I promise I'm still here! It's been crazy around here for a bit. Kev has been working, so that's been crazy.
Bug was sick, poor little thing. She had pneumonia! It's really scary when they get that sick. Luckily she didn't have to go to the hospital or anything, but her left lung was pretty full. Luckily we caught it in time and a round of antibiotics did the trick. She is a reflux baby, and it seems as though she is fighting congestion constantly because of it. I always know to give it a week. So I did. But then at the end of the week none of our tricks or meds were helping, and she seemed to be getting worse. So I took her in and the pneumonia was there! UGH. But, she's feeling SO much better now!
My mom (nana) was in town this weekend. We were having my uncle do our taxes, but he only got hers done, boo. Oh well, I'll get ours done later I guess! But it was nice because Mom helped quite a bit around the house getting things done that were in dire need of being done, and we got to see some family. My cousin has two little one's, the youngest is not quite a week older than Bug. It was so neat to see the differences between the two. My Bug has some chunky cheeks! As it turns out, just like her mama had when I was little. A family friend posted a picture of me on FB, I mighta been around 5, and Bug is a duplicate! She really is my mini me! I always knew she was, but that just made it seem that much more obvious.
I bring up Eats on Feets because my freezer became full again. So, I contacted the mama that I donate to for little S, and offered her up some milk. Turns out, her freezer was full too! YIKES! She's been doing really well with her breastfeeding, and only needing to supplement an ounce or two every feeding. I am SO happy for her! But with that being said, my freezer started to bust at the seems, so I had to find me another mama in need of donations! I had received a message back at the beginning of the year, right after I had donated quite a bit to S, from a couple of mama's. There had been one that had been working on getting her supply up, and her daughter, B, was about the same age as S. (OK, that's a lot of letters, are you keeping them all straight?!) So, I contacted her and asked if she was still in need of donor milk. She was, and was very happy that I had contacted her! It took us about 2 weeks to meet up, as she lives about an hour and 1/2 away. But, this weekend we did it. They were driving up on their way through to do a family function.
So, have I mentioned before that donating milk feels like a drug deal going down? Because if I haven't, it does.
So, we planned on meeting in the parking lot at Starbucks near my home. I told her to let me know when they were about 40 mins out, so that I could gather up the milk. She did, and so I pulled ALL the milk out of the freezer, bagged the oldest for her, but the newest on the very bottom, and the oldest that was left in the drawer of the deep freeze. This way it is easier to reach and doesn't get buried underneath the newest that I freeze daily. So, it was nice out and my mom had just made it into town. We bundled up Bug, and walked up to Starbucks.
When we were just about there, I texted her and let her know so. As we are walking through the parking lot, this man starts walking towards us with a smile on his face. As he gets closer, he waves, so we wave back. 'I wonder if that's her husband' I say to my mom. So he calls out 'Are you Mandi?' I say 'I sure am, you must be S's hubby, I'm sorry, I don't know your name!' He laughed and introduced himself, then took the cooler and one bag from my mom to carry the rest of the way to their car. When we made it, S and I gave each other a big hug. It's such an experience to do this. We gave them the bags of milk and they quickly put it in a cooler. We chatted for a bit and even laughed about how it felt like a drug deal. After all, it is liquid gold!
We also talked about how it was that some mom's could make so much milk (me) and others don't make enough. As she pointed out - at least some of us that do make an abundance are willing to donate it to those that do not! We chit chatted for a bit longer, and then she got on the road with a promise of more milk in the future.
One thing that was different about this one was she insisted on sending me some milk bags. I let her know clearly that it was not something that she had to do, as I was going to buy the bags, pump the milk and freeze it regardless. But, I also said, I wouldn't turn them down. So I got a message a couple of days later asking for my address so that she could have some shipped to me from Amazon. I haven't received them yet, but it is such a sweet thought on her part that she would be willing to send them my way to help out.
Needless to say, I cleaned out over 400 ounces from my freezer. Then I brought home all the stuff that was backing up my work freezer (oops LOL). I'll bet that it doesn't take me but another 2 weeks to replace all I gave away. Wow. Guess my two mama's will get an offer of milk at the end of the month/beginning of April!!
So, Kev and I are going to Toledo this weekend to get the house ready to rent out. The economy is so bad there that we cannot sell it (even though it's got so much going for it!!). Everyone wants to offer so much less than we owe, and the bank won't agree to take it. Ugh. So, rent it out we will do. But, of course, being a pilots wife.... we had to change our plans up. I was going to go tomorrow, but now not until Saturday. I'm taking some time off the beginning of the week to take care of things here after we get it all here. Ick. Should be fun ha ha.
Another day down, and my little bug is almost 8 months old! I can't believe it!
Here's to a happy and healthy day :-)
Emms
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Infertility, the IVF Final Chapter
I've been trying to figure out when to put this one out, and I know when I do I will forget a lot. Because I don't want to read it over after I have written it. I just want to get it out there. Really, when to put the words in writing that will be very difficult for me. The hardest chapter, one that had lasting consequences. Tough, life altering consequences. After this post I will update on the after effects of what happened, and how it all got fixed.
So, here goes.
It all starts in May, 2008. I talk to my RE's office on May 19. They tell me we're changing the meds protocol, again. The fact that I responded to the antagonist protocol the way I did made them want to go back to a Lupron cycle. So they tell me that we'll extend the amount of time on BCP's, then up the dose of Lupron (suppression) and keep a low dose of repronex (stims). Then, they will start in with ultrasounds and blood work on day 3 instead of day 5, and keep a close eye on me. Apparently my case had become quite the talk of the office.
So now, I just have to wait for AF to rear her ugly head. We feel hopeful, but scared. After what we'd been through we wanted to remain cautious, but optimistic. So AF comes on June 5.
Let's get this party started. I start taking the BCP's.
