A mother's intuition

So, as mentioned in my post Sweet Bug from the other day.... I called the 'new' doctor.  They weren't accepting new patients until after the first of the year because they are switching to EMRs.

I couldn't deal.  Bug had been in so much pain.

So I called her current peds office the day after that last post.  They were going to get me in with their normal ped, and I requested a different one.  So they got me in with the only male in the practice.

For a minute I felt kinda bad, making my 4 year old daughter show her butt to a guy that she's only met like twice, when she won't hardly let us see it because of the pain.

But I didn't have a choice.

So we went in, and we all went.  He asked first about what was going on.  So we explained it all.  And he asked what the other doc had said, and we told him - sitz bath.

He flat out was like 'that won't work.' Mind you, this was before he even looked at her!!!

So, he did really good with getting her attention, calming her down, redirecting her while he checked out her eyes and ears.  Then he looked at her poor little butt.

The minute he looked at it he said 'this is strep'

He let us know that they used to be able to do the rapid strep test (yes, the same one for your throat) in the office, but the FDA said they couldn't do that any longer for the butt.  So the only way to 'verify' was a 2 day lab test... which he said right off that it was a bad case, and there was NO WAY he was making Bug wait that long for relief.  He was like 'I've seen this multiple times, I promise it's what it is.'

Even with everything going on I chose to trust him.

So she got an antibiotic and a prescription cream.

We are just over a week into the meds and her butt is completely cleared up.  She's, for the most part, no longer holding her poop.  Sometimes she still does, but I think that's because she's trying to get used to the fact that it doesn't hurt any longer - after all the time that it did.

She's going poop on the potty sometimes.  I figure that we're completely starting poop training from the beginning, and I'm OK with that.

And I called a contact I have in the system we use and she is going to help ensure that I can either get in permanent with this doctor we saw, or a new office.

Because I will NEVER. EVER. see that loser of a pediatrician again.  She's absolutely worthless and I'm NOT wasting my time for someone that wouldn't take the time to really look at my daughters problem, even after multiple complaints.

It was a good thing K was with us that day, because I'm pretty sure I would have caused a scene when leaving the office.  Instead I waited to call until I calmed down.

I'm just thankful that I finally listened to my gut, that I took her to someone else, and that I wasn't crazy.  I didn't want anything wrong with her, but it validated that it was SOMETHING, not NOTHING.

And now we can move forward.

My poor little bug.

Day 2

Today was day 2 of our new daycare for the kiddos.

It has been way more smooth than I expected.  There were delays in my getting out of there both mornings, but yesterday was worse than today.  It took 40 mins to do drop off.  I ended up asking at one point if Bug wanted me to call Nana and ask her to pick them up early.  She actually didn't answer the question when I asked, but when she finally stopped clinging to me and I was able to leave, she stopped playing for a sec and, without looking at me, said 'call nana.  bye bye mama.'  It was super adorable.

So my mom, Nana, picked them up yesterday.  She typically gets them around 2:30 or 3:00 when she picks them up to help out.  Apparently when she got there to get them, neither one of them were particularly interested in leaving.

That makes me so happy!!

Today when I dropped them off Bug was saying 'my school' as we pulled up, with a big smile on her face.

It still took about 20 mins for me to get out of there this morning, but it wasn't nearly as bad as yesterday.  Not that yesterday was bad, just lots of clinginess.

They seem like they are really enjoying their time there.  I'm hoping this isn't a honeymoon period, but typically daycare switches are not quite like this.  I can't really explain it.  But this is her 4th daycare since she was about 19 or 20 months old.  That's a lot.

This one really might be it!!!

I expected a potty training regression.  There's been no regression.  She's still going to daycare in underwear, and making it to the potty to go pee.  She is still having accidents to go poo, but we're getting there, and I honestly think this daycare is going to help.

I am beyond happy.

On a side note, K comes homes tomorrow after his 3 weeks of training.  I. Can't. Wait.

(and if timelines seem a little strange, please note that I'm typing these and then scheduling them to post.  So in reality, I probably wrote this a week or two before it actually posted :-)  I'm ahead of the game right now ha ha)

Sweet Bug

Potty training continues to go pretty well.  She has less and less pee accidents.

Poop though, that's a different story.

