I know that we all go through this when we go back to work after having a baby, the struggles with wanting (or needing) to work, but wanting to be home with your new baby.
Well, all of the sudden I'm dealing with it again. Over a year after going back to work. I know what the problem is, I'm struggling with the desire for my career, and the desire to not be the missing parent. See, as I mentioned in a prior post, my drive time is now about 40 minutes, up from quite a bit less. After work it's more like 45 minutes, and some nights - like last night, it's closer to an hour. I can't seem to reconcile my two worlds for some reason. I leave my house by 6:40 and do not get home until sometime between 5:45 and 6:15. We start the bedtime routine at 6:45 for buggie, she's down sometime between 7:20 and 8:00. I get NO time with her during the week. Then I find myself falling into bed by 9:00 because I'm so tired. So I get no adult time with K.
I feel bad because K is staying home with her right now, and while he's loving it, neither one of us are cut out to be a stay at home parent. So I know he's getting antsy, I know he wants to be out flying. Then I feel guilty because I'm gone All. Day. Long. I feel guilty because I don't get enough time with bug, with K, I feel guilty because I know he's home and wants to be working. I feel guilty because I could use to give some extra attention to work but I want to get at least my little bit of time in the evenings with bug.
It doesn't help that we overdrew our bank account. Badly. It's just going to be a rough couple of months, K doesn't have his unemployment yet, we had to pay 2 rent, 1 security deposit and 1 mortgage payment (and will next month too except for the security deposit), on top of all of our other bills. Plus the house back in T Town seems to be falling apart, we've had to fix the leaky roof but the contractor can't seem to put his finger on what the exact issue is ($1500 there and so far still having problems), plus the plug for the sump pump randomly stopped working and the basement flooded, so now we have to fix that.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now, to say the least. It doesn't help that I want another baby, and want to get an appointment set up with the RE.
Ugh. Thanks for listening.
I so can relate to feeling spread thin and not doing "good enough" anywhere. Life is such a balancing act; sometimes we manage, sometimes we topple over. I'm in that trying to not topple over kind of phase. Here's hoping we both achieve some more satisfactory balance soon!
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath, kiss your hubby and baby and hang in there!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing your best and really that's all anyone can ask for right? Hopefully these next few months will fly and things will settle down. You have a lot on your plate! It sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job!
ReplyDeleteaw, i'm so sorry... all i can say is this to shall pass, and i hope it passes soon. good luck mama.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs. You'll get through this tough time! Have you considered looking for childcare that's close to your work? Or halfway between? I used to have a somewhat extended drive when I was a single mom. My friend's place was about halfway between work and home, and she watched my son. I got part of the drive for "me time" and part of it to talk about his day and the world around us.
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