June 13 I start my Lupron. As before, the side effects are horrendous. But I'm getting better (slightly) at dealing with them.
Baseline u/s looks good (did I mention that all of these u/s are trans vaginal? I've never let so many people look at my vagina as I did during this time. Hello to the world she seemed to be saying).
June 27 I start stimming. I get more and more hopeful. This is it, I think to myself. It has to work this time! The odds are in our favor!
June 30 I have blood work. My estrogen levels look good! Wow, I breath a little sigh of relief.
July 2 I have more b/w and another u/s. We are looking at somewhere around 30+ follies, and my estrogen levels still look great. Oh man, oh man, we're looking better than ever before!!
July 5 my b/w and u/s look great. They are talking about Egg Retrieval (ER) and Embryo Transfer (ET). Oh my, we've never really talked about those before. Could this really be it?! They mention maybe triggering on the 8th.
K and I can't help but to be excited, happy, and nervous. We have no idea what to expect at this point. No clue, but we just KNOW it will work, as do friends on my online community. After all we've been through, this is our cycle, we just know it. Our hopes are so high, we forget to keep them in check so that they can't come crashing down. Every infertile does it. They let themselves get so caught up in believing that this cycle will be it. HOPE. We cannot help but to hope. It's a necessity to have during this struggle, but it is also what breaks us down. With it we're broken, but without it we are nothing.
July 7 we have our last u/s and b/w. My estrogen is at 3100 which is a good number. I have 10 great looking follies. They tell me that they'll call me later with date and time for trigger, but it'll probably be July 8.
Somewhere in all of this we did a mock transfer with the doc. It went smooth. He feels that my uterus is beautiful and perfect. Never thought I'd be so glad to hear that!
Wait, did you just say Trigger? We've not gotten to do this yet! Panic mode! We don't know how! It's more meds, and it has to be in the hip area, right?! Isn't that what we remember from our IVF training? Oh man oh man oh man. Deep breathing. Slow down.
The call comes. Trigger tonight (July 7) at 11:30pm. Come in for the ER at 10:00 am on 7/9. But that morning, you have to POAS and make sure it comes back positive. Ohhhhhh my, it's happening. It's really really happening.
K and I are in tears we are so happy. That night he has to wake me up and give me the shot. Painful? A little, but almost a relief. We stop everything else. Now we let my body do it's thing and hopefully they'll get out a lot of little eggies!
Making it through July 8 was just about impossible. I couldn't concentrate at work. All I could do was picture what my body was doing, and what my little eggies would do in their petri dish.
July 9 is a crazy day. I get to the docs office and they take us back to a room. They give me an IV, which the nurse manages to screw up and blood is shooting all over the wall and the floor. I won't watch. They give me two drugs, one is waking anesthesia and the other is a relaxer. It works pretty quick and I'm feeling laid back. About this time K has to leave the room. They lay me back and get the ultrasound going. They take a very long, ugly looking needle and go in through my vagina, and through my uterine wall. I know it would hurt if I could feel anything. I pass out for a little bit (from the meds) and wake up to watch them on the u/s. I can see them going into each follie and pulling out my eggs. My future babies.
Poor K has to give two samples because they get so little usable sperm from the first. We try not to let this stress us out. I relax the rest of the day and wait for the next days update call.
14 eggs were removed. 11 were fertilized. 1 fertilized abnormally. That left 10. 'That's a great number' we keep thinking. Every day we get a status report, and while some are slow growing, we have 2 that look like prime candidates for transfer, and another 2-3 that look good for freezing. Our hopes grow. This is really happening! We're going to be pregnant!!
We go in for the transfer. I have to have a full bladder. It's so full that it's painful. Kev gets to stay in the room with me this time. They turn on the u/s machine and take a catheter tube with our two best embies and transfer them back into my body. I lay back for about 20 minutes, until I think my bladder may explode. They give us a couple of ultrasound pictures of those little embies doing their thing, and we pray, harder than we've ever prayed, that they will implant. At least one. For the next two weeks I have to use progesterone vaginal suppositories. They are unpleasant, but I don't care. If it means I get pregnant, I'll do anything.
We forget the u/s pictures at the office. I cry.
I take 4 days off to remain on bed rest. I barely move, except to go to the bathroom and get food when Kev isn't there. I play on the computer, I watch TV and movies. I relax. I have some strange cramping, but the doc says that is normal. On the second day the office calls and tells me that 3 embies will make it to freeze. They say they will call back once they are frozen. This is not the normal person that called with all of my lab updates, so when I don't here back 2 days later, I call them. Oh no, they tell me, none of your embies made it to freeze, we're so sorry, the tech must have gotten two cases mixed up.
This is when everything begins to unravel for me. I'm heartbroken. They said those embies looked so good. I let myself go down the path of ' if they didn't make it, did the two they transplanted make it?' It was tough.
I try not to think about it. I try to live as normal a life as possible in the remainder of the TWW (two week wait). I drive myself crazy with every little sign that could mean AF or pregnancy. Why does mother nature treat us cruelly by making the symptoms all the same?
Then I spot. I feel broken. I call the office. 'Don't worry' they tell me, 'that happens sometimes, could be implantation bleeding' But I worry. How can I not? After all we've been through, all the emotional and financial strain. What if this doesn't work?
July 25, 2008 comes. This is my beta (blood test) to see if it worked. I'm nervous. I go get my blood taken in the morning. I tell K when they call me with the results I'll conference him in. The next hours drag by slower than anything I've ever been through.
The phone rings. And I know. I know the answer.
I answer the phone and quickly put the nurse on hold and call K.
'I'm sorry' she says to us. 'You are not pregnant.'
July 25, 2008, the day my world fell apart. The day that the shell of a person I had become broke down into dust. The day I didn't even know if I could continue to live my life, knowing that my embies, my perfect LIVING little babies, died.
Two years, to the day, before I became whole again with the birth of my beautiful daughter.