At first I thought she just didn't want to poop in the potty.  Then it seemed as though she was maybe struggling with constipation.

This weekend I realized I don't think any of that was true all along.

Her poor little butt hurts.  I think she's trying to NOT poop.

We've struggled with diaper rash type issues for a while.  We've tried all different kinds of things.  In the last 6 months I've mentioned it to my 'new' pediatrician who pretty much blew me off.  'Just put her in a sitz bath' was what her answer was each time I mentioned it.

I mean come on, one time the visit was for Goose and I made her look at Bug's butt.

I started to think I was crazy.

Then I was talking to a couple of mom's at work with young kids.

They reminded me to TRUST MY GUT.  That if I thought something was wrong it probably was.

So let me back up a step.  Not long after Goose was born their pediatrician was noticeably pregnant.  She went on maternity leave and never returned.  We all LOVED her.

So we had a locum tenon for a while, basically a fill in.  She was a really sweet older woman who was retired, but filled in when needed for the system that our peds are in.  We really liked her too.

Right before Goose turned a year we 'got' our 'new' pediatrician.  During the wait I had asked to change peds within the practice and they said no.

Should have known at that point.  But I try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt.

So we met her for the first time at Goose's 12 month check up.  I don't even remember what it was exactly that she said, but when I advised I was still nursing and wasn't in a hurry to stop, she made some comment that I didn't appreciate.  Whatever.  I let it go and decided to give her a couple chances before I made my judgement.  Especially since for most sick visits I did see other docs in the practice.

Well, in the last 6 months we've seen her multiple times between the kids.

My mom put it best during a visit that she went with to help out (both kids going).  She said the ped was clinical.

Yep, she's right.  At Bug's 4 year check up and Goose's 18 month I realized just how right my mom was.  She didn't try to get the kids happy, she didn't try to win their attention, affection, or love.  She was clinical and the kids cried The. Entire. Time.  All she was interested in doing was forcing Bug to let her see her ears, or Goose to see his teeth.  You get the point.

So after those visits I knew I was done.  And yes, I brought up her diaper area during that appointment too.

Then the conversation with the other mom's.  I. Am. Done.

I delayed the change a little because I knew I needed to get her 4 year shots, and we were changing daycares so I needed them to fill out the medical forms.

Today I had to take her in for her 4 year shots as we couldn't get them at her appointment.  I knew going into it that this was the last appointment.  I already have the name of a new ped that a friend took her daughter to, and her daughter has had some similar issues to Bug.  She loves this ped, says she takes lots of time with them, etc.  So, at today's appointment I told the chick at the front desk that Bug is to the point of holding her poo, crying in pain when she goes, etc and could one of the docs, ANY of the docs stop in for a minute to check it out?

Nope.  The answer was No.

I came home frustrated.  Then for the rest of the evening I had to spend comforting my little girl as she howled in pain while trying to NOT let her body poop as her body NEEDED to poop.  Arching her back, locking her knee's, face turning beet red, teeth clenched, butt clenched.  Then it got worse because she got something out twice and I had to hold her down each time to wipe her and put something on her butt in hopes it will help.  Because she doesn't want it cleaned up, which makes things worse, so much worse.

Seriously, it's gotten so bad that there's ALWAYS a streak in her diaper.  When she goes it's a small little bit (and no, it's not hard, it's nice and soft).  So she goes CONSTANTLY.  Like I'd guess maybe 10 or more times a day.  If I bought new underwear every week I'd spend at least $30 a week on underwear.  Instead, every evening I wash poo out of underwear while I cry silent tears of worry for my daughter.

So that's it.  I'm done.  I don't know why I tried to give the benefit of the doubt when this is MY CHILD.  My little girl, my first so she's my learning curve.

Tomorrow I call the new doc.  Tomorrow I start the process of finding someone who will listen to me that something is NOT right.

Speech Delay

My bug is getting so big.

Where has the time gone? Where has it disappeared to?

And why don’t I feel like I know my little girl as good as I should? Why do I look at her and think to myself that there’s so much in her life that I don’t know, that she can’t communicate to me.

