New Direction?

Writing was always very therapeutic for me. I started this blog originally thinking I would share the link with my family and let them keep up with my baby girl, Bug. It became a place to vent in my sleep deprivation, and was my sanity through our last attempt at IVF, and through the birth of our little boy.

It's been a while since i've written. Not because the therapy of writing was gone, but with school and the craziness of 2 young kids, a husband who travels, I just found myself lost in translation, and simply stopped writing.

The last 2 years have been, well, crazy.  And now I'm back for a wholly new reason.  I need the therapeutic benefits again - for my own sanity.

We have continued to struggle with issues due to the peri anal strep that Bug was diagnosed with years ago, after the initial pediatrician ignored us. We changed peds, included a pediatric GI, resorted to miralax and exalt when I really didn't want to, have had X-rays, clean outs, and find ourselves now in year 4 of dealing with continued encopresis.

She remains on an IEP and continues to struggle. She talks so much, but she's still very unclear, and now we are dealing with some added frustration of having to learn new things in school. That's only going to get worse in first grade, but we added in 'brain breaks' and reviews for her receptive speech as well.

We also started her with a psychologist.  We are struggling with sensory issues, depression, anxiety, severe behavioral issues (anger, lashing out both verbally and physically, frustration, etc). Both her and a prior counselor suspect ADHD.

And I'm struggling with it all. Just like she gets frustrated when I sometimes can't understand her, I get frustrated with her (and I shouldn't!!) when she's at her worst, when she's having multiple accidents, when she's refusing to take her medicine, when she's lashing out and hitting, kicking, scratching, screaming at whomever she feels has slighted her.  And a slight to her could be as simple as she didn't want you to LOOK at her, at that EXACT moment, in that EXACT way. Even though 2 minutes ago she wanted, DEMANDED you look at her.

I feel touched out, all the time. She's 7 now, but she constantly has to be on you - hanging on you, sitting on your lap, leaning against you. Doesn't matter if you're eating, sitting on the couch, going to the bathroom. She refuses to do anything alone; she won't go to the bathroom by herself, won't come downstairs in the morning alone (and she's an EARLY riser!!! on a good day she's up at 620, on a not good day it's 500am. and everywhere in between). She hangs on you when you try to make dinner.

A few years ago I had my BFF's father in law comment on the amazing amount of patience I had with Bug.  I feel like over the years that patience has eroded. I feel like I find myself on the ledge too often, and it breaks my heart, and I feel horrible and I beat myself up when I yell at the kids.

I wonder if I'm picking my battles poorly. And because she melts down every time I tell her no, it makes me second guess and question every. damn. decision I make.

I'm now questioning my own sanity.  I'm questioning if I can really be successful at this parenting thing. I'm so scared that I won't raise them to be good people, to treat others right, and to do what works for them; makes them happy. I'm afraid i'm neglecting Bubba because she is so demanding of all effort and energy, and more than half the time it's just me to give it to both of them. I'm trying to find myself a counselor, I'm afraid that I've hit a wall for myself, I think I may be struggling with anxiety myself.

I'm trying to keep it together. I'm trying to reign my own anxiety in. I'm trying not to speak to them too harshly. I'm trying to be the mom they need me to be.  I love them so very much, more than life itself. I would do anything for them, I want to be their everything.

6 months!

I can't believe it!  I'm 6 months, and I'm officially a little over a week past viability, at 25 weeks 3 days.  It's amazing, and I love it!!  I'm finally gaining a little weight, and I'm officially up 14 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, which is up 4 pounds since my last OB appointment a little over 2 weeks ago.  I finally have gotten past the stress related weight issues I think!!!

Work is still insane, still very stressful, and I'm still trying to work on hiring.  I've interviewed some good candidates, but I don't want to hire until I've interviewed everyone I'm interested in, and HR is taking their sweet old time.

K and I have had a couple of counseling appointments now, and everything is going good.  The counselor thinks that we are heading down the right path and we are working very hard on the open lines of communication.  I really appreciate everyone's sweet words on my last post, it means a lot to me.  We are going to work through this and come out stronger on the other side.  It won't be easy, but we will make it.

K20 is moving like crazy, way more than Bug ever moved around.  I've got insane heartburn and am ALWAYS exhausted.  I'm more uncomfortable at this point then I was with Bug, I just feel like this baby is constantly pushing out all sides of my tummy.  I think I'm having some braxton hicks contractions too.  Otherwise I'm feeling great though!

Bug is doing awesome.  We've had the second early intervention appointment, and they said that she is doing 3 year old things on all her other skills, but they can already say she'll qualify for help on the speech (has to be less than 25%, but I don't know her stats just yet).  We will have another appointment with them on October 15, and then we'll start once a month appointments with them.  We'll have to start weekly speech therapy as well, and unfortunately I do not think it will be covered by insurance.  I don't know that for a fact yet, it all depends on how it would be coded, but from my years in the industry I suspect that it will be coded in a way that translates to learning disability (not that she has one; it's all about coding here), and that is something that isn't covered in Ohio (other states I know mandate some level of coverage).  The biggest bummer about that is that we are struggling financially right now, and K is about to start losing hours as the weather gets worse out and he has less students able to fly, which means less money.  Then when I'm on maternity leave I'll only get 2/3 of my pay.  But that doesn't matter - we will do whatever we have to for Buggie, and to get her the help she needs!!!