I sit in my office and sob. I can't even talk to K I'm crying so hard. 'Come home' he tells me. I can tell he is heartbroken too. Once I calm down enough I walk into my bosses office and simply say 'I need to leave.' She takes one look at me and says Go. I know I look like death warmed over.
I beat K home. I can't go in the house. The empty, silent house. That should have been filled with baby cries in 38 more weeks. We go shopping instead. We go out to dinner that night. We are broken and I don't feel well, but I can't go home.
That weekend we get a hotel room. We try to relax some. But AF comes. Harder than she ever has before, as I basically miscarry my two little babies. I practically sit on the toilet for hours because it is so heavy, and the clots are huge, and I hurt so bad. Physically and emotionally. I cry. I cry for myself, I cry for Kev, I cry for my babies. I cry for the future that looks so bleak, and the possibilities that are no more. I cry because we have come so far, only to fail again.
Looking back now, this is probably when I began the blame game. The game I swore I would never let myself play. Blaming K for us going through IF. The 'it's his fault but I have to deal with all the meds, side effects and procedures.' Blaming myself for my embies not sticking. The 'my body rejected my beautiful little babies for no good reason.' Blaming everyone around me because they had never dealt with anything like infertility, and they didn't know how to comfort me. I refused to go back to counseling.
I spiral out of control. I start drinking too much. I start fighting with K. I tell him that when I look at him I see what he cannot give me, what we should be able to do naturally, and I can't stand it. I am a cruel cruel image of my former self. I hate the person I have become but I cannot stop it. I say things that I can never take back, and to this day I am so sorry for that. I wish I hadn't let that happen to me. I wish that I could have held myself together. I wish I could have realized what was happening and have gotten help for it. I'm not proud of the person I was during this time frame. In fact, this is the closest that I'll ever be able to honestly say I disliked myself. I did. But, it is another aspect of my life that made me the person I am today. I am so lucky that even after all that I put K through, that he was able to continue loving me. He is a strong strong man, and one that I will never, ever treat this way again. I can only thank God for him.
This is where I let Infertility ruin me. This is where I let Infertility win.
So, here goes.
It all starts in May, 2008. I talk to my RE's office on May 19. They tell me we're changing the meds protocol, again. The fact that I responded to the antagonist protocol the way I did made them want to go back to a Lupron cycle. So they tell me that we'll extend the amount of time on BCP's, then up the dose of Lupron (suppression) and keep a low dose of repronex (stims). Then, they will start in with ultrasounds and blood work on day 3 instead of day 5, and keep a close eye on me. Apparently my case had become quite the talk of the office.
So now, I just have to wait for AF to rear her ugly head. We feel hopeful, but scared. After what we'd been through we wanted to remain cautious, but optimistic. So AF comes on June 5.
Let's get this party started. I start taking the BCP's.
June 13 I start my Lupron. As before, the side effects are horrendous. But I'm getting better (slightly) at dealing with them.
Baseline u/s looks good (did I mention that all of these u/s are trans vaginal? I've never let so many people look at my vagina as I did during this time. Hello to the world she seemed to be saying).
June 27 I start stimming. I get more and more hopeful. This is it, I think to myself. It has to work this time! The odds are in our favor!
June 30 I have blood work. My estrogen levels look good! Wow, I breath a little sigh of relief.
July 2 I have more b/w and another u/s. We are looking at somewhere around 30+ follies, and my estrogen levels still look great. Oh man, oh man, we're looking better than ever before!!
July 5 my b/w and u/s look great. They are talking about Egg Retrieval (ER) and Embryo Transfer (ET). Oh my, we've never really talked about those before. Could this really be it?! They mention maybe triggering on the 8th.
K and I can't help but to be excited, happy, and nervous. We have no idea what to expect at this point. No clue, but we just KNOW it will work, as do friends on my online community. After all we've been through, this is our cycle, we just know it. Our hopes are so high, we forget to keep them in check so that they can't come crashing down. Every infertile does it. They let themselves get so caught up in believing that this cycle will be it. HOPE. We cannot help but to hope. It's a necessity to have during this struggle, but it is also what breaks us down. With it we're broken, but without it we are nothing.
July 7 we have our last u/s and b/w. My estrogen is at 3100 which is a good number. I have 10 great looking follies. They tell me that they'll call me later with date and time for trigger, but it'll probably be July 8.
Somewhere in all of this we did a mock transfer with the doc. It went smooth. He feels that my uterus is beautiful and perfect. Never thought I'd be so glad to hear that!
Wait, did you just say Trigger? We've not gotten to do this yet! Panic mode! We don't know how! It's more meds, and it has to be in the hip area, right?! Isn't that what we remember from our IVF training? Oh man oh man oh man. Deep breathing. Slow down.
The call comes. Trigger tonight (July 7) at 11:30pm. Come in for the ER at 10:00 am on 7/9. But that morning, you have to POAS and make sure it comes back positive. Ohhhhhh my, it's happening. It's really really happening.
K and I are in tears we are so happy. That night he has to wake me up and give me the shot. Painful? A little, but almost a relief. We stop everything else. Now we let my body do it's thing and hopefully they'll get out a lot of little eggies!
Making it through July 8 was just about impossible. I couldn't concentrate at work. All I could do was picture what my body was doing, and what my little eggies would do in their petri dish.
July 9 is a crazy day. I get to the docs office and they take us back to a room. They give me an IV, which the nurse manages to screw up and blood is shooting all over the wall and the floor. I won't watch. They give me two drugs, one is waking anesthesia and the other is a relaxer. It works pretty quick and I'm feeling laid back. About this time K has to leave the room. They lay me back and get the ultrasound going. They take a very long, ugly looking needle and go in through my vagina, and through my uterine wall. I know it would hurt if I could feel anything. I pass out for a little bit (from the meds) and wake up to watch them on the u/s. I can see them going into each follie and pulling out my eggs. My future babies.