There’s so much to HER and WHO she is that she can’t share with me. It’s so hard to see other kids her age that will ask me ‘why doesn’t she talk.’ It’s heartbreaking. It’s made more heartbreaking as they go on to have ENTIRE conversations with me. Or another kid. Or a teacher, or another parent. 
When I know I’m lucky if I get a few words strung together to make a pseudo sentence. It makes me worry for her.

I don’t want her to be an outcast, left to the sidelines by her inability to communicate. I don’t want her to burrow into her own little shell and give up. I look at her every day and realize how much she has grown, not physically (although she has!) but in the person that she is.  In her verbal skills. She has SO MANY words today compared to a year ago. She TRIES so much more than she ever did. 

But so much of it is difficult to understand to an outsider. So much of it isn’t clear enough that sometimes WE can’t figure it out. When we are out and about people love to say ‘hi’ to her. She’s a cute kid, and it seems like people love to try to talk to her. She typically looks at them and doesn’t say a word. Sometimes she’ll hide behind me, so sometimes people take it as shyness, the whole ‘don’t talk to strangers’ thing.

Other times not so much.

People will ask how old she is, and when I tell them ‘almost 4’ I get the look. The look like I’m somehow not doing enough to get her to talk. Even with prompting.

It’s even worse if they can see she’s wearing a diaper. Heaven forbid, WHY isn’t your 4 year old POTTY TRAINED!? I swear I can hear their internal dialogue.

‘You’re not doing enough.’

‘What kind of parent are you?’

‘You obviously haven’t tried everything in the book.

‘Just let her run around naked.’

Or ‘just put her in underwear’ or ‘put a pull up on over the underwear’

Like I haven’t tried everything. Like I haven’t attempted. Like I haven’t begged and pleaded and cried and thrown my own adult sized tantrum in hopes that she’ll Just. Do. It. But she won’t do it for me. I know that. She’ll do it in her own time, I just don’t know when that time is.

I read with her and try so hard to get her to repeat after me. Sometimes she will. Others not so much. 

I’ve tried bribing her to potty with Everything. Under. The. Sun. Seriously people, I TRY. But she has to want it too. She rolled late. She sat up late. She walked late. But she’s smart as a whip. I can see that. And to all those people that always said ‘she’ll talk in her own time and then you’ll wish she’d just stop.’ You know, the old adage of ‘we teach them to walk and talk so that we can spend the rest of their lives telling them to sit down and shut up.’

I hate that. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Do you know how badly I want to hear her voice say an ungarbled, fully understandable sentence? Do you know how badly I want to hear her tell me about her day? Do you know how badly I want to hear her ask the WHY questions over and over and over again until I want to rip my hair out??

Because that would mean my baby girl is communicating to me. That would mean I have a chance to get to know her and what her interests are, what she spends her day doing at daycare/preschool, who her favorite friend is and more importantly WHY that is. I don’t want to have to drag out of her that ‘yes’ she colored or ‘no’ she did not.

I want to know her sense of humor. Because I know it’s there, but I don’t get to hear it.

I want to know WHY she doesn’t want to take a bath tonight.

I want to know what makes her love ‘monkey’ so much.

I want to know what SHE wants for dinner tonight. Or lunch tomorrow. Or what kind of ice cream she wants at the ice cream shop. I want to hear her ask me why the sky is blue and the grass is green, and so many other things that I may or may not know the answer too.

I want to know my little girl more than I feel I do now.

And that feeling, that feeling of not knowing your 4 year old, is soul crushing and heart wrenching.

Update: I actually wrote this post almost a month ago, and felt it deserved to be published. The only change I made was the very first line where I originally said she was 'almost 4' so as not to confuse people after her birthday post. I felt it was important to post, but also to give a quick update. Bug has been wearing big girl underwear during the day for almost an entire week now. She still has accidents, but SHE wants to wear them, and has started to have near meltdowns when I try to put her in underwear. So I'm hoping that she's finally making the decision that she is ready, that it is time. She's going potty on the potty with no prompting at times and only a little prompting at others. We are changing daycare centers next week (hope to write about that later), and I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that we don't revert back to 'baby diapers' due to that change. I don't care that I'm doing a lot of extra laundry - anything to help get this girl in underwear full time :-)

Bug

My dear Bug.

Today, July 25, is a great day.

It’s an amazing day in your life.

