK.

So they froze 6 embryo's today, and have 8 more that they're going to watch for a couple of days and freeze what they can.  Once all are frozen they'll send me an email detailing everything out.

I'm so hopeful it's scary.  I just pray that it doesn't all come crashing down.  But if it does, I know that we can make it through it as a family - K, Bug, me and God.

K isn't home to give me my PIO shot on time, so either I have to take it late, or hit up the nurses next door that I only kinda know and see if one of them will give it... I think I might try the nurses.  Plus I'm taking doxycycline (hates my stomach) and Medrol (to help keep my body from rejecting the embabies).

Welcome to the hellish Two Week Wait.  Blood test is exactly 2 weeks from today.

It seems like a lifetime.

Fertilization Report

So the embryologist called at about 8:30 this morning to give me the fertilization report.  25 eggs were removed, one fractured which she said was normal when there's a lot of eggs.  Of the 24 remaining, 20 were mature, so they ICSI'd all 20.

Because we have male factor infertility, and it's really not good (he doesn't have a lot, they are misshapen (think multiple heads/tails), don't swim well if at all, and aren't very strong), we do IVF with ICSI.  Normal IVF is where they put the egg and the sperm in a dish together and let them do their thing.  IVF with ICSI is where they actually inject the sperm directly into the egg.  So the sperm doesn't need to be able to swim well, doesn't need to be able to break into the egg, etc.

So, out of the 20 that were mature and ICSI'd, 16 of them fertilized normally.  These are good numbers compared to our last IVF (12 mature eggs, only 7 fertilized normally and those were all slow growers).  Now, I don't know yet how these babies are doing, they were all at 1 cell this morning, but that is exactly where they expected them to be.  So I'll hear more tomorrow, and I'll know tomorrow if we are going to do a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

On a side note, we started the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots tonight.  They weren't fun, but the worst part was the initial poke.  K had a REALLY hard time doing them though, he said he really felt the shot going in through fat and muscle and it kinda skeeved him out.  Hopefully he won't have any problems continuing to give me these shots.

As I've been all talk about IVF lately, on the Bug front... She wanted daddy to put her to bed tonight which is why I am getting a minute to do a post.  She found crayons, really found them, today during the day.  She's been pretty uninterested in them before now, but today she colored all over the glider stool and two walls.

Welcome to toddler hood LOL.  guess we'll be buying some Mr Clean Magic Erasers - I've heard they work well on crayon on walls!!

Retrieval

First I want to thank everyone for their loving comments lately.  I know I haven't been as good a commenter as I like to be, and I apologize for that!

So, this morning was retrieval.  It went really well!  We dropped bug off at around 7am, got to the docs just about 8:15 (yes, traffic is THAT bad for the trip from daycare to the RE's - it should only be about a 35 minute drive, or 55 from the house).  First we went back and talked to the nurse about what will go on in the next few weeks.

Mainly the PIO shots.  PIO = Progesterone in Oil.  This shit looks MEAN.  I mean really, who wants to inject a SLOW moving oil into their body Every.  Single.  Night?  I don't care, if it means that a pregnancy will hold, I'll take it.  Back in 2008 we did vaginal progesterone suppositories.  For what it's worth, those had their own issues.  The one I took I had to insert 3 times a day, and it spent the next few hours slowly dripping out.  Yep, it was fun.  Anyways, she explained that once we get a fetal heartbeat (God willing this works) then we may be able to switch to a suppository.  Either way, she marked my back on where K should give the shots, explained things to watch/call her for.  She talked about the estrogen patches, the Medrol (to help keep my body from rejecting the embryo) and the doxycycline I'll have to take around transfer as well.

I sat there with ovaries that felt like melons and listened to this, and it really made everything feel real.  I was nervous, nervous that there wouldn't be any eggs, nervous that all this won't work.

Then they took me back to my pre op room, did all my vitals, got in my IV.  I walked to the OR and climbed up on the bed.  The Nurse Anesthetist gave me the first of 2 drugs and I felt a little happy woozy.  Then they got my arms in position, my legs in position.  I remember the Anesthetist mentioning something about the next med, and the last 2 things I remember was the RE coming in and two nurses talking about the leg stirrup thing being loose.  The next thing I remember is waking up back in my pre-op room.

They caught 25 eggs.  I was sore, came home and napped, but feeling pretty good now.  I get one more night of no shots, then I start the PIO tomorrow night.  I will find out tomorrow morning how many eggs were mature, and the fertilization report.  I will talk to the embryologist every day until my transfer, which will either be Thursday or Saturday.  This office advises no bed rest - basically they say it will work or it won't, and bed rest won't change that.

I'm praying for these little eggs, that by now should be my little embryo's, my little babies.  They let me keep my necklace on the whole time.  Let me tell you why this is important.

The first mothers day after our IVF back in 2008 failed, K got me this necklace.  It's the birthstone for our two little babies that never made it.  Our two little babies that made us PARENTS.  They have been here, watching over me this entire cycle.  They were there today, keeping their arms wrapped around my eggs, and will be there the day of transfer.