Poor K has to give two samples because they get so little usable sperm from the first. We try not to let this stress us out. I relax the rest of the day and wait for the next days update call.
14 eggs were removed. 11 were fertilized. 1 fertilized abnormally. That left 10. 'That's a great number' we keep thinking. Every day we get a status report, and while some are slow growing, we have 2 that look like prime candidates for transfer, and another 2-3 that look good for freezing. Our hopes grow. This is really happening! We're going to be pregnant!!
We go in for the transfer. I have to have a full bladder. It's so full that it's painful. Kev gets to stay in the room with me this time. They turn on the u/s machine and take a catheter tube with our two best embies and transfer them back into my body. I lay back for about 20 minutes, until I think my bladder may explode. They give us a couple of ultrasound pictures of those little embies doing their thing, and we pray, harder than we've ever prayed, that they will implant. At least one. For the next two weeks I have to use progesterone vaginal suppositories. They are unpleasant, but I don't care. If it means I get pregnant, I'll do anything.
We forget the u/s pictures at the office. I cry.
I take 4 days off to remain on bed rest. I barely move, except to go to the bathroom and get food when Kev isn't there. I play on the computer, I watch TV and movies. I relax. I have some strange cramping, but the doc says that is normal. On the second day the office calls and tells me that 3 embies will make it to freeze. They say they will call back once they are frozen. This is not the normal person that called with all of my lab updates, so when I don't here back 2 days later, I call them. Oh no, they tell me, none of your embies made it to freeze, we're so sorry, the tech must have gotten two cases mixed up.
This is when everything begins to unravel for me. I'm heartbroken. They said those embies looked so good. I let myself go down the path of ' if they didn't make it, did the two they transplanted make it?' It was tough.
I try not to think about it. I try to live as normal a life as possible in the remainder of the TWW (two week wait). I drive myself crazy with every little sign that could mean AF or pregnancy. Why does mother nature treat us cruelly by making the symptoms all the same?
Then I spot. I feel broken. I call the office. 'Don't worry' they tell me, 'that happens sometimes, could be implantation bleeding' But I worry. How can I not? After all we've been through, all the emotional and financial strain. What if this doesn't work?
July 25, 2008 comes. This is my beta (blood test) to see if it worked. I'm nervous. I go get my blood taken in the morning. I tell K when they call me with the results I'll conference him in. The next hours drag by slower than anything I've ever been through.
The phone rings. And I know. I know the answer.
I answer the phone and quickly put the nurse on hold and call K.
'I'm sorry' she says to us. 'You are not pregnant.'
July 25, 2008, the day my world fell apart. The day that the shell of a person I had become broke down into dust. The day I didn't even know if I could continue to live my life, knowing that my embies, my perfect LIVING little babies, died.
Two years, to the day, before I became whole again with the birth of my beautiful daughter.
I sit in my office and sob. I can't even talk to K I'm crying so hard. 'Come home' he tells me. I can tell he is heartbroken too. Once I calm down enough I walk into my bosses office and simply say 'I need to leave.' She takes one look at me and says Go. I know I look like death warmed over.
I beat K home. I can't go in the house. The empty, silent house. That should have been filled with baby cries in 38 more weeks. We go shopping instead. We go out to dinner that night. We are broken and I don't feel well, but I can't go home.
That weekend we get a hotel room. We try to relax some. But AF comes. Harder than she ever has before, as I basically miscarry my two little babies. I practically sit on the toilet for hours because it is so heavy, and the clots are huge, and I hurt so bad. Physically and emotionally. I cry. I cry for myself, I cry for Kev, I cry for my babies. I cry for the future that looks so bleak, and the possibilities that are no more. I cry because we have come so far, only to fail again.
Looking back now, this is probably when I began the blame game. The game I swore I would never let myself play. Blaming K for us going through IF. The 'it's his fault but I have to deal with all the meds, side effects and procedures.' Blaming myself for my embies not sticking. The 'my body rejected my beautiful little babies for no good reason.' Blaming everyone around me because they had never dealt with anything like infertility, and they didn't know how to comfort me. I refused to go back to counseling.
I spiral out of control. I start drinking too much. I start fighting with K. I tell him that when I look at him I see what he cannot give me, what we should be able to do naturally, and I can't stand it. I am a cruel cruel image of my former self. I hate the person I have become but I cannot stop it. I say things that I can never take back, and to this day I am so sorry for that. I wish I hadn't let that happen to me. I wish that I could have held myself together. I wish I could have realized what was happening and have gotten help for it. I'm not proud of the person I was during this time frame. In fact, this is the closest that I'll ever be able to honestly say I disliked myself. I did. But, it is another aspect of my life that made me the person I am today. I am so lucky that even after all that I put K through, that he was able to continue loving me. He is a strong strong man, and one that I will never, ever treat this way again. I can only thank God for him.
This is where I let Infertility ruin me. This is where I let Infertility win.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The life of a Pilot's wife....
I know, crazy! Two posts in one day after almost 2 weeks!
So, I called Kev at lunch today and he didn't answer. So I turned my ringer up to hear it if he called back, and promptly forgot that I did so.
So, 3:00 rolls around and we have a weekly conference call with a lot of departments within my company in regards to expansion efforts. We have been talking, so we are NOT on mute. Can you see where this is going? Suddenly, out of nowhere, my phone rings, loudly, and the sounds of Uncle Kracker singing 'Smile' fill the room. Kev's ring tone. I hit mute on the conference phone and hurriedly ignore the call.
Oops.
The entire room erupts into laughter.
So, the meeting ends and I go listen to my voice mail.
'Man (one of his pet names for me), Um, I did what I wasn't supposed to do.' He sounds all forlorn, and after our conversation today where he told me first that we were moving to China with no internet or computer and then he said he was going to throw the computer out the window, so I got worried. I said he wasn't allowed to throw the computer out the window. Don't get me wrong, his frustrations with this computer are justified. However.