It’s another milestone that makes me smile at the same time that it makes me cry. 

Today, you turn 4. 4! Where has the time gone?

During those 4 years you have left me sleepless and happy, amazed and sad. Frustrated and excited, proud and exasperated. Loved and hated, speechless and crazy. A range of emotions that I never knew I could feel, especially such drastic and different emotions at the Exact. Same. time.

Every day you introduce me to you. To the you that you continue to unlock. To the you that you determinedly show me. To the YOU that you are deciding to be. To the YOU that you were meant to be.

My bug, you are stubborn. Oh you are so so stubborn. You are lively and funny. You have an amazing sense of humor and you LOVE to laugh. And that laugh, oh that laugh. It’s contagious. When I hear it I can’t help but to want more. To try to do anything in my power to coax it out of you. And you think you’re hilarious. You love to joke and be silly, to be tickled and swung around.

My bug, you are sweet. A cuddler at heart. The way you’ll grab me and give me hugs and kisses makes me laugh. Especially when the kisses are so random and in random places. Like my arm. Or my leg, or my tummy, and yes, sometimes even my butt. The way you love to sit on anyone’s lap that will let you (unless it’s a stranger).

My bug, you love to dance and jump in puddles. You love to play with cars and trucks. You think it’s hilarious to get dirty while you eat.

My bug, you are a perfectionist. If you can’t do something, you get SO SO frustrated.

My bug, you are not potty trained quite yet. You’re getting close, and have been wearing big girl underwear all week to daycare, accidents and all. You are speech delayed and that causes frustration with everyone. But these 2 things don’t define you, they make you YOU and are a part of who you are, and that YOU is beautiful and loving and so so perfect to me.

My bug, you hate to be called a baby. That’s been hard for me as I so want to call you my baby girl. But you’re insistent that you’re a BIG GIRL.

My bug, you love to act like a kitty cat. You chase me around on all fours meowing.

My bug, you love your mommy and daddy and nana, your papa and bubba. Even when you’re mad and say you don’t.

My bug, you are my everything. My sweetheart, my beautiful girl in heart and soul. You are everything I wished for and so much more than I ever expected. You are the true light of my life, some days the only thing that keeps me going.

My bug, you have taught me so much more than I ever expected when you first graced this world at a tiny 7 pounds, 2 ounces.

You have taught me patience.

You have taught me how to be a mom, how to love like I’ve never loved before, how to keep going even when the days are tough and I just want to lie down and do nothing.

You’ve taught me that personality and heart is what defines a person, even at this tender age, not those things that you have or have not done ‘on time.’

You have taught me how important it is to fight for what YOU need, and you have taught me how to push even when I’m afraid to do so, to ensure that you get just that.

You have taught me what it means to carefully care for the seed you’ve planted.

You have taught me how to love myself because the way I love ME is a direct reflection of how you will love YOU as you get older.

You have taught me to love my body, flaws and all, because the way I love my body is a direct reflection of how you will love your body when you get older – flaws and all.

You have taught me the meaning of Love. I thought I knew love before you. And I did, but not fully. Now I do, and every second, every minute, every day, week, month and year I learn more about love, and the highs and lows that is love, and I love more and more than I ever thought possible.

You have taught me patience.

You have taught me how to better interact with people, how important it is to keep judgment out of my voice, body language and speech. How to see the person through a child’s eyes, and not the mistakes I perceive they have made. 

You have taught me about the beauty of a childlike innocence. That saying ‘apple juice helps me poop’ is a completely natural thing to say, no matter where you are.

You have taught me that my relationship with your daddy is of utmost importance. And that even when he’s gone and life as a part time single mommy of 2 kids gets in the way, that it is important that I ensure that our connection and communication is there and kept strong.

You have taught me patience.

And you have taught me Love.

Six Months and 3 years

I can't believe how much my babies are growing up.

Goose turned 6 months old 10 days ago.

Bug will be 3 years old in 7 days.

I love watching everything new that they do each day, but each milestone is bittersweet, as I know I'm watching some of these things happen for the last time in my life as there will be no more babies.

I don't tend to do these types of posts, but I want to put it out there, to remind myself of what these guys were doing at these ages.