I love that little girl more than anything in the world.  She can be tough some days and leave me in tears, but that's OK.  She's such a sweet, good natured little girl.  I know her tantrums are from the speech issues, and we'll work through those.  Otherwise she loves to giggle and roll around wrestling with daddy (not so much mommy these days, the tummy is getting in the way).  She's been such a mama's girl lately, and it's SO sweet!  Tonight when I was putting her to bed, after our whole routine I asked her if she was ready to go night night.  She shook her head yes, but then when I went to put her into the crib (we are working on getting her more comfortable with her BIG GIRL BED) so we do our singing and cuddling there right now, but haven't fully done the transition, yikes, she didn't want to go.  So we sat on the glider and cuddled for a bit longer.  It was so precious, and I held onto it so tight, knowing it won't last forever.  Then I put her in the crib and she went to sleep.  Oh man do I love that little girl.

So yes, we bought her a big girl bed.  It's crowding her room along with the crib right now, but we're hoping a slow transition will make it easier.  I figure right now we are looking at 6 months before we'll need the crib, between finishing out the pregnancy and K20's time in the bassinet.  So if we can get her transitioned within the next 3 months, then we have 3 more months of her getting really used to it and over the crib so that she won't feel as if the new baby is stealing it.

I can't believe she's 2, we're working on a big girl bed, and I am 6 months pregnant with our second miracle.  We may be going through some rough personal times right now, but I really do have an amazing life.  That's how I know we will work things out because this life, this family, this EVERYTHING is worth it.

Checking In

Oh man, the last couple of weeks have been crazy.  At work my openings were finally approved to fill.  So I started interviewing this week, but it's gonna be a few more weeks at best before I have people picked and offers out to them.  That's OK, it's moving.  I'm still really stressed at work, but I'm trying to take deep breaths and just keep plugging away.

I had my checkup on Monday, I am now 23 weeks.  My next appointment will actually be in 5 weeks, at which time I'll do the glucola screening (yuck) and get my rhogam shot (ouch).  It'll be fun ~ not.  But, I'm almost to viability, so that's amazing!!

So, the doc has worries about my weight gain.  I've only gained about 10 pounds from my pre-pregnancy (and pre-IVF) weight.  That's not much considering I'm pretty thin and short.  I'm at the point where I should be gaining about a pound a week, and that's just. not. happening.  I'm eating, I swear.  But I'm stressed.  I don't have the same appetite that I did when I was pregnant with Bug.  The doc said my fundal height is measuring on, so she feels the baby is growing as he/she should.  Her worry is that because I started out so thin I won't have a lot of stores, and what I do have the baby will take, leaving nothing for me.  I know she's right.  So she told me to find a place to add in more calories each day, and if I think to myself 'I probably shouldn't eat that,' that I should go ahead and eat it.  She said we're just going to keep an eye on it for now.  Otherwise, K20 is great.  Nice strong heartbeat, EXTREMELY active, in general doing well!

On the other hand, I'm dealing with some pretty crazy personal stresses.  K and I will be starting counseling again Monday night, and we definitely need it.  I'm not going to get into what's going on, but it caught me very off guard and I've been a wreck for the last week.  So, I have a feeling that between the work stresses and these new personal stresses, that is part of my weight gain problem.  Especially since over the last week I suddenly feel like I'm not handling much of anything very well, I'm really really struggling.  I feel horrible because it feels like I have a shorter fuse with Bug, not that I'm snapping or yelling at her, but more just that I feel like I'm giving up easier, like when she starts to throw a tantrum.  I try and then I feel like I just can't anymore.

We did have her early intervention meeting yesterday, and they did agree that there is some level of concern on her speech.  So we have another evaluation on 9/24.  Her hearing has been checked out, and that is fine.

So, that's it for now.  A lot, and I'm sorry that I'm not posting more often.  Please hang in there with me!!

IVF

Oh my, I cannot believe that I forgot to mention this!  BUT, I think it may just deserve its own post.

So, K and I were discussing our IF treatment options this weekend.  We did this after we joined a sailing club here in our new home town, after being without a club last year (boo!)...

So, I told him that I kinda wanted to try IVF one more time.  Just once.  Just to give him a little one that was biologically his.

His answer?  So do I.

Wow.  That was a big decision that I think we just made really easily.  We had already agreed to start counseling before we started treatment, so I am going to be finding us a counselor in the next couple of weeks.  We agreed just one try.  That if IVF doesn't work this time around, we will go the route of donor sperm and an IUI/AI.  It's just not worth the strain (financially and emotionally) to do it anymore than that.  Especially after the way we handled it (OK, really, the way I handled it) the last time around.

I haven't told anyone yet.  Just you guys know (which I recognize is, like, the whole world wide web, but no one that knows me IRL reads this yet!  In part, for this reason!!)

So, I think we have narrowed it down to two options for a clinic.  The first option is in our insurance network, and will therefore our office visits, ultrasounds and possibly lab work (if they do it right there) will all be paid by insurance and just subject to my responsibility.  I have also received a recommendation for this clinic.  They are also close to work, which is very nice (as those of you that have IF experience, I will be spending some time there!!).  The second clinic is not yet in network, although I have requested them to be recruited.  (OK, and here's where I admit that I am a manager in a contracting department for my health insurance company.  I do not handle the area I live in though, so this rep does not report to me, nor will I be making any decisions that would affect their joining, so no ethics issues here).  This clinic has come pretty highly recommended as well.

We agreed to at least do consults with both, and go from there. 

I'm excited.  I'm nervous.  I'm hopeful.  K told me this weekend that he really does want another baby.  This is great news as so do I! 

Phew.  Wish me luck!  We were planning on starting treatments sometime after Bug turns 1, which is in July!

~Emms