Can we all see where my thoughts went? His laptop just died and we need to buy a new one, please tell me he hasn't killed the desktop too!!!
Focus on the message Mandi. So I do. 'I answered the phone.' For a moment I think to myself 'why is that not OK?' Then my mind reminds me that I am a pilots wife. Answering the phone when you shouldn't means one thing. He has to work.
'And I have to fly out tonight.'
Oh man, I got him for less than a week! So I call him back, and luckily it's just for tonight. He should be back sometime tomorrow. Which is nice because afterwards I realized that I almost had to cancel going to my girls weekend. That woulda been a bummer! I'll fill you in on the Girls Weekend after it happens this weekend.
So, he was awesome. He had already called daycare and let them know that I would be there around 5ish instead of him picking her up around 3ish. He took the dog out so that I don't have to worry about it too much. Oh yeah, and he brought my keys to me at work as I forgot them this morning and therefore had a car key but no house key. That was why he got called, I just know it. It's like washing your car to ensure that it rains! I forgot my keys so he wouldn't be home!
Oh well, I do love my alone time with Bug. We do a lot of bonding :-)
So, I called Kev at lunch today and he didn't answer. So I turned my ringer up to hear it if he called back, and promptly forgot that I did so.
So, 3:00 rolls around and we have a weekly conference call with a lot of departments within my company in regards to expansion efforts. We have been talking, so we are NOT on mute. Can you see where this is going? Suddenly, out of nowhere, my phone rings, loudly, and the sounds of Uncle Kracker singing 'Smile' fill the room. Kev's ring tone. I hit mute on the conference phone and hurriedly ignore the call.
Oops.
The entire room erupts into laughter.
So, the meeting ends and I go listen to my voice mail.
'Man (one of his pet names for me), Um, I did what I wasn't supposed to do.' He sounds all forlorn, and after our conversation today where he told me first that we were moving to China with no internet or computer and then he said he was going to throw the computer out the window, so I got worried. I said he wasn't allowed to throw the computer out the window. Don't get me wrong, his frustrations with this computer are justified. However.
Can we all see where my thoughts went? His laptop just died and we need to buy a new one, please tell me he hasn't killed the desktop too!!!
Focus on the message Mandi. So I do. 'I answered the phone.' For a moment I think to myself 'why is that not OK?' Then my mind reminds me that I am a pilots wife. Answering the phone when you shouldn't means one thing. He has to work.
'And I have to fly out tonight.'
Oh man, I got him for less than a week! So I call him back, and luckily it's just for tonight. He should be back sometime tomorrow. Which is nice because afterwards I realized that I almost had to cancel going to my girls weekend. That woulda been a bummer! I'll fill you in on the Girls Weekend after it happens this weekend.
So, he was awesome. He had already called daycare and let them know that I would be there around 5ish instead of him picking her up around 3ish. He took the dog out so that I don't have to worry about it too much. Oh yeah, and he brought my keys to me at work as I forgot them this morning and therefore had a car key but no house key. That was why he got called, I just know it. It's like washing your car to ensure that it rains! I forgot my keys so he wouldn't be home!
Oh well, I do love my alone time with Bug. We do a lot of bonding :-)
Eats on Feets
I started to write this blog back on 2/9/11. Needless to say, I have been crazy busy. So here it is LOL.
Well, for the third time yesterday (2/8/11) I donated milk to a mama who BF's but doesn't make enough. I think I donated a couple hundred ounces yesterday, and that was after donating around 600 ounces the other two times. All 3 times I have donated to the same mama. Her sweet little daughter, S, is younger than Bug, but it is SO great knowing that I can share something with her little one that she cannot fully give herself.
Why would I donate one may ask? Why would someone use donated milk another may ask? In many parts of the world there are still wet nurses. What is so different? Yes, this mama and I found each other online, but that is it. We have met in person, I do not charge her for the milk, in fact, I ask for absolutely nothing in return. The feeling that I get being able to give another baby breastmilk instead of that baby having to drink formula is an amazing feeling. The first time we met, we met at Starbucks. Bug got hungry while we were waiting. So, as I sipped on my (decaf) tea, I NIP. Mama walked in to see me nursing Bug. I think that even helped make her feel comfortable, that much more a guarantee that Bug was getting the milk that I was sharing with S!
Don't get me wrong, I am not downing on formula. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it! I am just so happy that I can breastfeed, and even happier that I can help another mama that wants to exclusively feed breastmilk. In her case, they tried supplementing with formula and it gave S a lot of gastro problems. Since they have been supplementing with my breastmilk they have gotten rid of all of her gastro problems! That is amazing!
We get so many tests when we are pregnant, and this other mama knows that. I have been honest with her all around. Yes, I was drinking one cup of caffiene a day. Now I don't everyday, but whatever. Yes, I will have a glass of wine after Bug goes to bed sometimes. But you know what? I don't pump again until morning! One glass of wine is out of my system in about an hour, especially considering how much water I drink. So, if I'm not pumping until 8 hours later the wine is LONG gone. Don't forget that there are many theories that a glass of dark beer or wine at night actually help your supply! Yep, I take Zyrtec for allergies, and Fenugreek to make sure that I remain a crazy milk making mama. I still take a prenatal vitamin and a DHA supplement. She knows all of these things and is comfortable with them. Why? Because I breastfeed my own Bug. Bug is growing healthy and strong from my milk. If I can help nourish S, and make sure that she grows healthy and strong and is not in pain from gastro problems, why wouldn't I?
Forever I will know that I have helped a little one get what her mama feels is best for her, in her specific situation. I have had other options to give to other mama's, but this mama and I have a relationship now. I will give to her until she no longer wants it or has no more room for it. Then, and only then, will I offer my overstash to another mama.
