Adulthood

Tonight my maternity leave draws to an end.  

I'm sad.

In a lot of ways I look forward to going back to work, to having adult conversations with all different people, being productive in a work environment.  Yes, I even have to admit that it is nice to know that I won't be holding a screaming baby all day.

But.

I don't want to go back.  I don't want to be an adult again, I want to stay home and play with my babies.  I want to lavish them with love and remember not to get frustrated even if I'm tired (read exhausted).  I want to watch them grow up, watch Bug be a little mama to her brother, and watch all of Goose's firsts.  He started making noises this week, I mean other than crying.  He's really making chattering noises, and it's so cute and sweet.  

I don't want others raising my babies.  Especially not the daycare we are at.  We've been looking for another, but we don't HATE this one, and we can't find one that we like any better (that we can afford).  

Why can't we just be independently wealthy so that we can raise our babies ourselves, only work when we want to, and have an awesome part time nanny/babysitter for just when we need to get out of the house for a few hours?  I know, I'm dreaming, but I'll keep doing so.

K is a little nervous about me going back too.  He hasn't had both the kids by himself for any length of time since Goose has been born, and I know he recognizes it's hard.

Plus, Goose is a mama's boy.  I mean really, a huge mama's boy.  He cries and cries when anyone else is holding him, and tends to calm down when I hold him.  The other day my mom and K were commiserating about how Goose isn't all about them like he is me.  It's sweet and I love it, but I also wish he'd let others comfort him as well, as sometimes I could really really use the break.

So anyways, K is nervous.  He's going to do an amazing job as he's such a good daddy, but I understand his nerves (see paragraph above).  I already felt as though I didn't give Bug as much attention as I wanted to, and I imagine it won't be any easier for him as he learns his own ways to soothe Goose when I'm not around.

This is the end to a wonderful chapter in my life.  Unless God decides on a different type of miracle, we will not be having any more children.  So this is the last of the extended amount of time that I get to spend with my babies at home.  That makes me sad in so many ways.  

The tears haven't come yet, but I know they will.  Just as soon as it really really hits me.  I've been stressing about it, but I think I'm still trying to stay blind to the fact that I'm. Going. Back. To. Work. 

Boo.

Updates

So, we did see the infectious disease doc for Bug. He really made me feel SO much better about things. He agreed with my worry, that it was still part of the initial outbreak. He said that the antiviral will keep anything new from popping up while one is on it, but that when you come off of it you may still experience some symptoms as the illness finishes running it's course. Because she has had no other immune issues, he was in no way worried and advised that he didn't even want to do another round of the anti viral.

He reiterated that a huge percentage of people (like 80 or 90%) have the virus in their system by the time they're in their 20's or so. He spent a lot of time with us, going over Bug's history, checking her out and agreeing that the spots she had were herpes sores (the ped wasn't so sure), and just in general talking with us about herpes. It was interesting as he shared with us that there are some (unproven) schools of thought that when the initial outbreak is severe (as Bug's was), those people rarely exhibit symptoms again in their lifetime. I'm crossing my fingers that this is the case for Bug.

He also said that if a baby catches it at 4 weeks or less they treat very aggressively and immediately admit to the hospital. Goose was just shy of 4 weeks when Bug caught this, and luckily he never exhibited any symptoms. The doc explained that due to the fact that I obviously have the virus (I get cold sores rarely) and that he was still working with my immune system on top of breastfeeding probably saved him from catching it. Thank God. I was so worried, so scared, but it sounds like chances are he won't catch it at this point. Bug also seems to be getting over it for the most part, although I do find the starting of sores here and there but then they disappear in a day or so and never even 'explode' so to speak. So, I think we really are past the worst of it!!

On another note, I took Goose to a pediatric gastroenterologist this week to discuss his reflux issues. She wants him to have an upper GI, which I have to do yet, and she added a second dose of Prilosec in at night. We've been doing that for a couple of days and I think it's helping a bit, as long as I can get him to keep the dose down. His sleep for the last week has been horrible, but that could be a million things, after all, he is just shy of 9 weeks old.

Yep, that's what I said, he's 9 weeks old already! And at his GI appointment he weighed in at a whooping 12 pounds flat. He is my oinker, that's for sure!!!

Yep, I've spent a lot of this maternity leave dealing with medical issues. **sigh** I think it's a bit of a blessing that I was on leave for a lot of this though.

Budget

I'm a little stressed.  We move at the end of this month to our new rental house, which is about 2x the rent we are currently paying.  We don't have any renters in our house back home yet.  We still owe the hospital for our delivery in July (long story, but it was the hospitals fault, they basically forgot about our account, and who were we to complain?  Stupid me had to bring it back up to them... trying to do the right thing.... ugh), so we are going to start payments to them soon.  K's newest student loans are going to come back soon for payment.  And now we want to start fertility treatments again, specifically expensive IVF.

Ugh.

I know we will pull through, I'm just feeling a little crazed about it right now.  We are really good with our money, but it's hard when the budget says you won't be saving much of anything to speak of.  This will change a little once we get renters in the house, which we are hoping will be soon.  But the problem is the first two months of rent will pretty much go to the management company, so we won't see much until month 3. 

Argh.  Well, I'm a good budgeter/saver, and I know this so I know I can make it happen, but that doesn't help the stress level.  Especially since I can't control how much K spends when he's travelling.

On a good note, I called the Ped about Bug and her horrible sleeping the other day, and he thought it might be because we were trying to wean her off her reflux meds.  So, I upped the nighttime dosage and went back to giving her her morning dosage, and guess what?  The last two nights she has slept SOOOOO much better!!!  Woo Hoo! 

Which means Mama has slept better, which makes for a happy mama, and a healthier Starbucks budget :-)