Just a few more days and I will be Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Hopefully in 3 weeks(ish) I will bet getting a blood test that tells me that I am pregnant.  I'm feeling vulnerable right now, and I just keeping praying to God that this is all meant to be, that this will be our second take home baby.

The joys of hormones

It was a rough weekend.  I was being a completely irrational human being, and I knew it but couldn't seem to stop myself.  K handled it pretty well, for the most part letting it go each time.  There were a few that upset him, and we fought a little, but nothing real bad.  I couldn't even tell you what about.  I just know that I'm taking everything he says personally, even though he's just being, well, him.  He tends to pick on me a lot, and when I'm hormonal I just don't take it well.  So normally I just struggle a little with it, but now it's like I can't seem to remember that he's just picking on me.

Last week at our counseling session we did 30 mins of one on one.  So K told me later that during his time she asked him how he could best support me through this.  He admitted that he could probably pick on me and mock me less.  She advised him that was a good idea.

One of his biggest defense mechanisms to stress is to be funny.  So, the more I get stressed and react negatively to his picking, the worse his picking gets.  Or is that just me thinking it's getting worse?  Who knows.

About 1/2 way through the day it got better.  Probably because I took a cat nap with bug (a late one as she didn't want to nap today).  So, that exhaustion hasn't gotten any better, that's for sure.  And it's not helping!!

Ah well, tis life.  Keep up with the suppression this week.  Hoping that AF shows her face around mid week, but I'm not holding my breath.  If she hasn't shown by Thursday I have to call the RE.  Otherwise, my baseline ultrasound is set for Friday morning, and I hopefully will start Stims Friday night.  Over the weekend K and I have to head to Indiana, my Uncle is doing our taxes.  Nana is watching Bug though, so we get two nights to us.  I think the timing is perfect, I think we could use it to try to refresh mid IVF cycle.

I did it

I got up the nerve and took the plunge. I made two consult appointments with RE's. August 16 and 17. I have one more to schedule, that I've heard good things about too, so will try to get that one scheduled soon.

We are nervous and excited. Even as I've struggled at times with being home without K, I know we can do it. We talked about it this last time he was home, and we are both feeling nervous but excited. We recognize the difficulties that we'll face with 2 (or more) and him gone a lot. We agreed that there is some concern, even a little fear, with both of us over the potential for multiples, but that will possibly just affect our decision on the number of embies we put back.

We have been discussing that he may try to look for a new job after his contract is up, something that will keep him home more. I hope that happens, but as of today, I'm ready to move forward and be a part time single parent of more than just my buggie.

If I can say this in the heat of her crazy, inconsolable teething, then I know it's right.

When I dialed the phone for the first one, I was shaking. I knew the leap we were taking by just making this call. I actually talked to a live person RIGHT AWAY. No phone tree, no picking options, nothing. It caught me off guard. She was SO nice, and said that after we talked to the doc they would request the records that he wants from our last RE back home. This is good, as the last RE charges a TON for me to get our med records. As she pointed out - things like K's SA they will re-do anyways if it's over a year old. Yes, it means that the initial visit will be without this information, but I remember lots, and have a lot still written down. I'll take it in that way for now.

After setting up the appointment, my heart started doing pitter patters. It was like it was preparing itself for this journey, but in a good way.

I can't believe that in just over a month we will be looking at heading down this path for baby number 2!

Secondary infertility, you will not win. We will overcome you, we will rise above, and even if we have failures along the way, we will be stronger than we were before. I have Primary infertility to thank for that. Once I got over your grief, and the curve balls you threw at me, I learned to stand taller, and take whatever comes my way.

After all, I do happen to love lemonade. Bring on the lemons!!!

Infertility.... in general

It sucks.  Infertility sucks.  Why is it that the one thing that I should be able to do naturally, I can't.  We can't.  There is something there that stops us.  The elephant in the room that at one time we never talked about, but now we do.  Which is good.  But..... that doesn't stop it from sucking.  It's feeling empty, it's feeling like you are failing.  It's being a part of a club that is exclusive but you don't want to join, you are made a member even when you fight it with all of your might.  The club, as it turns out, is larger than you would expect.  According to the CDC, there are 430 clinics in the US to treat those of us infertiles. 

The numbers are staggering, approximately 10% of women, or 6.1 million of us between the ages of 15-44 have difficulty getting or staying pregnant. 

Wow.  That's a lot.

7.5% of sexually active men have reported a visit to help with concieving a child.  Of those, 18.1% were diagnosed with a male related infertility problem.  Wow, that's what we fall into.

I don't want to be in that category.  I don't want to be one of those statistics.  Can't I give it back?  I want to!  I don't like being here!  It sucks, the sign on the club door should tell us to stay away, but we can't, it's like an invisible force that draws us in. 

The want to be parents. 

For me, it was almost a need.  It was the culmination of everything that I made right in my life after all that I had done wrong.  It was my opportunity to show the world that I made it to where I wanted to be, and I was going to be able to raise a child to be a good person.