On that note, I think it's about time to text them. My deep freeze is full again, I have no more room. Ahh the joys of sharing. The feeling of contentment knowing that I am doing right.
Oh yeah, it's about time to pump :-)
Well, for the third time yesterday (2/8/11) I donated milk to a mama who BF's but doesn't make enough. I think I donated a couple hundred ounces yesterday, and that was after donating around 600 ounces the other two times. All 3 times I have donated to the same mama. Her sweet little daughter, S, is younger than Bug, but it is SO great knowing that I can share something with her little one that she cannot fully give herself.
Why would I donate one may ask? Why would someone use donated milk another may ask? In many parts of the world there are still wet nurses. What is so different? Yes, this mama and I found each other online, but that is it. We have met in person, I do not charge her for the milk, in fact, I ask for absolutely nothing in return. The feeling that I get being able to give another baby breastmilk instead of that baby having to drink formula is an amazing feeling. The first time we met, we met at Starbucks. Bug got hungry while we were waiting. So, as I sipped on my (decaf) tea, I NIP. Mama walked in to see me nursing Bug. I think that even helped make her feel comfortable, that much more a guarantee that Bug was getting the milk that I was sharing with S!
Don't get me wrong, I am not downing on formula. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it! I am just so happy that I can breastfeed, and even happier that I can help another mama that wants to exclusively feed breastmilk. In her case, they tried supplementing with formula and it gave S a lot of gastro problems. Since they have been supplementing with my breastmilk they have gotten rid of all of her gastro problems! That is amazing!
We get so many tests when we are pregnant, and this other mama knows that. I have been honest with her all around. Yes, I was drinking one cup of caffiene a day. Now I don't everyday, but whatever. Yes, I will have a glass of wine after Bug goes to bed sometimes. But you know what? I don't pump again until morning! One glass of wine is out of my system in about an hour, especially considering how much water I drink. So, if I'm not pumping until 8 hours later the wine is LONG gone. Don't forget that there are many theories that a glass of dark beer or wine at night actually help your supply! Yep, I take Zyrtec for allergies, and Fenugreek to make sure that I remain a crazy milk making mama. I still take a prenatal vitamin and a DHA supplement. She knows all of these things and is comfortable with them. Why? Because I breastfeed my own Bug. Bug is growing healthy and strong from my milk. If I can help nourish S, and make sure that she grows healthy and strong and is not in pain from gastro problems, why wouldn't I?
Forever I will know that I have helped a little one get what her mama feels is best for her, in her specific situation. I have had other options to give to other mama's, but this mama and I have a relationship now. I will give to her until she no longer wants it or has no more room for it. Then, and only then, will I offer my overstash to another mama.
On that note, I think it's about time to text them. My deep freeze is full again, I have no more room. Ahh the joys of sharing. The feeling of contentment knowing that I am doing right.
Oh yeah, it's about time to pump :-)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Infertility Emotional Effects
Something I wish I had known when I was struggling with IF, from the beginning. The second time around of trying to get pg will be so different. I know better what to expect. Unfortunately when I was in the middle of it, the depths of it, I didn't know. We got some counseling from someone who supposedly had experience. While she did have some, it was a situation where she tried for a few months, did one month of clomid and got pregnant. I really needed someone who had gone through IVF to better understand me. I'm not saying that she didn't go through a large range of emotions, but even she admitted that she couldn't understand exactly what I was dealing with. Never easy to hear coming from your counselor. Needless to say, it didn't last.
http://www.aolhealth.com/condition-center/pregnancy/infertility-emotional-effect
For those of you that have never dealt with infertility, here is a link that I will likely post again as we go through treatments again. It is Infertility Etiquette from Resolve.org. This is something that I swear I will print and pass out to everyone who knows that we are going through treatment. I will hang it in my office and on my fridge as I did the first time around when I was going through IVF. It is a great resource on how to help you understand what infertiles are dealing with. If you know an infertile, it may even be what helps you to be a good friend to them. Enjoy.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
http://www.aolhealth.com/condition-center/pregnancy/infertility-emotional-effect
For those of you that have never dealt with infertility, here is a link that I will likely post again as we go through treatments again. It is Infertility Etiquette from Resolve.org. This is something that I swear I will print and pass out to everyone who knows that we are going through treatment. I will hang it in my office and on my fridge as I did the first time around when I was going through IVF. It is a great resource on how to help you understand what infertiles are dealing with. If you know an infertile, it may even be what helps you to be a good friend to them. Enjoy.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Monday, February 7, 2011
Infertility, Part 3
Short recap - we agreed to do IVF with ICSI, went through all the injections, everything was cancelled 2 days prior to ER due to OHSS.
So, picking up where we left off... I finally received a call from the RE advising that the RE's in the office had discussed my case. Apparently my case was the talk of the table so to speak. They had made a decision to change my meds protocal to an Antegon cycle. This works a little differently than a Lupron cycle, in that they are not going to stop my body from ovulating right away. Instead, they are going to wait until I have so many follies hit a certain size and THEN start the Antegon and therefore stop the impending ovulation. The point here is to kill off the smaller follies, thereby having less come mature. It's a great concept, right?
So, we have to wait for my next cycle. The wait seems endless, but we are renewed with hope. New Meds, it'll work this time, right?
In so many ways I was secretly hoping AF wouldn't come, hoping that I would be magically pregnant. That somehow one egg lived through my killing of them by Lupron, and managed to hit that tiny minimal margin of us being able to get pregnant on our own. Ouch, that's a hard wish in an infertile's shoes. And one that every infertile knows all too well, one that we all wish month after month after month. Only to be let down, again, when she rears her ugly head.