Goose has been sitting up unsupported for almost 2 months now.  He started rolling over a few weeks before that.  Now he rolls this way and that and just wants to move move move.  I suspect he'll be crawling before we know it.  We started him on solids about 2 weeks ago.  We are going the route of Baby Led Weaning (I wanted to do this with Bug, but it didn't work for her).  So far it seems to be working for Goose.  he's had Avocado, Broccoli, Sweet Potatoes and Green Beans.  He's getting better and better at grabbing the food off his tray and getting it to his mouth.  And he's actually eating food, he's not just making a big old mess (but yes, he is doing that too :-))

He was my good sleeper, but about 6 weeks ago he caught a cold and hasn't slept worth crap since then.  He suddenly can't fall asleep on his own, and wakes up anywhere between 2 and 4 times a night.  It's brutal, which is funny considering Bug was SO MUCH WORSE.  We're working on it, but I am doing my best to recognize that it may also be a mix of that cold as well as all the new stuff that's going on (see paragraph above).

He's a happy little boy, smiling and giggling on a regular basis.  He loves his big sister, especially grabbing her hair ha ha.

As of yesterday he weighed 17 pounds 4 ounces and was 28 inches long.  He is still medicated for his reflux twice a day, and absolutely still spits up massive amounts.  I'm hoping another few weeks or so of solids will help that out more.

Bug, oh bug.  She's awesome, but very much a 3 year old.  So a month or so ago she suddenly decided that she was interested in potty training. She's been doing pretty good, but still has lots of accidents, especially if she's in a pull up.  So I try to keep her mostly in underwear, but that's not always feasible.  She hasn't really pooped in the potty, and public toilets seem to scare the living daylights out of her, and even if she has to pee it ends up turning into meltdown screaming central.  But she's working on it, and we are trying to make a big deal out of it when she does go in the potty, but not make her feel bad when she doesn't (while still trying to explain why it's better to go in the potty).  It's a strange line to walk, that's for sure.

She's been doing good in speech therapy and has a LOT more words.  There's still many that people would never understand that we (usually) do.  But she's getting there.  We continue to teach her some sign language as well, just to help her skills.  Every sign we teach her the word with too, so many of them she will do both (cookie anyone?).  Some she just struggles with the word so much so it's nice to have the sign so that we can figure out what she is trying to talk about.

She's in the terrible 3's for sure, she throws some pretty major fits at times.  But they are actually more tolerable (most times) than the tantrums she threw at 2.  I think that a lot of that is because of her ability to communicate now that wasn't there before.

She loves Octonots on TV, and it's not beyond me to let her watch it just so that I can manage to get both kids ready for bed.  Especially when K is working.  This is something that I swore I'd never do.  But then I got pregnant.  And exhausted pregnant.  And then new baby and new baby pregnant.  Yeah, she gets about an hour of TV a day total.  1 episode in the morning, 1 in the evening.  Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less.

She has this crazy head of hair that adults would kill for.  It's long, thick, shiny, healthy and has these great natural highlights.  But she HATES to get it brushed.  Above mentioned TV show helps that problem too :-)

She doesn't have her 3 year check up until closer to the end of the month, but we had her in the other week and she weighted just shy of 31 pounds.  She's my peanut.  I swear Goose is going to catch up with her by the time he's 1 1/2!!

That's it for now.  It's getting late (ok, not really, but it sure feels like it).  I'm ready to head to bed, before the first waking of the night!

Living the life

So the other day Bug and I were eating dinner (K was at work, as usual).  Suddenly, in the middle of dinner, Bug acts as if she is done eating, and in quite a hurry to be out of her high chair.

So, I let her out.

She reached down and grabbed the front of her diaper.  I asked if she had to potty, and she said yes.  (we really aren't that far into potty training, early early stages, and she's never actually gone potty in the potty yet).

So, we went into the bathroom.  I pulled her pants down, and took off her diaper.  She started to sit on the toilet.

Then she started kinda freaking out, and walked out of the bathroom and stood right in front of the door in the hallway, stressed.

I asked if she was OK, and asked if she wanted to sit back down.

She looked at me, a little stunned.

And pooped on the carpet.

I kept telling her it was OK, put her on the toilet and cleaned it up.  All the while praising her for telling me she had to go, and for almost going on the potty.

That's my girl.