So why did the universe have other idea's in mind?  Why did I have to fall in that statistic?  Did I mention that I don't want to be a statistic?  Especially part of this one! 

Infertility broke me.  It made me become the person that I never wanted to be.  I became the adult version of my teenage years because I didn't know how to handle it, and no one around me understood except for Kev, and he was dealing with his own issues because of it all.  We tried to help each other, but how do you help each other when you don't know how to help yourselves?  It's virtually impossible.

So, I found myself a support group after we started going through treatment.  They were a great group of women, very supportive, and all dealing with the same thing.  The big IF.  Here is my first post after our cancelled cycle:

I think I'm just looking for someone to commiserate with. We are going through IVF due to severe male infertility due to a medical condition DH had as a baby. There's nothing they can do to fix the numbers. I waited for a year before getting us checked, and that was only after months of DH urging that we needed to. He knew, I didn't want to accept it. Then another six months of going to Andrologist to see what we could do. Finally we moved on to the FC for IVF with ICSI. Started my first cycle, had to cancel two days before retrieval. RE told me that if he gave me the Hcg that I would be in the hospital. I had 60+ follicles with my estrogen at 5500 already, and none were mature enough to take. By the time we would have had some, there would have been 20+ mature and ready, and god only knows what my estrogen would have been at. I love my RE, and I understand why he cancelled, but that doesn't stop the hurt over it. We've been dealing with all this, and I had such a hard time with the Lupron/Repronex mix. He said he would have to change it, but he wasn't sure what he was going to do yet. He said give it 6 - 8 wks for my ovaries to cool down. Depressing. Any one else in the middle of it right now??!! It just Sucks!!!!

 

The support I got from the women over at mothering.com was amazing.  They deserve kudos.  But I didn't let them, a counselor, or even Kev and my friends and family help me as I should have let them.  Some of them didn't know how to or what to do, but I didn't help them to help me.  I became a shell of a person.

 

So, after our first cancellation we agreed to try again.  We just had to wait for AF (aunt flo) to show up.  Which she did amazingly quickly.  We called the RE, they had discussed my case wihin the clinic and had come up with a way to change my cycle.  It was an adjustment to the meds.  So I went into round 2 with a new level of hope.  Thoughts that it would work this time around.  After all, it couldn't keep failing, could it?

Infertility - not part 3

So, we have begun the thought process of baby number 2.  At first we didn't know if we wanted another, but now we realize that we do.  We have had the talk a couple of times now about how we are going to go about it.  Here are our options as we have discussed so far:

AUI/IUI with Donor Sperm
IVF with ICSI

Now, here's the problem.  As you have begun to learn from my first posts about IF, it is a LONG and difficult road.  IVF tore me into teeny tiny little pieces of the human being that I once was.  It left me a figment of my imagination, a fragmented dream.  It took my heart out of my chest and stomped on it then threw it in the gutter.  It washed my soul in vinegar.  It was bad, bad, bad.

So, why would I consider it again?

I've asked myself that question so many times.  First, because I really want Kev to have a biological baby.  I think to myself that I have one child now, so maybe it'll make the second time around better.  Am I delusional?  Sometimes I think so.  I have no idea how it will be.  I have no idea if it will be easier or more difficult because I will have to care for a child while dealing with the side affects of the hormones.  Not to mention the money aspect.  Thousands and thousands of dollars for IVF, where AUI/IUI's can be less than $1000 (not sure how much donor sperm costs though). 

Either way, we need to find an RE again as our other one was back in Toledo and now we live in Indianapolis.  There are lots of choices here, and I have to start thinking about it seriously soon.

We decided we wanted the kids to be somewhere between 1 and 2 years apart.  That means we have to start seeking help around Bug's first birthday.

OMG.  We are halfway there.  Deep breaths.  Am I ready to go through this again?

I must be, it's started to consume my thoughts.  The birth board that I am a part of has so many women already pregnant again, and I am jealous.  Happy for them, but jealous.  Crazy, I know!  Bug is only 6 months old! 

But I LOVED being pregnant.  I even loved labor and delivery!  No, I'm not a glutton for punishment, to me it was just the most beautiful thing I have ever been through.  I want to make it longer before I get the epidural this time, I want to use a mirror and watch the babies head crown this time. 

So, I looked up the clinics in the area.  I want to get their stats, see who has more experience dealing with MFI (male factor infertility).  I want to meet the docs and see what they have to say.  I want to explore the options and the costs.

But we can't decide which route to go.  How do you make that decision?  Try IVF once and if it doesn't work get some donor sperm and do IUI/AUI?  Or keep it cheaper and go right to IUI/AUI? 

Groan.

This is a life changing and very charged decision to make.  IVF failure almost ruined our marriage and us as people the first time around (or first three times).  So I ask myself again, do I think we can handle it?

We agreed we will start counseling right away and stick with it until the conclusion of any treatment we go through, and beyond if necessary.  We have grown as individuals and learned how to deal with hardships, and how to keep the lines of communication open. 

And we have one beautiful, loving, perfect little girl. 

So it will be easier to deal with IVF this time, right?