And she did. I was sad, but in other ways glad, because it meant we could get started again! So, onto the birth control pills I go, started a week before my birthday in April 2008. (Does anyone else think it's SO funny that when going through infertility treatments you start with BCP's, which are meant to KEEP you from getting pregnant? Ohhh the irony.) I hang on the BCP's for a little over a week this time. Then I start the Repronex (stims) just a few days after my birthday. This happens after an ultrasound to verify that my ovaries 'cooled off' enough to start again, which they did.
Ohhh the Repronex. The food for my little eggies. The injection that the first time around made me one big welt. So, they start me right off on a low dose of it. A dose so low that the RE advises that most people's eggies wouldn't live. It's all good though, because I'm cautiously optimistic.
So, an ultrasound on day 5 of the stims. My eggies seem to like this way so far, yep, they seem to be thriving in this environment. But not too much! My numbers are a little high we find, but not too bad. They say keep doing what you're doing, continue with the Repronex only, and we'll see you back in 2 days.
No Antagon yet?
No, they tell me. Why not? Well, my biggest eggies were not quite big enough to start the Antagon. A couple more days, and those should be good, and we'll start the Antagon. Two more days should be FINE they say. No worries about ovulating.
So 2 days pass, and I go back in for more bloodwork and an ultrasound. I'm getting uncomfortable for sure, but NOTHING like what I was the first time around. I'm thinking this is good, right?!
Except.
I know, you're thinking 'nothing can go wrong this time, can it?' I know we were. The odds had to be in our favor this time, right? I'm happy, and floating on a cloud of optimism.
But it was not to be. Again.
They call me with my lab results. An LH surge they say. What's that? I ask them. Well, it means you're ovulating. Those little eggies, all those immature little eggies, are doing there thing. What they're supposed to do of course, but they weren't supposed to do it this early. Now it's too late to do the Antegon. Now it's another cancelled cycle.
*sigh*
So many tears. We still DTD, even though I hurt so bad, just in case. Maybe one egg was mature enough and it would work. Maybe. Maybe.
So, first cycle was cancelled 2/23, second one almost 2 months to the day on 4/24. My heart breaks a little more, my mind shuts off a little further. Why, oh why I ask anyone who knows and will listen. Why is this happening? We've done things right! We got married, bought a house, finished school, THEN and only then did we decide to try for a family. So now, we've been married just shy of 6 years, and a family seems so far off that it is only an unattainable dream. We've officially been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. 2 long, hard years.
So we take another weekend away. And AF rears her ugly head again, this month she is really horrendous, like she is laughing at me as she is busy dashing my hopes and dreams for what seems like the millionth time by now. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away for the rest of forever. I have to take the time to mourn what could have been, and that is so hard, so very very hard. I am a miserable human being. I don't know how to make it through this in one piece. I envy those with children, and find myself judging people that had an easy time making babies. Fertiles. Here I am, part of this club of infertiles, and I don't want to be here.
So, picking up where we left off... I finally received a call from the RE advising that the RE's in the office had discussed my case. Apparently my case was the talk of the table so to speak. They had made a decision to change my meds protocal to an Antegon cycle. This works a little differently than a Lupron cycle, in that they are not going to stop my body from ovulating right away. Instead, they are going to wait until I have so many follies hit a certain size and THEN start the Antegon and therefore stop the impending ovulation. The point here is to kill off the smaller follies, thereby having less come mature. It's a great concept, right?
So, we have to wait for my next cycle. The wait seems endless, but we are renewed with hope. New Meds, it'll work this time, right?
In so many ways I was secretly hoping AF wouldn't come, hoping that I would be magically pregnant. That somehow one egg lived through my killing of them by Lupron, and managed to hit that tiny minimal margin of us being able to get pregnant on our own. Ouch, that's a hard wish in an infertile's shoes. And one that every infertile knows all too well, one that we all wish month after month after month. Only to be let down, again, when she rears her ugly head.
And she did. I was sad, but in other ways glad, because it meant we could get started again! So, onto the birth control pills I go, started a week before my birthday in April 2008. (Does anyone else think it's SO funny that when going through infertility treatments you start with BCP's, which are meant to KEEP you from getting pregnant? Ohhh the irony.) I hang on the BCP's for a little over a week this time. Then I start the Repronex (stims) just a few days after my birthday. This happens after an ultrasound to verify that my ovaries 'cooled off' enough to start again, which they did.
Ohhh the Repronex. The food for my little eggies. The injection that the first time around made me one big welt. So, they start me right off on a low dose of it. A dose so low that the RE advises that most people's eggies wouldn't live. It's all good though, because I'm cautiously optimistic.
So, an ultrasound on day 5 of the stims. My eggies seem to like this way so far, yep, they seem to be thriving in this environment. But not too much! My numbers are a little high we find, but not too bad. They say keep doing what you're doing, continue with the Repronex only, and we'll see you back in 2 days.
No Antagon yet?
No, they tell me. Why not? Well, my biggest eggies were not quite big enough to start the Antagon. A couple more days, and those should be good, and we'll start the Antagon. Two more days should be FINE they say. No worries about ovulating.
So 2 days pass, and I go back in for more bloodwork and an ultrasound. I'm getting uncomfortable for sure, but NOTHING like what I was the first time around. I'm thinking this is good, right?!
Except.
I know, you're thinking 'nothing can go wrong this time, can it?' I know we were. The odds had to be in our favor this time, right? I'm happy, and floating on a cloud of optimism.
But it was not to be. Again.
They call me with my lab results. An LH surge they say. What's that? I ask them. Well, it means you're ovulating. Those little eggies, all those immature little eggies, are doing there thing. What they're supposed to do of course, but they weren't supposed to do it this early. Now it's too late to do the Antegon. Now it's another cancelled cycle.
*sigh*
So many tears. We still DTD, even though I hurt so bad, just in case. Maybe one egg was mature enough and it would work. Maybe. Maybe.
So, first cycle was cancelled 2/23, second one almost 2 months to the day on 4/24. My heart breaks a little more, my mind shuts off a little further. Why, oh why I ask anyone who knows and will listen. Why is this happening? We've done things right! We got married, bought a house, finished school, THEN and only then did we decide to try for a family. So now, we've been married just shy of 6 years, and a family seems so far off that it is only an unattainable dream. We've officially been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. 2 long, hard years.
So we take another weekend away. And AF rears her ugly head again, this month she is really horrendous, like she is laughing at me as she is busy dashing my hopes and dreams for what seems like the millionth time by now. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide away for the rest of forever. I have to take the time to mourn what could have been, and that is so hard, so very very hard. I am a miserable human being. I don't know how to make it through this in one piece. I envy those with children, and find myself judging people that had an easy time making babies. Fertiles. Here I am, part of this club of infertiles, and I don't want to be here.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Hodge Podge
I have been moody for the past two days. Today is so ugh worthy it's unbelievable. But for no good reason! I mean, got some stress going on at work, and Kev is about to leave on Sunday again; probably for 2 weeks. But I shouldn't be so UGH!!!
So, he's sending me out for a beer after work. So out I go. Just for one beer (well, probably a glass of wine) then home to him and Bug and pizza for dinner. Ahh, that sounds so nice. Plus he promised me a bath this weekend.
Maybe it's the mix of the stress at work, plus the illness of a long time family friend. This couple, O and A, have been in my life since before I was born. They are great people. O is in her late 60's I think, and A is in his 70's. Well, A has been sick for a long time, and recently developed an infection in both valves of his heart. He is in the hospital back in Toledo, and I have been advised that they are just making him comfortable now. That sucks. Especially as I don't see how I can make it to see him since Kev flies out on Sunday. It's a long drive there, and back, especially with a baby that's on a very tight schedule. :-( Sad times.
Plus my apartment complex has me furious. They were SO unprepared for this ice storm that we got it isn't even funny. They dug the office out, but haven't dug out any of the other sidewalks through out the entire complex!! People that have shovels are digging themselves out! Then, they ran out of salt and can't get any more until Tuesday!!!! The entire walkways are sheets of ice. I've been lucky and haven't fallen yet, but I did slip on my way out this morning and kept a hold on Bug's carseat, but slipped enough that it hit the ice with a thud and slid into a parked car (that was parked in a no parking zone) before I managed to right myself. I'm SO pissed. Especially as yesterday the sun heated the ice up enough that when people walked they were breaking through versus staying on top of the ice. Which means they could have gone out and shoveled! PLUS, they closed the office for 2 days - even though 3 of them live in the complex - because the County said not to drive. But they couldn't walk to work, oh no, mind you, they won't do what they expect the residents to do!! What do I pay them for?!
I left a message for the manager this morning around 9:30 or so, it's now almost 2:00 and have not received a call back yet.
I emailed the corporate office out of TN.
Oh yeah, and I emailed a news station here.
Turns out, I'm not the only one who did either. One of my neighbors was able to name off 6 or so people that have fallen a total of 16 times since this storm on their ice filled side walks. Mind you, my work's sidewalks, daycare, the grocery store, everyone else managed to get theirs taken care of. UGH.
That's right. It's my daughters safety at stake here, I DON'T TAKE THAT LIGHTLY.
So Kev went out and bought sand to put on the sidewalk to gain traction, and I kindly let Corporate know that I would be taking the cost of that sand off of next months rent. Yep, because I pay them to take care of this, and if they don't and I have to, I'm not paying for it!!!
I think I'm done. For now.
So, he's sending me out for a beer after work. So out I go. Just for one beer (well, probably a glass of wine) then home to him and Bug and pizza for dinner. Ahh, that sounds so nice. Plus he promised me a bath this weekend.
Maybe it's the mix of the stress at work, plus the illness of a long time family friend. This couple, O and A, have been in my life since before I was born. They are great people. O is in her late 60's I think, and A is in his 70's. Well, A has been sick for a long time, and recently developed an infection in both valves of his heart. He is in the hospital back in Toledo, and I have been advised that they are just making him comfortable now. That sucks. Especially as I don't see how I can make it to see him since Kev flies out on Sunday. It's a long drive there, and back, especially with a baby that's on a very tight schedule. :-( Sad times.
Plus my apartment complex has me furious. They were SO unprepared for this ice storm that we got it isn't even funny. They dug the office out, but haven't dug out any of the other sidewalks through out the entire complex!! People that have shovels are digging themselves out! Then, they ran out of salt and can't get any more until Tuesday!!!! The entire walkways are sheets of ice. I've been lucky and haven't fallen yet, but I did slip on my way out this morning and kept a hold on Bug's carseat, but slipped enough that it hit the ice with a thud and slid into a parked car (that was parked in a no parking zone) before I managed to right myself. I'm SO pissed. Especially as yesterday the sun heated the ice up enough that when people walked they were breaking through versus staying on top of the ice. Which means they could have gone out and shoveled! PLUS, they closed the office for 2 days - even though 3 of them live in the complex - because the County said not to drive. But they couldn't walk to work, oh no, mind you, they won't do what they expect the residents to do!! What do I pay them for?!
I left a message for the manager this morning around 9:30 or so, it's now almost 2:00 and have not received a call back yet.
I emailed the corporate office out of TN.
Oh yeah, and I emailed a news station here.
Turns out, I'm not the only one who did either. One of my neighbors was able to name off 6 or so people that have fallen a total of 16 times since this storm on their ice filled side walks. Mind you, my work's sidewalks, daycare, the grocery store, everyone else managed to get theirs taken care of. UGH.
That's right. It's my daughters safety at stake here, I DON'T TAKE THAT LIGHTLY.
So Kev went out and bought sand to put on the sidewalk to gain traction, and I kindly let Corporate know that I would be taking the cost of that sand off of next months rent. Yep, because I pay them to take care of this, and if they don't and I have to, I'm not paying for it!!!
I think I'm done. For now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)